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SHARKS MASS OFF FLORIDA COAST Demand Return Of Gulf To Marine Life... Or Else Tampa, FL - (GNS) - Thousands of Sharks massed off Florida's west coast over the last week to buttress their demands that the Gulf be returned to marine life, or else. The Sharks, speaking through an attorney, said the intrusion, invasion, and incursions by mankind into the Gulf waters are a violation of historic laws or notions of historic laws which protect the original inhabitants from the arrival of subsequent settlers. "Sharks were here long before mankind. So was other marine life. So man should get out of the Gulf and go back to where he or she came from," the Shark's attorney read from a prepared statement. The Sharks were particularly concerned about sponge-fishing and oil-drilling, their attorney said. "The Sharks understand that sponge-diving is part of the Greek heritage and oil-drilling is part of what Americans conceive of as their manifest destiny, and they do not intend to offend either Greeks or Americans when they say 'get out or else'," the attorney said. Tuna, Dolphins, Stingrays, and itty, bitty pilot fish accompanied the Sharks in their protest. The Sharks said they were giving the human race sixty days to withdraw from the Guld and cease activities within the Gulf. "After that," the attorney read from the statement, "they will make what happened to the sailors on the USS Indianapolis look like a picnic." Historical scholars who convened in Tampa to study the statement concurred that sharks had indeed been in the Gulf longer than mankind. "But the real historical rule has not been based on who held the land or water first, but who can actually hold it," said professor Simon Turk of the University of Florida. "It has always been a question of will, and might." Turk and his colleagues did not speak on the record as to what would happen to the sharks if actual warfare began, but General Stanhope Mulray, Ret., US Coast Guard, said that even protracted guerilla war and terrorist acts on the part of the sharks would not discourage human activity in the Gulf, and predicted ultimate defeat for the sharks. "Let's face it," he said, "There's only been one war where the small, ragtag group beat the empire, and that was the American Revolution. And that's cause the colonists were fighting for democracy. I don't think the sharks care a blink about democracy." The attorney, who preferred to remain anonymous, denied it was redundant for him to represent the sharks. |
