|
INTENT DETECTOR UNDER DEVELOPMENT AT U. OF CHICAGO "Manhattan II" Attracts Scientists From Europe, Japan, Alabama Chicago, IL - (GNS) - Scientists from all over the western world and Japan arrived within the last week to join the not-so-secret Manhattan II project to develop an intent detector. "This detector, when developed and installed, will be able to indicate to a well-trained security guard the intent of the person passing through its field," said the project's director, Dr. Lithgow Lizardo. "If the person wants to get laid, we'll know. If he wants to hijack the plane, we'll know. If he wants to read a John Grisham book on the flight, we'll know," said Lizardo. Lizardo said it would be "a bad idea" to reveal the theory behind the technology. "Let's just say it has to do with atoms, molecules, heartbeats per minutes, those areas that show up blue in the brain scans, and other stuff," he said. When asked if reading thoughts might lead to thought control, Lizardo said he was "just a humble country scientist from Huntsville, Alabama," and had very, very, very little interest in controlling most people. "HELIOS" WING FLIES BY ITSELF More Plane Parts Will Fly In Future Pasadena, CA - (GNS) - The pilot-less, remote-controlled "Helios" wing flew without being attached to an airplane, soaring up to dizzying heights and gliding to a safe landing, opening the door for more and more self-contained plane parts to fly without the rest of the plane attached. "This is a remarkable breakthrough," said Tom Swift of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. "We used to say 'just imagine, if a a wing could fly by itself, without a fuselage...'. Now we don't have to imagine it. It's here. We've done it." Swift said this achievement should lead the way "quickly" to a series of new styles of planes. "We'll have planes that look like fuselages, planes that look like cockpits, planes that look like tail wings. We may even be able to develop a plane that looks like a baggage compartment. Just imagine, a whole separate plane for your baggage, flown without a pilot." Swift dismissed critics who suggest remote-controlled pilot-less aircraft are easy prey for villainous hijackers with scarred, bald heads and eye-patches. "Hah!" he said. Then he added, "Where would we be if the Wright Brothers had worried about hijackers?" Swift said the "Helios" has already been licensed by a major fast-food chain. "'Helios Wings' they call it. Very crunchy," he said. HOUSE BILL MAKES RESEARCH ON TRANSPORTER TECHNOLOGY ILLEGAL Law Says Human Molecules Were Not Meant To Be Scrambled For Transportation Purposes Washington D.C. - (GNS) - The flurry of lawmaking in the U.S. House yesterday included legislation passed that would outlaw reserach on transporter technology. The bill was written by Rep. Klingon Inquisition. "They say mankind is made of molecules and it will be possible someday to transport those molecules through space," Inquisition said. "I say this is the Devil talking. It is communist gibberish. It is liberal claptrap," he declared. "We will not permmit the balkanization of the human body," he said. "If man were meant to travel in such a way, God would have created a popular TV show illustrating the idea," Inquisition argued. Lively debated ensued as proponents of the research suggested that God did create such a show. "Haven't you ever watched Star Trek?" one asked. "That was not a popular show, it was canceled after three seasons," Inquisition responded. "But the reruns," one proponent started to say before Inquistion interrupted him. "Reruns don't count. They are the work of the Devil," Inquisition said. The vote was 240 to 189, the same as the vote on the Be Patient bill. STRAGEGIC RUNAWAY TRAIN INITIATIVE PROPOSED Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Immediately following the terrorist attack using a runaway train carrying toxic molten phenol, President Bush proposed the creation of "SRTI, the Strategic Runaway Train Initiative." "I will, you know, include this, it's, it'll be in the budget. SETI. No, SRTI," said Bush, momentarilly confusing the anti-terrorist weapons systems with the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence program once conducted by NASA. Military officials endorsed Bush's plans immediately, declaring it was just as vital as other priority military needs. "We need this like we need a hole in the head," said Major Major Major Major, possibly in charge of weapons procurement. CIA officials confirmed wanted terrorist Bin Laden was behind the runaway train attack. "Laden. Molten. Huh? Pretty similar," said acting CIA Director Maxwell Smart. FBI officials announced they found reams of paperwork about the threat of runaway trains as a terrorist weapon, hidden under the McVeigh files. "We've actually known about this threat for a long time," said retiring FBI Director Louis Freeh. "This attack was particularly heinous, occuring in our nation's heartland," he added cryptically. "If this train had struck Kentucky, with all those moonshine stills, look out," said ATF Inspector Otis Campbell. Vice President Cheney was appointed by Bush to head the SRTI team. "The technology is there, if Congress funds it and we can develop it and if it works. We can stop this kind of attack as soon as we can figure out an effective way to prevent it," Cheney said. Opponents and critics of SRTI said the initiative was a "worthless, pointless waste of money and would take money from more worthy wastes." "Besides, it didn't require SRTI to stop the train. One CSX engineer stopped it. No one was hurt," said a Democrat senator who wished to remain anonymous, as they all do. "Oh sure," Cheney countered. "And no one was hurt at Three-Mile Island and that didn't stop us from shutting down the nation's nuclear program." "Okay, so that's not a good example," Cheney conceded, suddenly realizing he was for implementing the expensive program even though no one had been hurt. "It's 'nucular'," said Bush. |
CROP-DUSTERS, FRIEND OR FOE? Symposium Draws International Attention, Disparate Views Bohump, KS - (GNS) - A symposium at the University of Kansas-Bohump, planned months ago, drew international attention yesterday because of the recent terrorist attack and information that terrorists investigated using crop-dusters. "We scheduled this to talk about pest infestation prevention and noise complaints," said Dr. Dwight Humelflaven, "but now we're talking about terrorism." "These planes, they make alot of noise, but they fight pests," said Dr. Dwight Richardson. "It's always been a Faustian bargain." "It's pests versus lack of ability to control wind currents," said Dr. Dwight Faust. Most of the papers prepared for the symposium were moot on arrival: "Pests And Chemicals From The Air", "Chemicals From The Air And Pests", "Humans And Chemicals From The Air", "Crop-Dusters, The Safety Record", "An Evaluation Of Noise Complaints About Crop-Dusters In Rural Areas", "Crop-dust, Blowin' In The Wind, But In What Direction?", and "Dusted Foods; Are We Better Off Eating Insects?" were all papers scheduled for discussion. "Suddenly we've got people here from the National Security Agency, Le Monde, The Weekly World News, 60 Minutes, and the Office Of Military Intelligence, and they're discussing how easy it is for a terrorist to get ahold of a crop-duster," said Dwight Mumbly. "'Crop-dust, Blowin' In The Wind, But In What Direction?'" became the only relevant paper," said Humelflaven. "Plus, we've got all these crop-duster pilots and they're madder than hell at being grounded, if you'll pardon the expression," he added. "Ain't no two-bit scumfaced a-rab terrorist gettin' hold of my plane," said Dwight Heston, "an' I mean that will all due respect to our middle-east allies and the hyphenated Americans among us." "Crop Dust; Blowin' In The Wind, But In What Direction?" was not available to be discussed, as it was purchased by Houghton-Miflin for publication before Christmas, and optioned by Universal Studios for release as a major motion picture starring Keannu Reeves, Christopher Reeves, Jim Carrey, Mariah Carey, Gene Hackman, Michael Caine, Dennis Quaid, Meg Ryan, Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn, Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, and Drew Carey as Dwight Heston. GENGHIS KHAN'S GRAVE SITE FOUND Archaeologists Ignore Warning Of Curse Ten Hours From Ulan Bator, Mongolia - (GIN) - Archaeologists believe they have discovered the elusive grave site of the great fashion mogul and bloodthirsty Mongolian Warrior Chief Genghis Khan. "There's alot of graves here, tombs, and we're pretty sure the one that says Genghis Khan is his," said Helmut O'Farrelly of the University of Brunswick, New Jersey (UBNJ). O'Farrelly rejected the suggestion that the grave is cursed. "We found an inscription that translates one of two ways. It's either 'Beware, you will be cursed if you mess with this area', or 'Welcome to the historic grave site, the gift shop opens at noon.'" O'Farrelly said he leans toward the second interpretation. "It's common knowledge gift shops in these parts usually opened around 10am. This one opened at noon, so a sign was necessary," he explained. Nomadic residents of region maintain that the curse causes wildfires, heatwaves, and random acts of violence by Russian immigrants in the home country of those who trespass. "You should not dig here," said one nomad. "The last people who dug here are no longer alive." O'Farrelly pointed out the graves are pristine. "The last people who dug here dug in 1227, when Genghis Khan died," O'Farrelly said. Other nomads maintain Genghis Kahn never died. "Genghis, Elvis, you decide," said one, who had thick, black sideburns. GATES CALLS FOR STRATEGIC DEFENSE INITIATIVE AGAINST COMPUTER VIRUSES Proposes Defense Department Become Part Of Microsoft "To Fight The Real Enemy" Seattle, WA - (GWN) - Declaring that computer viruses pose the greatest threat to civilization, Microsoft God Bill Gates called for a Strategic Defense Initiative to combat the scourge and suggested the U.S. Department of Defense become a branch of his company "in order to achieve efficiency and timeliness in completing this mission." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld rejected the proposal. "Uh, no. I don't want to work for that guy," he said. Rumsfeld said missiles from rogue nations other than the United States were the greatest threat to civilization. Gates countered that computers with viruses could launch missiles from rogue and law-abiding nations. Their debate became immersed in technical jargon as Rumsfeld disagreed with Gates. Rumsfeld said, "Nuh uh." Gates shot back, "Um hmmm." Rumsfeld proposed folding Microsoft into the U.S. Government. "Microsoft could help us find the computer virus perpetrators, then we could laser-blast them from space with our SDI program," he said. Gates countered, announcing they have already put together software for the merger of the Defense Department under Microsoft. Called Microsoft Defense 2002, the software not only allows Microsoft to seek out and destroy computer virus generators, it also searches the Web for the best deals on toilet seats, hammers, and black berets. "Microsoft Defense 2002 can also compile lists of subversives, generate counter-viruses in the computers of anti-globalization protesters, keep the peace in Macedonia and fight a two-front war against Pakistan and Mars," Gates said. He added that this, of course, was theoretical. "We've never actually run a nation's defense department before, so I'm sure there'll be a few glitches," Gates said. Gates denied that he had created the Code Red virus in order to generate the scare that could open the door for his proposal. Rumsfeld said the NSA is looking into reports that Gates is working for the Chinese. "But don't tell anyone I said that," he said, with a finger over his lips. |
WHALES, GIRAFFES, PIGS RELATED Scientists Unearth Birth Records, Holiday Greeting Cards Smithsonian, D.C. - (GNS) - Scientists working at the Smithsonian Institute reported they have proof that whales, giraffes, pigs, porpoises, camels, hippopotami and possibly really obese people with long, long necks and armor-plated skin are related. They also said they have proof that whales used to be land animals. "It's an astounding discovery of astonishing proportions and amazing meanings," said Dr. W.C. Doolittle, director of the research project at the Smithsonian. "We found birth records dating backs millions of years that show a relationship based on the ankle bone and the structure of the ear that demonstrate these conclusions beyond a scintilla of doubt," he said. He also said holiday greeting cards were found at the undisclosed site from several pigs, wishing several whales a merry Christmas. "The cards were signed, 'Your Cousins'," he said. Doolittle said the importance of the find and its meaning was staggering. "I'm deeply staggered," he said. "First, knowing that these animals were related tells us alot about evolution, and the more we know about evolution, the better, because soon we won't be able to teach it anymore." Doolittle said knowing that pigs and whales were related should also help us relate to each other. "I know it's a sentimental thought, unpopular in warlike times, but if a pig and a whale can come from the same family, doesn't that suggest that all humans come from the same family?" he said. WATERGATE TAPE MYSTERY SOLVED Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Scientific science, which proved Louis Charles of France did die in prison, that Anastasia did die with her family, and that the Shroud of Turin is a 13th Century fake, was used yesterday to answer the question of what was on the eighteen and a half minutes of tape erased before it could be listened to by Federal investigators in the Watergate scandal that lead to Richard Nixon's tactical withdrawl from office. Using really modern sound and light techniques, along with DNA tests, microscopic analysis and other scientific approaches that combined computers with test tubes and recording playback machines with lots of dials and some blinking lights, investigators at the National Archives have so far been able to discern what was said during four minutes of the eighteen and a half minutes. Below is a partial transcript of the heretofore secret conversation between Nixon and his top aide H.R. Haldeman. Nixon: ...the, uh, uh, unit, the team, the ones, you know, with the money-- Haldeman: It wasn't our money. Nixon: No, and that should be remembered, Bob. It was money from investors-- Haldeman: Campaign contributors, sir. Nixon: Contributors, right. Decent, hardworking Americans, saving their nickels and dimes, no Jews, giving me their money because I represent all that stands between us and the, you know-- Haldeman: Jews? Nixon: No. Haldeman: Blacks? Nixon: No. Haldeman: Godless communists? Nixon: No. Haldeman: Atheistic Democrats? Nixon: No. Haldeman: Liberal media? Nixon: Yes, the liberal media. They've always hated me, Bob. That's why it was necessary to authorize, you know, the, uh, uh, and it was wrong, I admit, but necessary, the special team-- Haldeman: The Plumbers. Nixon: National Defense. We can't have the newspapers publishing what we're trying to keep secret from the public. It was for their own good. Bob, I'm also all that stands between us and the Jews, Blacks, Godless communists, atheistic Democrats, but mark my words and let me be perfectly clear, I'm not nearly as dangerous to this country as that governor of California, that actor. I know he's planning to run. We need to start now, set up a team, get the support of the Jews, Blacks and uh, all the others, warn them, tell them I'm really their friend. Tell them-- Archivists said they hope to discern what is on the remaing twelve and a half minutes within the next few months. CROCODILE TEARS FOUND IN ITALY Outskirts of Genoa, Italy - (GIN) - Archaeologists specializing in studying recent events announced the discovery of Crocodile tears in Italy, near the recently riot-torn city of Genoa. "We've been working here for weeks," Dr. Sean Hook, professor of Forensic Archaeology at Wyoming State University said. "Not a thing, til after that protester was killed. Then, Crocodile tears all over the place," he said. He said he named them "The G8 Tears." Hook said it will take months, maybe years, to explain the find, but he hoped to have at least a few of them ready to display "for the next G8 summit." METEOR HITS NORTHEAST; MORGAN FREEMAN, TEA LEONE KILLED Bruce Willis Fails To Save Pennsylvania; Robert Duvall To Be Court-Martialed Western, PA - (GNS) - A meteor of unknown proportions hit the northeast United States yesterday, reigning terror and death on parts of Pennsylvania, New York and Virginia, but mostly Pennsylvania. President Morgan Freeman and young, vibrant, impetuous TV reporter Tea Leone were killed, but not instantly. Oil rig wildcatter and daredevil macho guy Bruce Willis, contracted by the U.S. Army to stop the meteor before it hit, failed. Former Astronaut Robert Duvall, also working to stop the meteor, also failed. The Army said Duvall will be court-martialed. The charges include failure to enlist Ben Affleck and Steve Buscemi in the effort, relying instead on people whose names no one knows or remembers. Freeman was killed when an erratic chunk of meteor headed for southern Pennsylvania suddenly veered straight into the White House. Secret Service agents failed to stop the meteor, diverted by a truck of unknown origins parked in the driveway. "Our dogs reacted strangely to the truck," said Agent Tommy Retteg. "Turns out, it was just faulty tires." Leone was killed by a freak tidal wave that rose up out of Pennsylvania's usually passive Wanongahongamonga River. Willis apologized for his failure and said next time he would not name his daughter Liv Tyler. Freeman, the nation's first Black president, will lie in state for 28 days, then be buried in Arlington. Vice President Glenn Close was sworn in as president shortly after boarding Air Force One to pose for an historic photo. No one else was killed or injured by the meteor. TOP |