The Fictional Times

An independent product of Gary Gordon Productions
[Visit The Gary Gordon Band; Get info on Gary's CDs]

America's Only E-Paper That Comes Out Every 5 or 11 Days!!
TAKE ME TO The Fictional Times!
Established April 17, 2001

MAKE A DONATION
TO SUPPORT THE FICTIONAL TIMES!
Hi. If you like The Fictional Times,
please consider making a donation.
Thanks.
--Gary Gordon, Publisher, Editor, Stuff

SENATE EMBRACES POLLUTION, SUCKS UP TO AUTO INDUSTRY
"Standards? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Standards" Declares Senator Levin
Washington, D.C. - (GNS)
- Declaring it was "time to put an end to the dictatorial power of the environmentalists and those who continually pester us about the deadly and destructive effects of pollution," a coalition of carbon-dioxide addicts combined with greedy bastards to gut legislation proposing stricter mileage standards.
     "The last thing we want to do is accomplish independence from foreign oil," argued Senator Chris Bond (R-Mo.).
     "If we don't use up the oil, someone else will," declared Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich.).
     Senators John Kerry (D-Ma.) and John McCain (R-Az.) argued dependence on foreign oil and increasing pollution was insane, but opponents of the legislation argued they "know the difference between right and wrong, and therefore opting for self-destruction, terrorism, murder, misplaced and abused resources and enslavement was not insane."
     Not to be outdone by his colleagues, Sen. Trenchmouth Lott (R-Nazi), held up a one-inch toy model of the new Toyota Rav4ev electric SUV and declared, "Here is the actual size of the kind of car those assholes would have us use. What do they think we are, three-fifths of a human being?"
     President Bush was reportedly delighted at the news.
     "Hot damn Vietnam, let's get those drills started in Alaska," he reportedly shouted.
     Auto Industry executive breathed a sigh of relief.
     "We were worried, in the campaign finance reform and post-Enron environments that Senators would reject our self-serving arguments and payoffs and seek to improve the quality of life for all Americans. Thank God they chose to buy our bullshit and reject the wisdom of veterans like Kerry and McCain," said one executive, who wished to remain anonymous, but whose last name rhymes with Mord.
     Mythology Professor Soup Campbell offered this explanation for the vote: "You cannot see clean air. It offers nothing by way of inspiration. It is a sign of passivity, of inaction; smoke and fumes are real, can be seen and celebrated as evidence of the work of humankind. It's a compelling image that feeds our basic myths."