[Visit The Gary Gordon Band; Get info on Gary's CDs]
America's Only E-Paper That Comes Out Every 5 or 11 Days!!With a brand new ARCHIVES section
Established April 17, 2001
* Volume 2 * July 31, 2002 * Issue 101 *
 Fictional Times EXCLUSIVE Report and Analysis Operation Not A Quagmire ARCHIVES section; updated 12/31/01   A MediaChannel Affiliate HOLLYWOOD GOES TO WAR! EDITORIALS BUSINESS Fictional Times Exclusive: An Interview With Enron CEO Kenneth Lay  Ten Best Corporations of 2001 Announced Enron, Argenbright, Phillip Morris Make List Anthrax Scare Good For Business EXCLUSIVE STEM CELL REPORT President Cuts Baby In Half; Bathwater Decision Remains Unresolved ENTERTAINMENT Hey!! Fictional Times Fans! Check out Gary's songs. FREE downloads from his CDs: The Smoking Gun Cafe, Truer Words, and Reasonable Doubts & Cheshire Cat Grins  Gary's Music Sports Science & Technology Fashion & Lifestyles Bra Ads  Letters To The Editor Archives ++++++++ Gary Gordon Productions ++++++++ 
HOLLYWOOD GOES TO WAR! See The Guns Of Kabul, starring Kevin Spacey, Madonna, Wolf Blitzer and Ben Stiller, opening next week at a theatre near you! AND DON'T MISS THESE GREAT NEW MOVIES: 
ALL PLAYING AT THEATERS NEAR YOU!! (If you live near a theater) |
POPE TELLS YOUTH TO FOLLOW JESUS; HAS NO COMMENT ON U.S. WAR PLANS Washita, KS - (GNS) - Pope John Paul II urged hundreds of thousands of young people to follow Jesus at a rally in Washita, Kansas yesterday. "I am old. You are young. Follow Jesus. Be good," the Pope said. He did not indicate where Jesus was, at what distance he should be followed, or what they should do if Jesus's teachings conflict with the American War On Terrorism. CONGRESS GIVES BUSH MORE TRADE POWERS Bush Seeks To Acquire Mussina And Giambi For Minor League Players To Be Named Later Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Congress voted underwhelmingly to grant President Bush additional power to make trade deals yesterday. "Look, he makes a good deal, we look good for giving him the power. He screws up and it's on him. It's a win-win," said one lawmaker. Bush immediately announced his intention to go after Mike Mussina and Jason Giambi for the Texas Rangers. "I'll show 'em," he said, in a terse, three-word speech. George Steinbrenner could not be reached for comment. DRUNKEN PILOTS WILL CARRY GUNS Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - FTA Administrator "Wild Bill" Pinyata announced yesterday that drunken pilots will be required to carry guns on all domestic airline flights "headed to potential terrorist target destinations." "Fuck it. We'll just scare the crap out of any terrorists," he said. "And believe me, it'll cost a helluva lot less than those machines that don't do a helluvalotta good anyway." "Besides, those babies fly themselves," Pinyata said. "Pilots, they just, you know, window-dressing." Pinyata denied that the decision had anything to do with the recent decision to privatize the FTA and fund it through arrangements with liquor companies. "Where in the 2nd Amendment does it say drunks can't have guns. Huh? Where?" Pinyata said. PEROT ADMITS ENERGY PRICE MANIPULATION "Someone Had To Demonstrate System Vulnerabilities" Bumfuck, TX - (GNS) - Ross Perot, renown user of charts and graphs, used several charts and graphs at his press conference yesterday to illustrate his admission that he did tamper with energy prices during last year's crisis. "Now look here. See, here? Here's the thing," he said, pointing to a bar graph showing short bars, medium-size bars, and tall bars. "This is where things were, and this is where they got to. Y'see?" Perot said. Perot said he felt an obligation to test the system and said that, not money, was his prime motive. "Money? Hell. I got money. But look here. See this graph. It's plain as day," he said. Investigators are researching whether or not patriotism is a credible defense for theft. COURT RULES KILLING CORRUPT CEOs IS FREE SPEECH Ruling Expected To Eventually Stabilize Wall Street Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - In another in a series of surprise and controversial rulings, the Supreme Court ruled that killing a corrupt CEO is an exercise of Free Speech and is therefore allowed under the Fourth Amendment. The case stemmed from the killing of several Enron, Worldcom, Haliburton, and other CEOs who robbed investors and walked away with millions of dollars in so-called "platinum parachute" deals. The CEOs were killed by members of the Investor Liberation Army (ILA), a loose alliance of small investors around the country, headquartered in Arlington, Texas. The investors who were charged with the killings had been brought to trial for murder in several states, and in each case defended their actions as free speech. "If money is speech, then the theft of money is the theft of free speech and the defense against that theft is also free speech," said their attorneys, in each case. The Supreme Court had previously ruled that money spent on political contributions is free speech and therefore cannot be limited. "It was questionable as to whether or not the Court would expand the definition to include all money, but we made the case that everything is political," said Marvin Dorfler, one of the defense attorneys. "When you choose to buy an imported car you're making a political statement; when you choose to buy a movie ticket rather than go to your local community theatre playhouse, you're making a political statement. We won because the Court agreed," he said. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia noted that the Court had previously defended burning and American flag and publishing pornography on the internet as free speech. "If we are to be a nation that embraces free speech, and free speech is action as well as words, then the killing of corrupt CEOs by their financial victims is certainly free speech," he wrote. In a separate opinion, agreeing with the majority, Justice Clarence Thomas and Chief Justice Rehnquist wrote, "Although there is really no basis in the Constitution for this, it is clear from our actions and the actions of other members of the Court that the Constitution must be loosely interpreted to allow the temper and values of the current Court to override notions of historical precedent." Financial analysts said the ruling would destabilize Wall Street, but would eventually help stabilize it. "Rooting out corruption can be painful, especially for the corrupt, but it will pay off in a healthier financial life for Americans," said Market Analyst Adam West. |
Amtrak Trains Fail To Mate; Future Of Rail Line UncertainAGNEW SPEAKS FROM GRAVE, SAYS CHENEY IS CREDIBLE Former Veep Decries Rise Of "Nattering Nabobs Of Negativism" Baltimore, MD - (GNS) - Spiro Agnew, U.S. Vice President 1969-1973, declared his support for Vice President Dick Cheney yesterday, marking his first press conference since his death and only his fourth press conference since his resignation-in-disgrace from office. "Dick Cheney is not a member of the elite cadre of impudent snobs and that is why, my fellow Americans, they are after him," Agnew said. Agnew, known for his attacks on the media during the Nixon Administration, resigned from office after pleading Nolo Contendre to charges he accepted bribes while Governor of Maryland. Nolo Contendre is a plea available to rich Republican defendants in order to avoid jail time. Loosely translated from the Latin, it means, "Hey, c'mon, I'm a Republican. Cut me some slack, Jack." "Dick Cheney may have been a CEO, but let's not jump onto the popular bandwagon, stirred up by the liberal press, that says all CEOs are corrupt. Let's remember, unless you're a person of color suspected of terrorism, you are presumed innocent," Agnew said. Agnew charged the media and the Democrats for their endless denounciation of corporate corruption. "These nattering nabobs of negativism must be ignored, for the good of the country." he said. Agnew called for a silent majority to rise up, invest in the stock market, and reject the idea that a CEO should be punished for the crimes of a corporation. HUAC REFORMED; IT'S MISSION: TO FERRET OUT CEOs WHO POSE A THREAT TO AMERICA "Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been A CEO?" Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - The House UnAmerican Activities Committee (HUAC), once charged with protecting the United States from writers, actors, and teachers who had friends who might have been communists when Russia was an ally, has been resurrected. "CEOs who rob from the poor to give to the rich are a threat to the economic stability of this nation," read a statement passed by the House of Representatives. Dennis Hasturd and Richard Schlepheart will appoint members to the committee. "Are you now or have you ever been a CEO, that's the question," Hasturd said. "We're bringing back guilt by association," said Schlepheart. Hearings will begin as soon as the committee is selected, they said.  RIDGE PROPOSES BAN ON CLOTHES ON AIRPLANE FLIGHTS "Safety Measures Must Result In Safety" He Says Is Their New Motto - Declaring the recent law against carrying a sandwich or a cup of coffee onto a domestic flight was "just another step on the road to complete security," Office of Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said he will ask Congress to ban clothing on all domestic flights, beginning in 2003. "It appears that plastic explosives can be fashioned into a thread, and woven into a fabric," Ridge explained. "Thus, an explosive device could be disguised as a simple article of clothing. A necktie, for example. It would be possible for a passenger to dress up all fancy, like Cary Grant in a tuxedo, or Dennis Rodman. And then -- Boom!" Before passing the security checkpoint and boarding their flights, all passengers would be required to disrobe and exchange their clothing for a government-issued smock and slippers. Once dressed in the smock and slippers, the passengers would then pass through the security checkpoint and board their flights. Clothing would be returned to the passengers upon arrival at their destinations. Anyone not returning the smock and slippers would be subject to arrest, Ridge said. It was not clear whether the smocks and slippers would be made domestically, or in India or China.  |
Attorney General Ashcroft Demonstrates He Is Not The Puppetmaster Of Homeland Security: "See? No Strings."BULLETIN... BULLETIN WHITE HOUSE CLARIFIES "WHISTLE-BLOW-IT-OUT-YOUR-ASS" LAW Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - The White House issued what it insisted what a much-needed clarification of the Whistle-Blower law yesterday. "If there's no need for someone to blow the whistle, then they can," explained Press Secretary Airy Flyshit. "But if there's a need because, well, I'd hate to think of a circumstance, but if there is one and someone blows the whistle, well that's trouble, and we'll throw the book at 'em," he said. Critics argued whether the White House had gotten it backwards or inside-out. BUSH, CONGRESS FAIL TO EQUATE CRIMINAL CEOs WITH DRUG CRIMINALS New Law Would Not Confiscate Cars, Houses, Money, Entertainment Systems, Etc. Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Declaring that drug dealers who "rob us of an unaltered reality" are worse than CEOs "who rob of only of money and hope", administration officials and political leaders united behind the Corporate Responsibility And Protection Act (CRAP), which relies on mere fines for punishing wrong-doing. "What purpose would it serve to confiscate cars from a convicted CEO?" read a memo from the Justice Department. "We'd just have to auction off the car, keep track of the money, it would just create more work." "A CEO's house is his castle," the memo continued. "To take a multi-million dollar house from a CEO would be as barbaric as taking a first-born child." Senators Trent Lott and Paul Sarbanes stood behind the legislation and defended the unoffered criticism. "We take cars from drug dealers because they're drug dealers," Lott said. "We jail drug dealers because they're drug dealers," Sarbanes said. "There's no such thing as casual or recreational drug use," they both said. "Drugs are bad, bad, bad. Money is good, good, good," they sang as they danced a jig. Both senators joined President Bush in the Rose Garden and agreed with Bush, who said "the shame of being caught stealing millions and destroying the hopes and aspirations of thousands of Americans is punishment enough." RUMSFELD ATTACKS CONGRESS FOR EXERCISING OVERSIGHT Says Congress, Media Ruined Surprise Attack On Iraq Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - "You gave it away!" Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld declared when he faced a phalanx of congressional questioners who sought answers to their concerns about a war with Iraq. "It was going to be a surprise," Rumsfeld said, "but you gave it away." Rumsfeld said that the U.S. was indeed planning a surprise attack on Iraq but said now plans were being re-evaluated "now that the surprise is gone." "We have been reluctant to fight a conventional war," Rumsfeld said, breaking down into sobs. "Everything was geared to surprise. But when politicians and reporters start leaking plans, well, I don't know what we're going to do with the hats and napkins and cups. They all had the date of the attack on them so we can't use them now." Critics of the administration's war plans have repeatedly asked what basis the U.S. has to attack Iraq, and resumed that line of questioning after Rumsfeld consoled himself. "We are attacking Iraq because they're bad," Rumsfeld said. "And you'd better get on board with that." Most of the representatives said they would vote for war, but they had to look responsible. "If the President does this on his own, without getting our approval, well then we can't take credit," said one. One congressman who wished to remain anonymous said attacking Iraq for what Al Qaeda did reminded him of the time Reagan attacked Grenada for what Islamic militants did to U.S. troops in Lebanon. "But as long as we attack somebody, that's the important thing," he said. "We're not going to be pushed around. Besides, it's our oil." PLEDGE WORDING EXPANDED Nixon "Make No Mistake About It" Doctrine Invoked Washington, D.C.- (GNS) - After furious debate, Congress voted overwhelmingly to expand the Pledge of Allegiance to include additional wording about God. The new wording follows the phrase "under God". Senators Joseph Lieberman (R.-CT) and Trent Lott (R.-MS) read the new wording together on the steps of the Capitol for a crowd of reporters, onlookers, and voucher kids from a nearby Coptic school. "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, to the Republic, for which it stands, one nation, and make no mistake about it, under God, who is all-powerful and all-knowing, and who, in his infinite wisdom has chosen to be on our side in all conflicts, foreign and domestic, and who will, we are confident, work in his mysterious ways to smite the evil-doers, our enemies and the enemies of freedom-loving people all over the Earth, even if while doing so he sometimes places a deadly trailer-park destroying tornado in Kansas for no apparent reason, indivisible, mostly, with liberty and justice for all," they read. "We gotta memorize all that?" blurted one incredulous schoolchild. He was quickly returned to an under-funded, decrepit public school. The Senators shook hands after reading the new wording as many in the crowd applauded and others wept. Reports of numerous tornados in Kansas shortly afterwards could not be confirmed. |
 New York Times Runs Front Page Photo Of This Lady With Their Kentucky Derby Story; Connection To Horses And Breast Size Not Reported  Giant Sperm Heads Toward Unknown Galaxy; Eggs Not Yet Photographed But Future May Be Moot Say Hubble Scientists  Powell Applies Pressure To Sharon's Hand In An Effort To Improve "Path To Peace" In Mideast  Ancient Mayan Art Influenced By R. Crumb. Bold, buxom, zaftig Mayan art, recently discovered by archaeologists, revealed extraordinary similarities to the work of the legendary master cartoonist R. Crumb. "There is no doubt the Mayans learned a great deal from him," said Dr. Nate Furry. "No other conclusion is possible." |
 "Who Said 'Oy'?"  Georgians Practice Nuclear Attack Emergency Evacuation Drill The first in a series of evacuation drills to be held around the country was conducted on I-85 near Atlanta. FEMA Officials deemed the drill a success. "No one died from radiation," they said.  President Bush Studies Progress Of Clone Of Justice Antonin Scalia, Part Of His Shadow Government's "Build Your Own Supreme Court" Initiative.  "I've also got a shark's tooth, a 1964 Clete Boyer baseball card, The King James Version of The Koran, Allen Funt's 'Gags That Shaped The World', an autographed photo of Ray Stevens, Henry Ford's book 'Oil and Jews', and a signed album cover of Maria Muldaur's 'Midnight At The Oasis' in my desk. But I'm sure that peace proposal is in there somewhere."  Records of secret weapons shipments and files of stacks of speeches denying secret weapons shipments are moved from Arafat's office to the Jihad Duplicity Archive. |
 Queen of England celebrates Something and Famous Musicians play concert, making headlines around the world.  Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling Shows Off Surgically Sealed Lips, Demonstrating His Steadfast Conviction Not To Testify; The Surgery Will Also Prevent Him From Insisting He Doesn't Know Or Remember Anything  John Nash Works On Mideast Solution"  Individual ceremonies honoring slain military personnel like this one will not be available once the nuclear war starts, according to Special National Security Advisor Dr. Strangelove.  Two Afghani Movie Location Scouts Work On "We Were Soldiers, II, The 22-Year Battle Of Tora Bora", Starring Josh Hartnett, Lee Ann Rimes, Billy Bob Thornton, Halley Berry, and Ben Kingsley |
is published Now & Then. © 2001 Gary Gordon Productions Submissions: Email Submissions. There's no pay, but if your submission is used in its entirety you'll get a byline; if your submission is used as the basis for a story you'll get co-credit byline or a listing in the soon-to-be-created Credits box. Feedback: Letters To The Editor. Link Exchange: If you like the site, and have a website of your own, please consider linking to this site. If you want to exchange links, please email The Publisher and inquire. CONTRIBUTORS include Bob Fontneau, Gilbert Hurricane, Dave Manning, Ira Luft, and Desmond Redondo. Logo Design by Giovanni Natale. Graphic design advice from Fee Alvi, although he is not responsible for any flaws in the ever-changing design. The Fictional Times is proud to be a MediaChannel Affiliate. ******************** |
|
FICTIONAL TIMES ARCHIVES Because You Asked For It! |
|
NIXON DAUGHTERS FEUD OVER CONTROL OF LEGACY OF CORRUPT, MURDEROUS PRESIDENT Tricia Contends Father Was Wicked, Julie Argues He Was Evil; Powell Sent To Broker Peace IRAQ ANNOUNCES BENEFITS FOR MARTYRS PROGRAM Wellness Program, Death Leave Now Included in Coverages Crushaum Q. Lapador, Mideast Correspondent POPE ISSUES NEW LAW: GOD DOES NOT FORGIVE PEDOPHILIA Gilbert Hurricane, Religion Correspondent MIDWEST LIBERATION ORGANIZATION (MLO) CLAIMS CREDIT FOR BOMBINGS Demands Iowa, Nebraska And Parts Of Illinois Become Separate Nation U.S. PLANS SURPRISE ATTACK ON IRAQ Operation "Mum's The Word" In The Works CARDINALS ARRIVE AT VATICAN McGwire, Musial Sign Autographs; Flood Challenges System Patrick St. Vincent Malloy Vatican Correspondent "20TH HIJACKER" DECLARES HATE FOR U.S., JEWS Vitriol Startles Those Who Thought Moussaoui Was Merely A Violent Threat |
ISRAEL COMPLETES VENEZUELAN WITHDRAWAL Out Before US Or UN Can Make A Peep Crushaum Q. Lapador South American Correspondent MILAN MAYOR QUITS All He Can Say Is "Sorry" U. Ndead Hippy Roving Correspondent MIDEAST CRISIS MARS OTHERWISE ROSY OUTLOOK THROUGHOUT WORLD FRANCE VIES FOR ANNUAL NAZI AWARD "C'est Tres Magnifique!" Declares Le Pen; Chirac Bans Vichyssoise Giscard Plus Meme Correspondentez Francaise U.S. DENIES ROLE IN U.S.-SPONSORED COUP ATTEMPT CIA Chief Tenet Testifies At Congressional Hearing PALESTINIANS FIND ALTERNATIVE SUICIDE ATTACK STRATEGIES Robert Fontneau Mideast Correspondent NASH TO SOLVE MIDEAST CRISIS Searches For Proper Equation |
|
ISRAELI MILITARY OVERTHROWS VENEZUELAN GOV'T Seeks Distraction From Palestinian Impasse QUEEN MOTHER DIES English Worker Bees Disoriented GORE WON'T RUN, BUT GORE MIGHT Tipper Won't Be Gipper While Al Shaves For His Gal FASHION DESIGNERS, INTERIOR DECORATORS ASSAIL COLOR-CODED WARNINGS Beige, Mauve, Black, Lime, Magenta, Teal Not Used DR. STRANGELOVE REVEALS SECRET PLAN FOR NUCLEAR WAR "You Can't Handle The Truth" Says Former Disinformation Director Cheney JOHNSON, WESTMORELAND: INCREASE OF TROOP STRENGTH NECESSARY Thousands More Will Be Sent Into Battle; MacNamara Says "We'll Do Whatever It Takes" |
SAUDIS PROPOSE GIVING A PORTION OF THEIR OWN LAND TO IRAQ IN EXCHANGE FOR ASSURANCES CATHOLIC CHURCH ATTACKS HERETICAL PROSECUTIONS "Our Bumfucking Priests Should Be Protected By The Separation Of Church And State" SENATE EMBRACES POLLUTION, SUCKS UP TO AUTO INDUSTRY "Standards? We Don' Need No Stinkin Standards," Declares Senator Levin U.S. TROOPS DEPLOYED ALL OVER THE MAP WITH NO CLEAR SPECIFIC MISSION AND NO EXIT STRATEGY Hands Tied, Nuclear Weapons Ruled Out; Oddly, Republicans Are In Charge |
|
U.S. DRONE SPY-PLANE DOWNED BY IRAQ Plane Is Trained For Desert Survival; Rescue Mission Planned SURPLUS MISSING, PRESUMED GONE D.C. Police Lead Investigation JESSE HELMS TO RETIRE "I Say, Uh, My Work Here Is Done, Y'all" CONDIT CLAIMS "FAIR SHARE" OF MISTAKES Federal Trade Commission To Investigate Claim HOFFA WANTS ANWR DUG UP He Believes His Dad Is Buried There |
SHARKS MASS OFF FLORIDA COAST Demand Return of Gulf to Marine Life, Or Else... CLEAN AIR REFORMS THREATEN LAWSUITS TO MAINTAIN CLEAN AIR Administration Tired Of Money Going To Lawyers BUSH CALLS FOR RETURNING SOUTHWEST, CALIFORNIA, AND TEXAS TO MEXICO Urges Mexico To Return Land To Indians Once They Get It From U.S. U.S. NUMBER ONE IN ARMS SALES AGAIN Arab Emirates Lead List Of Buyers; Heston Fans Lag EVERYONE MOVES TO OLDUVAI GORGE Massive Relocation Puts Everyone "Back Where They Came From" |