The Fictional Times

An independent product of Gary Gordon Productions

BUSH NATIONALIZES BASEBALL!! Fictional Times Special Report
by Gilbert Hurricane,
Mort Smepp, & Cal Redondo
Crawford, TX - (GNS)
- President George W. Bush ordered the nationalization of organized Major League Baseball today, the first president to do so since... ever.
     "I'm a patient man, and this goes against everything I think I stand for, free trade and all, and corporations that, who, that, they get to do what they want, but this is baseball and it's important," Bush declared.
     Bush told reporters he had to put the national interest ahead of his own values regarding unregulated, free enterprise.
     "This is one of those burden of leadership things," he said. "People have to have this. The owners are mad at me, the players are mad at me, so I must be doing something right, right?"
     Reaction from owners and players throughout the sport was swift and aggressive.
     "Who does he think he is?" asked L.A. Dodger Catcher and Union Representative Paulie "Mitts" Lodooca. "I mean, he wasn't even elected, for chrissakes!"
     "And to attack a union on Labor Day weekend, why, it's... it's... ironic!"
     The Player's Union's chief negotiator, Dohn Fear, was more direct.
     "He's out to break the union. This stuff about how this hurts both sides evenly is crap," he said. "But what else can you expect from a former owner who's riding out this recession in style?"
     Milwaukee Brewers owner and Commissioner of Baseball Bob "Bob" Zelig also expressed outrage.
     "This is not good for baseball. What's next? Women's Tennis?"
     "It's as bad as ending an All-Star game in a tie," Zelig added. "Maybe worse."
     Both Fear and Zelig denied that their personal egoes had anything to do with the stand-off that lead to Bush's actions.
     "I would be the last person to let my ego get into this," Fear declared.
     "No, I would be the last person," Zelig insisted.
     "Me!" countered Fear.
     "No, me!" counter-countered Zelig, beginning what extended to another four-hour bargaining session regarding new proposals for ego-capping and ego-sharing.
     Political Pundit and Hack George "Glasses" Will, also an avid baseball fan, called the decision "beneficial but unfortunate and Constitutionally questionable but desireable."
     "We live in a time when, Heaven knows, anything goes," Will said.
     "These ballplayers have gotten out of hand and forced this," Will said. "They want to make as much money as political commentators. It's preposterous. I blame the Democrats."
     Consumer Advocate and part-time presidential candidate Ralph Nader criticized the owners and Bush's decision.
     "Baseball is not like steel. It's not like dealing with the Firefighters union. It's entertainment, it's jobs, but it's not vital. I just wish people followed their elected officials' records as much as they follow sports statistics," Nader said.
     Nader, known for agitating for lower ticket prices, was challenged by New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.
     "How many votes did he get?" the Yankee owner asked rhetorically.
     Steinbrenner said he didn't really care that Bush stepped in.
     "Under the existing system, I make out like a bandit. Plus I got the best team," he said.
     Most fans were thrilled with the decision.
     "Heck, Bush is great. I don't even care now if we go to war. This is cool," said one fan.
     Bush said the nationalization was just temporary.
     "It will end when the war ends," he said.

Game Will Take Place During Half Hour Intermission
Dallas, TX - (GNS) - In what was described as a bold move to give the fans what they want, the half time show for the Super Bowl will be a three-hour extravaganza featuring "the biggest names in show business," and the game itself will last only a half hour, according to NFL CEO Y.A. Audible.
     "And we'll be having more new commercials, as long as they're expensive, elaborate and brand new," Audible said.
     Audible said the change was made "for obvious reasons."
     "Let's face it, the game itself is dull. Never an exciting contest. Meanwhile, fans tune in. Why? The half-time show, and the new commercials," he said.
     The half time show this year will be produced by Joel Gallen and Paul McCartney, and will feature Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, N'Sync, Aerosmith, Michael Jackson, J Lo, Eminem, Roger Ebert, Lee Ann Rimes, and Tom Hanks, with videotaped appearances by Tom Cruise, Kevin Spacey, Judi Densch, Wayne Newton, Anthony Hopkins, and Brad Pitt.
     Audible said George Clooney and Julia Roberts would debut a fifteen minute short they made together while filming Ocean's 11, about two parents with a child who would rather play football than be in the half-time show, and Vice President Dick Cheney would emerge from hiding to flip the coin for the coin toss at the start of the game.
     "The game will be played ninety minutes after the show starts and will be divided into seven-minute quarters with forty-five seconds between each quarter. There'll be ten minutes of new commercials, back-to-back, between the halves. After the game we're back to ninety more minutes of half time show," Audible said.
     Beer companies and everyone else who has advertised in the past was urged to buy time, but commercials will be screened before final decisions are made, Audible said.
     "The Super Bowl has become the Sundance Film Festival of TV commercials, so it's now important that we show only the best. Just because a company plunks down the money doesn't mean they'll get on. It's got to be a great commercial," he said.
     He cited the famous commercial of cowboys herding cats as if they were cows as an example.
     Reaction to the plan has been enthusiastic, Audible said.
     "Even the players like the idea," he said. "Why bash yourself to destruction after playing a long season in an effort to make a dull game interesting when what the fans really want is the appearance rather than the substance?"
     The entire show will be filmed and issued in the spring on DVD, with out-takes and commentary, and commercials that didn't make the cut, he said.
     "Jon Voigt, as Howard Cosell, will narrate," Audible said.

Selig Plans To "Level The Playing Field"
Milwaukee, WS - (GNS) - Baseball Commissioner Bud "Bud" Selig announced yesterday that the New York Yankees and the Atlanta Braves would be eliminated under the new MLB Contraction plan.
     "This will level the playing field," he said. "It will give small market teams who entertain hundreds of people in America's heartland, where baseball was nurtured, to compete, and it will get rid of two teams that are just too damn rich and too damn boring."
     The plan would allow a draft of Yankee and Brave players, a draft which would favor the smaller teams, Selig said.
     "Minnesota and Montreal would get first pick. Ultimately, every team's roster would be improved, thus increasing draw everywhere," Selig said.
     Selig also said there was an added attraction to this contraction plan.
     "We get rid of one of the teams with a racist name and logo," he said. "Plus, when you get right down to it, the Civil War is over, so what's with this 'Yankee' stuff?"
     George Steinbrenner, volatile and blunt owner of the Yankees, issued a terse, three-word statement.
     "This is fucked," he said.
     Atlanta Braves owners were said to concur.
     The owners of the New York Mets expressed mixed emotions.
     "On the one hand, we'd be glad to have the city all to ourselves. On the other hand, it would eliminate the possibility of another subway series, unless we want to connect New York to Baltimore by subway," one owner said.
     Baseball fans also expressed mixed emotions.
     "Great!" said one fan.
     "That's crazy," said another.
     "You gotta be kiddin'," said a third.
     "Bet it won't happen," said a fourth, who used to play for and manage the Cincinnati Reds.
     Selig, who now resides in a secret, secure location, said he is undaunted.
     "I'm undaunted. And, given my new contract, I'm the luckiest man alive."

Arlington, TX - (GNS) - Relief pitcher John Rocker, formerly known as baseball's bad boy bigot was cheered as he took the field today.
     Many in the crowd hailed him as a man ahead of his time.
     "Rocker had the guts to call a towel-head a towel-head," said one ardent fan.
     "Maybe if we had more ballplayers like him, none of this would'a happened," said another.
     Rocker tipped his hat and proceeded to throw eight strikes before giving up a game-winning home run.

Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - House leaders wrote and passed emergency legislation yesterday outlawing heatstroke.
     The measure is designed to preserve professional football.
     "We've heard testimony about what tobacco and alcohol does to athletes, we're considering stepping up our activities to stop the use of Ecstasy-- especially after hearing about the stagnant nature of auto safety reform, but in keeping with our focus to target the most pernicious preventable killers of our people, we outlawed heatstroke," explained Representative Myopic Magoo.
     "This is a proud day for the federal government," Magoo declared, noting that no one came to testify in favor of heatstroke, even though they were invited.
     The bill provides swift justice for anyone violating the new law.
     "Anyone caught dying of heatstroke will be placed in a tiger cage. If they survive, they're innocent," Magoo said.

CLEVELAND FANS INDICTED FOR TERRORISM
Unsportsmanlike Conduct Gives Aid And Comfort To The Enemy
Cleveland, OH - (GNS) - Twenty-seven football fans who threw bottles and garbage at referees during a recent, now infamous game were indicted yesterday on terrorism charges brought against them by the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security.
     "These men and women are charged with multiple counts of giving aid and comfort to the enemy," said Homeland Security Deputy Director Y.A. Sweep.
     This is the first indictment with this charge.
     Sweep said there is "plenty of evidence to convict."
     "We have it all on tape," he said.
     The twenty-seven, whose names have not been released to the public, are charged with failure to maintain good manners, failure to live up to the code of the New York City Firefighters, failure to behave appropriately during what, in a larger context, was a relatively trivial issue, failure to conduct oneself as a New York City Policeman would have during a similar situation, failure to remain civil during an undeclared war, and failure to refrain from being stupid.
     Each of these counts carries a mandatory five year sentence.
     "But the biggest charge against them is that of giving aid and comfort to the enemy," Sweep said.
     "Their actions, taken collectively, served to provide information to the enemy that all Americans are not united, are cracking under the pressures of hearing America The Beautiful every day for a hundred days, and are willing to turn on one another in un-Christian ways. Seen on international television, this can't help but boost the enemy's morale," Sweep said.
     Lawyers for the twenty-seven contended at the arraignment that throwing stuff at referees is at the core of Americanism.
     "Your honor, these men and women struck back against blind, all-powerful authority. If that's not what being American is all about then we're in big trouble," said defense attorney Bobby Donnell. "If anything, they should be given medals, because their actions gave the enemy a false impression that we are divided when that is not the case. We will bring witnesses to testify this false impression gives the enemy and false sense of security, will provoke them to relax or behave carelessly and therefore actually strengthens the fight against evil," Donnell said.
     The trial is set to begin in February, when the crummy movies are out and people need something good on TV.

Historical Irony Haunts Search For Justice
Sports Commentary
by Gilbert Hurricane
San Francisco, CA - (GNS) - Who owns the baseball?
     This question now resides in an American court.
     Why?
     Because we won World War II and the Cold War.
     Think about it.
     If Japan had won, then it might very well be Patrick Hayashi's ball, but Barry Bonds' never would have hit it because the Japanese would've outlawed baseball and probably returned Blacks to slavery.
     And if Russia had won the Cold War, Alex Popov might reasonably claim the ball, but our nation's fate under Russia would certainly have ended our national past-time.
     Racist, you say? Jingoist?
     Maybe.
     But isn't that how absurd this whole argument is?
     Don't our courts have better things to do than mediate between these two guys?
     Of course they're both Americans and they both have the right to go to court, but does that mean they have to exercise that right?
     Why don't they just split it?
     That's what Solomon would've done, and he wasn't even an American.
     In a time when our nation is at war against forces who have no respect for the greatest game on earth, defending democracy against people who would deny civil rights to Bonds, Hayashi and Popov, shouldn't we teach them a thing or two about how fair, how equitable, how just we can be?
     Maybe Popov had it. Maybe Hayashi knocked it away, or maybe someone knocked into Popov and Hayashi grabbed it after it bounced away.
     We'll never know. Just as we'll never know if Baltimore would've beat the Yankees a few years before the D'backs did the job if that idiot kid hadn't reached out and grabbed the ball headed straight for Brady Anderson's glove. Just as we'll never know which came first, the strike or the ball.
     Share it.
     And if you can't find it in your hearts to do that for the nation that stands for freedom, then, well, go back to where you came from. Even if it's Oakland.

Baseball Teams Take The Field; Several Races Still Undecided
Los Angeles, CA - (GNS) - The Los Angeles Dodgers and most of the rest of the nation's professional baseball teams in the American and National leagues took the field to finish out the 2001 season after almost a week off to mourn and reflect and celebrate America.
     "The President's job is to lead us to victory against the terrorists, our job is to beat the Giants," said Dodger Gary Sheffield.
     "Let's hope the President can get it done without going into extra innings," said home run king Barry Bonds.
     Several baseball fans called for Cal Ripken to run for the presidency.
     "It's times like this we need an Iron Man," said one fan.
     Several sports commentators filled the air Sunday with speculations about how the players would play after time off. There was no consensus.

Lone Man Vs. Tank Event Added; Additional Changes Planned
Washington, D.C. - (GIN) - The International Olympic Committee announced today that China, once the home of the Red Peril, would host the Summer 2008 Olympics.
     The IOC also announced new competitions would be added to the games.
     "We have added a Lone Man Vs. Tank event, and a team event called Subjugation Of Minorities," IOC Events Designer Dim Sung Barnum, said.
     He conceded the Chinese have the upper hand in the Lone Man-Tank event, but suggested all countries have seven years to prepare for the competition.
     Competition in the Subjugation Of Minorities event is expected to be fierce.
     "Everyone has subjugated minorites," Barnum said. "No one has the inside track on that one."
     Barnum said other new events will include a cooking competition, a gang warfare competiton, an opium competition, a Great Wall competition, and a Ming Vase competition.
     "In the cooking competition each country will compete at cooking a meal which, when eaten, leaves you hungry an hour later," Barnum said.
     It has not been decided yet whether the Great Wall event will involve building one or tearing one down.
     "If it's tearing one down, the Germans from Berlin have the upper hand," Barnum said.
     Criticized by some for the selection of China, because of its history of human rights violations, the IOC defended the selection by pointing out the 1936 Olympics was held in Nazi Germany.
     "Yeah, well, okay," the critics said.
     IOC spokesman Juan Tonamera added, "After all, we can't have every game every year in Canada."
     U.S. Secretary of Confusion, Condoleeza Rice, named after one of southeast Asia's largest exports, said the United States was neutral.
     "We didn't have anything to do with this decision," she said.
     Rice also issued a new government report that insisted Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, and that maintained there were no U-2 flights over Russia in the late 50s and early 60s.
     Rice denied the U.S. was urging the inclusion of a spy plane event, but confirmed the U.S. requested a new event that would pit Tibetan fashions against Maoist fashions.
     "Why isn't fashion included in the Olympics?" she said.
     The Anti-Defamation League voiced concern over the selection.
     "It's so easy to make fun of the Chinese," ADL spokesman Don Rickles said. "We're worried that people will use this as an opportunity to make jokes."
     Rickles urged everyone to refrain from joking about the Chinese.
     "They have a hard enough time," he said, "what with all of them looking alike."

SPURRIER-BOWDEN FEUD INTENSIFIES
Coaches Continue Name-calling, Charges, Insinuations; Ask For SEC, Justice Dept. And U.N. Intervention
Gainesville, FL - (GNS) - Weeks after their teams clashed on the field, the coaches for the Florida Gators and the Florida State Seminoles continued their feud.
     "He's a creep," Gator coach Steve Spurrier told reporters yesterday.
     "He's even more of a creep," Seminole Coach Bobby Bowden retorted.
     The feud began when Spurrier accused Bowden of instructing his team to hurt Runningback Ernest Graham.
     "The idea that they would hurt someone in this game, where maximum physical contact is stressed and rewarded, within limits, it's offensive," Spurrier said.
     Bowden responded, quoting St. Augustine's doctrine on a Just Football Hit.
     "Nobody likes to use physical contact, but there are times when it's justified, and during football games are one of those times," Bowden said.
     Spurrier cited the Geneva Convention and the UN Treaty On Human Rights.
     "He told his men to 'take no prisoners' and that's against the law," Spurrier said.
     Bowden replied that the U.S. and SEC are not signatories to the UN Treaty On Human Rights, and that they did not "take Graham prisoner."
     Spurrier declared his intention, under the SEC War Powers Act, to attack the Seminoles, using other teams on their schedule if necessary.
     Bowden called for a Special Prosecutor.
     Spurrier called upon the Football Crimes Tribunal at The Hague to indict Bowden.
     Bowden called upon a Secret Football Tribunal to indict Spurrier.
     That was when the "creep" charges were exchanged.
     Both men are scheduled to appear on Larry King Live and ABC's Sunday Morning. The shows have added security to prevent physical contact. King reportedly will wear a referee shirt.

Chicago, IL - (GNS) - Professional football, delayed a week, will start again, but the dispute with the referees is still unresolved, so there will be no one officiating the games.
     "We're going to have to rely on the honor system when it comes to things like off-sides and holding. Placing the ball relative to the first down marker might also be a problem," said one ballplayer who wished to remain anonymous.
     "Everyone says America's comin' together, well, lemme tell you one thing, we're gonna tear their heads off," said another ballplayer, referring to the opposing team.
     "Football without referees will be exciting," said sportscaster Bob Costas. "I may write a book about it."

Chicago, IL - (GNS) - NBA officials announced today they will begin a program of drafting fetuses and raising them as basketball players.
     Called "The Three Point Shot", the program will teach basketball to draftees as toddlers, adolescents, and teenagers.
     "Right now we don't really get involved until they're in high school, but by the time they're in high school, it's too late for most of them. With the proper upbringing from day one, we could have a hundred great players for every one now," said Hans Eugenics, Three Point Shot director.
     Eugenics denied that this was a breeding program.
     "I don't think we're going to get involved in match-making," he said. "What each team will do is look at the genetic history of the parents while the fetus is in the second or third month. If it looks promising, it'll be drafted. The parents can sign the paperwork, and training begins when the kid pops out," Eugenics said.
     Training will include special schooling, coaching, physical education, and nutrition, according to the program's assistant coach, Hans Enfeet.
     "Eye-hand coordination, learning to dribble instead of drool, that kind of thing can start rightaway," Enfeet said.
     "We'll have these kids watchin' basketball footage by the time they're three. It'll be great," he said.
     Eugenics said this program will do away with arguments about whether or not the NBA should draft high schoolers.
     "Frankly, we'll be glad to put that argument behind us. It's not about education or age, it's about what's good for the game," Eugenics said.