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THE NEWS IN BRIEF, WITH PICTURES... Bin Laden laughs, sings, struts, farts, dances, grins maniacally and admits he hates U.S. in soon-to-be released video shot by Leni Riefenstahl. Madman declares he would rather "die like a coward in a cave" than face his enemies, even though by doing so he will only receive eleven virgins instead of seventy-five.  Bush and Saudi Foreign Minister Al-Faisal discuss the relative meanings of ideas like democracy and human rights. After Discussion, Al-Faisal Awarded Bush With The Title "Dubya Of Arabia".  Attorney General Ashcroft prays that no one will realize how ridiculous it is for him to oppose FBI background checks on gun purchases to aid the hunt for terrorists as he declares "We are at war" and seeks to minimize or eliminate other Constitutional rights.  Bush, Putin, Say Nothing At Press Conference Each Leader Is Believed To Have Been Thinking, But No Proof Was Offered.  Public Responds To Bush's Call For Volunteerism And Sacrifice, Gives Up Luxury Of Color So There's More For Military. Public also chooses to see things in Black and White.  Militant Islamic Fundamentalists Prepare For Ramadan With Korans And Guns. West plans to counter threat with Bibles and... Guns.  Lockheed-Martin Wins Billion Dollar Contest. "This new baby can fly thru tunnels and its armament can distinguish between right-wing fundamentalist Islamic terrorists, moderate Taliban, and other Muslims," says Secretary of War Rumsfeld.  ARI FLEISCHER DECLARES VICTORY IN VIETNAM WAR. Fleischer told reporters: "The reason we've won every war we ever fought is because of our ideals." Ho Chi Minh and Lt. William Calley were not available to comment. | BIN LADEN VIDEO DEBUTS TO NEAR-UNANIMOUS REACTION Political Leaders, Movie Critics, Pundits, Stars Turn Out Arlington, VA - (GNS) - Following a build-up that rivaled the pre-release hype about the Harry Potter movie, and production problems that rivaled Waterworld, the long-awaited Bin Laden Video debuted yesterday at an invitation-only premiere in a screening room at the Pentagon. It was received with almost universal disgust. "You call that quality sound?" one movie star who often mumbles asked rhetorically. "It's like 'Blair Witch' without even the minimum of production values," David Manning, movie critic, noted. Both Roger Seabert and Roger Rexskill said they would give it thumbs down. "It makes 'My Dinner With Andre' look like an epic with a cast of thousands," Seabert noted. "Like I don't get why they call it a video. There's no music," said Grammy winner Britney Spears. Several pundits and actors voiced their disdain at the endless conversations about soccer games and dreams. "Every two seconds some guy is sayin' he dreamed the thing, then the next guy says he dreamed it, even bigger. What the hell kind of dialogue is that?" asked Quentin Tarantino. "And the part where the guy says now Americans are attacked for the first time, I mean, don't those folks know anything about Pearl Harbor and World War II?" wondered Stephen Spielburg. Political leaders and pundits fixed their comments on the substance of the video. "It confirms what we've said all along and demonstrates the necessity of curtailing certain civil liberties and further beefing up the armed forces." said Secretary of War Donny Rumsfeld. "Be careful what you dream," warned press spinster Ari Fleischer. "We'll be setting up a dream investigation unit," Secretary of Lawn Order John Ashcroft said. A minority view was offered by some observers in Palestine, Saudi Arabia, and in parts of the Al Qaeda terroritory in Pakistan. "How can you criticize the production values? This is what we intended. When you seek to destroy civilization, your films must reflect a diminishment of standards. The next time you see Bin Laden, in the sequel, he will be dead, there will be no sound, and the picture will be a scratchy, grainy black. Then you will know we have won," said Mullah Khaliliriefenstalistan, Taliban Film Minister. Hamas, Egyptian Jihad and Kuwaiti officials issued a joint statement that read, in part, "The video proves nothing. The Jews did it. They make movies. The video is a hoax. Besides, the translation is wrong. He is really saying 'Oh, do you like my beard? Want to see me beat up some women? Allah says. Here, eat some cow. Are the virgins here yet? I like my beard.'" O.J., CONDIT RETURN TO NEWS HEADLINES A Weary, Nervous Nation Is Divided Over This Development Miami, FL - (GNS) - O.J. Simpson's house was searched. Congressman Gary Condit announced he was running for re-election. "It's the return of the cheap scandal," said White House Scandal Coordinator Matt Dredge. "It's a sign we, as a nation, have finally relaxed and are ready to return to the basics of news as entertainment." Polls indicated Dredge might be optimistic, according to N.M. Gallup. "People are very, very nervous about this," said Gallup, a private citizen often called upon to comment on the state of the nation because his last name is the same as the famous poll. "We are weary of the war, not really interested in the step-by-step seizure of our civil liberties, but I don't know if that means we want a return to O.J. and Condit." "I would be glad to be a diversion again," Simpson said. "Just don't search my house." Condit said he was not running to rescue a weary nation, "but I don't mind that spin. If you want to see me as a white knight or the Seventh Cavalry instead of as a philanderer, shoot, that's okay by me." "It's part of the return to normalcy," declared White House Press Spinster Ari Fleischermesiter. "It's a bad sign," said linguist and social critic Noam Chomsky. Pat Luckenbill, an assistant bag-boy in New Madrid, Missouri, said he felt good about seeing Simpson's name in the paper again. "It made me feel, you know, like the good old days are back," he said. Jessica Vaccuum, a computer chip model in Cleveland, had an opposite opinion. "It made me feel, you know, like the good old days aren't back," she said. Enron CEO Kenneth Lay said he spoke for the "powers that be" when he declared "Simpson is important to the American people. This idea that this isn't news is false. It's a helluvalot more important than Enron's financial dealings, I'll tell you that. And Condit? As long as he supports tax breaks for the rich, deregulation, and amnesty for robber barons, he's got my backing." CONGRESS, NATION TURN THEIR EYES TO PEACE DIVIDEND, MOSTLY The Dividend, Which Vaporized After The End Of The Cold War, Is Sought Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Now that the war against the evildoers is almost over, mostly, sort of, the nation's leaders and the public at large were beginning to discuss the so-called Peace Dividend, promised but not delivered in 1989 when the Soviet Union fell. "Man, I can't wait," said Barry Caputo, a longshoreman from Paducah, Kentucky. "I mean, I'm glad we spent the money we did the way we did, mostly, you know, I guess, sort of, but now, how about some money for us?" "I ain't no Enron CEO, I ain't no Enron CEO son," sang part-time blues singer and freelance door-to-door mathematician Joseph 'Square Root Of Zero' Waters. "Lemme tell you the cost of livin' done sure got me on the run." "Dust my broom," he added. "How about better schools? Better roads?" Earle McClelland, a grape farmer from Norfolk, Virginia, wondered allowed. "I mean, if we thought of the decline of education the same way as we do an attack on national security, we'd have our education fixed in three months, mostly." Others around the country voiced similar sentiments regarding the need for vastly improved hospitals and healthcare. "I wish they'd make better movies," said Arthur Babbitt. "I mean, I go to movies alot more than I go to a hospital, or to war. They just don't make good ones anymore, mostly." Congressional leaders, standing in front of the Capitol Building, sang "There's A Hole In The Bucket" and called for the peace dividend to exist and be spent on "needed things, you know, like education and health care and stuff, mostly." Bush Treasury Secretary Willie Sutton said he doubted if there would be a peace dividend. "I think the President has made it clear that any loose money not already committed to a missile defense program and a bailout of Enron has to go to drilling the ANWR," Sutton said. "Mostly," he added. SCIENTISTS WORK ON STUFF BESIDES WAR WHILE THERE'S A WAR ON President Upset, Calls For Secret Tribunal Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Scientists announced breakthroughs in cloning and cigarette smoking research, triggering the ire of President Bush and many in Congress. "I can't believe they're dickin' around with clones," Bush said in an obviously unguarded moment. "I want it stopped," he said. "Unless they can show me how God wants this done and it can help win this war against Evildoers, then tell 'em they'd better cut it out," he said. Scientists working on cloning said they could not immediately demonstrate the utility of their research in a war, but said if it were not for God, all this chemistry wouldn't exist, nor would the brains they are using to explore the chemistry. Meanwhile, scientists researching the dangers of cigarette smoking announced that low-tar cigarettes are just as dangerous and their brethren. "What's that got to do with defeating the Evildoers?" Bush demanded to know. Bush said he may have to convene a secret Military Tribunal "if this nonsense keeps up." "Those scientists should be workin' on the next generation of Daisycutter bombs. And those cigarette guys should leave it alone. We got boys in uniform who smoke low-tar cigarettes and I don't want them confused about what they're fightin' for and where the real danger is," Bush said. Scientists said they are very reluctant to cease their research. "I thought this war was against people who oppose modernity, who oppose freedom of thought, who oppose cultural diversity which implies a diversity of values, who oppose anything that would undermine totalitarianism, so I'm kind of surprised the President would want to shut us down the way the Taliban would. I'd expect it of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, but I thought Bush was a moderate right-winger," said Dr. I. M. Outtahere, as he packed his bags for a long prison spell. "Lincoln once declared his desire for there to be 'a hundred Grants'," said one of the cloning research scientist. "Maybe someday, with this technology..." "And maybe they can drop cigarettes on the Taliban. It's slow, but effective," said a cigarette researcher. SADDAM HUSSEIN TURNS IN BIN LADEN, CLAIMS $25 MILLION REWARD "This Will Help My Bioweapons Program," Surly Dictator Says Bagdhad, Iraq - (GIN) - Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein turned over Osama Bin Laden to U.S. Special Forces near Khandahar and claimed the twenty-five million dollar reward posted by the U.S. Government. "I am happy to fight against terrorism," Hussein declared. "Now, show me the money." U.S. officials have not commented yet, other than to indicate they are happy to have Bin Laden in custody. "It's a peculiar turn of events," one State Department official said. Several foreign policy analysts disagreed. "This is nothing if not a most unpeculiar turn of events," Dr. C.W. Rotate of Johns Hopkins University said. "Iraq was on our side against Iran, then the mujhadeen were on our side against the U.S.S.R., then Saudi Arabia was on our side against Iraq, then Iran and Russia were on our side against Afghanistan. It's more circular than a waterwheel," he said. Hussein said he expected the U.S. to uphold its end of the bargain. "I am sure they will pay me what they owe me. I can't wait. It will help my bioweapons program," he said. A secret tape of the meeting between Bin Laden and Hussein that lead to Bin Laden's capture was recovered. Excerpts of the tape reveal that Bin Laden offered Hussein thirty million not to turn him over. The following dialogue is transcribed from the tape: "I give you t'irty million not to turn me over." "You got it on ya?" "Got it on me? Of course I do not have it on me." "I gotta see it, or I will turn you over." "You can trust me. I am good for it." "I don't know, Osama. I think your network is in ruins." "Alright, alright. I give you t'irty-five million." "You got it on ya?" Hussein signed autographs after Bin Laden was taken into custody, then drove away in a Mercedes Jeep convertible. "Send the check. You know where I live," he called out as he rode away. FOOTBALL FAN'S ESCAPADE CLOSES HARTSFIELD AIRPORT Justice Dept. Detains Hundreds Of Thousands Of Football Fans In Search For Secret Cell Atlanta, GA - (GNS) - The football fan who broke through security at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport and whose real name has not yet been released to the public is being held without bail while a huge manhunt for the rest of his terrorist cell continues. Millions of football fans around the country have been hauled in for questioning, and most have been detained in football stadiums. Civil rights attorneys have challenged the widespread search and profiling. "They are seizing everyone with a football banner or jacket," said Alan Dershowitz, a civil rights attorney who prefers chess to football. "This is too broad." The fan, who gave a fake name to police and who is now known as Joltin' Joe, denied he was part of any terrorist organization. But his wife said his behavior has been erratic ever since she met him. "He just tunes me out for hours at a time, stares at the TV, follows incredibly detailed items in the newspaper, makes shorthand notes, seems to talk for hours with friend in code, and makes numerous phone calls that make no sense to me," she said. "I always thought he was just sick. I had no idea he was a terrorist," she added. Justice Department officials denied they were practicing profiling. "We look for clues," one investigator said. "If a person behaves like a football fan, like Joltin' Joe, then we have a responsibility to investigate." Polls show that most Americans endorse the widespread investigation. "Hell, it makes it a helluvalot easier to get seats," said one American at a football game. "As long as you don't have a pennant or anything, you don't get stopped. All the hardcore fans got busted, and I got seats on the fifty-yard-line." BUSH MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE WON ELECTION A Nonchalant Nation Remains Unshaken Miami, FL - (GNS) - A consortium of newspapers completed their 10-month study of the ballots cast in the Presidential Election in Florida and concluded decisively that Bush may or may not have won the election. It depends on how the ballots are counted and which ballots are counted, consortium spokesperson Adrian Messenger said. "If you count all the votes for Bush, and not all the votes for Gore, Bush wins," Messenger said. "But, if you count all the votes for Gore and not all the votes for Bush, Gore wins." Messenger explained that if all the votes were counted for each candidate, Bush or Gore won. "The vote in Florida reflects the ambivalence of the country, pre-tragedy," Messenger said. He said the consortium did not study how many votes Gore may have received if many, many, many, many, many, many blacks had not been prevented from voting, and if election laws governing absentee ballots had actually been enforced. "If the election had been run fairly, with polling places open to all, with a level playing field, with full, fair and complete application of the rules, then, well--" Messenger did not finish his sentence. He said, instead, it was necessary, for national security purposes, to leave the sentence hanging. | BUSH ORDERS U.S. WITHDRAWAL FROM ALL TREATIES Sioux, Cheyenne Seek Withdrawal From Ft. Laramie Treaties of 1858 and 1867 Ft. Laramie, Kansas - (GNS) - President George Bush II, His Royal Highness, Duke of Dubya, Prince of Petulance, Raj of Rhetoric, Earl of Elasticity, Lord of The Rings, and Admiral of the Ocean Sea proclaimed yesterday that the United States of America (sic) would withdraw from all treaties, beginning with the 1972 ABM Treaty with the Russians and begin building a missile defense shield "the like of which has never been seen." "This unilateral action is good for everybody," he declared. "We have studied upon this, we have observed the trials and tribulations, yea, we have walked through the valley of-- uh, there are evildoers, and we are prepared to be righteous and to strike them down as we are commanded by God," he added. "Just because this treaty has kept the nuclear peace, and a missile shield which has never worked could upset the balance of power is no reason not to, uh, withdraw from the treaty," Bush said. "This shield will be able to stop missiles and, here's one for all you critics, it will also detect box cutters and anthrax. How about that?" Bush said. Putin Vows Cooperation; Will Launch Missiles To Test Shield Russian Premier Putin Ontheritz, warned that withdrawal from the treaty "will upset the applecart, as we like to say in Mother Russia since we're so fucking quaint." But, he said, Russia would cooperate with America's plans "by firing our missiles at you. That, really, will be the best test of the shield." Sioux, Cheyenne Withdraw From 19th Century Treaties Meanwhile, the Sioux and Cheyenne announced they will withdraw from Treaties signed between their nations and the United States government over one hundred years ago. "We will leave the reservations and return to the land that was ours," said Chief Crazy Horse Again. "After all, the United States never fully lived up to the treaty terms to begin with." The Sioux and Cheyenne used to live on territory stretching from Canada to Oklahoma. "This is jus' gonna be a helluva mess," said Festus Grizzled, a truck farmer in Leavenworth, Kansas. "Why don' they jus' get rid of all them nukes and make sure everyone's got three squares a day?" CHENEY, LOTT SLAM DEMOCRATS FOR OPPOSING PRESIDENT "Just Because We Opposed Clinton Doesn't Mean They Get To Oppose Bush!" They Cry Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Vice President Dick "Richard" Cheney emerged briefly from hiding to lash out at Senator Tom Dashall and other Democrats for opposing the President's plans for education, energy, and economic stimulus. "The man doesn't realize there's a war on, and during war the President absolutely must get his way," Cheney said. Senate Minority Leader Trenchmouth Lott agreed. "Unfortunately, the Senate is becoming a black hole of inactivity," Lott said on CNN's Late Edition. When asked if Democrats were just disagreeing with the Bush the same way Republicans disagreed with, criticized and blocked Clinton's plans, Lott said "that's different. Clinton was a bad man who was just really, really bad and it was patriotic to disagree with him. Bush is a great American, a really, really great American, and you just don't show your patriotism by disagreeing with great Americans." Dashall and other Democrats have opposed several of Bush's domestic legislative initiatives on the grounds that "they are primarily designed to benefit the rich at the expense of the middle-class and poor under the cover of national defense." "Drilling in ANWR and saying prayers in schools is not going to fix anything," one Democrat, who spoke from a secret, undisclosed location, said. Cheney would not confirm or deny reports he issued suggesting Dashall might be a candidate for indictment for treason. "Fleischer warned these guys to be careful with what they say, and Ashcroft tried to tell them that speaking out against the administration had a price. What more do they need?" Cheney asked. "Maybe it's time to just throw Dashall in jail. I mean, since the Anthrax didn't work-- Uh, I have to go back to my cave now," he muttered. Noted scientist Stephen Hawking, when asked about Lott's comment regarding "a black hole of inactivity", sighed heavily. "I could write another book, but I don't know if it would do any good," he said. KANDAHAR FALLS! Tourism Expected To Increase Kandahar, Afghanistan - (GIN) - Prospects for tourism returning to Kandahar were brightened with the fall of the Taliban, according to Kandahar Chamber Of Commerce Executive Vice President Ahmed Muhammed-Muhammed. "We are very excited," he said. "Very." He acknowledged that it will take a few weeks to build or rebuild lodgings to their previous Tripe-C No-Star status, but pointed to several additional tourist attractions that did not exist only a few weeks ago. "Here is a very interesting bomb crater. Over here is where the surrender talks were held. And here, on the remaining wall of the Chamber of Commerce is one of the first white flags used in the surrender," he said. He said he was sure reservations would be pouring in "if the phone lines were working." He said the Chamber came up with an interim slogan to attract tourists immediately. "See it now, before it's rebuilt!" BUSH ORDERS PRESIDENTIAL PAPERS WITHHELD Cites National Security Interest As Excuse To Break 1978 Law Washington, DC - (GNS) - The release of sixty-eight thousand pages of Presidential papers was blocked by President Bush, who cited National Security as his reason to prevent the release. "The release of papers from the Reagan and Bush administrations could cause problems for the country, its national icon, and my dad," Bush said, "not necessarily in that order." The Presidential Records Act requires the release of these papers twelve years after their inception. Bush's November 1 order also includes Vice Presidential papers, which protects his father's papers when his father was Reagan's Vice President. In defense of his Executive Order, Bush said his dad was "out of the loop" during the Reagan administration, so there was no reason to make those papers public. Bush's order was drafted by White House lawyer Brett Kavanaugh, who wrote that communications, legal advice, legal work and "the deliberative process" are protected by the Constitution. Kavanaugh was previously part of Special Prosecutor Ken Starr's team. At that time, when Clinton was president, Kavanaugh argued Clinton's conversations and legal papers were not entitled to Constitutional protection. "You don't really expect us to be consistent when there are reputations to protect, do you?" Kavanaugh asked, in what was presumed to be a rhetorical question. Historians seeking the papers believe they will reveal even more about the Reagan and Bush decisions regarding the Soviet Union, the Gulf War, Bosnia, the economy, and the Iran-Contra arms-for-hostages scandal. "It's time to move into the future," said Presidential Spin Secretary Ari Margarine. "We'll discuss the past only when we think it's relevant. Right now, there's a war on." ISRAEL CALLS UPON U.S. TO WITHDRAW FROM OCCUPIED TERRITORIES Indian Authority Chief Magua Repeats Call For Separate Nations Jerusalem, Israel - (GIS) - Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon called upon the United States to withdraw from the territories of several nations within the current borders of the United States yesterday at the United Nations, which, he noted, is one of the few patches of land actually purchased, albeit shrewdly, from the indigenous population of the time. Sharon's call was strongly supported by Indian Authority Chief Magua at a simultaneous meeting of the Indian League in Plymouth, Massachusetts. Sharon noted that just because the United States was a flawed democracy with idealistic goals regarding human rights, and just because it was dominant militarily, at times receiving massive military aid from France and capital from England, did not give it the right to seize and continue to occupy native lands. "Washington D.C. is not a holy site to Americans, it has existed less than two hundred and fifty years. No Europeans lived in this land prior to the late 1400s, no Americans lived there until the late 1700s, so there can be no historical claim to the land," Sharon declared. Sharon called upon the United Nations to pass a resolution requiring the United States "and all nations who have taken land from prior owners, under the color of law or through force" to surrender those lands. He said that if there were competing interests for the land, and if no standard of original occupation could be agreed upon, then all interests should withdraw. "Contested land disputes that cannot be peacefully resolved under a universal and impartial standard should result in the designation of that land as an international park," he suggested. Magua endorsed Sharon's call, but said he would not give up the land his tribe claimed even if there were disputes. President Fox of Mexico said he agreed with part of Sharon's doctrine, but not all of it. "We would like the United States to return Texas, New Mexico, Arizona and California to us, but I'm not sure what purpose it would serve to return any lands to the Apache," Fox said. Prime Minister Blair declared England wanted no part of "this Sharon doctrine". "We are not about to get into the business of carving up existing countries and re-drawing lines on maps. We've never done that, and we never will," he declared. Yassir Arafat said he was inclined to agree and disagree with Sharon. "Whatever leads to me being in charge, that's what I agree with," he said. "That's not fair," was the reaction of many Americans polled after the speech, especially among those who support a reduction of Israel's borders. "This is my apartment, you know? I shouldn't have to give it to some Indian because of what Custer or Jefferson or somebody did before I was born, before my grandparents moved here," said a teacher from Southern California who supports the elimination of Israeli settlements and the establishment of another Arab state. "I hate to sound like one of those 'manifest destiny' types, but this is our land. It's too bad what happened to the Indians and all, but this is my home," said a union organizer from Illinois. Reaction from the White House was not swift. After reviewing the Sharon's statement for several hours, press secretary Airhead Margarine issued a brief statement. "We do not engage in irony or satire," he said. He added that the United States still insists on Israeli withdrawal from occupied territories, and reminded reporters that the president has "declared a war against terrorism that definitely may include Hezbollah, Hamas, and Egyptian Jihad, but doesn't yet and may not." "This is a delicate situation," he said. "People are fighting for ideals, for causes, for justice, for peace, for the preservation of a way of life. The last thing we should do is bring a discussion of history into this equation." Attorney General Ashcroft is investigating whether or not discussions of history violate the National Security Act of 2001. Justice Department investigations of satire and irony were already underway. WHITE HOUSE CLOSED TO VISITORS AS BUSH ENCOURAGES NORMALCY Actions Seen As Continuation Of Bush Mixed Message Doctrine Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - The Bush "Mixed Message Doctrine" was reaffirmed yesterday when President Bush reiterated his call for the American people to "be normal" while at the same time closing the White House and most of Washington D.C. to tourists. He left it to his advisors and spokesmen to once again explain the details of what many have said is a confusing doctrine. "It's important for people to behave normally, to do what they normally do," said Secretary of Mixed Messages Jon Lovitz. "It's also important to realize that people can't necessarily do what they normally do. You should travel like you always do, just be prepared to be delayed and searched and fearful. You can visit many places but not the White House," Lovitz said. "Really, everything's okay, it's just not safe," he said. Polls show that after Lovitz's explanation, many Americans were confused as to why visiting the White House was unsafe, with all the security there, while flying, with security precautions yet to be put into place, was safe. "Yes, that's right. Be normal," Lovitz said in response to those concerns. WAR NEARS END Fearful Nation Dreads Return To 24/7 Condit-Levy Coverage, Urges New War Princeton, NJ - (GNS) - National polling conducted earlier this week indicated the American public, happy this particular war is about to end, is afraid that life will again be dominated by incessant coverage of the Gary Condit-Chandra Levy Mystery And Scandal. "Americans are glad America's New War is almost over, but most express a strong desire that there be an America's Newer War to avoid what passed for normal programming and commanded water-cooler conversation prior to Sept. 11," Murphy Testing, president of Standard Tests Of New Jersey, said. "People realize now the emptiness and meaninglessness of their lives prior to September 11. It's not that they really want war, but they strongly prefer not to return to that time when hype and motion passed for purpose," Testing said. He said short of war, another scandal might do the trick, "but it would have to have import. Remember, Watergate got everyone's attention, but arms for hostages barely went beyond 3.0 on the Richter scale. And as titillating as another sex scandal might be, there's a large doubt as to whether or not that would do it," Testing said. "I think people are now oriented to foreign policy and real Constitutional issues. A scandal in that arena might substitute for another war," he said. Testing did not speculate on what recent events or actions might result in a large enough scandal to address the public's fears, but he said "the President and Congress are always a great place to start." |
| TEXT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S SPEECH AT U.N. New York, NY- (GNS) - "Don't expect me to pronounce everyone's names correctly. After all, there's a war on. Civilization is at stake. So my message is: be calm. We are all united against terrorism, except those of you who are aren't. My Dad drew a line in the sand, but it blew away. We're going to put a stop to that. Terror is terror. Ism is ism. You have not successfully defined it, but I will tell you this, I know it when I see it. I am here today to say the Coalition against terrorism is strong as long as I don't push it. I will tell you what I tell the American people. Current events certainly reveal the need for a strong missile defense system, even though we've been attacked with extremely low- and medium-tech weapons using low-tech delivery systems. We must all be very, very vigilant, but behave normally. We're not done with airport security, but it's safe to fly. We've issued terror alerts, but have a happy holiday season. Our rights and liberties are secure, it's what we're fighting for, but we may have to invade your privacy to win. If we give money to the rich, it'll help you. If we give money to you, it won't help you. These are words I think the whole world can live by, I mean, words in this order, not rearranged. I'll have them written down for you if you'd like. You know, this is a great country. And you could have a great country, too. Some of you are getting there. It's just, you know, we all have to work together. And when I say work together, I don't mean on the Kyoto Treaty, which 165 renegade nations signed today. I mean, get real. We have a saying in Texas. 'Remember the Alamo'. We have a saying in America: 'Remember the World Trade Center'. When I say you're either with us or against us in the war to eliminate terrorism and eliminate the evildoers, what I mean is that it depends on what are the meanings of with us, against us, and evildoers. Remember, civilization is at stake. Be calm. Let's roll." |
 Powell Enlists Rodney King For Diplomatic Trip To Fragile Coalition To Boost Message: "Can't We All Get Along?"  People Named Tom Targeted; "Perhaps the word means something in Talibanese," says Office of Homeland Security Secretary Harry Ridge, whose first name used to be Tom before he changed it yesterday. TALIBAN CRITICIZE U.S. KILLING OF AFGHAN CIVILIANS "That's Our Job!" They Insist Djadabadistan, Afghanistan - (GNS) - Taliban Clerics Inc. issued a statement earlier today condemning the U.S. bombing and killing of Afghan civilians. "Killing Afghanis is our job, our duty, our obligation, our obsession, our mission, our raison d'etre," the statement read in part. "You do not even do it correctly. It is not supposed to be an accident. It is supposed to be on purpose, praise the one who makes all things including the death of men who do not wear their hair and beards as he intended," the statement continued. "You let your women show their legs, we kill them if they do. Do not you come over here and kill our women. We do that," the statement said. "You are shameful. With you it is all sex, sex, sex. You should be killed. Killed, killed, killed," the statement continued. "If you do not leave us alone to kill Afghanis, we will kill you. Kill, kill, kill," the statement concluded. RUMSFELD DECLARES "WE MAY OR MAY NOT GET BIN LADEN!" Clarifies: "We probably will, but maybe we won't." Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Secretary of War Donald "Donnybrook" Rumsfeld told reporters "We may or may not get Bin Laden", but said chances of victory were high or almost high. "We will win, whether or not we capture him or break up Al Qaeda," he said. "This is not a quagmire," he said. "There's a light at the end of the tunnel," he added. "But it's not easy finding the tunnels." Rumsfeld stressed that this is not so much a war about victory as it is about winning, not so much a war about capturing or destroying the enemy as it is about victory. He denied reports that the Pentagon and State Department were at odds over the definition of "Evildoers" and that the Government Accounting Office was investigating the hidden costs associated in the work to define the term. "We will probably get Bin Laden, but even if we don't, look at all we've accomplished so far," Rumsfeld said. He said Ari Spinmeister would elaborate on that concept at a future briefing. CONGRESS, BUSH, COMPROMISE ON AIRPORT SECURITY Charity Organizations And Religious Youth Groups Will Hire, Supervise Guards Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Heeding the call of the American people to break the impasse and resolve the question of airport security, the Bush Administration announced today that a compromise had been successfully brokered. "Airport security, so important to the security of this nation, will be run not by the government, not by the private sector, but by the volunteer sector," Secretary of Airport Security & Reading Room Magazines Les Speed said. "Charity organizations and service clubs like Kiwanis, the Lions, and the Optimists Club will work with Religious Youth Groups across the country to hire and supervise these guards," Speed said. "This is the perfect marriage of the volunteer spirit, of Democrats and Republicans, Congress and the President, working together. This is can-do at it's best," Speed said. An alternative plan to hire Hare Krishnas and other organizations that historically have solicited at airports and stopped virtually every traveler was rejected when the Krishnas refused to refrain from singing. Another alternative, to hire public school librarians, was also rejected. "I think Americans can now feel safe," one Congressman, who wished to remain anonymous, said. "What choice do we have?" | ANNIVERSARY OF STOLEN ELECTION SLIPS BY WITHOUT FANFARE Quiet Celebrations At Camp David And At Harris For Congress HQ Mark Historic Event Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - President Bush, his wife and his father celebrated the anniversary of the stolen election quietly at Camp David yesterday. A few aides, including Karl Rove and Theodore Olson, were also present. Florida Functionary Katherine Harris also celebrated with a small group of operatives. "Katherine is proud of her role in history, but doesn't want to gloat," said Florida Governor Jeb Bush, in a proclamation he issued declaring November 7 a "day that will live in famy". Bush was reportedly giddy at realizing it was indeed a year ago that he "got away with it". "Now if I can only get Star Wars built, and start drilling in ANWR, life will be wonderful," he told his relatives and friends. "Oh yeah, win the war, too," he added. Most of the mainstream press stayed away from the subject entirely. "We don't want to raise this issue in time of war," said Ari Fleischer, on behalf of the mainstream media. The newspapers that researched the extraordinary theft by conducting meticulous recounts chose to either not publish final reports or to bury the information in the Classifieds. The New York Times published a one-column-inch piece in its Classified that read in part: "Wanted, Democracy", and gave an unlisted phone number to call for information. Textbooks racing to include America's New War in their next editions chose to highlight the Bush Sr. presidency and to portray Bush Jr.'s victory as a logical continuation. "Stolen or not, he is the president's son," said one textbook editor, "and that's what counts." Senate Democracts, who chose to be timid about the whole affair, insisted that, in light of current events, they made the right decision. "If we had challenged him then, we'd have used up all our currency and wouldn't be able to challenge him now over critical issues like airport security and, uh, airport security," said Senator Wellstone, often erroneously thought to be one of the leading voices of hardline liberal Democrats. Al Gore, who many observers insist would have won the election if he'd fought for it, reportedly spent the anniversary of the election growing his beard. GUY FAWKES CHARGED WITH ANTHRAX PLOT English Terrorist Held By Brits In Tower Of London; Bush Asks For Extradition Ye Olde London, England - (GIS) - Guy Fawkes, mastermind of the Gunpowder Plot of 1605, was arrested yesterday and charged with masterminding the anthrax attack underway in the United States. "We have credible evidence, as incredible as it may seem, that Guy Fawkes is behind this terror," said British Prime Minister Anthony "Tony" Blair on a special broadcast on the BBC, hosted by Anthony Hopkins. President George "George" Bush asked Blair to extradite Fawkes to the U.S. for trial. This request would override the policy established by Clinton Secretary of State Madeline Albright, who did not want former Chilean dictator and mass murderer Augusto Pinochet extradited to stand trial for his crimes. Albright was on a speaking tour and could not be reached for intelligent, coherent, reasonable, morally consistent, unfinanced comment. "We're gonna hang 'im," Bush told reporters, before General Dreedle reminded him that Bush could not just hang him without either a mockery, a travesty, or a sham of a trial first. Fawkes first came to prominence years ago when he tried and failed to blow up the English Parliament and kill King James. He was oft-quoted prior to his attack on the British government as saying, about King James, "You ain't no king a' mine." He was one of the first anti-government militants to use gunpowder. One of his gripes about the King apparently had to do with the King's Bible. Upon its issue, Fawkes reportedly said, "You call that a Bible? You call that a Bible? You can't handle the truth!" His book, "Fawke You!", has always never been on the bestseller list, but a musical about his romance with four young single women in New York, his therapy sessions with an Italian-American psychiatrist, and his failure to influence White House policy during the Bartlett Administration, ran off-Broadway for years under the name "Guy & Dolls". B'52S POUND NORTH AFGHANISTAN Talking Heads Explain Why Rocknrollistadaban, Afghanistan - (GNS) - The B-52s relentlessly pelted the Taliban and their supporters with "Love Shack" and "I Think I'm Turning Japanese" and other hits from their catalog in the latest U.S.-led coalition attacks in Afghanistan. David Byrne and the Talking Heads told America "This is not your beautiful house, this is not your beautiful wife," and "I don't know what I look like". British Prime Minister Tony Blair said he had called upon The Clash to join the attack. "We're going to rock their casbah, let me tell you," he said. Undersecretary of War & Music Ted Nugent said the U.S. had only begun to use it's arsenal. "Just wait'll we hit them with Anthrax," he said. "Nothing stands up to American heavy metal." | FBI FOCUSES ON ANTHRAX ATTACK AS ACT OF LONE NUT Lee Harvey Oswald Detained For Questioning Trenton, NY - (GNS) - The FBI said yesterday their analysis of the anthrax attack has all the signatures of the work of "a lone nut taking advantage of the current wave of fear" and is not related to the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. Lee Harvey Oswald, a professional lone nut exonerated in 1996 for the Kennedy assassination, was brought in for questioning and is being held without bail in an undisclosed location near Trenton. "Our scientific analysis of the letters now leads us to believe a lone nut did this," said FBI spokesman J. Edgar Hotsy. "Oswald tops the list of lone nuts in our file," Hotsy said. Oswald has been plagued for decades with the label, every since a doctored photo showed him standing by himself with a rifle in his backyard, obviously planning to kill President Kennedy. "We have all the other lone nuts in custody," Hotsy said, "Arthur Bremer, Sirhan Sirhan, Rip Torn, Squeaky Fromme, Ted Klesewski, Dennis Kucinich, John Brown, Timothy McVeigh, Mike Nichols and Elaine May, that Chapman kid, the guy who shot Reagan, and the creep who shot Tom Hanks when he was trying to save Private Ryan." Hotsy said there is no specific evidence against Oswald yet, but there is video from surveillance cameras showing him entering and exiting and Post Office. Oswald is not yet represented by counsel, but reportedly placed phone calls to Alan Dershowitz and Johnnie Cochran. Hotsy said he will be moved from the current undisclosed location sometime this week at noon. "We'll let you know, so you can televise it live," Hotsy said. He added that security for the move would be provided by the Dallas Sheriff's Department. LONDON BRIDGE BOMBED!! Lake Havisu Residents Taken By Surprise Lake Havisu, AZ - (GNS) - London Bridge, famous in song and... song, was bombed yesterday. Authorities are not sure if this was part of the credible and alarming threats and actions of Al Qaeda. "Why would they bomb London Bridge?" asked one incredulous resident of Lake Havisu, Arizona, where the brige was moved years ago. This question echoed throughout the high desert valleys, riverbeds, and canyons. "Why... why... why... why... Would... would... would... would... They... they... they... they... Bomb... bomb... bomb... bomb... London... London... London... London... Bridge... Bridge... Bridge... Bridge?..." it echoed. Three alternative theories about the bombing surfaced after nothing echoed back. "It might've had to do with the World Series, or maybe it was an attack on John McCain, or maybe it was a diversion," said Sheriff Ace Douglas of Big Carnival County. Residents vowed the historic bridge, which stretches from one end to the other, would be rebuilt. BU$H PUSHES WEALTHY RELIEF ACT Demonstrators Picket Senate, Demand "Save The Republicans!" Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Declaring now is not the time to flinch from our responsibilities for enabling the rich to become richer, Pre$ident Bu$h once again pushed the Senate to adopt further relief for the wealthy of America. "I care about middle class and poor people. Some of my best friends are middle class and poor people. That's why I want the rich to get richer. You see, it's all a matter of patriotism. You're either with me or against me," Bu$h said. As he spoke to a conference of Wealthy But Not Wealthy Enough Americans, dozens of protestors converged on the Senate demanding that they "Save The Republicans!" "Sure, we control the House and the Executive Branch and the Judiciary, but we're still just inches away from being an endangered species," said Save The Republicans leader George Antoinette. "I mean, poor people don't like us," he said. A slim majority of the Senate has opposed Bu$h's call for increased tax cuts for the wealthy and instead insisted that the focus be on increased Government spending and on relief for the middle class and poor. "We've got a recession verging on a depression, and a war. The answer is to follow the Roosevelt formula and spend our way out of this," said several Democratic leaders. "Middle class? Poor? We do not have a class society," Republican Minority Leader Trent Whole-Lott responded. "It's time for us to pull together and help the rich. Anything less would be treason," he said. |
 US Navy Helicopter lifts White House for transport to a secret, safe location  Giuliani Points To Place "Where The Sun Don't Shine", Says That's Where Saudi Prince Alwaleed Can "Stick His Check"  Post-911 Fashions Take Drastic Turn  Afghan Rubble Reduced To Gravel, Will Be Used For Concrete In New WTC  Congressional Leaders Join With State Department To Form Plumbers Unit, Plug Leaks. "We will leave no psychiatrist's office or political party headquarters unturned," vow co-chairs Sen. Biden and Sen. Helms.  Networks Agree To Edit Bin Laden Tapes To Prevent Possible Coded Messages. "When he says he wants to kill all Americans and Jews, we want to eliminate the real, coded message he's sending his followers," says Fox News Chief and Former Republican Party Spinmeister Roger Ills.  Bush Stands With German Munchenfuehrer Verboten, Announces Plans To Keep Congress In The Dark. "I want the fact that we're bombing the Taliban and massing troops on the Afghan border kept secret," the President says, as he makes a coded hand gesture.  Khalil al-Deek, left, a Palestinian-American, and Abu Zubeidah of Al Qaeda are said to be among bin Laden associates in the honey trade. "The rumors they also trade in American flags, and that the Red Cross is a bin Laden charity front are absolutely false, and we're looking into it," said Attorney General John Ashcroft.  Cheney Dead? "No, he's outside, looking in," says Press Secretary Ari Margarine, adding "The statement speaks for itself." CNN SUBMITS SIX QUESTIONS TO BIN LADEN "We're In The Business Of Getting Answers" Bland Anchorman Aaron Brown Declares Atlanta, GA - (GNS) - CNN announced it has submitted six questions to Terror-mogul Osama Bin Laden. "The questions are tough but fair," said newly annointed anchorpointman Aaron Brown, known for his mild temper, evenhandedness and relentless personalizing of the news. Reporters, Journalists, Anchors, and Commentators at CNN contributed to the questions ultimately chosen by a panel that included Christianne Amanpour, Alec Baldwin, David Letterman, Rush Limbaugh, Amy Tan, Antonin Scalia, Wink Martindale, Oprah Winfrey, and Kid Rock. Among the hundreds of questions submitted were: Why do you hate Americans? How do you go to the bathroom in the cave? Have you ever been to Disneyworld? Why didn't you fly your own chickenshit ass into a building? What's your problem? Why do you hate Jews? When you say you hate Americans, does that include Garth Brooks? Do you think music belongs to the ethnicity of those who created it or do you think there is an evolutionary dialogue between musicians over decades that removes it from ethnic proprietorship? When you say you hate Jews, does that include Woody Allen, Sandy Koufax, and Bette Midler? What, are you nuts? Don't you know that so much hatred is bad for the intestinal track? Have you ever read any books by Betty Friedan? What's your favorite color? Who were your influences? What's your favorite movie? How did you and each of the Mrs. Bin Ladens meet? Would you stop this if you were given a talk show? Do you know anything about Pearl Harbor and Hiroshima? Do you really believe that shit in the Koran about Holy Wars? CNN did not release the six questions posed to Bin Laden, but Brown said the question about his favorite color did not make the cut. Bin Laden was instructed to answer the questions with a Number 2 pencil. His answers must be postmarked by Oct. 25 in order to qualify for the drawing. | Fictional Times Exclusive INTERVIEW WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN Fictional Times: Why do you hate Americans? Bin Laden: Because they soiled the sacred lands in Saudi Arabia. FT: Didn't they inadvertantly do that to stop the Iraqis from invading your homeland? OBL: That's besides the point. FT: Wasn't it the Saudi Royal family and government that invited the Americans in? OBL: Yes, but there you go again with Western details. FT: So why don't you hate the Saudis? OBL: I do hate the Saudi government. FT: Because they invited in the Americans to save your country from an invading dictator you hate? OBL: Because they threw me out for hating Americans. FT: So why didn't you attack large buildings and thousands of people in Saudi Arabia? OBL: My Dad built those buildings. It is how he made our family fortune. Allah would not approve. FT: Didn't Abraham break his father's idols? The idols his father built? OBL: It is not the same thing. FT: So if your Dad had built the Pentagon? OBL: I don't know. My Dad threw me out. FT: Didn't the Sudanese throw you out? OBL: Yes. FT: So what did you do to them? OBL: Nothing. That is a good point. I will add them to my list. FT: You've been quoted as saying Saddam Hussein has betrayed Islam. Why didn't you attack Baghdad? OBL: Another good point. FT: And the Iranians consider the Taliban mortal enemies. Why didn't you attack Tehran? OBL: Yet another good point. FT: And the Americans helped you fight the Russians. Isn't it possible you've mis-channeled your hatred? Shouldn't you be fighting against the Iraqis and Iranians and the Saudi Royal family? OBL: But Americans are infidels. And they help the Jews. FT: Why do you hate the Jews? OBL: It's my job. My birthright. My obligation. My destiny. It's required; Militant Arab 101. FT: So if you hate the Jews so much, why did you set up in Afghanistan to use American money to fight Russians? Why didn't you set up in Palestine or Syria to fight Israelis? OBL: Another good point. But I tire of this Western Logic. I am a religious man. FT: All these good points. You're really pretty inconsistent and self-serving, aren't you? OBL: I prefer to think of myself as profound and complex. FT: Now that you've embraced the Palestianian cause, how much of your fortune have you given to them? OBL: Well, none. FT: That's profound, and yet, complex. Did you ever read about the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor? OBL: Of course. FT: And what lesson did you draw from that? OBL: Lesson? I don't understand. FT: Japan had its own eastern culture. They attacked us by surprise. We rallied, had a war, bombed the shit out of them, introduced jazz, automobiles, bluejeans, rock n roll, and freedom to their country; now they're a western nation. Get the picture? OBL: Yes, you are an evil empire. FT: But if evil means rock n roll, CD players, sex without the "benefit" of marriage, equal rights for women, bluejeans, and all that comes with it, then don't you think most people will ultimately prefer evil? And don't you think they've defined it as good, and you as evil for trying to prevent them from enjoying life? Boy, talk about complex. And profound. OBL: So what am I to do? FT: Well, it may be too late for you. Frankly, I think your only course of action is to declare war on Saddam Hussein and use what resources you have left to oust him. That may buy you out of your current predicament. OBL: But the Pakistanis like me. FT: We bought Pakistan. OBL: The Palestianians like me. They dance in the streets. FT: They don't even have a state. And, truth be known, they're not very good dancers. That up and down with the arms holding rifles, that went out years ago. OBL: The poor people like me. To them I am a hero. FT: Those people are hungry, and they were raised on resentment and hatred. Can you feed them? OBL: No. FT: Think about it. Can we feed them? OBL: Yes. FT: So how long do you think you're going to be a hero? OBL: But the Prophet Mohammed-- FT: Oh please. OBL: This is a Holy War. FT: Osama, you're starting to sound like what we call a bad B-movie. OBL: I will not be insulted. This interview is over. FT: Just one last question, please. OBL: Yes? FT: Do you want a blindfold? FED-EX AND UPS VIE FOR TERRORIST ANTHRAX CONTRACT "If They'd Used Us, The Whole Country Would Be Poisoned By Now" Aryan Nations Compound, OK - (GNS) - Fed-Ex and UPS corporate brass condemned the terrorist's use of the US Postal System to deliver anthrax and insisted their delivery services are more efficient. In an unusual joint appearance before several terrorist leaders meeting at the Aryan Nations Compound in Oklahoma, top officials of both services contended that if their company had been used, the whole nation would be infected by now. "I can't believe you guys used USPS," one vice president said to the audience of thousands at the compound and around the world, via internet and satellite connections. At the end of the conference, Fed-Ex and UPS were told to submit bids. HOUSE SHUTS DOWN, SENATE CONTINUES "We Can Take It," Says Daschle Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D.-SD) vowed the Senate would continue its work, despite the threat posed by Anthrax, even as the House of Representatives, lead by wimpy Republicans, shuttered their side of the Capitol and ran home. "This is not a contest between who is the better leader, who is the stronger branch of government, who has the guts to do the people's business, and who's chickenshit," said Daschle. "But clearly, we can take it." House leader Dennis Hastohurt said Daschle fooled him. "We agreed we would both leave at the same time, then he turned around and stayed. It's a cheap trick to make the Republican leadership look bad at the very time when everyone knows we're more patriotic than they are," Hastohurt said. |  Rumsfeld Confirms Barry Sadler Brigade Now Operating Within Afghanistan BUSH BOMBS TRENTON, N.J. POST OFFICE "You're Either With Us Or Against Us," He Tells The People Of New Jersey Outskirts, Trenton, NJ - (GNS) - U.S. warplanes attacked Trenton, New Jersey earlier today, launching a pinpoint bombing raid on the Trenton post office where Anthrax was mailed. "This is a message to the terrorists who use the post office," Secretary of War Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld declared. "You are either with us or you are against us," President Bush said in response to questions about the attack. No one was injured in the attack, probably, said Pentagon spokesman General Meyers Meyers. "This was pinpoint bombing at it's finest," he said. "We have a video." The post office, hit at night, appears in the video as a dark green shape blurred by an overall dark green sky. Flickers of light resembling bad static punctuate the video. The Mayor of Trenton said this was the biggest thing to happen since Washington's invasion during the Revolutionary War. "We support the President a hundred percent," said Mayor Tory Hessian. "We're perfectly willing to give our post office in the name and cause of freedom." New Jersey Governor Frank Sinatra said New Jersey also supports the president. "I don't know about the other fifty states," Sinatra said, "I mean, you never hear much about Nebraska, but New Jersey, home of Bruce Springsteen, is behind the President." CBS NEWS TEAM REPLACES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES Bush Uses Was Powers To Name Dan Rather New Speaker Of The House Washington, DC - (GNS) - Citing the bravery of Dan Rather and the CBS News Team and the cowardice of the House of Representatives and Dennis Hastohurt in the face of Anthrax attacks, President Bush excercised little-known and doubtful powers earlier today declaring that Dan Rather was now Speaker of the House, and the people who work for CBS News would constitute the U.S. House of Representatives. Rather said he was honored. "I think I speak for everyone at CBS News when I say we will do our best to do our duty." Representative Hastohurt was pretty pissed off. "Hey, you can't do that!" he shouted as he was ushered to a detainment camp set up for cowards outside of Abilene, TX. "If we had won the House, this would not have happened," said Representative Richard "The Gep" Gephart. Polls indicate Bush's declaration was overwhelmingly popular despite mixed ratings for Rather. "Now now," Bush said in a brief, two word speech meant to calm fears. "What he meant was Dan will do just fine," said Sen. Tom Daschle (D.-SD). "The statement, 'Now now', speaks for itself," said press secretary Ari Fleischkopf. THREE ANTHRAX CASES LINKED All Three Exposures Involved Anthrax, Says Ridge Atlanta, GA - (GNS) - Crack teams of scientists working around the nation, coordinated by the Center for Communicable Disease Control in Atlanta, have determined all three Anthrax cases are linked by the use of Anthrax. "Anthrax was used in all three cases," said Homeland Security Czar Harry (formerly Tom) Ridge. "There's no doubt about it," he clarified. "The use of Anthrax in all three Anthrax attacks clearly shows a criminal, terrorist network at work," FBI Director Adolph Mueller said. "If one of the three Anthrax cases had actually been Salmonella, we would be less sure." "Look, you've got Anthrax in Florida, Anthrax in D.C., and Anthrax in New York. It's as plain as day," said CIA Director Huh Whatshisname. "Anthrax, Anthrax, Anthrax. Same thing in each place. That's what we call in the spy biz a link." Investigators said now that they know Anthrax was used in all three cases, they will be able to proceed on the basis of it being Anthrax that was used in all three cases. |
| AMTRAK FOUND IN SEVERAL STATES Alternate Transportation Service, Once Thought Erradicated, Poses Threat To Nation's Desperate Air Carriers Chattanooga, TN - (GNS) - Amtrak has been discovered in several states across the U.S., according to scientists with the Center For Alternate Transportation Control in Atlanta, Georgia. The FBI confirmed the information and announced an investigation is underway. "We thought air carriers and trucks were the only transportation systems available," said Dr. John Henry of the CATC. "Years of corruption, manipulation and dysfunction went into bolstering air travel and highway travel and erradicating rail, and now, in the midst of a national emergency, we discover Amtrak still exists," Henry said. Henry said "all-out" efforts will be stepped up to eliminate the "threat posed by safe, convenient, reliable, scenic travel and freight service." "If you have Amtrak in your town, call 911 or the Center For Alternate Transportation Control immediately," Henry said. SAUDIS PLAY BOTH SIDES AGAINST THE MIDDLE No One Is Shocked Casablanca, North Africa - (GIN) - Saudi Arabia has not really joined the Bush Coalition against Al Queda terror, according to Special Agent Claude Rains, on detached service from the French Resistance. "They are ignoring those businessmen among them who give millions to bin Laden's network, and they have been no help tracing the true identity of the as yet unknown suicide fliers," Rains said. Rains said he was not shocked by this duplicity. "When you have seen the things that I have seen, true love, betrayal, gambling, a hill of beans, nothing shocks you," he said. SYRIA ADDED TO UN SECURITY COUNCIL War Against Terrorism Is Apparently Over New York, NY - (GNS) - Syria, an apparently misunderstood nation once accurately accused of harboring terrorists and sponsoring terrorism was admitted to the UN Security Council by a vote of 4,678 to 3, with Southern Florida abstaining. Syrian ambassador Blow Ali Them-Upnow explained the lopsided vote, saying they had studied the work of Katherine Harris. "Diabolical terrorism has certainly made us more secure, and we are willing to share how-to tips with the Security Council, for a price," Them-Upnow said. The United States, Israel, and Canada voted against seating Syria. Southern Florida, split between pro-Israeli Jews and pro-Palestinian right-wing Cubans, abstained. | TABLOID PUBLICATIONS HQ ATTACKED BY ANTHRAX Alien Abductors of JFK, Elvis Suspected Rat's Mouth, FL - (GNS) - Two people at Media Publications, publishers of several tabloid newsmagazines, were struck by anthrax in what the FBI says may be a plot related to something. "We're looking into every possibility... Well, not every possibility," said Special Agent Vaccuum Hoover. Publishers, editors and reporters suspect it was the work of aliens. "I saw four green-skinned hairless big-eared beings step out of a spacecraft just after dawn," said Eliot Prevaricator, a former typesetter who works on the janitorial staff. "They walked right into the building." "I saw 'em too," said Emily Falsebottom, a secretary for editor Ethan Bigcheese, "and they looked exactly like the ones who kidnapped JFK and Elvis." "We've been the target of aliens for several centuries now, ever since we started printing the truth about them," publisher Ari Spinmeister said. "But this anthrax attack won't scare us off," he added. "This may be a long struggle, but we'll get JFK and Elvis back, and we'll win." GROUND FORCES FACE "KABUL TUNNEL SYNDROME" Orgonomics Included In Training; Carrots Added To Diet Somewhere In Uzbekistan, Near The Border - (GIN) - U.S. Army General Rance Mohamitz confirmed earlier today that among the challenges faced by ground forces invading Afghanistan was the oft-feared Kabul Tunnel Syndrome. "Kabul Tunnel Syndrome, or KTS, as we call it, poses a difficult obstacle to a swift, effective ground invasion," Mohamitz said. "Soldiers can get lost and disoriented in miles and miles of underground, unmarked tunnels." The Syndrome, he said, stays with the soldier. "The soldier could stay lost, or he might get out, but even if he gets out he's psychologically damaged. He may continue to be disoriented, filled with fear and anxiety, suffering intermitent or constant disorientation," Mohamitz said. He said it's particularly dreadful in the area around Afghanistan's capital city. "Kabul sits atop a maze of tunnels, some of them, we suspect, leading as far as China and Saudi Arabia," the general said. To minimize the negative physical and psychological effects of KTS, the army trained ground forces in orgonomics, and added carrots to the diet. "Our men and women now know how to sit correctly, how to maintain good posture, how to fire a heavy weapon without inflicting painful, lifelong injury on themselves, and how to type correctly," Mohamitz said. He said ground forces preparing for the invasion were issued special equipment, including orgonomic chairs and keyboards. "We're gonna win this. They may have built those tunnels, but when it comes to Kabul Tunnel Syndrome, we're the best trained army in the world," Mohamitz said. | HOUSE PASSES "PATRIOT ACT" Scoundrels, 339; Patriots, 79 Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - With declarations of Dependence ringing through their speeches, an overwhelming majority of Congressmen and Congresswomen passed what is called "anti-terror" legislation in a bill known as The Patriot Act. A minority voted against it, arguing many of the "solutions" were not only Draconian, they didn't fit the problem. "Failure to catch the terrorists was due to a lack of coordination and imagination, not loopholes or deficiencies in laws," said one Congressman who asked to remain anonymous. He outlined the failure of various federal and state police agencies to move on clues and hold actual terrorists, and he mentioned the information discovered in the Phillippines five years ago, outlining the plan for this attack. "Meanwhile, this bill does not go after money laundering," he said, "so, it's not really serious." He subsequently admitted he did not exist but what just a representation of what could have been argued if a real discussion of the bill had occurred. Instead, many voting against it argued that no one had been given enough time to read and discuss last minute changes negotiated by House Republicans and White House staff. Representative Don Young actually answered this complaint as if Constitutional issues were not being discussed, saying "It's not the first time that's happened." TALIBAN TO REQUIRE ALL MEN TO WEAR THEIR UNDERWEAR OUTSIDE THEIR PANTS Cite Woody Allen As New Prophet In A Misguided Attempt To Lure Disaffected Jews Cave #17, Afghanistan - (GIN) - Taliban Mullah Omar Omar Bin Omar-Allen, accompanied by Mullah Omar Bin Goodtaknowya, ordered all Taliban men to heed the words of the new Taliban prophet, Woody Allen, and wear their underwear outside their pants. "Woody Allen is our new prophet. He is not a silly man, he is a visionary genius," said Bin Omar-Allen, who also calls himself Max. "Wearing underwear outside out pants may seem foolish to you, but really, is there anything we do that doesn't seem foolish? I mean, look at the way we treat women," he said. Max said a movie theater was set up in Cave #12 to view all of "the new prophet's works. We are convinced there are many more hidden messages, especially in Love And Death. We have to read more Russian literature to understand that one. But we are pretty sure Zelig tells us that we must improve our videotapes of Osama. Black and white film is so much more expressive." Max said they were compelled to take these unusual steps because of "the failure of our previously bizarre and punitive ideas to catch on beyond what is really a small group of disaffected, gullible, testosterone-filled youths." |
 BUSH RE-INSTATES U.N.C.L.E.United Network Command For Law & Enforcement Was Decomissioned In 1969 Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Declaring it was the logical next step in the war against terrorism, evil, and evil-doers, President Bush today authorized the re-instatement of U.N.C.L.E., once the bulwark of the world's efforts to fight terrorism and world domination by the bad guys. "UNCLE worked. Why it was allowed to diminish, I don't know," said the president. "But from this day forward, it's back in business." Napoleon Solo, once the Network's most compelling agent, will lead the organization. Ilya Kuryakin, who studied under Vladimir Putin and bears a strong resemblance to the Russian leader, will serve as Solo's second-in-command.  "Bin Laden's got his network, we've got ours," said Vice President Dick "Richard" Cheney. "And we've got better theme music." The exploits of UNCLE were fictionalized and telecast each week for the entertainment of millions of Americans. "But there never really was a Channel D," said Leon Waverly, Jr., Officer of Disinformation for the Network. "I'd just like to remind everyone, we were recruiting women agents long before they were serving in the army or the Senate," Solo said. He said he hoped Stephanie Powers could be coaxed out of retirement to assist the Network. "If she doesn't return, I don't know who'll wear the short skirts and go-go boots," he said. Powers, currently residing with former cat burglar Robert Wagner, declined to comment. Bush said although most of UNCLE's activities would be kept top secret, Kuryakin had already been dispatched to Uzbekistan. "It's already cold enough there to wear turtleneck sweaters," the president explained. | PALESTINIANS WARNED NOT TO DANCE No Freedom Of Speech Against U.S. Palestinian-Occupied Territory - (GIN) - Leaders of the Palestinian Authority warned Palestinians not to dance or participate in any demonstrations that could be interpreted as anti-American. "Remember, this is not a democracy, and we don't want it to be a democracy. There is no free speech. Don't say anything bad about the Americans so we can continue to drive a wedge between them and Israel," said Palestinian Authority Leader Yasir Arafat.  Unrelated Events Coincide Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - In what many are declaring are two entirely unrelated events, Sen. Strom Thurmond (D.-SC) collapsed on the floor of the Senate yesterday, and the Dow and Nasdaq indexes jumped significantly. "He went down, they went up," said one analyst, "but I don't think it's related." "One's got nothing to do with the other, probably," said another analyst. Political observers were equally dismissive of the seeming coincidence. "Thurmond got back up after he got to the hospital, and the stocks didn't fall, uh, yet," said one political aide. Cabinet officers throughout the Administration agreed the two events were not connected. "We're looking into it," said ABC Nightline TalkingPerson Ted Koeppel. "When you have such unanimity of opinion, it deserves a second look." "Rumors of an investigation are simply that, just rumors," said Sen. Joseph Biden (D-MD), who chairs the Senated Judiciary Committee. "Thurmond's collapse had nothing to do with the stock market, but we're looking into the cause of his collapse and its relation to the biochemical attacks launched by the terrorists," said Fox Newstwit Charles Nelson O'Reilly. Presidential spokes-spinner Ari Extradry said Thurmond did not collapse, he merely "suffered a gravitational slip in his vertical agenda." Thurmond, an ardent racist, is revered by at least half-plus-one of the voting population in his state. He is 98, and his favorite color is gray. | ENEMIES AWARDS CEREMONY CANCELED Bin-Laden Fails To Sweep Hollywood, FL - (GNS) - Producers of the 57th Annual Enemies Awards Ceremony canceled the show after the Allied bombing and food-drops over Afghanistan began in earnest. "It was shaping up to be a rough show anyway," said producer Lorne Greene, "what with enemies suddenly becoming friends. I mean, half the world leaders nominated five weeks ago were disqualified last week because they were no longer enemies." Greene mentioned the leaders of Pakistan as one example. "And there were seating problems. Bin Laden's people wanted to sit in front, but so did Egyptian Jihad, Hamas, and Hezbollah. Then we got word from the White House that Hamas and Hezbollah might not be enemies either," Greene said. Bin Laden and Al Queda were nominated for seven awards including best costumes, Yasser Arafat and Henry Kissinger were nominated for a lifetime achievement awards, the United States was nominated for three awards based on the Bush Administration's rejection of the Kyoto Accords, The ABM Treaty, and the Landmines Treaty; John Ashcroft was nominated for Best Performance At A Senate Nomination Hearing, and East Timor was nominated in the recently created Best Victims category. Indonesia had already declared it was boycotting the show because they were not nominated. Bill Maher, who was to host the show, was said to be devastated about the cancelation. "They're cowards," he said. GRAND JURY INVESTIGATES MOB THEFT OF WTC RUBBLE Tony Soprano Targeted For Indictment New York, NY - (GNS) - New York Attorney General John Dewey confirmed yesterday he had empaneled a Grand Jury to investigate rumors organized crimes stole WTC rubble to sell as scrap metal. "Evidence indicates a New Jersey crime family headed by a man named Anthony 'Tony The Man With Guile' Soprano put together the heist," Dewey said. He said his office was tipped off by an attractive, sensual, confliced psychiatrist who refused to give her name. "We've had this family under surveillance for awhile," Dewey said. "They've been disguising their activities by pretending they were doing a television show," he added. Actor James Gandolfini, often mistaken for being mob leader Tony Soprano, said he was cooperating fully with law enforcement officers. "Grabbing rubble from the Towers to sell for scrap, it's horrible, although it would be pretty funny if it was on a TV show about gangsters who, you know, didn't have any juice downtown and didn't get any skim from any casino action." Dewey confirmed he is also investigating rumors that the Al-Qaeda network is in the market for scrap metal to use for bullets, but denied that he is working with organized crime to sting the terrorists. "We don't work with unsavory characters. We leave that to the Feds," he said. |
| RUMSFELD SEEKS INTELLIGENCE Journeys To Mideast For Enlightenment New Dehli, India - (GIN) - In what may be one of the most surprising twists and turns in recent weeks, U.S. Secretary of War Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld journeyed to the Mideast yesterday to "seek intelligence". "One of the most important assets we can gain at this point is intelligence," Rumsfeld said. He said he would be talking with religious leaders "who know alot and have some wisdom." The Mideast, India and south Asia as far east as Tibet have long been reputed to be the dwelling place of wise people who have wisdom and insight and who can teach enlightenment. "The more I can be enlightened, the better it will serve our military and political aims," Rumsfeld said. In the 1960s, the Beatles and Mia Farrow were among those who traveled to India to seek enlightenment. Although he said he might join in some chants and "look into this Ommm thing," Rumsfeld is not expected to return wanting a recording career or acting roles. "I've got a square-cut jaw and can perform circles around Fred Thompson, but my job right now is to win the war against evil and the evil-doers who perpetuate it," Rumsfeld said. "My job on this trip is to get the skinny on the street," Rumsfeld said. Some cultural critics and historians have observed that the area's reputation as a center of higher intelligence was greatly exaggerated. "Gimme a break," declared a letter to the New York Times signed by Garry Wills, Joan Didion, Domminick Dunne, Ramsey Lewis, Robert Zemeckis, Norman Podhoretz, Christopher Guest, and John Grisham. "Rumsfeld and intelligence, isn't that an oxymoron?" wondered Bill Maher before he was arrested. Baba Ram Dass could not be reached for comment. TALIBAN ADD "HIDE & SEEK" AS SIXTH PRINCIPLE OF ISLAM Mullahs Say Scrolls Found In Caves Include This Ohmanareyoukiddingstanabad, Afghanistan - (GIS) - Taliban Mullahs announced they found an old scroll with a sixth Islamic principle that permits the playing of hide and seek with enemies and potential enemies. The principle also says deceit is acceptable if it is done for a purpose other than to disclose the truth, the Mullahs declared, insisting they were quoting the scroll. "We told you we didn't know where Bin Laden was and that was a lie," said Mullah Omar Ahmed Wazahari, known to his followers as Mullah O. "But it is okay, the scriptures allow it." Mullah O also said they were hiding Bin Laden from the world. "This too is acceptable. In addition to going to Mecca, according to this scroll, each person must play hide and seek," Mullah O said. Scholars question the existence of the scroll and the so-called Sixth Principle. "You know, that's just bullshit," said Professor Frank Mouth, Dean of Religious Studies at Rural Florida University. When told many scholars were more than skeptical about the reality of a scroll, Mullah O said, "Well, maybe we made that up. But I'm sure it's okay for us to hide Bin Laden and tell you we haven't seen him. I'm sure it's in the Koran. Everything is. And if it's not in the Koran then it's in one of your slapstick movies." |  NATION DEBATES LAUGHTER, PATRIOTISM & DISSENTCongress Creates House Committee On Inappropriate Behavior; Bill Maher, Ari Fleischer Called To Testify Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - When is it okay to laugh? When is it too soon to laugh after a tragedy? When is laughter unpatriotic? What isn't appropriate behavior? These are among the questions debated in newspapers, on TV talk shows since the now infamous Bill Maher-Ari Fleischer Incident last week. These are among the questions the newly created House Inappropriate Behavior Committee (HIBC) will consider when it opens hearings next week. Congressman Bob Barr (R.-GA) will chair the committee. "According to reports I've seen, Maher said we were cowards and they weren't," Barr said. "Now even if this isn't true, it's certainly cause for investigation. What kind of a name is 'Maher' anyway?" Maher, a libertarian of uncertain politics and unknown origins, defended former President Clinton and strongly criticized Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr during the recent Lewinsky-Constitutional Crisis scandal. Maher's critics said it would be ironic if Maher now became the subject of a special prosecutor investigation, although, as one critic pointed out, "Conan O'Brien has said irony is now dead, so in fact it wouldn't be ironic." Barr pointed out there are limits to freedom of speech. "Shouting 'coward!' in an auditorium full of patriots is like lighting a fire in a crowded theatre," he said. Presidential Press Secretary Ari Fleischer commented on Maher's remarks, saying "You better watch what you say and watch what you do." Fleischer later defended his remark, arguing he was seized by a moment of "patriotic impulse and Republican rage." Senator John McCain said it was not cowardly to drop bombs from 30,000 feet or launch missiles from 2,000 miles away. "The straight truth is, it takes guts," he said, without elaborating. Barr said the committee will call lawmakers, scientists, teachers, psychologists, sitcom audience members, victims of tragedies, and some comedians to testify. "Identifying what is funny and appropriate is not a job just for national lawmakers," Barr said. "Giuliani made a joke on Saturday Night Live, I think that was okay. But that photo that's going around on the internet, the one with the sky-writing behind the plane that says 'If you can read this, you've got small pox,' I think that's in bad taste. Inappropriate. Treasonous," he said. "And the story in The Fictional Times about the CIA hiring Bin Laden to find Bin Laden simply because Bin Laden used to work with the CIA and knows where he is, that's not funny, not funny at all," Barr said. Barr said he would be guided by what he said was Woody Allen's rule: "If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, not funny." Woody Allen could not be reached for comment. Fleischer said a secret presidential commission, meeting in the windowless room next to the secret panel of judges that issues wiretap approvals, is already reviewing the issue of laughter. "We will let the nation know when they can laugh again, and at what," he said. "Until then, watch what you say and do. Laughing mouths sink ships." | CURBSIDE SERVICE RESTORED AT SOME AIRPORTS "Our Long National Nightmare Is Almost Over" Dubuque, IA - (GNS) - Curbside service and luggage check-in at some airports was restored earlier today in what national leaders, airport directors and airline CEOs called "the re-emergence of normalcy and the nearing end of our long, national nightmare." "That's one small step for man, a huge, big difference for airline travelers," declared Transportation Secretary "Tickets" Mineta, cutting the ribbon re-initiating curbside service at Dubuque International Airport. Americans all over the world reported rejoiced upon hearing the news. CNN reported there was dancing in the streets everywhere but in the palestinian occupied territories. "Curbside Service! We're Number One!" chanted thousands of waiting fliers in satellite lot B about a mile from Los Angeles International Airport. The Curbside Service Attendants Union praised Secretary Minetta and the Hollywood Stars and Famous Musicians who had held a benefit for them when they were thrown out of work. The suggestion that curbside attendants carry guns is under consideration at the Justice Department. HARRIS TO RUN FOR CONGRESS Cites Her Loyalty And Abilities To Conduct Intrigue St. Petersburg, FL - (GNS) - Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, known as "the bitch who helped Bush steal the election", confirmed she will run for Congress. "I am loyal, and I can plot in the backroom til the cows come home for Christmas," she said in a prepared statement. "And I'm the Taliban's worse nightmare," she said. "Well, okay, maybe not their worst. Probably Gloria Steinem or J Lo is their worst." Harris lives in an overwhelmingly Republican district, so poltical observers predicted she would win. "It will leave a void in the Florida election system," said Governor Jeb "Jeb" Bush, "but many people believe that Katherine, with her talents for obfuscation and subterfuge, belongs in Congress." CONDIT, LEWINSKY, JON BENET MUM ON CURRENT CRISIS Larry King, Jeff Greenfield Express Concerns New York, NY - (GNS) - Headliners from the recent past remained silent about the terrorist attacks and the war against evil as the mobilization continued. Congressman Gary Condit, the most recent headliner, issued a strong "No comment" when asked about his silence outside his lovely, spacious Immodesto home. He was heard to murmur "I went from lucky to unlucky to lucky again, all in less than six months." Monica Lewinsky, who would have been shot for her behavior if this was Afghanistan, remained silent, issuing only a brief statement. "If I can be of any service to the President during this tragic time, I'm ready to serve," she said. Jon Benet is still dead. CNN Talk Show Host Larry King, in a special three-week edition of his show, focused on the silence of these former centers of attention. "I'm sure I'm hoping, like all Americans, that we can return to the normalcy of the past and not the ever-increasing normalcy of now because now is not normal, it was before that was normal, let's go to a caller," King said. Media critic and CNN personality Jeff Greenfield said he was planning to do a show about the media's concentration on trivial items during the last decade and its failure to adequately cover events and attitudes overseas, especially in the mideast and south Asia, but the show was canceled, replaced by what he called "a very exciting show about how they make those flags that you can put in your car windows." |
| NOSTRADAMUS DETAINED FOR QUESTIONING Los Angeles, CA - (GNS) - FBI agents, acting on a tip, seized alleged seer Nostradamus while he was relaxing poolside at the Beverly Hilton Hotel yesterday. Nostradamus was in L.A. to tape the Tonight Show. He was taken to Parker Center for questioning.  Nostradamus is alleged to have written a bad poem predicting the attack on New York City. Agents said they wanted to know where he got his information. The poem, in part, reads: "In the year of the new century and nine months/ From the sky will come a great King of Terror/ The sky will burn at forty-five degrees. Fire approaches the great new city/ In the city of York, there will be a great collapse/ 2 twin brothers torn apart by chaos/ while the fortress falls the great leader will succumb/ third big war will begin when the big city is burning." Sources within the Literature Department at UCLA said the poem was not written by Nostradamus. "We think he's being framed. His writing was bad, but not that bad," said John Shakespeare, Chair of the department. Sources in the English Department at USC disagreed. "The use of the word 'fortress' is very Nostradamus," said Eileen Pugh, Dean of the Liberal Arts College. "Besides, who would want to frame him?" Nostradamus, whose real name was Smith before he changed it, reportedly declined to talk. He is represented by F. Lee Bailey. FAMILY COUNCIL CRITICIZES BUSH FOR PRO-GAY STANCE Refuses To Maintain Patriotic Silence, Also Criticizes Colin Powell Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - The Family Council, an anti-gay, conservative, possibly treasonous organization, attacked the leader of the free world, President George W. Bush, yesterday, for being pro-gay. "This administration stood idly by, dealing with who knows what, as the pro-gay congress passed legislation allowing benefits to same-ughh partners," said Family Council president Ken Connor. Connor said over 40 Republicans, under the influence of radical leftists like Mary Matalin, joined over 180 typcially perverted Democrats in supporting the measure. "We waited and waited and waited for some White House leadership on this, and instead Bush allows gays to speak at the GOP convention, he appoints them to various posts around the world, and now this," Connor said, weeping. Connor criticized Powell for appointing an openly gay man to the ambassadorship of Romania. "His gay partner will live with him in the official mansion, and will have spousal benefits," Connor moaned. "I don't know what the world is coming to," he said. "There used to be very strict rules, and now, it's like we're a country without morals. I hear there are religious fundamentalists in other countries who condemn us. If only we would listen," he said. BUSH HITS TERRORIST MONEY; STARTS WITH U.S. GOV'T AID TO TALIBAN Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - President Bush authorized pursuit of anyone forwarding money to the Bin Laden terrorist network and singled out the U.S. Government as the first target for investigation and indictment. "We gave the Taliban almost $50 million dollars a few months ago," Bush said, "and, in retrosp-- retrosp-- looking back on it, that was just stupid." "Now, we had our reasons. They're against drugs. And that's good. But, we goofed, 'cause they're not really good guys," Bush explained. Bush said normally a government or person giving this much money to help terrorists would be dealt with severely, but since this was his administration's first offense, he was going to let himself go with a warning. THOMPSON DECLARES HE'S INDISPENSABLE Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Senator Fred Thompson (R.-TN) declared he will seek re-election because "now is not the time to step down." "We're at war," he said, "and I've played this part in movies, so I know what to do." Thompson, who appeared in such films as The Hunt For Red October, said the Senate needed men who "had been there". "When you get right down to it," he said, "I'm indispensable." SHOTGUN GUARDS TO RIDE IN COCKPITS St. Joseph, MO - (GNS) - As discussions continued on whether or not to arm pilots, Butterfield Airlines announced shotgun guards would begin to accompany pilots on all their flights starting this weekend. "It worked in the old West," said Butterfield CEO Dale Robertson. "An' no one ever questioned it, neither." Robertson said shotgun guards prevented robberies and could now prevent hijackings. "No one's gonna quarrel with a twelve gauge," he said. Robertson said he recommended flight attendants carry derringers for additional security. Other airlines are reportedly considering adding shotgun guards to their flights. "As long as they've got colorful names, like Gabby and Whiskers and Three-Fingers Malloy, we don't see a problem," United-American-USA-Delta Airlines CEO & Baggage-Handler Scotty Smith said. | POLLS SHOW U.S. OVERWHELMINGLY UNITED   Americans Respond To Pollsters With Unity As The Above Polls Show 1400 people were surveyed, and some of them had weird names. BUSH LAUNCHES "OPERATION ENDURING FREEDOM" Double Meaning Intended, Says Administration Wordsmith Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Bush Administration Wordsmith Jack Parley said the double meaning in the new two-word code name for America's new war was intentional. "It means that freedom lasts forever," he said "and we're going to see to it that it does. And it means that for the people who hate freedom, well, they're just going to have to suffer it, to experience it, whether they want to or not." "Pretty clever, huh?" Parley said. Critics said the double meaning would be lost on the enemy. "They may be educated, but it's doubtful that they'll get it," said Bartlett Roget, a Professor of Multiple Meanings at the Heritage Foundation. Synonim Antonym, Director of Multiple Meanings Studies at Texas A&M disagreed. "Educated people will get it, and we must not lower our standards just so the uneducated will understand," he said. "Our job is to elevate, educate.  RIDGE WINS CABINET POST, CHAUFFERED LIMO Pittsburgh, PA - (GNS) - Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge won the contest for the new cabinet post created by the president to help fight America's new war. "I'm overjoyed. All the contestants were so great. It's an honor to win," Ridge said as he walked the stage and runway to the strains of "There He Goes, The New Secretary Of Homeland Defense" sung by Ted Nugent. Ridge, who failed to protect Pennsylvania from a falling airplane, was reportedly Bush's first choice. Analysts said it was the Party Loyalty Contest that clinched it. "When push came to shove during the campaign, Ridge shoved," said one analyst. As Secretary of Homeland Defense, Ridge will protect the homeland. He will also get a chauffered limo. GRAMM, NRA DEFEND PRO-TERRORIST LOOPHOLES Lubbock, TX - (GNS) - Senator Phil Gramm (R.-TX) and the NRA took turns at a news conference yesterday defending pro-terrorist positions they have held in the past. Gramm foiled Justice Department and Congressional efforts during the Clinton Administration to facilitate the search and seizure of terrorist funds. The NRA has consistently supported what is known as "the gunshow loophole" in gun control laws, which makes it relatively easy to buy guns at gunshows. Gramm said he stood by his previous decisions. "I single-handedly blocked that legislation and I'd do it again, and if that makes me a friend of the terrorists, well, so be it. I'm retiring anyway, so nyah, nyah, nyah," Gramm said. The NRA, represented by Sam "Duke" Smith, said they would be glad to reconsider their position "when you pry my gun from my cold, dead hand." Both men waved small American flags as they spoke.  Attorney General John "Da Fingah" Ashcroft demonstrates how turning the Bill of Rights on its side will stop Evil |  PERES, ARAFAT CALL FOR BUSH-BIN LADEN TALKS Barcelona, Spain - (GIN) - Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres and former terrorist turned former peacemaker Yassir Arafat called upon President Bush and Bin Laden to meet, shake hands, and talk. "Really," said Peres, "it makes as much sense as this, don't you think?" "Anything for a photo op," said Arafat.  GIULIANNI COY New York, NY - (GNS) - Mayor Rudolph Giulianni declined to say he wanted to continue being Mayor and instead insisted he hasn't had time to think about it. "I've been so busy doing a great job for the city I love, I just don't know yet if I want to keep doing it," he said. He did urge voters to vote in the primaries "if you want to." New York has a two-term limit, but Giulianni pointed out his party represents breaking election laws. "Isn't it amazing how all that stuff about my ex-wife has been forgotten. I'm going to roll up my sleeves more often," he said. Critics of Giulianni were blasted by supporters. "Hey, at least the guy put himself out there in harm's way rightaway. He wasn't hiding in some bunker like some political leaders we know," said one aide. "Besides, since when is coy not an attribute for a politician?" the aide said. HEROIN ADDICTS ASKED TO QUIT; DRY UP MONEY FLOW TO AFGHANISTAN Chicago, IL - (GNS) - U.S. Drug Czar Nelson Algren asked all heroin addicts to "show your patriotism and go cold turkey" in order to stop revenues to Afghanistan. "They grow poppies, we consume them. If we stop, we've dried up the money," he said. Algren said he'd received several phone calls from addicts who are just as patriotic as the next guy and wanted to show it. He told them, "stop cold." Algren said he was personally willing to pay for a videotape of the movie "The Man With The Golden Arm" to give to each addict to help them quit. "We can send a message to the Taliban. Patriotism is stronger than heroin. Freedom is stronger than Totalitarianism, and just because both governments have outlawed drugs doesn't mean we're at all alike," he said. BUSH FORMS REHNQUISITION COMMISSION TO SEEK OUT TERRORIST CONSPIRACY Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - President Bush asked Chief Justice William Rehnquisition to head a special presidential commission to determine whether or not the attack on the United States was committed by a conspiracy, or if it was just the work of nineteen lone nuts who happened to get together. "There is a solid history in this country of conducting this kind of investigation so the truth will be known," Bush said. Critics suggested Bush could use a multi-volume report declaring the attack was not a conspiracy as a way of finding an endpoint to what could otherwise be an endless war on evil, allowing him to declare victory instead of having to tell the impatient American people that all this could take more time. He vigorously denied suggestions that the commission would find that the attack was the work of just 19 men so that he would be able to declare a victory and move on to the rest of his agenda. "The United States does not engage in disinformation or cover-ups," he said, "nor do we form commissions to conceal stuff." Former president Gerald Ford was asked to serve on the commission. Ford served on the Warren Commission, which found Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. |
| TABLIBAN SAYS THEY'LL ASK BIN LADEN TO LEAVE Clerics Draw Straws To See Who Gets Job Ldkajfdkljfidistan, Afghanistan - (GIN) - The Taliban Clerics of the Grand Pah-Do-Dah Council announced today they would ask terrorist and financier Osama Bin Laden to leave Afghanistan. In an edict or "fatwa" issued earlier today, the Clerics said "we will draw straws, for this is an honorable and, you know, dangerous task." Sources report that before the decision to draw straws was made, the discussion went like this: "You do it." "No, you do it." "I don't want to do it." "Well somebody's got to tell him." "He's not gonna like it." "Maybe we can just send a telegram." "Wait, get Mongo. He'll do it." The Clerics, in their statement, also warned the U.S. that if it attacks Afghanistan they will have to declare a Holy War. This will be Holy War number 17,212 since 1990.  Clerics Say Good-bye to Ahmed, Who Drew The Short Straw And Has To Ask Bin Laden To Leave CIA HIRES BIN LADEN TO GET BIN LADEN "He Knows Where He Is" Washington D.C. - (GNS) - CIA Director William Casey, who first thought of supplying Stinger Missiles to the Mujahedeen, confirmed the CIA hired Osama Bin Laden yesterday to track down and find Osama Bin Laden.  "He used to work for us," said Casey, "and now that former President Bush has advanced the green light for us to still hire unsavory characters, we figure he's in the best position to find himself." TALIBAN GRAND PAH-DO-DAH COUNCIL MEETS They Will Do Secret Ritual Stuff And Pray To Whatever Entity Tells Them To Enslave People As They Make A Critical Decision Balamulabakhan, Afghanistan - (GIN) - The Grand Taliban Pah-Do-Dah Council is meeting, according to CIA sources who may or may not know. They are reportedly discussing whether or not to turn terrorist Osama Bin Laden over to the Pakistanis. The Pah-Do-Dah Council is the group of religious clerics who run the country. They are among those who seized the country from the people of Afghanistan after its victory against the Soviet Union, and forced the majority of the population into servitude, worshipping a God who apparently hates women and differences of opinion. "I know we're supposed to be tolerant," said one U.S. observer posted in Islamabad, Pakistan, but these guys are fucking primitive. They make Falwell look liberal. Well, that's probably an overstatement." If the Grand Pah-Do-Dah Council refuses to turn over Bin Laden, the world's tolerance for this fucked up religion will be sorely tested, said the observer. The deliberations of the Council are secret. PRESIDENT WHO STOLE ELECTION VOWS TO LEAD FIGHT FOR DEMOCRACY Pledges To Eliminate Evil, Even If It Takes Two Terms Washington D.C. - (GNS) - President Bush declared he will lead the nation to fight evil in the name of Democracy with the same team and the same single-minded energy that it took to steal the election last November, December and January, but he warned victory might take longer than three months and, unfortunately, would not be decided by a packed Court. Speaking from a secure location, Bush told the American people and the World that we're number one, and praised Democrats and other critics for putting past differences behind them and pulling together to support him. "With past differences aside, I'll be able to accomplish everything now that was doubtful before," Bush said, referring to his plans to beef up the military, overcome a budget battle, and invade the Social Security surplus. "I'll even be able to role back all those pesky reforms that prevented our CIA from hiring bad guys like Bin Laden to do our work," he said. Bush political advisor Karl Rove said it was a "good thing" that only members of the Congressional Black Caucus had challenged Bush's election. "Can you imagine what things would be like if the Supreme Court hadn't been in our pocket and one Senator had challenged the electoral vote?" Rove asked. Senator Trent Lott and Senator Hillary Clinton agreed with Bush's statement that civil liberties might have to suffer in the coming weeks if the nation is to be victorious. "A clampdown on civil liberties is not a clampdown on democracy," Clinton said, without explanation. Lott, from Mississippi, said he is on record opposing civil liberties that don't exclusively benefit "white folk". Bush said this war might take eight years, and then may have to be continued by someone like Dick Cheney for another eight years, before America wins. He said he was willing to serve two terms, and hoped the nation would continue to unite behind him so an election wouldn't even be necessary. CONGRESS CONSIDERS BOX CUTTER CONTROL Cites Lack Of 2nd Amendment Protection Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Senators and Congressmen and Congresswomen discussed implementing box cutter control as one of the emergency actions necessary to combat terrorism. "It isn't enough to eliminate curbside luggage. It's time to require owners and users of box cutters to have a permit," said Senator Orin Hatch, a longtime defender of gun rights and opponent of other civil liberties. "There is nothing in the Constitution giving an American the right to own a box cutter," said Senator Hillary Clinton, a formerly liberal senator from New York. Some political leaders suggested outlawing box cutters. "Can't a person just rip open a box, rather than using a cutter? That's what we used to do when I was younger," mumbled Senator Strom Thurmond, 97. Members of the box cutting industry asked to testify in favor of box cutters before lawmakers take action. "We can live with controls, but if we're outlawed, only outlaws will have box cutters," said P. Acking Tape, CEO of Box Cutters Unlimited. CONDIT-LEVY CONNECTION TO ATTACK UNCLEAR FBI Vows No Possibility Will Go Unexaggereated Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Unsupported allegations, vicious innuendo, rumors and veritable falsehoods suggesting a relationship between Chandra Levy's disappearance, Gary Condit's infidelity, and the attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon will all be investigated, FBI officials promised. "Chandra disappeared in April, this occurred in September. Both months fall between March and October," said FBI Special Agent Phillip Murk. "Condit committed infidelity, non-Christens used to be known as infidels," he added, concluding a chain of evidence was building. "Finally and most significantly, all of this has dominated television news coverage. The relationship is unclear, but potentially obvious," Murk said, without going into detail. Condit has yet to comment. GOD SILENT ON ATTACK, WAR Although Called Upon And Invoked, He Remains Mum, Mysterious Heaven - (GIN) - God, once quoted as saying "Vengeance is Mine", remained silent for the seventh day in a row, as He had been for many, many years prior to the attack. His name was invoked during a variety of ceremonies and in numerous speeches and countless prayers. "There is a general assumption he's on our side," said one person attending a church service in New York, "but he hasn't actually said so in no uncertain terms. It's kind of, well, mysterious." Most Americans who believe in God said Bush should go ahead with the war even if God doesn't say anything. "We've got separation of church and state," said one war supporter. "We do what we have to do, He does what He has to do."  is published Now & Then. © 2001 Gary Gordon Productions Submissions: Email Submissions. There's no pay, but if your submission is used in its entirety you'll get a byline; if your submission is used as the basis for a story you'll get co-credit byline or a listing in the soon-to-be-created Credits box. Feedback: Letters To The Editor. Link Exchange: If you like the site, and have a website of your own, please consider linking to this site. If you want to exchange links, please email The Publisher and inquire. CONTRIBUTORS include Bob Fontneau, Gilbert Hurricane, Dave Manning, Ira Luft, and Desmond Redondo. Logo Design by Giovanni Natale. Graphic design advice from Fee Alvi, although he is not responsible for any flaws in the ever-changing design. The Fictional Times is proud to be a MediaChannel Affiliate. | "TARGET-IMPOVERISHED AFGHANISTAN TO GET DEVELOPMENT FUNDS "This Is A Country In Need Of Targets Available To Attack" Says Rumsfeld Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Faced with making war on a country he labeled "target-impoverished", Secretary of War Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld announced today the U.S. will spend millions of dollars building government buildings, palaces, bunkers, weapons factories and utility centers as quickly as possible in Afghanistan. "This will give us places to bomb," he said. TALIBAN REQUEST FALWELL BE TURNED OVER TO THEM Garbled Transmission Raises Doubts About Intent Djfdfaidistanabad, Pakistan - (GIN) - The Taliban have asked that "Reverend" Jerry Falwell be turned over to them, according to sources in the Pakistani government, but the transmission was garbled leaving their reasons and intent unclear. "We don't know why they want him," said CIA Station Chief Maxwell Smart. Falwell, known as a right-wing fundamentalist fanatic who hates lesbians, gays, civil libertarians, feminists, and probably Jews and Muslims alike, has much in common with the Taliban. "It's possible they want to speak with him about an alliance," Smart said. "After all, President Bush has said that Muslim, Jew and Christian will stand shoulder to shoulder in the war against terrorism, so the Taliban may think it's time that right-wing fanatical fundamentalist Christians and Muslims should stand shoulder to shoulder in the fight for hatred." FALWELL SAYS GAYS, ACLU AT FAULT FOR EVIL THAT CAUSED ATTACK Reverend Suggests Bin Laden A Messenger From God Falwellville, VA - (GNS) - "Reverend" Jerry Falwell declared in no uncertain terms that the attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon was the fault of gays, lesbians, and the American Civil Liberties Union because they have "engaged in God-forbidden acts of uchghg and yechshhh." Falwell said Osama Bin Laden acted either consciously or unconsciously as God's messenger, "sending a warning to those who would reject fundamentalist religion and walk in the path of enlightenment that it's time to get straight and righteous and reject the Constitutional liberties that the ACLU fights for and listen to the voices like the ones I hear in my head." Falwell later issued what some described as an apology. He said his remarks were not incorrect, just insensitive at this time. MILITARY WON'T CONFIRM IF MAXIMUM SECRECY IS IN EFFECT We're Not Telling You Squat, Says US Gov't Part of The Pentagon, U.S. - (GNS) - General Lyndon MacNamara said earlier today that a total lid on news about military and civilian plans to combat terrorism was probably in effect. But he would not confirm it. "If we tell you, wouldn't that be giving away what might be a secret?" he asked rhetorically. "Besides, the best way we can protect democracy and all that it stands for is for the government to not tell you anything," he said. FORMER CIA ASSET ALLEGED LEADER OF ATTACK Bin Laden, Mujahedeen Were Supplied By CIA To Fight Soviet Union Part of The Pentagon, U.S. - (GNS) - The alleged leader of the Day Of Infamy II Attack, Osama Bin Laden, was reportedly among the Mujahdeen rebels funded and armed by the CIA during the 1980s in a plan set up by then CIA Director William Casey. "Ooops," said a CIA official, who asked to remain anonymous, when the fact was leaked and later confirmed. "Looks like this is another one that bit us on the ass." Former President George Bush, in a speech to anyone who would listen on Friday, defended the CIA practice of hiring "unsavory" people. "Well, you know, Intelligence often requires us to, you know, got to work with some people we just don't, well, they're unsavory," Bush said, using the signature syntax that many Americans miss. Bush said Congress had tried to tie the hands of the CIA but fortunately it hadn't worked. "We employed Noriega for awhile, even when he was smuggling drugs, and we trained those Hondurans who killed, well, they, it was, got to, and apparently this bin Laden fellow, now I was out of the loop, remember?" Bush said. No reporters asked whether or not it was now obvious that the idea of the CIA funding, training and supplying weapons to unsavory rebels, fanatics, and terrorists ought to at least be reconsidered, and that maybe the Congress in the 70s was on target in questioning this practice. President Bush vowed to hire, employ, train, supply, and fund whoever it took to help in the fight against those who we've hired, employed, trained, supplied and funded who have now turned against us, and dismissed without explanation the possibility that anyone else hired, employed, trained, supplied and funded would turn against us in the future. BIN LADEN DENIES ROLE IN ATTACK, ACKNOWLEDGES HE IS A CHICKENSHIT COWARD WITH A SMALL PENIS Says Being One of 57 Siblings Left Him Needing Attention Kabul, Afghanistan - GIN) - In an appeal to Americans steeped in psycho-babble, Bin Laden broke his silence about the terrorist attack and declared that his previous attacks had not given him closure in his efforts to achieve self-esteem. "I did not do this," he said, but added, "but perhaps I am in denial." "I am a chickenshit coward," he said, "and I hope Americans will realize that my saying so is a breakthrough." Bin Laden also said he has a small penis. "It is so small, well, what is the point?" he said. He said all of his actions were obviously a cry for the attention he never got as a child. "If only I had been raised in a family with 1.6 children, and if only I had a bigger penis, and if only I was not a chickenshit coward..." he said, then drifted off, lost in silent reverie. PAKISTAN FLIPS, DELIVERS ULTIMATUM TO TALIBAN Surrender Bin Laden Or Everyone Dies; Better You Than Us Islamabad, Pakistan - GNS) - A Pakistani delegation seeking only to do the right thing enthusiastically delivered a U.S. ultimatum to the ruling Taliban government in Afghanistan. Pakistan, which has harbored terrorists in the recent past and has been listed many times by the U.S. as a rogue or terrorist nation, apologized for "past, youthful indiscretions", asked for forgiveness, and said it would be glad to play a role in the destruction of any of its neighbors, especially if it meant it could spread its own influence through the region. "Is it possible we could rid ourselves of India, also?" asked one Pakistani diplomat. "Of course, only for the right reasons," he added. "It is better that the U.S. blow up Afghanistan than us," said another Pakistani official. "We have seen what the U.S. can do with its bombs, and we don't want that," he said. He pointed out Afghanistan was a poor, backward country, so its destruction would not matter. "The only thing worth saving there was the religious statues, and the Taliban already destroyed them. Ironic, isn't it?" he said. U.N. CONSIDERS REMOVING AFGHANISTAN FROM MAP New York, NY - GNS) - Members of the U.N. Map Committee discussed removing Afghanistan from all maps of the world at a special committee meeting yesterday. "Most of us never liked Afghanistan anyway," said Ldkjadk-el Dkajd of the province of Eorpuqiew in northern Scmnf, formerly a totally neglected and un-mapped area of the Soviet Union. "If we replace Afghanistan with a big empty spot, terrorists will no longer avail themselves of that rugged terrain as a sanctuary," agreed Henry Nigel-Wadsworth, a former MI-5 agent who participated in re-drawing the Middle East in 1934.  | CHENEY, RICE, RUMSFELD, POWELL, WOLFOWITZ, ASHCROFT, ROVE, MUELLER CLASH OVER NAME OF WAR Clashes Over How To Define And Conduct War Also Rampant Washington D.C. - (GNS) - President Bush's top cabinet officers and advisors clashed vigorously over the name of the war that Bush has declared but not Declared. Meeting in the War-Naming Room and splitting into groups, they worked feverishly through the night to come up with a name. Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld formed one group, Ashcroft and Wolfowitz formed another group, Powell formed a third group, and Rove and Mueller formed a fourth group. Sources report the following chain of events. Among the names considered were: "Operation Target-Impoverished Storm" (Rumsfeld), "Operation No Body Bags" (Powell), "Operation Wrath" (Rove), "Operation Terrible Swift Sword" (Unattributed), "Operation American Justice With Some Suspended Civil Liberties" (Ashcroft), and "Operation Kick Ass" (Wolfowitz). Former Presidents George Bush, Clinton, and Ford were consulted, along with former advisors George Schultz and Henry Kissinger. "Operation Read My Lips", "Operation Meaning Of Words", "Operation Fall Down", "Operation Dull" and "Operation Mass Murder" were among the names submitted by that group. The disagreement was settled when President Bush mentioned he remembered something from the old west, about how the band The Jefferson Airplane chose their name by just picking two words from the dictionary. Rove grabbed a dictionary and picked two words. "Aardvark Philanthropy!" he said. After much discussion, lasting late into the night, Operation Aardvark Philanthropy was rejected. "This could go on forever," said Mueller, after all but he and Rove left to argue about whether or not retaliation should be swift and massive or coherent and targeted. At that point Bush walked into the room and asked if Mueller and Rove were all that was left. "Just us," said Mueller, "and there are so many names, it could go on forever." "Just us," agreed Rove, "and there are so many names, it could go on forever." "Well we can't call it 'Operation This Could Take Forever'," Bush said. "With just us, it could take forever," said Rove. "Just us, forever," said Bush. And the name Operation Infinite Justice was born. MARSHAL BUSH WANTS BIN LADEN "DEAD OR ALIVE" "There's No Room On This Planet For The Two Of Us" Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Marshal George Dubya Bush strapped on his Colt Peacemaker, donned his cowboy hat, thrust a badge into his shirt, rolled a cigarette, strode toward the steps of the saloon, kicked some cowshit out of his path, stepped up on the boardwalk, faced the crowd of citizens and reporters gathered around him in the dusty street, set the heels of his hands on the butts of his revolvers, spit, looked everyone in the eye with what passed for his best steely-eyed glare and said, "I'm gonna git this hombre." Behind him, his Deputy, known as The Dick Kid, nailed up a Wanted Poster for Osama "Wild Man" Bin Laden and a whiskered, washed-up shotgun guard poisoned in the last war sat on a barrel and played the harmonica. "Now I'm formin' up a posse and we're fixin' to ride out," said Marshal Bush. "Yer either with us or yer agin' us." When asked by one reporter if he was willing to lead a gunfight against the Taliban Tribe in the Afghani Territories, Bush, known to mix, flip, and reverse metaphors, said "If'n they wanna play Custer to our Sioux Nation, let 'em. They're surrounded." Another reporter asked if Bush was sure he could find Wild Man Laden. "Smile when you say that," was the Marshal's reply. "The drinks're on me!" Deputy Cheney shouted, and everyone but the Marshal's two daughters went into the saloon. MILITARY LEADERS WHO FAILED TO GET SADDAM IN CHARGE OF GETTING BIN LADEN Vows New Leaf In Foreign Policy: Going After Dictators And Fanatics Instead of Popularly Elected Leaders Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Vice President Dick "Richard" Cheney, appearing on several Sunday talk shows, said America can rest assured that even though the senior military and civilian advisors to the president are essentially the same people who urged former President Bush to stop the Gulf War short of victory over Saddam Hussein, this time they would "go all the way". "Our track record should be ignored," Cheney said. "It's time to look to the future." Cheney said many of the Bush's advisors had served in Vietnam and advised President Ford, and therefore knew what to do and how to do it. "Secretary of State Colin Powell helped cover up the My Lai massacre and similar events. That training helped us shut down the free media in the Gulf War, and will prove invaluable in controlling the spin as we go after Bin Laden," Cheney said. Cheney, who like Bush, never served in combat, said what America expects from him is what he did in the Gulf War. "I talked tough, I posed for inspiring photos with the troops," he said. He said the decision not to go after Saddam was "not a mistake, but perhaps it was an error," and blamed it on liberal Democrat congressman who had held hearings into the illegal actions of the CIA in the 70s, and on Clinton, who lied about sex. "Rest assured, we will get Bin Laden, and we'll get Saddamn, and maybe we'll take out a few others," he said. He said he realized going after dictators and fanatics was a departure from the foreign policy practices of the last fifty years. "I know we took out Mossadegah, and Arbenz, and Allende, and they were popular leaders. Even the Sandinistas were elected, as opposed to Somoza, who we backed. Hell, we even fought against Ho even though he was on our side in the Big One. But it was necessary then to replace popular and elected leaders with dictators. Now it's necessary to replace dictators and un-American religious fanatics with, I don't know, somebody else," he said. HANDGUNS WILL BE AVAILABLE ON DOMESTIC COMMERICIAL FLIGHTS Passengers Can Purchase Guns In Terminal, Or Rent One On The Plane Houston, TX - (GNS) - In a response to the demand for additional security and safety on airplanes, the National Airline Association (NAA)announced today handguns would be available to passengers. "You can buy them when you buy insurance, or rent them on the plane," said NAA Vice President Bill Hickok. "Flight attendants will offer passengers guns when they offer them headphones for the in-flight movie," Hickok said. "Of course, they'll cost more." ASHCROFT WARNS HUMOR MIGHT BE CRIMINAL Seeks Wider Authority To Do Whatever He Wants, Regardless Of Law, Policies, or Constitutional Rights Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Attorney General John Ashcroft, in his zeal to increase his power and draw attention away from the incompetencies within the FBI and elsewhere in the Justice Department, warned humorists that humor might be interpreted as "collaboration with the enemy." "Anyone joking about any of this could also be guilty of murder by depraved indifference," he said, explaining that he'd learned the phrase "depraved indifference" from the TV show "Law And Order". Ashcroft said increased authority to track down terrorists would include being allowed to wiretap at will, knock down doors, seize bank accounts, invade privacy, and generally run a police state, all without a warrant and all with full approval of what used to be a democracy with constitutional rights. "I don't think the Founding Fathers intended that free speech and the right to not have to quarter troops in their homes meant that they wanted to ensure free speech and the right to not have to quarter troops in their homes," said Ashcroft, with the blinding logic that persuaded a divided senate to confirm his appointment. He also said when the Founding Fathers "put that thing in there about religion, it didn't mean non-Christian religions." "Racial profiling? Religious profiling? Skin color profiling? You bet," said Ashcroft, who reminded the nation that if the Confederacy had won the Civil War, none of this would be a problem. Senator Hillary Clinton, formerly an opponent of racial profiling, would not say she still opposed it, demonstrating her ability to waffle and cave just like her husband. |