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STRATEGIC RUNAWAY TRAIN INITIATIVE PROPOSED
Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Immediately following the terrorist attack using a runaway train carrying toxic molten phenol, President Bush proposed the creation of "SRTI, the Strategic Runaway Train Initiative."
     "I will, you know, include this, it's, it'll be in the budget. SETI. No, SRTI," said Bush, momentarilly confusing the anti-terrorist weapons systems with the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence program once conducted by NASA.
     Military officials endorsed Bush's plans immediately, declaring it was just as vital as other priority military needs.
     "We need this like we need a hole in the head," said Major Major Major Major, possibly in charge of weapons procurement.
     CIA officials confirmed wanted terrorist Bin Laden was behind the runaway train attack.
     "Laden. Molten. Huh? Pretty similar," said acting CIA Director Maxwell Smart.
     FBI officials announced they found reams of paperwork about the threat of runaway trains as a terrorist weapon, hidden under the McVeigh files.
     "We've actually known about this threat for a long time," said retiring FBI Director Louis Freeh. "This attack was particularly heinous, occuring in our nation's heartland," he added cryptically.
     "If this train had struck Kentucky, with all those moonshine stills, look out," said ATF Inspector Otis Campbell.
     Vice President Cheney was appointed by Bush to head the SRTI team.
     "The technology is there, if Congress funds it and we can develop it and if it works. We can stop this kind of attack as soon as we can figure out an effective way to prevent it," Cheney said.
     Opponents and critics of SRTI said the initiative was a "worthless, pointless waste of money and would take money from more worthy wastes."
     "Besides, it didn't require SRTI to stop the train. One CSX engineer stopped it. No one was hurt," said a Democrat senator who wished to remain anonymous, as they all do.
     "Oh sure," Cheney countered. "And no one was hurt at Three-Mile Island and that didn't stop us from shutting down the nation's nuclear program."
     "Okay, so that's not a good example," Cheney conceded, suddenly realizing he was for implementing the expensive program even though no one had been hurt.      "It's 'nucular'," said Bush.