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CIA RUNNING ANTI-WAR MOVEMENT An exclusive report brought to you by The Fictional Times Dec. 22, 2007 MAKE A DONATION TO SUPPORT THE FICTIONAL TIMES! Hi. If you like The Fictional Times, please consider making a donation. Thanks. --Gary Gordon, Publisher, Editor, Stuff NEW MOVIES! 2/16/07 It's Hard For Me  The Stirring Tale of A President Whose Army Might Be Involved In A Civil War Then They Stirred A Little  The Bold Saga of The Democratic Leadership, And Their Fight To Pass A Non-Binding Resolution He Might Maybe Take Us To Another War  When One War Isn't Enough... "A madcap comedy romp for the whole family!" --Robert Novak Then There Were Three  In the race for the Presidency, it takes a weary man to sing a weary song, and it takes a weary nation to go along
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BUSH LAWYERS FIGHT TO PRESERVE COVER-UP OVER DESTROYED CIA TAPES | Ask Federal Judge to Back Down and "Get With The Program" Veil, VA - (GNS) - The US Government filed papers in Federal District Court arguing that it was not required to preserve the now-destroyed CIA tapes. "Preserving them would have undermined the concept of protection against self-incrimination," the document read in part. Assistant Attorney Generalheimer Jeffrey S. Bucholtz filed the papers to prevent U.S. District Judge Henry Kennedy from requiring officials to testify about the tapes. "Our cover-up is at stake here," Bucholtz maintained. "Kennedy should get with the program. I mean, to quote Pete Seeger, 'Which side are you on?'" In court documents, Bucholtz was concerned that Kennedy might order CIA officials to testify about the tapes. Bucholtz said that "could potentially complicate the ongoing efforts to cover-up the chain of decisions and actions that lead to the destruction of the tapes." The administration has taken a similar strategy in its dealings with Congress on the issue. The Justice Department urged Congress to hold off on questioning witnesses and demanding documents because that could reveal evidence pointing to specific officials then in the CIA and at the White House and "we haven't made sure yet that nothing can be traced to the President or any of his top people," said an unnamed source. Attorney General Musky Mukasey also refused to give Congress details of the government's investigation into the matter, saying doing so could raise questions about whether the inquiry was vulnerable to political pressure. Asked what he meant by that, he replied, "The President is clearly above politics, but Congress, especially Congressional Democrats and the Republicans who disagree with the President, are not." Mukasey was adamant that those responsible for destroying the tapes would not be waterboarded, but those asking about the destruction certainly risked waterboarding as their actions could easily be construed as aiding and abetting "our enemies in the war on terror." In a related story, Senator Kit Bondage (R. Mo.) was awarded the Presidential Seal of Approval for his recent defense of waterboarding. Bondage said it was like "swimming the backstroke. You might get a little bit of water in your mouth, but in the right race, you might win an olympic medal." The citizens of Missouri apologized for electing Bondage and vowed to try to correct the error when he stands for election again, provided the machines aren't rigged and his opponent doesn't die in a plane crash.
MLB PLAYERS WHO FAILED TO USE STEROIDS TO BE INVESTIGATED | Baseball Commissioner Reverses Stand, Calls Upon Everyone To Use Steriods Cloppersburg, NY - (GNS) - On the heels of the Mitchell Report on the Use and Abuse of Steroids and Other Performance Enhancing Drugs That Led to Incredible Records and Box Office Not To Mention Related But Not Insignificant Merchandise Sales and Hot Dog, Peanut and Beer Consumption and Parking Revenue, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud "Bulwackey" Sellig reversed his long-held position and called for the use of steriods by every Major League ballplayer. "These players who used steriods set records and helped create some of the best and most memorable years in the history of this great sport," Sellig declared at a press conference in the new HGH Labs, a subdivision of Major League Baseball, Inc. "All of them should be inducted into the Hall of Fame, along with the people who supplied them," Sellig said. Sellig called on Mitchell to launch a new investigation, this time of the players who failed to use steroids when they were so abundantly available and the positive impacts were so obvious. "I have a real concern that these players who failed to use steroids just don't care about the sport," he said. Sellig said he was also considering reversing his decision about Pete Rose, and calling on all players to gamble on baseball games. "If Rose's gambling led him to be a great player, we've got to open that option for everyone," Sellig said. 
Cheney, Lieberman, Coulter Call For Nationalizing Entertainment Industry Burbankwoodland, CA - (GNS) - California Governor Arnold "Arnold" Schwarzernayger ordered the state National Guard to L.A. today to restore order and, if necessary, break the writer's strike. A division of guardsmen moved immediately into position outside the Writer's Guild at Doheny and Wilshire. Other units of the Guard were dispatched to Burbank and Culver City to confront strikers in front of the studios. Elite airborne Guardsmen parachuted onto the Paramount lot and faced off with strikers there. "People need their TV programming, they need their movies," Schwarzernayger declared. "The strike must be broken. Without diversion, people will pay attention to politics, democracy, the energy crisis, the upcoming election-- we can't let that happen," he said. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., Vice President Dick "Richard" Cheney, Joe "Jehovah" Lieberman, and Anne "?" Coulter issued a statement calling on President Bush to nationalize the entertainment industry. "When in the course of human events it is self-evident," the statement read, in part. "Nationalizing the entertainment industry will not only break the strike, it will allow us to dictate content. This is not censorship. We're elected. This is democracy," Cheney said. Cheney said the President can nationalize any industry in the interests of national defense. "We're under attack from rogue nations and all we get from Hollywood is gender confusion programming. If it's not in our national interest to straighten up and fly right, then I don't know what is," Cheney said. "My job is to be more right-wing than they are," Lieberman said, "so I say any writer who doesn't get back to work should be stoned." "Uh, that didn't come out right," he added, explaining his writer was on strike. "I meant shot, of course. After waterboarding." "Death to all liberals!" Coulter shouted, quoting the title of her latest book. Culture Warriors David Horowitz, William "The Bender" Bennett and Bill O'Riley instantly applauded the governor's action. "What we need is for these so-called writers to discover real fascist brutality instead of that Hollywood eye candy fictional crap," Horowitz said, calling for "One, two, three... many Abu Ghraibs." Network executives, seeking to appease the government during the strike, have been showing Glenn Beck reruns twenty-four hours a day. Many writers say the threat of the Guard will not deter them, but if threatened with a blacklist, many say they will cave and name names, "in the spirit of Elia Kazan. He was a great director, you know."
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ARGENTINA ELECTS HOT WOMAN PRESIDENTMaria Shriver Considers Run in 2012, Says "I'm Hot, Too" Cryforme, Argentina - (INS) - Argentinians elected Christina Fernandez de Kirchner, the wife of former president Lord Kirchner to its presidency, spurring discussion that this would lead to a Hillary Clinton victory in the United States in 2008. Political pundits, bloggers, boogers, know-nothings, pseudo-antidisestablishmentarians, centaurs, and sectarians were quick to weigh in on this. "Yeah, right," many of them said, insisting one thing had nothing to do with another. "Wow, it could be a pattern," many others said, insisting one thing does have something to do with another. Meanwhile California First Lady Maria Shriver, who was born in the United States, declared she was thinking of running in 2012. "I know I'm not the wife of a president, but I'm hot," she declared. Many Political pundits, bloggers, boogers, know-nothings, pseudo-antidisestablishmentarians, centaurs and sectarians agreed Maria Shriver is hot, many adding, "hotter than Hilary." "If I were hot, I'd run," Laura Bush said. Writers for We Take Issue With This Magazine argued that reducing Christina Fernandez's election to her looks and the fact that she was married to former president overlooks her long distinguished career as an activist, politican and legislator. "Yeah, right," said many political pundits, bloggers, boogers, know-nothings, pseudo-antidisestablishmentarians, centaurs and sectarians, "She's hot." Actual political scholars and historians wondered if this kind of discussion was a reflection of the continued dumbing down of the US population and the nature of political analysis. But they conceded Christina Fernandez was hot. What this means for Hugo Chavez and Juan Evo Morales, the popular radical presidents of Venezuela and Bolivia, is uncertain, said South American political analyst Mucho Informacion. "But then, what isn't uncertain?" HUCKABEE CRITICIZES BUSH FOREIGN POLICY, RISKS "ANTI-AMERICAN ENEMY OF THE STATE" LABEL Romney Criticizes Huckabee on Imus Show, Calls Him A "Democrat" Whatthehey, ARK - (GNS) - Mike Huckabee, candidate for the Reptilian presidential nomination, took strong issue with President George W. Bush for his conduct of foreign policy, saying it will lead us "straight to hell". Huckabee criticized Bush for failing to listen to generals who wanted more troops in the initial invasion of Iraq and for failing to use diplomatic channels with Iran. "You think I'm a whack job, the president runs around salivating at the prospect of World War III," Huckabee said in a written essay in Foreign Affairs & Gardens Magazine. "They've got an arrogant bunker mentality," Huckabee actually said, violating Ronald Reagan's Eleventh Commandment and assuring not only criticism but retribution. Another candidate for the Reptilian nomination, Mitt Romney, criticized Huckabee for speaking as if reading from the Democratic party's talking points. "He's a damn Democrat, with talk like that. A Democrat. Good God, what is this world coming to? If only Joseph Smith were here." Romney made his remarks on the Reptlian-sponsored Don Imus show, a joint venture between various corporations to maintain a bread and roses approach to public entertainment and crowd control. "Faggot," Imus said to no one about nothing in particular. Candidate Rudolph Giuliani, writing in an article in Domestic Affairs & Gardens Magazine, reminded people yet again that he was the hero of 9-11. "If it weren't for liberals and homeless people, I'd've stopped those planes," Giuliani said. "As it was, I was a hero. A leader. I stood tall. I'm incredible. Okay, sometimes I wear a dress and I've had affairs, but really, who hasn't?" Attorney General Musky Muskavey confirmed tapes on which Bush ordered an investigation of Huckabee have already been destroyed. "Nyah, nyah, nyah," Muskavey said. When reporters tried to follow-up, Muskavey said he had to leave. "I've got a waterboarding to attend." |
is published Now & Then. © 2001 Gary Gordon Productions Submissions: Email Submissions. There's no pay, but if your submission is used in its entirety you'll get a byline; if your submission is used as the basis for a story you'll get co-credit byline or a listing in the soon-to-be-created Credits box. Feedback: Letters To The Editor. Link Exchange: If you like the site, and have a website of your own, please consider linking to this site. If you want to exchange links, please email The Publisher and inquire. CONTRIBUTORS include Bob Fontneau, Gilbert Hurricane, Dave Manning, Ira Luft, Michael Adler, Biff Revox, Mort Smepp, Heather Boutique, and Desmond Redondo. Logo Design by Giovanni Natale. Graphic design advice from Fee Alvi, although he is not responsible for any flaws in the ever-changing design. The Fictional Times is proud to be a MediaChannel Affiliate. ******************** Hi. If you like The Fictional Times, please consider making a donation. Thanks. ---Gary Gordon, Publisher, Editor, Stuff |
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FICTIONAL TIMES ARCHIVES Because You Asked For It! Updated 3/9/04 |
LIMBAUGH ADDICTED TO HIMSELF Right-Wing Radio Commentator Rush Limbaugh Tells Audience It Is Better To Inflict Pain On The Poor And Disenfranchised Than It Is To Be Addicted To Painkillers ARNOLD ELECTED, ENDS BUDGET CRISIS Produces Rewritten Script With Budget Problems Deleted CALIFORNIANS TO DECIDE BETWEEN SEXUAL PREDATOR AND DULL PERSON Articulate Republican And Third-Party Green Not Viable BUSH TO CALL ON U.N. FOR HELP IN IRAQ Text Of Planned Phone Call Released BUSH SAYS NO CONNECTION BETWEEN 9/11, HUSSEIN AND IRAQ WAR Polls: He's Lying 
YELLOW ALERT Several States Turn Yellow Weeks After Power Outage: CDC, WHO, Homeland Security Investigate Health Threat, Terrorism 
TAPE OF BUSH PROMISING MORE JOBS IS SUSPECT Experts Suggest It's A Fraud 
GAS PRICES SOAR Americans Take It Up The Ass BUSH VOWS NEVER-ENDING HUNT FOR LEAKER "We Will Look For Who Leaked The CIA Agent's Identity And We Won't Quit Looking" BUSH SCRAMBLES TO REMIND AN INCREASINGLY SKEPTICAL PUBLIC THAT HE'S POPULAR Polls Show People Don't Like Him As Much As They Used To 
GRASSO APPOINTED TO HEAD NEW IRAQ SECURITIES EXCHANGE President Sites Ability To "Grab All You Can With Gusto" | BUSH ADMIN LOOKS FOR REASON FOR WAR Powell Suggests '88 Gassing of Kurds Was Reason 
"EIGHTY-SEVEN BILLION DOLLARS IS THIS MUCH" BUSH SAYS 
CBO PREDICTS $480 BILLION DEFICIT IN 2004 $1.4 Trillion in Debt Foreseen Over the Next Decade Americans Take It Up The Ass 
DEAD. 
BUSH ANNOUNCES NEW IRAQI CURRENCY Madonna-Spears Kiss Will Be Featured 
CAR BOMB MARKS PRO-AMERICAN CELEBRATION 49 STATES FAIL TO RECALL GOVERNORS Public Apathy Is Blamed KEY TO MESS CABINET STILL ELUDES SEARCHERS Strawberry Theft Incident Remains Unsolved; Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell, Rice, Wolfowitz Promise Results "Imminently" 
RUMSFELD, HUSSEIN "ACCIDENTALLY MEET" IN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION Secretary of War Was Looking For Vice President Cheney O'REILLY, FRANKEN SLATED FOR NEW REALITY SHOW "You And Whose First Amendment?" Will Debut On NBC This Fall |
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