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SUPREME COURT BOGARTS MEDICAL MARIJUANA Medical Booze Still Okay Washington D.C. - (GNS) - By a vote of 8-0 the Supreme Court quashed efforts to allow the use of Marijuana for medicinal purposes this morning. This despite the fact that voters in Arizona, Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Nevada, Oregon and Washington have approved ballot initiatives allowing the use of medical marijuana. In Hawaii, the legislature passed a similar law and the governor signed it last year. Writing for the majority, Justice Clarence "Coke" Thomas said: "This Court is only interested in State's Rights when the question is one of the threat posed by national environmental health regulations vs. property rights and self-rule, and the threat posed by national worker health and safety regulations vs. the right to make a profit. When it comes to drugs that we say are bad, we must crush the opposition like a lynch-mob facing a lone, minority figure." Reams of FBI documents and other government documents supporting the use of marijuana for medical purposes were reported to be missing. "I know obscenity when I see it, and medical marijuana to ease the pain and suffering of the victims of AIDS, cancer, multiple sclerosis and other illnesses, is obscene," said Justice Scalia. In a related opinion, the Court ruled praying for the ill is illegal. "There is no scientific evidence it works. Only anecdotal," said Justices Thomas and Scalia. Justice Rehnquist, apparently suffering from a headache, adjourned the hearing after the ruling and the Justices went for drinks at a nearby bar. Thomas reportedly ordered a "Coke 'n' pubic hair," while the others drank Scotch, Bourbon, Martinis, Screwdrivers, Bloody Marys, White Russians, Tequila, and one Colorado Motherfucker.  A new film by Francis Ford Coppola |
 SILVIO BERLUSCONI WINS ITALIAN ELECTION Slow News Day Plagues Globe Lasagna, Italy - (IGN) - Media mogul and suspected tax evader Silvio Berlusconi won election to whatever is the highest office in Italy and newspapers around the world put it on their front page on what must be an incredibly slow news day. Berlusconi'a positions on pizza, olive oil, vegetarian lasagna, and pepperoni were not clear during the campaign. His position on Sophia Loren was pronounced. The election, the five hundred and eleventh in the last 50 years (or something ridiculous like that) might or might not mark a shift in the politics of a relatively inconsequential nation. Analysts looking for meaning that can be applied to the United States suggested that this election may pave the way for someone powerful, well-connected, and tainted with scandal to be elected to high office.
FBI BOMBS CASE | McVeigh To Be Shot While Transported To New Cell Terre Haute, IN - (GNS) - Following the revelation the FBI screwed up again, government sources announced non-Arab terrorist bomber and decorated Gulf War veteran Timothy "First Offense" McVeigh will be shot by an irate strip club owner while being transported to a new cell. "It's a tried and true method of execution, and doesn't require volumes of paperwork," informed sources said. "And it allows for maxiumum plausible deniability," sources said. "I know nothing," said acting FBI director Sergeant Schultz. The government last used this scenario to kill non-Arab fall-guy Lee Harvey Oswald. Finding an irate strip club owner in Terre Haute may be difficult, sources conceded. "We may have to get someone from the Columbia Music Club," he said. FICTIONAL TIMES NEWS IN BRIEF: Texas Governor Signs Hate Crimes Bill Austin, TX - (GNS) - Governor Joe Bob Bowie signed the new Texas Hate Crimes Bill yesterday. "I hate crimes," he said. Cockatoo Sought in Blake's Wife's Murder Los Angeles, CA - (UGN) - Los Angeles police confirmed they are seeking a talking Cockatoo named Fred who may have witnessed the murder of Robert Blake's wife. Fred, known to millions as the star of the TV show 'Baretta', retired recently to Brentwood, but was a frequent visitor to Blake's home, and often accompanied him to dinner. According to police, the Cockatoo was last seen "looking disheveled and wanting a cracker" on Hollywood Boulevard. Satirist Douglas Adams Dies At 49 Santa Barbara, CA - (UGN) - Douglas Adams, author of 'Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy', died of a heart attack yesterday at 49, thus proving the answer is not 42.  Dylan Turns 60, Can't Be Trusted Twice Malibu, CA - (UGN) - Poet-Legend Bob Dylan turned 60 years old, leading critics to suggest he can't be trusted twice, "because he's 30 plus 30." Admirers leapt to his defense, saying "Don't trust him twice, it's alright." 
|  PAKISTANI DOCTOR JAILED FOR BLASPHEMY Scopes, Pakistan - (GIN) - A Pakistani doctor and teacher was jailed for saying the alleged prophet Muhammed was not circumcised. Dr. Younus Shaikh is accused by the government of Pakistan of blasphemy, a crime punishable by death. Students and clerics were set to burn him alive when they discovered government documents allowing murderous, uncivilized, idiotic, narrowminded, and unenlightened behavior were missing. "Oh sure, he is in jail now," said Muhammed Walawala, "but once we find those documents, we will execute him." Dr. Shaikh told his class in physiology that the alleged prophet Muhammed would not have been circumcised, because that was not a practice when Muhammed was born. World protest has been swift but uneven. "It's not right they jail him for blasphemy," said a Vatican spokesperson. "That's our job." "If everyone was a Christian, this would not be happening," declared Gary Bauer, Christian Without Porfolio, to an audience of Irish Protestants and Catholics at Bob Dublin University. "Yer so right!" the audience responded as they stood, sending the weapons in their laps clattering to the floor. Islam, the national religion of Pakistan, is incomprehensible to most Westerners. "Jeez, it's not like he burned a flag," said Wally Ferklumptenreich, a student at the Douglas MacArthur Flag & Bible College For Boys. "Besides, they oughta be glad he's not circumcised. Hell, you wouldn't want a Jew in charge, would you?"
AMERICANS CLAMOR FOR HIGHER GAS PRICES | Government Responds Quickly To Public's Demand Washington D.C. - (GNI) - Americans gathered at gas stations, houses of worship, ballfields and bars, rallying to support higher gasoline prices. And the Bush Administration declared they are working as hard as they can to ensure "prices that go through the roof," said Vice President & Energy Czar & Energy Corporation Stockholder Dick "Richard" Cheney. "High gas prices good," said President Bush, in his carefully-scripted four-word speech to the Veterans Of Oil Companies convention in Midland, Texas. "I'm so happy," gushed Martha Plodfungshway. "I've waited all my life to pay $2.50 a gallon, and I'm praying it goes up another dollar," she said. "What's good for the American-Arab Oil Interests is good for the U.S.A.," said Lyle Abner as he whipped his last few dollar bills out of his wallet to pay for gas. "I've heard stories of when gas was only twenty-five cents a gallon," said Timmy Glump, age 11. "But I've also heard stories about a time when America was actually commiting itself to alternative energy, solar power, conservation, and energy independence from foreign oil. I don't believe in fairy tales," he declared. Administration officials said it will be tough, but breaking out to $5 a gallon by July 4 is possible.  U.S. RESUMES SPYING; CHINA REFUSES TO RETURN SPY PLANE Pentagon, VA - (GMN) - The U.S. resumed spying on China so China refused to return the captured U.S. spy plane. "Duh," said informed sources.  FLORIDA IMPLEMENTS VOICE VOTE TO REPLACE MACHINES Tallahassee, FL - (IGN) - Governor Jeb Bush and Secretary of Stolen Elections Katherine Harris announced Florida would implement the voice-vote system for its next election. "It's simple, and everyone knows how it works," Bush said. "Here's how it works," Harris explained. "The voter registrar in each county will ask 'How many are for Candidate X?' The people voting for Candidate X will say 'Aye'. Then the registrar will ask how many are for Candidate Y. Candidate Y's supporters will say 'Aye'. The registrar will then report who got more." Bush said this program would be easy and cost-effective. "There's no machinary to foul anything up." Opponents of the plan submitted an alternative, called The Satellite Photo Voting System. That plan would call for people supporting Candidate X to step outside for fifteen minutes at a prearranged time on election day. Anyone not supporting Candidate X would remain inside. The satellite would take a photo of the state. Then the supporters of Candidate X would step inside, and the supporters of Candidate Y would step outside to be photographed. The photos would be analyzed by CIA and NASA specialists and a winner would be announced. "It's much more reliable," said proponent Theordore "Telly" Hubble. "You get a clear winner, and a souvenir photo," he said.  one of several rogue missile shield sites recently constructed by rogue nations and rogue terrorists around the world and in Oklahoma and Idaho
GIULIANI SCREWS MISTRESS, FUCKS WIFE | New York, NY - (GNS) - New York Mayor Ralph 'Hey Ralphie Boy' Giuliani, a respected leader of the nation's recent frenzied morality crusade, openly flaunted the fact that his mistress stays with him in the Mayor's Mansion, even though he is still married, and his wife still lives there. When asked how he reconciled this with his criticism of former President Clinton's morality, he replied, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." Morality Czar William Bennett and most of the morality chorus of GOP and Right-wing Christian spokesmen have been silent on the issue. "The Lord did not command 'Thou Shalt Not Be Hypocritical'," Alan Keyes said. "The Bible had many heroic men who took more than one wife, and who the Lord blessed with concubines," Rev. Jerry Falwell said. "The way he's behaving, he could be a Democrat," said former Democrat and ABC news-whore George Stephanopolus. "By that I mean a centrist Democrat, because his behavior would certainly piss off the Naomi Wolf feminist faction of the party." "Mr. Stephanopolus misunderstands Naomi completely," said Mock Journalism Professor Al Gore, not realizing this is a news story about Giuliani and not him or Wolf. "If Giuliani were an Orthodox Jew we wouldn't be having this problem," said Pretend Doctor Laura Schlesinger, explaining that Orthodox Jews don't have marital problems. "Imagine New York City governed by an Orthodox Jew with an Italian name," said Nathan Lane, currently starring in the hit Broadway musical 'The Producers'. "I mean, oy vey." Mrs. Giuliani, an actress who starred in 'The Vagina Monologues', did not comment. Neither did her vagina.  BRITNEY SPEARS, EMINEM, 'N SYNC, SHANIA TWAIN ORGANIZE STOCK AID CONCERTS & Gilbert Hurricane Fictional Times Correspondents New York, NY - (GNS) - The cream of American music announced yesterday they are teaming up to organize and headline a series of benefit concerts to aid the failing stock market. Dubbed "Stock Aid", the concerts will feature Britney Spears, 'N Sync, Eminem, and Shania Twain. "You know, the stock market is in trouble," Spears said at the press conference on Wall Street yesterday. "There comes a time when some people need a helping hand," said 'N Sync, together, simultaneously, in perfect harmony. "We're following in the footsteps of great American musicians like Pete Seeger, Neil Young, and Bob Roberts," Twain said. "And the rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated," she added. Eminem is reportedly working on a song for the event. The working title is, "Save The Stockholders From The Fuckin' Homo Conspiracy To Ruin The World."
FRENCH DEMAND APOLOGY FOR WHITE HOUSE CINCO DE MAYO CELEBRATION | Paris, France - (GIN) - The French Government demanded President Bush apologize for celebrating the Mexican holiday Cinco De Mayo at the White House yesterday. In a blistering statement to a large crowd of press and public gathered at the Louvre, French Prime Minister Chateau Les Miserables-Marseilles declared U.S. celebration of the Mexican holiday was "an insult bordering on an act of war." "Cinco De Mayo is a Mexican holiday celebrating the defeat of the French Liberation Forces in Mexico one hundred and fifty years ago. For the U.S., a conqueror of Mexican territory, to celebrate this holiday is hypocritcal; for the U.S. to insult its only ally in the American Revolution, is unacceptable. There must be an apology," he said. "Sacre bleu," he added. A White House spokesperson said Miserables-Marseilles was making "mountains out of faux pas," but later retracted the statement, insisting it was not a faux pas to celebrate the holiday. The Bush White House has been under a steady stream of criticism during its first hundred days regarding its declarations and retractions and the generally imprecise and incoherent nature of its foreign policy. Vice President Cheney was reported to be particularly upset at the French demand. "They've got alot of gaul," he said. It was unclear if the comment was meant to be ironic, as France was known as Gaul before it became known as France. The newly formed White House Office of Carefully Worded Apologies was closed for the holiday and is expected to comment soon. SOPRANOS ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE SUES TV SHOW New York, NY - (IGN) - People who sing so high up there you suspect their balls have been cut off sued the TV show The Sopranos in Federal Court yesterday for defamation. "It's a total misrepresentation," declared Al "High Note" Pussy. "They got us whackin' people. We don't whack people, we sing." "They're defamin' us," Tony "Screechy" Pavgotti said. "We live peaceful lives, we don' bother nobody, an' when we congregate, it's not at a strip club. When we congregate, it's a rehearsal or concert or somethin'." "Fuggetaboutit," added Pussy. The suit claims the show glorifies gangsters and mobsters at the expense of singers, especially opera singers. "I go for an audition, people're terrified. They think my violinist is gonna pull a gun outta his case," said Pavgotti. "My pa was a soprano, his pa before him, an' his, all the back to the old country. It's a family business. They got no right," Pussy said. The suit seeks an injunction against series, calling for it to be taken off the air until the name is changed. "They should change it to 'The Tenors'. That'd be accurate," Pavgotti said. "Tenors're wild," Pussy agreed. "One time this tenor, he didn't get along with the Conductor. They hurled threats at each other. Two days later, the Conductor's gone. I heard he turned up in Jersey, without his baton." Producer David Chase replied to questions about the suit. "Fuggetaboutit," he said.
U.N. SENDS U.S. TO PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE FOR HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS |
New York, NY - (GNS) - The U.N. Commission on Human Rights sent the U.S. to the Principal's office for its long record of human rights abuses and hypocrisy. While the meeting in the Principal's office was closed to the public, reliable sources report the Principal was upset less about U.S. human rights violations than its failure to live up to its goals and ideals. "Nobody expects Lybia or Sudan to care about human rights," the Principal reportedly said, "But the U.S. says it cares, so it should." Sources said of particular concern was the failure of the U.S. to support a Landmines Treaty. "Really, what the hell are you thinking?" the Principal reportedly demanded to know. After the closed session, U.N. Ambassador Dan Quayle was required to write on the board one hundred times: I will not be hipocriticale. I will not be hipocriticale. PRESIDENT BUSH DELIVERS SATURDAY RADIO ADDRESS IN SPANISH TEXT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S SPEECH: - Ola. Como esta usted? Muy bien. Me llama George W. Bush. Yo se el jefe de notre americano. Es muy, muy grande. Si. El Presidente de Gringos. No cabeza de vaca. No El paso. Sierra lito lindo, amigos. Aye yi yi yi. Zapatas. Cinco de Mayo. Guantanamera. Guajira guantamera. Nafta. Gatt. La cuca racha. Donde es el banjo? Donde es el banditoes? Frito bandito. Uno, dos, tres, quatro. Wooly Bully. Tamales, tacos, burritos. Antonio Baderas. Jimmy Smits. Jennifer Lopez. Vera Cruz. Gracias. De nada. Vaya con Dios.
KIDS CONFUSED; IS BUSH A PRESIDENT OR A BEER? |
Ann Arbor, MI - (GNS) - Polls conducted by the University of Michigan Sociology Department & Football Team show youths are confused by and about President Bush. Most think Bush is a beer. When asked "What is Bush?", 37% replied, "Beer." Twenty-one percent replied, "Beer, man." And 12% replied, "Yo, it's a beer." Four percent replied, "It's lousy beer." Only 18% replied with an answer that included the word "president", but forty-six percent of those said, "It's a beer that ran for president." When asked, "Who is the president?", 67% answered, "That's a good question." Twelve percent said they thought it was someone from Florida. Eight percent said they thought The Rock should be president. Only ten percent got the answer right. When asked about the recent flip-flops and foreign policy shifts regarding China, many said, "Yeah, I don't drink beer made in China. I think it's made from sweat, you know, in the shops where they make these shoes I'm wearing, see?" Some said, "It's confusing." And nearly no one said, "It marks a dangerous direction, and is a clear indication that this administration has no real foreign policy." When asked about bipartisanship and civility, an overwhelming number denied being bipartisan, but said bipartisans ought to have equal rights. Youths split almost evenly, 52%-48% over whether or not beer makes one more or less civil. "If I drink a little, I'm mellow. If I drink alot, I'm mean. But if I get shitfaced, I'm outta here," said one youth. When asked about Anhauser, eighty-one percent said he was Vice President.  back to crowd for no discernable reason BUSH PUSHES WHITE HOUSE LAWN BASEBALL AND MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD FOR 2ND HUNDRED DAYS Washington D.C. - (GPI) -President George W. Bush declared today "the backyard is big enough for baseball, and you wouldn't want little leaguers killed by missiles launched by rogue nations," at a lunch for a bipartisan group of conservative and right-wing Republicans. "That's just not the way we want our kids to die," he said. "We're going to-- one-point-six is uh-- they can play ball-- defend Taiwan-- restore civility-- spend this money on this missile, uh, missile defense-- shield-- rogue nations," Bush said. "Free trade, Alaska, fetus," he added. COMMISSION TO CONDEMN MUSIC INDUSTRY CONDEMNS MUSIC INDUSTRY Washington D.C. - (GIN) - Another fucking government commission, this time the Fucking Trade Commission, announced today that the fucking music industry was fucking responsible for screwing up kids by engaging in ordinary fucking capitalism in response to ordinary fucking demands of ordinary fucking stockholders and consumers. The fucking committee denied it wanted to fucking censor the fucking music industry, although fucking Senator Joe Lieberman (fucking D.- Conn) did announce he would propose some fucking regulatory legislation. The fucking committee declined to comment on the fucking connection between fucking violence in the fucking real world as a major fucking cause of violence and instead fucking concentrated on the fucking song lyrics as the fucking primary causal factor. "Police shootings and beatings that go unpunished, military bombings and accidents that go unpunished, light sentences for celebrities wielding guns and abusing women, these have nothing to do with influencing the behavior of young people," said FTC chair Cotton Mather. "It's the lyrics," he insisted. Fucking music industry leaders defended their fucking free speech rights and released a statement defending their fucking business decisions. "Congress shall make no fucking law abridging free fucking speech," the statement said in part. Lenny Bruce could not be reached to fucking comment.
U.S. INSPECTORS FIND MISSING IRAQI NERVE GAS IN SPY PLANE |
Hainan, China - (IGN) - U.S. inspectors dispatched to discover the state of the Chinese-held U.S. spy plane announced a startling discovery yesterday. The plane contains several cannisters of Iraqi nerve gas. "This appears to be the gas we were looking for a few years ago, in Iraq," said Inspector Don Bridges. "I can't explain it." "The game's afoot," declared Inspector Holmes. "Here's what we know," said Inspector Columbo. "We know we sold Iraq alot of weapons, classified weapons-- that was years ago, back when they were our friends and we wanted them to make war with the Iranians. We know after our war with Iraq, to restore democracy to Kuwait, we couldn't find the nerve gas. We had inspectors all over the place and we just couldn't find it anywhere. We know that China trades with Iran, supplying them weapons. Weapons we don't want them to have. Because we haven't been friends with Iran since, well, since the guy the CIA put in when we ousted the elected guy was thrown out-- boy, it was a real mess. The fellas downtown, well, they'll never hear the end of it. But, on this case, we know one of the reasons we were in Vietnam was to contain the Chinese-- well, that was alleged at the time. We know that one of the reasons we've supported the genocidal regimes in Indonesia is to contain southeast Asia. We know we were spying on China, listening to their radio traffic, to see how much music piracy was going on-- the pirating of American music. They do that. They steal our music. It's a terrible thing. Now, what we don't know is how the Iraqi nerve gas wound up in our plane." "Maybe the Chinese put it there," deputy Inspector Watson suggested. "One more thing," Columbo said, "And I don't know if this means anything, but they did get some of our secret stuff from the plane. The boys didn't destroy everything." The Inspectors said they will continue to pursue every lead. "We will work this until we can declare the case is sol-ved!" said Inspector Clouseau. DANGEROUS DISNEY TREE RIDE CLOSED Anaheim, CA - (GNS) - Disney officials closed the Tree Ride at Disneyland yesterday after a malfunction injured 23 people and frightened hundreds more. The Tree Ride, opened last year, features a tree that appears to be standing still, but suddenly lurches, as if caught in a tornado. "This time it lurched too much," Mickey Disney, Vice President of Frequent Malfunctions & Accidents said. "It fell over and hit people." Several witnesses reported seeing large block letters appear as the tree hit the sidewalk nearby. Some say the letters spelled KA-THUMP while other say it was KE-RASH.
U.S. SOLDIERS KILLED CIVILIANS IN VIETNAM; INVESTIGATIONS, INQUIRIES, HEARINGS UNLIKELY; |
RANDOM CONVERSATIONS POSSIBLE Arlington, VA - (IGN) - Revelations that former U.S. Senator Bob "Bob" Kerrey and seven other Navy SEALS killed civilians during a nighttime raid near Da Doo Ron Bay in 1969 during the Vietnam War stunned the nation's media last week, leading many who pay attention to say, "Hey, this isn't news. All this was known. What, did you think we didn't kill civilians?" "It's been so long since we reported any real news, I'd forgotten that we'd already reported these kinds of stories years ago," said Tim Russert, Cokie Roberts, Sam Donaldson, John McLaughlin, Charles Nelson Reilly, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, Ted "Ted Baxter" Koppel, and Diane Sawyer, during a media roundtable yesterday. "I'd forgotten there even was a war," said moderator Chris Matthews. "Bullshit, they were all fucking gooks, anyone who says otherwise is a traitor," said G. Gordon Liddy, representing the talk-show radio hosts. "I blame Oliver Stone," said Dennis Prager and George Will. "His movies like 'Platoon' and 'Born On The 4th of July', which depicted our boys killing civilians, that no doubt encouraged that kind of behavior." William Calley could not be reached for comment. MCVEIGH EXECUTION PAY-PER-VIEW DEAL INKED Burbank, CA - (GNS) - The execution of mass murderer Timothy "Collateral Damage" McVeigh will be telecast pay-per-view in the first of what many in the entertainment, news, and justice industry predict will be a long series of pay-per-view execution events. "There's a growing interest in this kind of programming," declared Ron King, chair of Zappem, the production company that managed the deal and will produce the event. "They were mired in this closed-circuit lottery thing. Two hundred and eighty people from Oklahoma City wanted to see it, and they were gonna have only ten seats. We just had to re-orient their thinking," King said. He said the previous Justice Department was reluctant, but the change in administration smoothed the way. "Justice wants to make some money, the people want to see it, and, frankly, the criminals like the idea, too. It's win-win," he said. The execution will be the main event in a package of three events, King said. The first two events will be police abuse of power, one on an urban street, and one in a police interrogation room. "People like to see that, too," King said. He added that those events haven't been nailed down, but negotiations are underway with police officials from L.A., Philadelphia, Cincinnati, and New York City. "If we had known the New York police were gonna shoot that guy forty-one times, we could've made a fortune. And the broomstick? I could've retired on that," King said. Speaking about the deal for the Justice Department, Attorney General John Ashcroft said, "This is for the people. Lynchings used to be popular. A real event. It helped bring the community together, gave them a common goal, a purpose, and a chance to celebrate their values. Then the sissies took over and everything was Alan Alda and music videos and mush. Well, there's a new sheriff in town. You got your cross-gender programming, now we've got our execution programming." King said plans were also underway to create a reality/gameshow based in part on "Survivor" and in part on "Millionaire". "The winner wins big, the loser gets the chair," he said. King predicts this will be the largest pay-per-view event yet, "priced at an affordable $19.95, it'll be fun the whole family can enjoy."
FETUS RIGHTS ORGANIZATION FORMED |
DEMANDS EQUAL PROTECTION IN HOSPITALS, MATERNITY WARDS AND MORE Bethesda, MD. - (GIN) - Fetuses currently residing in Bethesda Naval Hospital announced yesterday the formation of the Fetuses United in Common Kinship (FUCK), a Fetus Rights Organization. Their first demand is equal protection in hospitals and maternity wards. "Some places are great, others suck," said FUCK spokesfetus Not Named Yet. "And I'm not talking about suckling, I'm talking about substandard facilities." "What's the point in protecting us from murder if you're going to allow shitty hospitals and maternity wards to exist?" asked out-going FUCK President Will Probably Be Named Britney. "Yeah, and what about this unequal housing and unequal education bit?" gurgled Not Named Yet. "You wanna stop people from murdering us, then you throw us into this stew? What the hell are you people thinking? Where are your values? Upgrading school facilities costs $112 billion and you'd rather put it into nuclear space-war technology and golden parachutes for failed CEOs?" The FUCK manifesto includes a ten-point list of demands, many having to do with the environment, Not Named Yet said. "We hold this to be self-evident," Will Probably Be Named Britney said, "Those so-called right-to-lifers don't really give a shit after the baby is born." Just minutes after the press conference Will Probably Be Named Britney was born, and was named Gloria, after Ben and Debbie's grandmother. THE FICTIONAL TIMES is published Now & Then. © 2001 Gary Gordon Productions Submissions: Email submissions (see email on the NavBar on the Mainpage). There's no pay, but if your submission is used in its entirety you'll get a byline; if your submission is used as the basis for a story you'll get co-credit byline or a listing in the soon-to-be-created Credits box.
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