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ARNOLD ELECTED, ENDS BUDGET CRISIS Produces Rewritten Script With Budget Problems Deleted Superficial, CA - (GNS) - Governor-elect Arnold Schlunghanger ended the alarming California budget crisis by producing a rewritten script that no longer includes the budget as part of the storyline. "We do this in Hollywood all the time," Arnold said. "If there's something not working we just get rid of it." Copies of the new script were circulated to the legislature and media. "In the old script, the budget problem is indicated in the first act on page 8, then it's developed into the overriding obstacle during the second act," Arnold said. "But this is an action picture. You can't have the hero firing superweapons at reams of paper. There's no explosions, no blood. So we cut page 8 and we cut pages 33 thru 36 and 41 thru 43 and the eight-page sequence that started on page 73. With that, the second act centers on my fight against the regulators and the whole third act changes into something Californians want." Jay Leno, Arnold's newly appointed press secretary, said this was exactly what Californians expected from Arnold. "After doing all those interviews with stupid people who don't know anything about the history and politics of our country, I knew Arnold could get elected," Leno said. "And I knew the solutions to the problems had to be simple. Here it is, there's not budget crisis. It's no longer in the script," Leno said. When asked about increasing funding to the schools, Arnold hinted that another rewrite is underway. "We'll have that money early in the second act. The script is due in two weeks," he said. CALIFORNIANS TO DECIDE BETWEEN SEXUAL PREDATOR AND DULL PERSON Articulate Republican And Third-Party Green Not Viable Munich, CA - (GNS) - Wacky, crazy, cutting edge Californians will go to the polls tomorrow to decide whether a sexual predator who participated in backroom deals with Enron should become governor or a dull governor who is, well, dull, should remain governor. Polls indicate the Recall vote to oust Dull Governor Yawn Davis is a toss-up, but that if it passes Sexual Predator Arnold Schlunghanger will become governor. Recent revelations about Schlunghanger's sexual predations have galvanized the state with anti-Arnold women condemning the man's anti-social and possibly criminal behavior and pro-Arnold women carrying signs that say "Grope Me, Grope My Daughter!" As pundits questioned whether or not news should be published, Gov. Davis spoke to a crowd of Dull Persons For Davis and Dull Persons Against The Recall, arguing that his lack of charisma "helps everyone sleep more safely each night." "I will not be groping anyone," Davis said. Lost in most of the clamor are revelations that Schlunghanger met with Enron executives to strategize on how best to prevent the state of California from winning a lawsuit and collecting millions of dollars owed to its citizens. According to journalist Greg Palast, in an article yet to be published by the L.A. Times, the Federal government was willing to settle California's case against Enron for pennies on the dollar, but the governor would have to sign off. Davis and Bustamante were behind the lawsuit seeking justice and compensation and would never sign off on such a low settlement, so they had to be replaced. Also lost in the clamor are Republican Tom McClintock and Green Peter Camejo, who would have emerged from the five-way debate that included Schlunghanger and Huffington as the two most thoughtful and knowledgeable candidates, if the media hadn't focused on the celebrity catfighting between the two foreign-born subtitles-challenged candidates. While no one is making firm predictions, most pundits agree Californians rarely choose the dull person, and many blame what they see as a potential Schlunghanger victory on Maria Shriver for hating her father. BUSH TO CALL ON U.N. FOR HELP IN IRAQ Text Of Planned Phone Call Released Homeland Security HQ - (GNS) - White House officials released the planned text of the phone call President Bush will make tomorrow to the United Nations to request help in Iraq. The unedited transcript is printed in its entirety below. BUSH: "Hi, is this the U.N.?" U.N.: "Yes." BUSH: "Well you should send money and troops to help us in Iraq, not that we really need it, but it would be the right thing to do in the war on terror and all." U.N.: "Are you willing to share any authority in the rebuilding of Iraq in exchange for the aid?" BUSH: "No." U.N.: "No?" BUSH: "No." U.N.: "None?" BUSH: "None." U.N.: "Pardon me, Mr. President, but don't you think that's a bit arrogant?" BUSH: "We're the United States. Are you with us or against us?" U.N.: "This is the way you ask for help?" BUSH: "This is how you respond? Name-calling?" U.N.: "I think the word arrogant is accurate." BUSH: "Money and troops. Have them on my desk by the end of the week." U.N.: "Uh--" BUSH: "I'll take that as a yes. Hold on while I transfer you to a Customer Service Representative. U.N.: "But I--" CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: "Congratulations. You're now a member of the Coalition of the Willing. Welcome to War on the Axis of Evil and the War on Terror. For your contribution you'll be receiving an American flag lapel pin and a handy War on Terrorism starter kit with several easy-to-use phrases that suggest but don't actually state specifically that Hussein was behind 9-11." U.N. officials reported they had received the text of the transcript and had agreed to participate, but said there must be a 14-day cancelation of membership included in the offer, and a full money-back guarantee if Iraq does not become a self-governed democracy by November, 2004. BUSH SAYS NO CONNECTION BETWEEN 9/11, HUSSEIN AND IRAQ WAR Polls: He's Lying Camp Biff, MD - (GNS) - President Bush said there was no connection between the 9/11 attack on the United States and the reason for why war with Iraq was necessary. Critics and supporters immediately declared this was in contradiction to what Bush and his administration had consistently suggested in the months leading up to the war. Polls show 67% of Americans believe Saddam Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks. "No, he wasn't," Bush said in an extensive, three-word speech at the presidential hideaway, Camp Biff. A Fictional Times poll taken immediately after his statement indicated 67% of the people believe Hussein was behind 9/11. "Obviously, the people believe he's lying," said Fictional Times pollster B. Grimm. In a related Fictional Times poll, 45% of Americans said all of this reminded them of the story about the Emporer having no clothes, while 42% said it reminded them of the story of the boy who cried wolf. The other 3% were sure it was the story about the three bears, but couldn't say why. Bush aides said the president has denied that he was lying, that statements previously made may have been misleading, but they were done for the good of the nation, a nation that was under attack, a nation that needed to go to war with Iraq and defeat Saddam Hussein because of what happened on 9/11. 
CDC, WHO, Homeland Security Investigate Health Threat, Terrorism 
TAPE OF BUSH PROMISING MORE JOBS IS SUSPECT Experts Suggest It's A Fraud Vera City, VA - (GNS) - The authenticity of an audio tape on which President Bush is heard promising to create jobs has been called into question by numerous scholars, law enforcement and Homeland Security officials. "To put it bluntly, we don't think it's him," said Roger Sagacity of the Homeland Security Dept. Professor Null Void and Forensic Scientist Anita Schema of the University of Virginia agreed. On the tape, a voice "that sounds like Bush" is heard promising the creation of more jobs, Schema said. "Although he doesn't acknowledge that 2.5 million jobs have been lost in the manufacturing sector since he took office, he does say 'there is a problem in manufacturing'," Schema said. "He goes on to say 'there should be a level playing field' with trading partners around the world," she said. "The voice is close, but the content is farfetched," Sagacity said. "It'd be like Hussein saying he didn't build any palaces, or Bin Laden saying he wasn't from Saudi Arabia. It doesn't wash." Void studied both the audio tape and a related video tape. "There's sound on the video, but you can't see his lips move. It suggests it was dubbed, and not very well," Void said. But Null agreed with Sagacity. "Even if the voice was perfect and the video tape was well done, the content gives it away. It's fake," he said.
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BUSH VOWS NEVER-ENDING HUNT FOR LEAKER "We Will Look For Who Leaked The CIA Agent's Identity And We Won't Quit Looking" Homeland H.Q. - (GNS) - President took a few minutes break from his non-stop defense of his handling of the war with, in and on Iraq to declare that whether or not he is willing to avidly pursue the identity of the person who leaked the name of a CIA agent is "beyond question." "As I said when we began looking for Osama Bin Laden and his men," Bush said, "'We're going to hunt them down one at a time. . . it doesn't matter where they hide, as we work with our friends we will find them and bring them to justice.'" "As I said a few weeks ago about finding Saddam Hussein," Bush said, "'We are continuing the pursuit and it's a matter of time before he is found and brought to justice.'" "And I'm telling you now, about this leaker, I don't know if we're going to find out the senior administration official. I don't have any idea," Bush said. Aides insisted Bush was being painfully honest about the difficulty in finding someone within his administration who leaked information to hack journalist Robert Novak, but that the President meant to say he would look. "It's not like he can just say to his upper level staff, 'Alright, who did this?'," one aide insisted. "He's instructed alot of people to hand over alot of paper to the FBI," said one aide. "He's on top of it." FBI officials said they are certain Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and the leaker are not the same person, even thought they're all the subjects of hunts. BUSH SCRAMBLES TO REMIND AN INCREASINGLY SKEPTICAL PUBLIC THAT HE'S POPULAR Polls Show People Don't Like Him As Much As They Used To Uptheriver, TX - (GNS) - President Bush increased his efforts to convince Americans he is popular by saying over and over again in his Saturday radio address to the American people, "I am popular, I am popular." The veracity of his claims have come into question and drawn scrutiny because of the lies he told about the U.S. invasion of Iraq and the reasons behind it. Americans, especially those who have read Michael Moore's new book, "Dude, Where's My Country?", have grown increasingly restless and dubious, doubtful that Bush has ever told the truth. "We don' like Saddam, but that sonny boy Bush has told some whoppers," said Tex Roadkill, a hardware store owner in Lubbock, Texas. "I'm beginnin' to think it's the stupidity, stupid," said Tex Cattledrive, a pick-up truck mechanic in Abilene, Kansas. "I wouldn'a minded so much if'n he'd lied about sex 'n the like, but lyin' 'bout war, that's whatcha call unconscionable," said Mrs. Tex Beaufont of Dallas, Texas. Bush aides said Bush has never lied and won't do it again. Aides said his $87 million dollar campaign chest "will buy alot of belief between now and November 2004." "Look for voting machine problems in the close states," one aide said. "It could be we've already won, popular or not." 
GRASSO APPOINTED TO HEAD NEW IRAQ SECURITIES EXCHANGE President Sites Ability To "Grab All You Can With Gusto" The Big Apple, NY - (GNS) - The former head of the New York Securities Exchange (NYSE) Richard Grasso, driven from his job because of what many said was an excessive salary, was appointed by President Bush to chair the newly formed Iraq Securities Exchange (ISE). Grasso, whose salary with bonuses exceeded $150 million will assume the new position immediately at a salary of $8.7 million a year, one-tenth of what the administration is requesting from Congress to continue the Iraqi Makeover Campaign. While making the appointment, Bush sited Grasso's abilities. "He is first and foremost a capitalist, driven by greed. He will grab all he can with gusto and that's what we need to teach the Iraqi people about the world of investment as they step off on their journey toward freedom and democracy," Bush said. Grasso, who had expressed no remorse or guilt over his hefty salary at NYSE, said he is prepared "to do what needs to be done." "I have the eyes of a fanatic. Iraqis relate to that," he said. Critics of the appointment have muttered "What?" and "It figures", but have been cautioned by Rumsfeld, Cheney and Ashcroft to mute their criticism "until the war on terror is over." BUSH ADMIN LOOKS FOR REASON FOR WAR Powell Suggests '88 Gassing of Kurds Was Reason Homeland HQ - (GNS) - Members of the Bush Administration scrambled all week to discover the reason for the war they had just conducted in Iraq and for the plans they announced to request an additional $87 Billion from the American people. The scramble started when Vice President Cheney came out of hiding to announce that Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks. Rumsfeld then said that wasn't exactly true. Condoleeza Rice said "Hey, wait, don't be dissin' Dick." Then the president said Hussein was not behind the 9/11 attacks, contradicting earlier statements that had lead the American people to believe he was. Then someone said it was Weapons of Mass Destruction, then Cheney said he had "misspoke" when he said Iraq had them and Rumsfeld reversed himself when he said two weeks before the war that he knew where the weapons of mass destruction were. As the administration scrambled to get its cover story straight, Secretary of Something Colin Powell suggested that the 1988 gassing of the Kurds by the Iraqis was the reason for the 2003 war. Iraq was an ally of the U.S. in 1988, as it was an enemy of Iran. At the time of the gassing, the U.S. registered a murmur, through diplomatic channels. Other administration officials followed Powell's lead, reaching back into history to find a reason for the recent war. Among those offered: Iraq's non-existence prior to its creation by the British; Iraq's lack of participation in Saudi Arabia's plans, whatever they are; Iraq's failure to maintain itself as a backward religious state; and various crimes against humanity committed by the Babylonians. King Nebachenezzer was unavailable for comment. 
 CBO PREDICTS $480 BILLION DEFICIT IN 2004 $1.4 Trillion in Debt Foreseen Over the Next Decade Americans Take It Up The Ass Capitol of the Homeland, USA - (GNS) - The federal budget deficit will reach $480 billion next year, with annual deficits over most of the next decade accumulating to $1.4 trillion in federal debt, according to forecasts released today by the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office. "Americans will be swimming in debt, mortgaged to the hilt, they will be the 18th century equivalent of indentured servants and slaves," CBO Break-It-Down-So-You-Fucking-Get-It Director Plain English explained. "I mean, I don't want to be crude, but this is the ultimate fiscal rape," English said. English said early indications were that Americans were prepared to respond by bending over and taking it up the ass. "That's the technical jargon for it," he said. English said if Congress permanently extends current tax cuts, as President Bush has requested, the numbers soar and remain in the red for the foreseeable future, adding another $1.6 trillion to the debt. "There goes your kids' future, and your grandkids," English said. He suggested parents sign up offspring now for the U.S. Army Early Enrollment Plan. "Better they should join one of the president's legions overseas where there's the possibility of achieving glory in battle and returning home a celebrated and rewarded hero than to face life here as an indentured servant," English said. English said the forecasts do not include ongoing costs of U.S. military and reconstruction activity in Iraq or other new spending proposals. The cost of the Bush administration's proposal for expanding prescription drug benefits for seniors would add another $400 billion in debt, he said. The deficit for the current fiscal year, which ends Sept. 31, will be $401 billion, the CBO estimates, far exceeding the previous record-high deficit of $290 billion in Fiscal Year 1992. "And if you think deregulation and an economy run by corporations headed by the likes of Kenny Lay, Rupert Murdoch, Dick Cheney and the heads of Bechtel, Haliburton, Worldcom, Exxon, and the rest of those thieves and pirates is going to grow us out of this, well I've got some oceanfront property in Iraq you might want to buy," English said. 
"We live in Fictitious Times." Academy Award winning director Michael Moore flashes peace sign to cameraman at Oscars (TM)
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Pro-American Iraqis Celebrate Continuing End of War With Another Car Bomb, This Time At Police Headquarters In Baghdad
49 STATES FAIL TO RECALL GOVERNORS Public Apathy Is Blamed Joliet, IL - (G) - All but one state failed to recall its governor in what experts at the Joliet Institute of Public Policy And Stuff said amounts to "public apathy of historic proportions." "California, as wacky and nutso as it is, is the only state to recall its governor less than a year after re-electing him," said Dr. Darrell Darrell of the JIPPS. "We are facing a public apathy crisis of biblical proportions," he declared. "Not since the Chinese failed to put down the Roman Empire after Jesus visited them a really long time ago has such a large population failed to face up to its responsibilities to its country and the world," Darrell said. Darrell said JIPPS studied each state and found there was just as much reason to recall governors in all states as there was to recall the governor of California. "If that's not a standard then I don't know what is," he declared. Darrell, and Dr. Issa Issa, said their Report To The Nation On Public Apathy In The Face Of Problems & Stuff will be released later this week, and has been excerpted in Public Apathy Digest. "To paraphrase Lincoln, a nation that sleeps should be beside itself," Darrell said. KEY TO MESS CABINET STILL ELUDES SEARCHERS Strawberry Theft Incident Remains Unsolved; Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell, Rice, Wolfowitz Promise Results "Imminently" Queeg, Iraq - (GIN) - The hunt for the duplicate key to the mess cabinet from which strawberries were stolen continued yesterday throughout Iraq with search teams focusing on Tikrit and Bogart. U.S. officials from the White House to the ground commanders in Iraq insisted that finding the key was a top priority. "We told the people we were going to war because Iraq had the key. Our intelligence was solid. We're going to find it," Secretary of War Donald "Duck" Rumsfeld told reporters at his daily press briefing & comedy show yesterday. Scientists have confirmed that the strawberries, when mixed with whipped cream or chocolate are a potent weapon and therefore the theft of the strawberries must be solved. In his address to the nation in his state of the union speech, President Bush proved with "immutable logic" that a duplicate key existed. Secretary of Who Knows What? Colin Powell declared the existence of the key when he made his case for war to the United Nations. Private John Doe, who was killed yesterday in a firefight while searching for the key was heard to have muttered as his last words, "Find the key, boys. I know it's there. Don't let me die in vain." In related news, plans for a Gulf War Monument with a likeness of Private Doe, larger than the WWII monument under construction in D.C., have been proposed to be located in Massachusetts and would displace the entire population. "Of course it's bigger. What does it say to our men and women in uniform if the WWII memorial is bigger than the monument to the current war?" said Deputy Field Marshal Wolfowitz. "And if it eliminates Senator John Kerry's seat, well that's patriotic too," Wolfowitz said. 
RUMSFELD, HUSSEIN "ACCIDENTALLY MEET" IN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION Secretary of War Was Looking For Vice President Cheney Bonanza, VA - (GNS) - In what could prove to be a bonanza for conspiracy buffs, Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld met "accidentally" with former Iraqi Dictator and international fugitive Saddam Hussein in an undisclosed location, according to Rumsfeld's aide, William Casey. "The Secretary was looking for the Vice President in what we call Undisclosed Location Number Nine and ran into Saddam Hussein," Casey said. "Having met before, when Saddam was a U.S. ally against Iran, they shook hands. It was reflex action," Casey said. Casey said a brief conversation ensued, and related what was said: Rumsfeld: We've been looking for you. Saddam: They told me to wait here. Rumsfeld: Who? Saddam: Yes, Who. Rumsfeld: I'm asking who told you to wait here." Saddam: And I'm telling you who told me to wait here. Rumsfeld: Who? Saddam: Yes, Who. Rumsfeld: What's the person's name? Saddam: What's with Cheney. Rumsfeld: What's with Cheney? Saddam: I don't know. Rumsfeld: Third base. Conspiracy theorists have suggested that the Iraq War was rigged in order to gain control of the oil and that Saddam was actually a willing accomplice who has really always been an ally of the U.S. "I think the fact that Hussein is hiding in the same complex of undisclosed locations as Cheney helps make the case," said Oliver Duh, a longtime conspiracy proponent. Rumsfeld said the event never took place and explained the photo was fake. "Either that, or that's one of our Hussein impersonators, whichever story you'll run with," he said. Cheney could not be found for comment.  O'REILLY, FRANKEN SLATED FOR NEW REALITY SHOW "You And Whose First Amendment?" Will Debut On NBC This Fall Hollywould, CA - (GNS) - The lawsuit Fox Network filed against Al Franken has spawned a series starring the two antagonists set to debut this fall on NBC in the 8pm Wednesday slot before West Wing. Liberal humorist Franken and rightwing meatgrinder Bill O'Reilly will play themselves as they each prepare for and present a talk show during which Franken will crack jokes and O'Reilly will accuse him of treason. "It's a match made in Heaven, if you believe in Heaven," said the show's creator and executive producer Jon Stewart, also a known humorist. "Many people find humor about current events to be unpatriotic. O'Reilly is one of those people. So this is like, uh, well, I was going to say oil and water but I'm told Exxon might sponsor the show," Stewart said. O'Reilly, author of the bestselling "I'm Right About Everything And You Should Know It By Now" said he couldn't pass up the opportunity to expose Franken on a weekly basis. "Franken is an amoral little twerp who wouldn't understand the meaning of American patriotism if someone branded a flag on his face," O'Reilly said. Franken said he's looking forward to the show because it will help promote his next book, "The Right Wing, Threat Or Menace?" "Bill is a case study in what happens when someone rejects anger management classes and decides to channel all his fury at the disenfranchised, powerless Americans," Franken said, "And I mean that as a compliment." The Right Wing Queen of Hate, Ann Coulter, and the somewhat Left Wing Queen of Self-Righteousness, Arianna Huffington, will co-star, Stewart said. |
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