An independent product of Gary Gordon Productions
Established April 17, 2001

PRESIDENT CUTS BABY IN HALF
Saves Bathwater For Future Deliberations
Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - President Bush announced last night he would cut the baby in half to resolve the furious, controversial debate over embryonic stem cell research.
     It was the president's first address to the nation, and he pronounced "juxtaposition", "umbilical" and other multi-syllabic words correctly as he spoke without passion or enthusiasm.
     Bush enunciated both sides of the argument which some say is complex and others say is simple, then took a middle path, more commonly known since the Clinton era as "the Third Way".
     Bush's third way was to limit federal funding of research to embyronic stem cell lines that already exist without specifically explaining why it's okay to use them for research but not create more to use for research.
     Several political analysts suggested Bush's positioning on this is similar to a defense used by the media to avoid doing their job: If the left and right criticize me I must be doing something right.

Refers To Aldous Huxley
     During his speech a fly could be seen buzzing around in the background and darting occasionally through the foreground. The fly did not distract the president and some analysts suggested that the fly was purposely recruited to give the president's remarks a "down home" touch.
     Other analysts suggested the fly was symbolic of the issue at hand, another profound use of the president's preference for subliminal communication.
     "The fly was there to remind people of the movie where the researcher plays with science and transforms himself into a fly, with dire and deadly consequences," said Dr. Jeff Goldblum of the Alliance For A Middle Ground On Stem Cell Research and a professor of Subliminal Studies at the University of Nashville.
     The president referred to science gone mad by referring to Aldous Huxley and his book, Brave New World.
     Huxley, an advocate of LSD and other psychadelic drugs and scientific research, would not have agreed with the president's decision, according to his admirers.
     "It was a psychadelic moment in itself when the president mentioned him. It made me think maybe the president did do a hit of Acid when he was at Yale, or maybe the Yippies really did put Acid in the water supply back in '68. That sure would explain alot, wouldn't it?" said Huxley scholar Wavy Jones of the Free School and Library Commune in Aztec, New Mexico.

Was Decision Biblical Or Political?
     Critics of Bush's decision from the political and religious right condemned it as "cynical" and "political".
     "He's killing human beings," Gary Bauer declared. "He's forgotten he's no longer the governor of Texas and he can no longer just pull the switch."
     Critics from the left condemned his decision as "cynical" and "Biblical".
     "He's using the Bible to justify his policy," Jesse Jackson declared. "He's forgotten that the Bible is a tool for activists, not presidents. He must preserve the separation of church and state."
     Many Biblical scholars said Bush's attempt to "play Solomon" was a misreading of the Bible story.
     "We must remember that Bible stories are never literal, they are allegorical," said Rabbi Ben Miamonedes.
     Other religious leaders deplored Bush's Bible scholarship because "the Bible is meant to be taken literally. 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'."
     Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld suggested prior to the speech that Bush try to obtain Iraqi stem cells for research "because the American public is okay with killing Iraqis."
     Muslim and Jewish leaders meeting in conference after the speech discussed making an issue of Bush's use of the word "church" without adding "synagogue" or "mosque", but decided the image of both religions would be damaged if they appeared united on anything.


Bush hammers out details of speech.

 Draft Embryos To Serve And Protect
     During the weeks that lead up to the president's decision, the option of drafting embryos was discussed.
     "The argument was made that the society has seen nothing wrong in the past with drafting young men against their will to, in many cases, risk certain death to preserve the viability and posterity of the nation," said one aide. "So the question was raised, 'Why not draft embryos?'"
     According to sources, the debate on this question was contentious. Reportedly one faction argued against the idea because special uniforms and green or black berets would not fit on embryos.
     A faction favoring the idea suggested that an "unknown embryo" could be added to the tombs at Arlington Cemetery, "and it wouldn't have to be as big as the others, you know?"
     Bush reportedly rejected this idea because he did not want questions about his own military service raised again.

Ramafications Throughout The World
     The president's decision will have worldwide ramafications in how it effects research and in how the nation is viewed by the world community, according to presidential advisor Condoleeza Rice.
     "Right now there are some pretty vicious stories circulating that we're a rogue nation, against the landmine treaty, the Kyoto Accords, wanting to gut the ABM treaty, maintaining our thirty-year quarantine of Cuba, resisting the idea of a World Court and failing to bring our own war criminals like Henry Kissinger to justice. Well, in the words of the late Pat Paulsen, 'Picky, picky, picky'," Rice said.
     Secretary of State Colin Powell, who was a black embryo before he was born, said the painful, agonizing, melodramatic ruminations of the president will be seen correctly throughout the world as an example of the kind of painful, agonizing, melodramatic ruminations the United States practices before making unilateral decisions.
     World reaction was as mixed as reaction in the America.
     "The Americans, they are so self-important. Next they will clone fast-food hamburgers," declared the French newspaper Le Monde.
     "We do not even have words for this kind of science, nor do we want them," declared the Saudi Arabian newspaper Al-Sand.
     "Is not disease God's will?" asked the Vatican newspaper.
     "This is obviously an attempt to grow as many people as possible as fast as possible, to live as long as possible, to compete with us," declared China's national newspaper The Long March. "We must remember, as Chairman Mao said, power comes out of the barrel of a test tube."

Politics, Religion, and Sex
     Left out of Bush's speech was a paragraph in an earlier draft admonishing the American people to "not discuss this at the dinner table."
     "These three topics, politics, religion and sex, should not be discussed at the dinner table," the draft read in part. "Taken together, these three issues not only have the potential to tear apart families, they can cause severe indigestion."
     Bush reportedly rejected the paragraph because he did not want to subliminally suggest the idea of indigestion.
     "People have enough trouble with us borrowing money to give them their tax refunds. I don't want to give them heartburn," he reportedly said.
     Political analysts, religious leaders, Bible scholars, bioethicists and bartenders all agreed that it is really not unusual for those three topics to come up together, especially at the dinner table.
     "Abraham first brought up the idea of destroying his father's idols over dinner," said Dr. Moishe Bergberg. "Boy, did he catch a licking."
     "Ultimately, this issue is not about politics, religion or sex. It's about... uh... I forget," said the president of the Alzheimer's League, who preferred to remain anonymous.


Arafat, uniformed officers pause to ponder Bush's stem cell research decision.