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* Volume 2 * September 24, 2002 * Issue 106 *
EXCLUSIVE!Full Text Of Pres. Bush's Speech To U.N.
EXCLUSIVE! Official New Words To The Pledge of Allegiance  Fictional Times EXCLUSIVE Report and Analysis Operation Not A Quagmire ARCHIVES section; updated 12/31/01   A MediaChannel Affiliate HOLLYWOOD GOES TO WAR! EDITORIALS BUSINESS Fictional Times Exclusive: An Interview With Enron CEO Kenneth Lay  Ten Best Corporations of 2001 Announced Enron, Argenbright, Phillip Morris Make List Anthrax Scare Good For Business EXCLUSIVE STEM CELL REPORT President Cuts Baby In Half; Bathwater Decision Remains Unresolved ENTERTAINMENT Hey!! Fictional Times Fans! Check out Gary's songs. FREE downloads from his CDs: The Smoking Gun Cafe, Truer Words, and Reasonable Doubts & Cheshire Cat Grins  Gary's Music Bra Ads  Letters To The Editor Archives ++++++++ Gary Gordon Productions ++++++++ 
HOLLYWOOD GOES TO WAR! See The Guns Of Kabul, starring Kevin Spacey, Madonna, Wolf Blitzer and Ben Stiller, opening next week at a theatre near you! AND DON'T MISS THESE GREAT NEW MOVIES: 
ALL PLAYING AT THEATERS NEAR YOU!! (If you live near a theater) |
POVERTY RATE UP; HOUSEHOLD INCOME DOWN; EXPERTS BLAME IRAQ, U.N. Washington, D.C. - (GNS) -The number of poor people in the United States rose by about 1.3 million last year, while household income declined significantly as the country struggled to deny that there is a major economic crisis at hand, the Census Bureau said today. The ranks of the poor increased to 32.9 million in 2001, up from 31.6 million in 2000. Although the number went up, which is usually a good thing, in this case it's a bad thing because it means an increase in the number of poor people, experts said. The Compliant Labor Pool Foundation took exception to the analysis and said the increase in the number of poor people was a good thing, "just as long as they are docile." Median household income fell 2.2 percent, to $42,228, meaning half the households had income above that figure and half below, the Bureau said. The Bureau did not account for the third half, but said there would no longer be a fourth half because of the new post-Enron accounting practices. In percentage terms, the nation's poverty rate rose to 11.7 percent in 2001 from 11.3 the year before. Before rising last year, the poverty rate fell for four straight years. But everyone is better off than they were in the 8th Century, the Bureau said. "Like the last year-to-year increase in poverty in 1991-1992 and the last decrease in real household income in 1990-1991, these changes coincided with an absence of sensible foreign policy combined with a high rate of and refined ability at establishing denial," said S. Ome Income, chief of the Census Bureau's Explanations People Don't Want To Hear Division. The "poverty" threshold, in official terms, was $18,104 for a family of four; $14,128 for a family of three; $11,569 for a family of two, and $9,039 for individuals. "But try to live on that in the real world," Income muttered. The poverty rate and the actual numbers of the poor rose among various population groups, except for rich Republicans, wealthy Democrats, fat-cat CEOs, overpaid movie stars, and in-your-face athletes, the Census Bureau said. "The decline was widespread, like a class revolution would be if it happened," Income said. While today's information was somewhat gloomy, it did not come as a surprise. Many analysts had predicted such findings in view of the failure on the part of the U.S. Justice Department to prosecute corporate theives will instead pursuing distributors of medical marijuana. Analysts also said the Administration's preference to prosecute a war with Iraq for not having anything to do with the attack on the World Trade Center sent confusion throughout the markets and resulted in economic chaos. Mr. Bush has said repeatedly that he inherited the economic chaos, caused by a previous president who got blowjobs from an intern. The Census Bureau reported there is a history of cause and effect relationships between foreign policy, war, war planning, and economic insecurity. They could find no correlation between economic chaos and blowjobs. Some analysts did agree with the White House contention that the U.N. was at fault. "It's self-evident and it goes without saying, and if you don't know why I'm certainly not going to tell you," said NSA Director Condaleeza Rice. BUSH PROPOSES CONGRESSIONAL WAR RESOLUTION Wording Drawn From 1964 Gulf of Tonkin Resolution Austin, TX - (GNS) - Standing in the Lyndon Johnson Library at the University of Texas, President George W. "Grrrr" Bush proposed wording for a Congressional resolution for military action against Iraq based on the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution that gave President Johnson authority to get the U.S. deeper into the quagmire known as the Vietnam War. "I propose the following," Bush said, then he read his proposed resolution. "To Promote The Maintenance of International Peace and Security in the Mideast: "Whereas Iraq, in violation of the principles of the Charter of the United Nations and of international law, has deliberately and repeatedly attacked United States Naval vessels lawfully present in international waters; and "Whereas these attacks are part of a deliberate and systematic campaign of aggression that the Iraqi regime has been waging against its neighbors and the nations joined with them in the collective defense of their freedom; and "Whereas the United States is assisting the people of the Mideast to protect their freedom and has no territorial, military or political ambition in that area but desires only that these people should be left in peace to work out their own destinies in their own way; "Now, therefore, be it Resolved by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled that the Congress approves and supports the determination of the President, as Commander in Chief, to take all necessary measures to repel any armed attack against the forces of the United States and to prevent further aggression; and "The United States is prepared, as the President determines, to take all necesarry steps, including the use of armed force, to assist any member or protocol states of the Mideast Collective Defense Treaty requesting assistance in defense of its freedom; and "This resolution shall expire when the President shall determine that the peace and security of the area is reasonably assured by international condidtions created by action of the United Nations or otherwise, except that it may be terminated earlier by concurrent resolution of the Congress." Critics of the proposed resolution pointed out there is no such thing as the Mideast Collective Defense Treaty, and that most of Iraq's neighbors have no interest in freedom, other than the freedom to punish those who do not believe in a narrow, fundamentalist version of Islam. "Iraq has only attacked two neighbors: Iran and Kuwait. We supported their war with Iran, and gave them the greenlight on Kuwait," one critic said. Critics also pointed out Iraq has not attacked U.S. naval vessels, in international waters or elsewhere. "Iraq would have attacked our navy if they had a navy," Bush declared in defense of his proposal. "This resolution makes Johnson's resolution seem almost justified," one critic lamented. "Johnson manufactured the Gulf of Tonkin incident to get the 1964 resolution," Bush said. "We could do that, but we'd rather save time and resources and go straight to war without manufacturing a provocative incident." Congress is expected to vote on a war resolution before it abcesses in October. BUSH CALLS FOR WAR BEFORE ELECTIONS "The New World Order's on a schedule, and we can't wait for stragglers," Camp David, MD - (GIN) -President G.W. "Hellfire" Bush followed up on his speech to the U.N. yesterday calling for them to act within days or weeks, not months. "We want this war, and we want it now!" Bush said. Supporters around the country and world cheered Bush's tough stance, but critics said Bush was pushing too hard, too fast. "It's so transparent," said one critic. "He should wait until after the elections. Then it won't be perceived as political. It'll be a good war." Bush denied turning the discussion of war into a political weapon. "I want this war before the elections. I thought I made that clear. But it's got nothing to do with the elections, it's just that that's a date everybody knows. November. On the first Tuesday, I think," Bush said. "The New World Order's on a schedule, and we can't wait for stragglers," Bush said. Candidates around the country, aware the future of control of the Senate may be up for grabs, differed in their opinions about when the war should be. Some who did not wish to go on record said the election should not be about the war, it should be about the economy, which is bad and will get worse if there is a war. Referring to the President, one candidate declared "It's the stupid, stupid." Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenbacks, testifying before the Congressional Committee Investigating Stuff, said a war would not be good for the economy. "The price of oil will go up if there's a war," Greenbacks said. "Of course," he conceded, "the price of oil always goes up. That's the nature of the oil business. What're you gonna do? Alternative fuel? Hah. That's a joke." In related news, Florida election officials asked Bush to use his war powers to postpone the November elections "until we can get our machines working." 
Bush, Wife, Hang Heads In Shame, Having Forgotten To Ask "What Would Jesus Do?"
RENO'S AGENTS SURROUND MCBRIDE'S HOUSE; SHE ACCUSES HIM OF BEING A CULT LEADER Tampa, FL - (GIN) - Forty-seven special agents working for former Attorney General Janet Reno surrounded her primary opponent's house and Reno accused him of being a cult leader. "It has come to my attention that Bill McBride is the leader of the Ranch Dressingians," Reno declared at a press conference as McBride placed frantic calls to the police. "They worship kumquats and preach that sex belongs in the back seats of cars, and they pray with the menu from McDonald's," Reno said. McBride failed to get help from the police as they were all occupied with the three suspected terrorists caught driving while driving. Reno said that should negotiations fail, her agents would have to firebomb McBride's house. "And I'm willing to do that," Reno said, "because that's governoresque." CHIRAC PROPOSES TWO-PRONGED APPROACH TO IRAQ French Leader Warns "The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same" Paree, France - (GIN) - French Prime Minister or President Jack Chirac joined the international argument about Iraq, calling for a two-pronged approach. "Prong number one is to try to deal with them as if they can be trusted, as if they genuinely want to be part of the peace-loving international community," he said. "Prong number two," he continued, "is to let them overrun your country, seize your capitol, steal your artwork and march your Jews, Gypsies and Gays off to death camps, and then hope the United States will do something about it." "It worked the last time," Chirac said. LUGGAGE QUESTIONS DROPPED FROM AIRPORT TEST Atlanta-y'all, GA - (GNS) - Airport baggage checkers will no longer ask if anyone fucked with your bags, Transportation Security Agency director D. B. Cooper announced yesterday. "Yeah, they're not gonna ask that anymore," he said. Cooper said the TSA did a study and learned that the two questions relating to someone fucking with your bags had never prevented a hijacking or worse. Cooper also said the study also showed no one of Tiger Woods' ethnic mix had ever hijacked an airplane, "but that won't stop us from searching everyone. We may eliminate questions, but we're not profiling," he said. 
Weapons Inspector practices searching desert for chemical factory. CHENEY, RUMSFELD PONDER ATTACK ON ENGLAND "We Never Did Get Payback For Their Attack On Washington" Veep Says FT Special Correspondent Bunker Hill, MA - (GNS) - Citing frustration with Congress over a desired war on Iraq, Vice President Cheney called for a war on England yesterday in his talk to American Veterans of Granada Invasion. "The time has come to end the mortal threat posed by the sleeping mini-giant that is England, a.k.a. Great Britain," Cheney declared. "They attacked our Capitol and have yet to pay for it," he said. In a separate speech before the Washington D.C. Pentagon Press Corps, also known as "The Eleven A.M. Follies", Secretary of War Don Rumsfeld echoed Cheney. "The time has come to end the mortal threat posed by the sleeping mini-giant that is England, a.k.a. Great Britain," Rumsfeld declared. Secretary of State Colin Powell dismissed the speeches as "the frustrated rhetoric of old men willing to send young men off to die." Presidential Press Secretary Ari Fishcan said the president is reviewing the matter. |
 Arafat, Surrounded By Israeli Army, Surrounded By Hostile Arab League Nations. (Arafat Compound and Israel Not Visible) 
 SHEEN, ANISTON ANNOUNCE BID FOR WHITE HOUSE Emmy Winners Will Seek The Dem & GOP Nominations Hollywould, CA - (GNS) - Martin Sheen and Jennifer Aniston announced after the Emmy ceremonies they would seek the presidency and vice presidency of the United States, running on a Democrat-Republican ticket. "I'm the Democrat, she's the Republican," Sheen said. He said what they hope to do is "unite this country in its pursuit of freedom, justice and quality television entertainment." "It's all in the writing," Aniston said after acknowledging that her husband, Brad Pitt, is a Democrat. "The problem with the current administration, and really with both parties in Congress is that they just don't have good writers," she said. Sheen said he thought their candidacy would inspire the TV writers in L.A. and literary writers elsewhere in the country to become involved in politics. "Johnson had great speeches. So did Kennedy. Well there have got to be more good writers out there besides Ted Sorenson and Dick Goodwin," Sheen said. He expanded on his vision. "I see a world that is written by the folks who wrote Taxi, M*A*S*H, Mary Tyler Moore, Lou Grant, Hill Street Blues, Barney Miller, Bill Cosby, and Saturday Night Live," he said. "The first two years of SNL," Aniston said, "when it was really good." Aniston expressed her vision. "If you take Marty's list and add Friends, The West Wing, The Sopranos, The Larry Sanders Show, and, well, something black and something latino, this would be a great country." "We have a black person on our show, a regular," Sheen said. "That's what makes him the Democrat," Aniston said. Political pundits said they doubted Sheen and Aniston would win the nominations of both parties. "Bush is riding high right now, despite the economic chaos, and Gore, well, I think Sheen has a better chance," said both Jeff Greenfield and Bill O'Reilly from the set of their new news show, Blather & Bloviate.  Marijuana victim, 22, protests pot giveaway; says "Dope made me old, put me in this wheelchair, and made me think imaginatively. It's awful." Federal Doctors report Marijuana causes wheelchair dependency "83% of the time." DRUG-CRAZED CALIFORNIANS DISTRIBUTE FREE POT Bush Calls For Free Screenings of "Reefer Madness"; Daughter Jenna Will Hit Lecture Circuit Sanna Cruise, CA - (GNS) - Mayor Tommy Chong, City Councilmembers, and members of Doctors For Dope and the Firesign Theatre Fan Club gathered yesterday on the steps of the City Hall & Bong Emporium to give away marijuana. "Hey man, like, you know," Mayor Chong said. Thousands of citizens suffering from pre-war anxiety showed up to receive the medical marijuana. "Hey man, like, you know," one said as he lit up a doobie. President George W. "Narc" Bush responded to the giveaway immediately, if not sooner. "We must expand the drug war," he said, using his favorite word, "war". Bush ordered free screenings of the anti-marijuana movie "Reefer Madness", produced by the FBI and SAG during the patriotic, anti-Red 1950s. "'Reefer Madness'" is the most effective tool we have," Bush said. "It's a movie, and people watch those. Hell, when I saw it, I was so scared it drove me to drink. That's how good it is," Bush said. Bush said his daughter Jenna will begin a lecture tour speaking out against the evils of "pot". "I'm proud of her. She's had her troubles. This will be a hectic tour. She'll probably have to take speed. But it's worth it," he said. "Hey man, like, you know," Jenna said.  Saddam Hussein, "Public Enemy Number One"  Osama Bin Laden, "Former Public Enemy Number One" BIN LADEN RESURFACES, CHALLENGES BUSH: "I'M PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, NOT HUSSEIN!" Cave #47, Afghan-Pakistan Border - (GIN) - Appearing obviously hurt by the demotion to the Number Two Public Enemy, Osama Bin Laden emerged from hiding with a new videotape that challenged Bush's decision. "I am the one who ordered the destruction of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I conceived the idea. I dispatched the troops. Just answer me this, what the hell has Saddam done?" Bin Laden answered the question, saying Hussein had simply fought Iran with U.S. assistance, and invaded Kuwait, which had mostly to do with an old border dispute. "Hussein has done nothing to lead our cause. He is a military dictator, not a true Muslim leader. He has perpetrated no harm whatsoever on the United States. How the hell can he be number one?" Bin Laden demanded. Analysts said the tape appeared to be genuine, and confirmed Bin Laden was still alive. "You've got to wonder what Bush will do now that we know Bin Laden is still alive, and, by the way, makes a pretty good case," one analyst said. Hussein did not publicly acknowledge the promotion to Number One, but aides did tell some news contacts that Hussein would travel to accept the award. CHENEY CALLS FOR MORE PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKES ON MORE COUNTRIES Egypt Tops List, Where West Nile Terrorist Virus Originated Bunker Hill, MA - (GNS) - Vice President Dick "Dick" Cheney called for hundreds of pre-emptive strikes as he elaborated on his Pre-Emptive Strike Doctrine before an audience of weapons industry executives at Pre-Emptive Strike, Inc. "There are imminent threats all over the place," Cheney declared. "Why, any one of these countries could be developing weapons of mass destruction, or worse," he said, pointing to a map of the world. Cheney singled out Egypt as the first target after Iraq. "Egypt has launched the West Nile Virus. They're so sneaky," he said. He said U.S. Intelligence has confirmed radical mosquito breeders in secret mosques along the Nile hatched this plan two years ago. "We've heard alot of chatter," he said, referring to tapes that contain tens of thousands of phone calls between lots and lots of people. Cheney said Libya was also a target. "Qaddafi's been too damn quiet. He's up to something," Cheney said. Cheney also listed Ethiopia, Somalia, Iran, Vietnam, Korea, and Grand Fenwick. "We'll get onto this as soon as I get George to do something about Colin," Cheney said.   N.C. FIELDS TWO CANDIDATES FOR MISS AMERICA Nude Or Clothed, You Be The Judge Blue Nose, NC - (GNS) - The proud state of North Carolina, one of the original thirteen colonies, is trying something original this year. Two candidates from the state, one who posed nude and one who didn't, will compete for the still-coveted title of Miss America. Gloria Bazzoomercom won the actual contest, but then was disallowed when nude photos taken by her boyfriend surfaced. The contest judges then awarded the state title to Patty Puretrim, whose boyfriend has only taken decent, wholesome photos. Bazzoomercom sued and a state judge has ruled both contestants won. Bazzoomercom's manager, Al Screw, issued a brief statement in support of his client. "Let's remember, three-fifths of the word title is tit." Miss America Pageant official have yet to comment. Puretrim was described by her minister as "mortified." Her minister has denied all charges of child molestation. The pageant, scheduled for later this year, will be co-hosted by Anita Bryant and Anna Nicole Smith. "It's a ratings thing," pageant organizers said. HARD DRIVE CRASH HITS FICTIONAL TIMES CIA, Al Qaeda Suspected Dubuque, IA - (GNS) - The computer in the headquarters of The Fictional Times sufffered a hard drive crash, putting the epaper out of publication for almost a month, according to FT press spokesperson Peter Zenger. "I regret there was alot of news we missed, but when a hard drive crashes, well, it sucks," Zenger said. Editors and reporters met with the FBI to look at mugshot books and surveillance tapes in what is so far a vain search to identify the perpetrators. "The problem with the surveillance tape, everyone walks straight at it. There are no profiles," said one frustrated profiling expert. "We run alot of stuff exposing the CIA and Al Qaeda," said one editor. "That's why they top the list of suspects." "We're the paper that broke the story about the CIA hiring Bin Laden to find Bin Laden," said another. "You know, when you're a satirist, you make enemies," said one of the epaper's satirists. "Ironic, huh?" Reporters have also suggested investigating skinhead groups, liberals, conservatives, Greens, Teamsters, Aaron Brown, Frank Miller, and various four-legged creatures. "We get some hate email. Typical 'Why don't you just stop it, huh, why don'tcha?' kind of stuff," Zenger said. Police investigators suggested the hard drive just failed. "Yeah, and nobody shot JFK," Zenger snapped. While FT was out of commission, Things happened in the Mideast, Europe, Washington D.C. and New York City. "Now we're up and running again. The power of the printed word will not be denied," he said. "Ignored, but not denied," he added. |
GORE CRITICIZES PRESIDENT; GOP Responds: "Politicizing War Effort Is Our Job" Vague, CA - (GNS) - Former Vice President Al "Albert" Gore sternly criticized President George "Harm's Way" Bush in a speech at the California Club yesterday. "He... just... is... not... doing... a... good... job," Gore said. "He... is... taking... too... long... to... do... something... good... about... the economy... and... he... is... getting... bogged... down... with... Iraq... instead... of... Al... Qaeda." Gore's four paragraph speech took three hours to deliver. Medical marijuana was distributed to the attendees to ease the pain. Gore said he could do better. "Rigorous,... thorough,... deliberative... discussions... need... to... occur... Then... it... will... be... time... for.. swift,... decisive... multi... lateral... action. GOP strategists and Administration insiders blasted Gore's speech. "He's making the American war against Iraq a political thing. That's our job," declared Karl Rove, a close adviser to the president. Ari Flyshirt issued an official statement from the White House, although he denied it was from the president himself. "Fool me once, there is shame. Shame enough to go around. The world. Fool me twice, well, you won't fool me again. Fool me three times and, boy, you're asking for it. Go ahead. I dare you. Just try to fool me three times. Fools rush in, but you better not tread on me," Flyshirt read. NORTON CHARGED WITH STEALING FROM INDIANS; INTERIOR SEC'Y DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A CRIME Justice Dept. Defends Her Against "Indian-lover" Judge Fort Laramie, NEB - (GNS) - Federal Judge Roy Bean charged Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton with stealing billions of dollars from Native American tribes yesterday. Norton and the U.S. Justice Dept. disputed the charge. "We gave them blankets," Norton declared. "For many years, stealing from Indians was not a crime. It was heroic," Norton's attorney J. Bennett Wayne insisted. Bean said Norton had been ordered to account for all the money missing from trust funds set aside for Native Americans and managed by the Federal Government. "Instead of doing her job, she stalled and dilly-dallied," he said. Dilly-dallying in the face of a Court order is a Class II felony, he explained. "He's just an Indian-lover," Wayne said. Norton is not the first Interior Secretary to be charged with this kind of offense. Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt, "a Democrat who should have known better," said Bean, also failed to figure out what's owed and turn it over. Native Americans said they would like to have the money soon, as the impending nuclear war with Iraq could make growing corn very difficult. IRAQ CALLS FOR U.N. INSPECTION OF U.S.; "IT'S TIME TO FIND THE ANTHRAX!" Baghdad, Iraq - (GIN) - Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein called upon the U.N. to send weapons inspectors to the United States to search for Anthrax. "The anthrax that killed the Americans, sent with letters, that was American anthrax made in the U.S.A.," Hussein said. Hussein suggested the source of the anthrax and the perpetrator of the crimes had not been found either because it was all a C.I.A. plot, or because American authorities were "not looking hard enough". "Besides, why should we trust the Americans? The U.N. should do this," Hussein said. U.N. officials said they would have to consider the suggestion, although they thought the U.S. would veto the idea. "It does make you think, though," said one. CALLS FLOOD FBI, LAW ENFORCEMENT SWITCHBOARDS; WAITRESSES AND OTHERS REPORT CEOs ARE PLANNING CORPORATE TERRORISM, MASSIVE THEFT Atlanta, GA - (GNS) - CNN reported thousands of phone calls flooded law enforcement agency and Homeland Security Department switchboards with tips about corporate terrorists. "Waitresses and other ordinary Americans are calling in, reporting terrorist acts against the economic security of the nation, and planned acts," CNN reported. CNN said it has dispatched reporters and camera crews to camp out at hundred of private homes and corporate headquarters to broadcast 24-hour coverage of what it calls "Corporate Terrorists On The Run". The U.S. Justice Department and the Homeland Security Department have not dispatched armed officers. "We've got to move cautiously on these allegations. Even though several of them come from waitresses, we can't really take their word for it," said a Justice Dept. spokesman. EDWIN STARR ADDRESSES U.N. Soul Singer Shares Thoughts About War New York, NY - (GNS) - Singer Edwin Starr spoke to the U.N. yesterday about war. "War, huh, good God ya'll, what is it good for? Absolutely nothin'! Say it again: War, huh, good God ya'll, what is it good for? Absolutely nothin'!" Delegates of the General Assembly said they would take Starr's comments under advisement. NATION GOES TO ORANGE ALERT Magenta Could Be Next Pentagon, VA - (GNS) - The nation was placed on Orange alert earlier today, Defense Department officials announced. "We are no longer on Yellow Alert, we are on Orange alert," General Gray Colors said at the regular morning press briefing. "This does not mean we are suddenly on the lookout for oranges instead of bananas, although that would make alot more sense," he said. "This means everyone should be careful. Very, very careful," he said. Colors said if the nation goes to Magenta alert, everyone will be encouraged to be extra special careful and alert, and all suspicious people will be placed on automatic double-secret probation. ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON KARZAI REASSURES WORLD COMMUNITY “Assassins Don’t Strike Unless A Nation Is Well Developed And Progressing” Is Consensus Tallulah Bunker, Afghanistan - (GIN) - Telegrams congratulating Afghani President Heyiambad Karzai poured into Kabul following the recent assassination attempt on his life. "Welcome to the family of nations," read one. "Congrats on being shot at," read another. "I am so happy," Karzai said in a spontaneous speech to followers and well-wishers gathered around his headquarters. "A nation that has struggled as we have, this is a glorious moment," he said. "No nation worth its salt has ever not had an assassination attempt on its leader," according to Professor Ernst Dooblah-Negatif, of the Sorbonne Community College of Schenectaday, New York. "Assassins don't strike unless a nation is well developed and progressing," he said. "This is a clear indication that Afghanistan is making very healthy progress." "You must remember, no one took the United States seriously until Lincoln was shot," he said. A framed picture of Karzai was sent to the assassin's family, acknowledging their role in helping make Afghani history. OHIO COURT OUTLAWS LOCAL DEMOCRACY Appeal To U.S. Supreme Court Is Not Expected Colon, OH - (GNS) - The Ohio Supreme Court crushed the health ambitions of individual cities in the state yesterday ruling that local laws banning smoking in all public places were unconstitutional. Judges cited the tobacco exception to the preamble of the Constitution in their opinion. "I thought democracy meant that if we didn't want something that threatens our health, we could make it illegal," said anti-smoking activist John Adams. "I don't understand it," declared Betsy Ross, an exasperated former cheerleader who now works as a cheer instructor at the public school in Notreville. "Why does there have to be a state law on this that supercedes local law? I can understand why cheerleading squads have to be uniform, but why smoking laws?" Activists said they were not likely to appeal, given the current make-up of the U.S. Supreme Court. "They go after marijuana, not tobacco," said Adams. INDICTED WORLDCOM EXECS LAUNCH "PRISONCOM" Exclusive Prison Will Be For Convicted CEOs" New Yawk, NY - (GNS) - Worldcom executives Jack B. Nimble and Jack Bequik announced plans to build several exclusive prisons for convicted CEOs around the country. "There's a growing market for this," Nimble said. "Friends in the federal government have already assured us of the financing," Bequik said. Justice Department officials estimate that over one thousand corporate executives will be convicted of crimes against integrity over the next two to three years. "And you can't put all of them in one prison. It'd be like The Great Escape," Nimble said. "You gotta spread 'em out or you'll be faced with the greatest corporate criminal minds in history all working together on some gigantic Ponzie scheme." Attorney General John "Holy Roller" Ashcroft denied having any connection to the plan, but conceded Nimble had a point about bunching all the cons together. "You would think that a Bible lesson and one good thrashing would do the trick," he said. "I mean, they're not dope-dealers or traitors." Nimble said if his appeals proceed as expected, the first prison will be ready when it's time for him to serve. |
