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WE WON!!!
ENERGY CRISIS OVER
Energy Corporations Release Hostage Fuel, End Need For Belt-Tightening And Conservation
Glut, Texas - (GIN) - As Congressional leaders gathered to make war on high energy prices and Americans endured the shell-shock of high prices and, for some, rolling blackouts, Energy Corporate Executives moved rapidly to secure victory in the backroom and end the war.
     "Thank goodness it's over," declared Timmy Conned, a 7-11 manager in Kowabunga Falls, Utah. "Now, like the President says, we can go back to moving forward."
     Conned's joy was shared by millions throughout the nation.
     From sea to shining sea, victory parades, fireworks, bar b ques, beer-drinking, rowdiness, fornication and rampant consumption of useless carbohydrates and sugars ruled the day.
     "It was close," conceded one Energy Corporate Executive. "We almost had Congress telling us what to do. Worse, we almost had the public rallying around conservation and alternative energy."
     Experts say the breakthrough came at the eleventh hour, but would not specify if that was the eleventh hour before noon, or the one before midnight.
     "The breakthrough was the key," was all the experts would say.
     In his victory speech, held among toddlers playing baseball in the rose garden at the White House, President Bush hailed American ingensification and "good old, you know, knowing how to know how to know... how."
     But Bush warned that this victory, like all victories, "is not something we can relax on our coat-tails about. It is still important to build nuculer plants and drill in, where the deer and antelope play, in Alaska," he said.
     Vice President Cheney said, "The real victory is that we don't have to get involved in any of that conservation or alternative energy."
     "We were facing the very real danger of increased regulation damaging profit-taking potential," Cheney said. "Now we can pursue a path of boosting production, streamlining or eliminating regulation, and just generally having our way."