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Fictional Times EXCLUSIVE Report and Analysis Operation Not A Quagmire ARCHIVES section; updated 12/31/01   A MediaChannel Affiliate HOLLYWOOD GOES TO WAR! PHOTOSTUFF In The News! Fictional Times Exclusive: An Interview With Enron CEO Kenneth Lay  EXCLUSIVE STEM CELL REPORT President Cuts Baby In Half; Bathwater Decision Remains Unresolved ENTERTAINMENT ENTERTAINMENT ARCHIVES Hey!! Fictional Times Fans! Check out Gary's songs. FREE downloads from his CDs: The Smoking Gun Cafe, Truer Words, and Reasonable Doubts & Cheshire Cat Grins  Gary's Music Bra Ads  Archives ++++++++ Gary Gordon Productions ++++++++ LISTEN UP! For refreshing, insightful and provocative Resistance Radio with America's #1 Talk Radio Guy on "our" side listen to  Mike Malloy everyday, 3pm to 6pm EST! 
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SEATTLE BIO-WEAPONS ATTACK WAS REAL | Portland, OR - (GNS) - Authorities confirmed today that the fake bio-weapons attack on Seattle was actually real. Funeral services for Seattle will be held in Portland. In lieu of flowers, the government is requesting that gas masks be sent to Spokane. DR. GERM IN CUSTODY; LEX LUTHOR AND DR. MAGNETO STILL AT LARGE Gotham, NY - (GNS) - U.S. occupation authorities announced the capture of "Dr. Germ", one of the evil genuises behind Iraq's biological warfare program. Authorities said the hunt continues for Lex Luthor and Dr. Magneto. "The Shadow, who knows where evil lurks, is helping us," an official with the occupation authority confirmed. Iraq's dreaded biological warfare program was not unleashed on the invading occupation forces for reasons the authority would only describe as "dastardly". WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND! Bush, Powell Didn't Lie After All Bush City (formerly Baghdad), Iraq - (GIN) - Coalition forces announced their discovery of a huge cache of weapons of mass destruction twenty miles north of Baghdad today. The weapons were found concealed in an ancient ruin of Atsab'su Urd where an archaeological dig was shut down by the Iraqi government nine years ago. The weapons were found by a team of US Army Rangers working with a team of archaeologists from UCLA. "We don't know the exact amount of weapons stored here, but it's huge," said US Army Ranger Captain Hunt Piryte. Piryte said caches of Anthrax and four nuclear warheads have been uncovered so far. "We're trying to dig carefully so we don't destroy the ruin but at the same time we recover what's here," Piryte said. "It's slow going," he added, "because we don't know if the facility was properly maintained. There could be combustibles here, the whole thing could go up in a flash if we're not careful." Atsab'su Urd was a small trading center that flourished briefly before Baghdad emerged as the the central city of ancient Iraq. UCLA archaeologists had kept an eye on the site ever since a team of French and Italian archaeologists were suddenly asked to leave in 1995. "Atsab'su Urd is an important site in that it would give us some insight of life in the region before it was prominent," said Dr. Morris Piltdown, professor of archaeology and lead investigator at the site. "There is a certain poetry to Saddam Hussein's use of Atsab'su Urd to store weapons," Piltdown said. "Before they were forced to leave, the French and Italian team found evidence that places within this site were used to store ancient weapons. Our theory is one of the rulers at the time converted this from a small trading center to a storage area, using some of the trade activity as a cover. Further digging will reveal more," he said. In a brief statement at the White House, press secretary Ari Flesicher announced the find and said, "We told you so." 
IRAQIS FORGET TO BE THANKFULNo Garlands, No Kisses, No Wild Parties Bush City (formerly Baghdad) - (GIN) - Iraqis gathered by the thousands in an around mosques and shrines throughout the country to celebrate the freedom to worship and to urge in no uncertain terms that the U.S. "get out". Cries of "thank you" were not heard among the celebrants. "We listened for 'thank you' and we didn't hear it," said Sgt. Mortal Funf of the Hell On Wheels platoon of the 1st Marines. "At one point Shorty thought he heard a thank you but it, well, it wasn't the word 'thank', if you know what I mean." Trained on film footage of the U.S. liberating France in WWII, Army and Marine servicemen and women said they were stunned. "I thought there'd be a parade, with flowers and champagne, and pretty women running out to kiss me," said Pvt. Humpty Gersnabb of Lower Applecore, Wisconsin. "Instead they just shouted for us to leave, like we hadn't done anything for them." "Our men faced alot of tragedy in this war, but this absence of a thank you is especially tragic. I feel for them," said Major Malk Patland, a veteran of Grenada. Patland said the absence of 'thank yous' and the almost immediate demands to get out might make recruiting more difficult. "It's one thing to join the Army to libertate oppressed people. It's another when the liberated people don't appreciate it. It makes you wonder what this war was about," he said. STATE DEPT: "SYRIA BEHIND 9/11 ATTACKS" Powell: "Evidence Overwhelming, Convincing, Irrefutable, Undeniable, Devastating, Proof Positive, End Of Story, Period" by Michael Adler & Gilbert Hurricane Homeland H.Q. (formerly Washington D.C.) - (GNS) - Secretary of State Colin Powell unveiled previously classified documents detailing Syria’s intimate involvement in the 9-11 attacks yesterday. The documents include photos, audio and video tapes, and reams of paper with underlined and highlighted sections of Arabic writing. "There you have it," said Powell to a startled audience of reporters and foreign diplomats. Powell said the photos prove Syrian president Bashar Assad acted as a body double for both Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. He produced a tape recording of a conversation between Osama bin Laden and Bashar Assad. It revealed that Bashar Assad was planning to be the 20th hijacker, but bin Laden said he would better serve the cause by oppressing the people of Syria. Powell played a portion of the tape over and over. Assad: "Please." Bin Laden: "No." Assad: "Please." Bin Laden: "I said no." Assad: "But I want to." Bin Laden: "What part of no don't you understand?" Powell said the tape was recently found underneath a stack of propaganda leaflets in a backroom at the CIA office in Afghanistan. "They said it was temporarily lost, and because it was mislabeled as a Dixie Chicks tape they had not listened to it until finding it last week," he explained. The recording was secretly but legally taped in August of 2001, under provisions of the USA PATRIOT act, passed in September 2001, Powell said. Powell also produced a video of Bashar Assad torturing captives. The picture was blurred, but Powell that it is indeed Assad, and not a clip from the TV show The Agency co-starring David Glennon, who looks a bit like Assad. Powell said the tape was scheduled to run on all TV networks 1000 times a day until the public supports a war to liberate the people of Syria. The final and most damning piece of evidence, according to Powell, was a box cutter recovered from the World Trade Center wreckage. Powell said it has a sticker marked "Made in Syria" and an inscription that reads "Have fun killing Americans and may Allah be with you, your pal Bashar Assad, Dictator of Syria." Some analysts think it strange that the inscription is written in English, but Powell suggested it was obvious that it was meant to be found. Powell also said there was "incontrovertible evidence Syria possesses weapons of mass destruction." He said President Bush planned to give a televised address, telling the American people "Bashar Assad has weapons of mass destruction that he could give to his buddy Osama bin Laden, who will use them against our homeland." "Syria is running out of time," Powell said. 
Bulletin Fictional Times Exclusive DARYL GATES BROUGHT IN TO QUELL IRAQI LOOTING Chief Sets Up CP At Florence & Normandie Kuweight City - (GIN) - Former LAPD Police Chief Daryl Gates was recruited by General Tummy Franksanbeans to stop the looting in Umm Qasr, Basra, and Baghdad, Centcom announced earlier today. Gates, who quelled the L.A. riots after the Rodney King cop-beaters' verdict in 1992 after three or four or maybe five days is thought of as the best riot queller and looter queller in the country, Franksanbeans said. Gates' specialty is letting riots and looting run rampant for "a couple of days" while dining with his men, then cracking down "like there's no tomorrow," Franksanbeans said. "We dropped leaflets saying 'Can't we all get along?' and it didn't work," Franksanbeans said, "so we had no choice." Gates will work from the safety of Kuwait City, with the rest of his Command Post stationed at Florence and Normandie in L.A., "just in case." "Iraqis are just another potential group of L.A. immigrants and residents," Gates said. "Teaching them not to loot here may help us stateside in the long run." Gates said his men, former LAPD cops, would "crack heads, use tear gas, and even chokeholds if necessary, to restore law and order." "I'm pretty sure we can use chokeholds here. After all, it's a war, these people have been liberated and they haven't even thanked us yet. Time for them to learn some manners," Gates said. British forces who have failed to control Basra welcomed Gates and his men. "Hip hip, jolly good, good hunting and all that," they said in unison. SYRIA WARNED NOT TO BE SYRIA "Keep It Up And You're Next" Homeland HQ (formerly Washington D.C.) - (GNS) - Secretary of State Colin Prowl warned Syria to not be Syria and quit their support of Iraq yesterday, in no uncertain terms. "We know you fucked up Lebanon in '76. We know you have aspirations for a greater Syria like the Assyrian empire of olden days. We know you provide sanctuary for a variety of terrorist groups. And we know you're supplying weapons to Iraq. Keep it up and you're next!," Prowl said. Syria, a harsh dictatorship known for its harsh dictatorship, denied sending aid to Iraq. "What do you think, we're crazy?" Syrian Foreign Minister Al Ach-ach Chumed said. "We're a peace-loving peoples, honest. As for Lebanon, well, you know, the Bekaa valley, lots of poppies." Prowl denied a war against Syria would be a war for drugs. "We're not in it for oil or drugs. If we were, we sure as hell wouldn't be supporting Israel," Prowl said. Recent polls show increasing support for a U.S. invasion of Syria in order to accomplish regime change, secure the poppy fields, remove one of Israel's enemies, and create a state where additional Bush offspring can be a governor. "If you think about it, it makes sense to invade Syria," said Dr. Emile Lola, Director of the Sense & Sensibility Institute at Rutger University. "Syria has never been an ally, except briefly during the Gulf War. True, they've never attacked us, but they've always been a pain in the ass." Lola recently published a much-applauded essay titled "The Pain In The Ass Doctrine Of Intervention". Jordan, Israel and Egypt all said they would support a war against Syria. "Nobody likes them," they said in a joint statement. Even Saudi Arabia, which does not border Syria, said it would support a war. "Better them than us," said foreign minister Faisal bin Faisal. "Hey, the longer we can keep you guys from focusing on us, the better." Syria issued a statement criticizing western countries for not remaining thoroughly entrenched with 8th Century values. All talk of diplomacy was tabled to the next meeting, which has yet to be scheduled.
"BENNETT GAMBLED FOR OUR SINS" | Atlantic City, NJ - (GNS) - William Bennett, the self-appointed Virtue Czar admitted losing over eight million dollars gambling on slot machines. Eight million dollars!!!!!! In his new book, "Bennett Gambled For Our Sins", he explains that he did it for us. Bennett will be depicted on the cover, nailed to a cross. Hanging from his toes will be a sign that reads "Loose slots". 100% TAX CUT PROPOSED "Cutting Taxes Creates Jobs; Let's Create All The Jobs We Can" Cincinnati, OH - (GNS) - President Bush took critics and his own supporters by surprise today as he called for a one hundred percent tax cut. "You heard me," he said. President Bush has been speaking around the country, drumming up support for his tax cut proposal, under attack from Democrats and some members of his own party. "They say they want jobs created. This tax cut'll create jobs. They want it to be an itty bitty cut. So how many jobs do they want? I say cutting taxes creates jobs, let's create all the jobs we can," Bush told an audience in Cincinnati. Bush then announced his new plan for a one hundred percent cut. "Nothin' itty bitty about that," he said. He challenged Democrats and "those misguided members of my own party" to join him in "making history that counts." "We just created history over in Iraq. Let's create some history here," he said. Immediate reaction to the proposal was not swift, as most opponents said they were stunned by the "breadth of the cluelessness", as one put it. Bush aides said privately that the president would probably settle for a ninety percent cut, but the only way to get that was to go "whole hog."  MONTY PYTHON ARRESTED FOR SPAM 2-Year Investigation Of "Plague of the Internet" Centers On Cult Figure Lundun, Ingland - (GIN) - English cult figure and notorious recluse Monty Python was arrested yesterday at his house in New Hampshireshire for creation, possession and distribution of worldwide spam. "Mr. Python is the singular figure responsible, the kingpin, of Organized Spam in the world," said Inspector Right Jollyo of Scotland Yard. Spam is estimated to cost individuals and corporations billions of dollars a year, according the people who study that sort of thing. Jollyo said clues were numerous, beginning with a video message sent to his subordinates that featured Python saying the word Spam over and over again. The trick, according to Jollyo, was to catch the recluse with the goods. Although Jollyo is optimistic about the effect Python's capture will have on worldwide Spam, others are dubious. "There is no silver bullet," said Lisa Pollock, the senior director of messaging at Yahoo, the popular Web portal. "There will always be people who can find a way to get around whatever you have in place." In the United States, the U.S. Congress is seriously considering legislation to crack down on spam. "We beat Iraq, we can beat Spam. We've got the troops, the know-how, the can-do, the gung-ho-- hell, we've got all the hyphens and then some!" declared Sen. Bobble Graham (R.FL). Barristers for Mr. Python maintain there is nothing wrong with Spam. "It's a legitimate market tool," Terrance Idling declared, nudging those who stood near him. Python is somewhat of a cult figure in England, having known the Beatles. Python supporters gathered outside Scotland Yard waving signs that read "I'm a lumberjack and it's okay." Investigators said this is part of the Spam code used by Spamists throughout the world. This is not Python's first arrest. He was indicted for trafficking in dead parrots 35 years ago. 
STRAWBERRY THEFT SOLVED! Missing Duplicate Mess-Room Key Found In Baghdad Bush City (formerly Baghdad), Iraq - (GIN) - US Marines, Navy Seals and CIA operatives, working together behind enemy lines on a highly classified secret mission, solved one of the most enduring mysteries of World War II yesterday. "We found the missing duplicate mess-room key," Captain Mel Frair announced. "We know who stole the strawberries." US officials had insisted for years that Iraq possessed the mess-room key. "Blix looked but he didn't find it so he said they didn't have it," Frair said. "But we found it." The finding of the key will exonerate Commander Queeq, Frair said, and restore the former captain of the U.S.S. Caine to the prominent status he deserved. "Queeq said all along there was a duplicate key. He proved it at his court martial with scientific logic, but they wouldn't believe him," Frair said. Iraqi officials said their soldiers ate strawberries during the war with Iran. 
BUSH, BLAIR PLAN LIBERATION OF NORTHERN IRELANDCoalition Forces Will Fight On Both Sides To Ensure Victory Potato, Ireland - (GIN) - President George War Bush announced today the U.S. and England would invade Northern Ireland "to liberate the Irish and restore democracy." "For too long the Irish have suffered the tyranny of their own actions. Now is the time to end this feud," Bush said. "We are grateful for the president's assistance," Blair said. Bush and Blair agreed the Coalition would take both sides in the long, bitter, violent dispute, rather than sort out whether or not there was a "good guy" and a "bad guy". Bush conceded "this might seem unreasonable, but the need for war to achieve peace sometimes supplants reason." Blair conceded he taught Bush the word "supplant". Bulgaria, one of the first nations to join the Coalition of the Drilling in Iraq, said it would participate in this war. "What the hey," said Bulgarian Prime Minister Mikial Zim. A suggestion by Russian president Putinon Theritz to liberate China was tabled. 
MOVIE STUDIO PRESSURED TO SUSPEND FILMING OF "THE WARRIOR AND THE GEEK" "Depiction Of Battle Between War and State Not Appropriate At This Time" Hollywould, CA - (GNS) - Filming of the big budget, high concept dark comedy "The Warrior And The Geek" was halted yesterday after a phone call from an Undisclosed Location. According to sources working on the Martin Lawrence movie, Vice President Cheney told producers that "any depiction of the battle between Rumsfeld and Powell for how post-war Iraq would be divided up was not appropriate at this time." "You must stop this now, for national security reasons," Cheney reportedly told the film producers. "At stake is the governance of post-war Iraq," according to Columbia University professor of Post-War Governance Hank Wolfwhiz. "In order to ensure the beginnings of a democratic culture there we must restrict free speech and certain commerce here in the homeland." "This interference goes way beyond trying to censor anti-war statements at the Oscars," said film producer Peter Zenger. Zenger was scheduled to be blacklisted later this month, according to the Hollywood Complicity Guild. Although carefully guarded, portions of the film script have been leaked. One plotline depicts the CIA allying with Powell and the FBI and Homeland Security allying with Rumsfeld. Another depicts Powell settling for the poppy fields in exchange for Cheney getting the oil. And during the third act climax Rumsfeld is tried by the World Court for War Crimes and argues strongly that his never having been in the military, especially during Vietnam, should mitigate his sentence, whereas Powell, who was part of the My Lai cover-up is "guilty, guilty, guilty". Meanwhile, in a reference to Dr. Doolittle, Powell teaches the Iraqis to sing "It's A Small World After All" and addresses the UN with "evidence that will prove a connection between Al Qaeda and the KKK." Observers suggest that the administration has tried to downplay the fight between Rumsfeld and Powell but that this action will only serve to heighten focus on it. "Perhaps that's Cheney's intent," said Richard Third, a Political Science professor at the University of Virginia. "While some see this whole conflict as New Testament versus the Koran, it is more accurate to interpret it as Shakespeare versus Ali Baba & The Forty Thieves," Third said. "It is much more Shakespearian for two of the King's top ministers to be fighting over the governance of a conquered country." "And if we think of Cheney as the man who believes his destiny is to rule, what better way than to set his opponents against each other?" Third said. Presidential Press Secretary Ari Flyspeck denounced Third's comments as unpatriotic. "Don and Colin are great friends. They golf. This is not Shakespeare. The president doesn't read Shakespeare," Flyspeck said. Flyspeck confirmed that Cheney read Shakespeare "in his youth, before he knew better." The Office of Homeland Security confirmed that they will investigate Shakespeare as soon as they have finished prosecuting Zenger.
CLINTON INVESTIGATED FOR NOT FLYING IN NAVY JET |
Norfuhk, VA - (GNS) - Former President Bill Clinton is under investigation for never having flown in a Navy Jet and landing on a carrier. "We expect this investigation to take five years and cost the taxpayer forty-six million dollars," investigators said. "We thought we were through with this guy, and then he pulls a stunt like this," said one attorney who has been investigating Clinton since before he was born. "My flight in that jet restored morality to the Oval Office," President Bush said in his only comment on the scandal. STUDY: CIVILIZATION BEGAN IN TEXAS Michael Adler, Staff Writer Sugarland, TX - (GNS) - The CATO Institute released a startling study revealing that Texas was the true birthplace of Western civilization yesterday. Historians formerly considered Mesopotamia to be the origin of civilization, specifically the fertile crescent between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers in what is now Iraq. Archaeological evidence supporting this popular theory had been stored in the Baghdad Museum, but thieves and vandals destroyed it all, and no evidence currently exists to support the historical claim. The CATO Institute revealed its findings at a press conference here in Sugarland. Key to the revelation was the unearthing of a cave near San Antonio containing ancient inscriptions on its walls, such as "Don’t mess with Texas." The inscriptions date back to approximately 12,000 B.C. Ancient Texans spread civilization trough the Folsom Culture east through Tennessee and South Carolina, across to Africa and Europe then further east to "Mesopotamia". The spread also went westward, according to the CATO study, moving through Arizona and California to Japan and Australia then to China and India. The study said ancient longhorn steer bones, cowboy boot heels and human feces with BBQ beans have been found that support this theory. "In the absence of any other theory, it's clear that this is the correct one," the study reads, in part. President Bush attended the announcement. "It’s great to hear that civilization was created here in the land of the free, rather than in the home of the terrorists. Like those cave-dwellers said, don’t mess with Texas," he said. 
RUMSFELD GETS ANGRY AGAINScrunched Face Has Doctors, US Enemies Alarmed Homeland H.Q. (formerly Washington D.C.) - (GNS) - Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld got angry again yesterday. This was the seven hundred and eleventh time Rumsfeld has gotten angy since the War Against Saddam began. Observers noted if this keeps up he would lose his reputation for being jovial and convivial. Rumsfeld's doctors expressed alarm, as did countries on the US Enemies List. "We're alarmed," said Dr. Marcus Welby. "Anger's not good. He's got have a healthy outlet. Racquetball, war, something." "All I know is when this guy gets angry, bombs fall," said one foreign diplomat no longer living in his nation's capitol. Rumsfeld admitted to being somewhat angry but angrily denied being exceptionally angry. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" he said. Yesterday's anger was apparently directed at unknown sources within the military who told reporters the U.S. was planning some long-term bases in Iraq. Rumsfeld insisted that wasn't true. He did clarify that the U.S. does want some long-term agreements that would allow use of specific airfields, if necessary. Recently Rumsfeld got angry when he denied the U.S. had any intention of invading Syria. This was preceeded by his anger at Syria for aiding Iraq. His anger at Iraq was premised on its hiding of chemical and biological weapons of mass destruction and at the U.N. inspectors for failing to find these weapons. Rumsfeld is expected to be angry tomorrow and in the coming weeks that these weapons of mass destruction have not been found. Rumors that Jack Nicholson will try to help Rumsfeld with his anger do not have any basis, according to Colin Powell, long-time adversary of Rumsfeld. Powell, of course, did not exactly tell the truth to the U.N. before the war. Nicholson could not be reached for commment. DISNEY AWARDED CONTRACT TO REBUILD IRAQ U.N., Knott's Berry Farm, Carlsbad Caverns Lose Out Anaheim, CA - (GNS) - The Bush administration awarded the Disney Corporation the first major contract today in a vast reconstruction plan for Iraq that assigns no position of authority to the United Nations or Europe. The contract, which was awarded by the United States Agency for International Development, had set off a heated contest among some of the nation's most politically connected amusement park concerns. The award will initially pay Disney 34 million in "Mickey Dollars" and could go up to 680 million over 18 months. Disney's initial designs for Iraq include "InvasionLand", "BibleLand", "BioChem Materials Secret Hideout Land", "KurdLand", "Desert Warfare Land", "MuslimLand", "Weapons of Mass Destruction Secret Hideout Land", and "Hall of the Dictators". The reconstruction of Iraq as a theme park is part of a broad American-led effort to stabilize the country and set up a new government that will have a steady income base from tourism. United Nations officials complained that the Bush Administration was shutting it out of any postwar role. Bush Administration officials replied Disney also won a contract to reconstruct the U.N. as an amusement park. "We want to do our bit to help New York City and the world. The U.N. under Disney will generate revenue and provide better entertainment than the current U.N.," an administration spokesman said. BUSH SR., CLINTON TO LEAD POST-WAR IRAQ TEAM "We Will Rebuild Iraq," Former Presidents Promise Homeland HQ (formerly Washington, D.C.) - (GNS) - Presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton will lead the team that will rebuild Iraq, Secretary of State Colin Prowl announced today. "If you're going to create democracy, what better way than with a Republican and a Democract?" Prowl said. Bush said he was up to the task. "When my son calls, I hop to. He's the president now, you know," Bush said. Clinton said he was grateful to be included. "I know many of the Republicans think of me as someone who spent my eight years getting blowjobs, but I dropped a fair share of bombs on Iraq, too. I've got the credentials," he said. Both presidents admitted building democracy in a war-torn state populated by devoutly religious people of fiercely different views would not be easy. "You've got your Shee-yites, Soonies, Kerds and I don't know what else," Bush said. "But I think if we can get them to think of themselves as Baptists and Presbyterians and Episcopalians, we can get them to live together in peace." Clinton said the key would first be to meet with as many Iraqis as possible and "feel their pain". Bush said his son Neil and others involved in the S&L scandals of the late 80s would accompany him as part of the team. Clinton said Dick Morris would accompany him. "These folks have to learn democracy includes the possibility of excess liberty, corporate theft, greed, and hypocrisy," Bush said. "It's not all a thousand points of light." Prowl said the two presidents and their team would be flown to Kuwait City, then into Baghdad. "It's a first," Prowl said, "and this time Bush will certainly be in the loop." HUSSEIN DISAPPEARS, SARS SPREADS Investigators Search For The Al Qaeda Connection Atlanta - (GNS) - The Pentagon, the CIA, and the CDC announced yesterday they are grappling with a new, serious, threatening mystery. SARS. "SARS is a new disease spreading rapidly, and weapons of mass destruction and conventional weapons seem to have no effect," said Dr. Clooney Er of the CDC. "It's such a mystery, we don't even know what the letters SARS stand for," he said. Coupled with the new disease is the disappearance of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "We can't prove the two are related but we're positive they are," said General Locken Load. "It would be just like Hussein to launch this weapon through the back door, China," Load said. "And there is no doubt there is probably a possible link to Al Qaeda," said Will Spy of the CIA. "As a matter of fact, this could be the link we've been searching for. It all makes sense, especially if we say it over and over," Spy said. Er said the disease appears to be containable if people wear white surgical masks, and wear their underwear outside their pants. Vice President Cheney reportedly owns a significant interest in a surgical mask company. Er urged everyone to purchase a mask, and practice using the word "stat". 
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