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QUEBEC TRADE CONSPIRACY CONVENES, TEAR GAS STOCKS SOAR Quebec, Canada - (UGN) - Tear gas stocks soared yesterday as Monopolist leaders met to conspire about "free" trade and anti-monopolist protesters confronted crack units of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Over forty thousand cannisters of tear gas were used, and according to RCMP sources, there is "no end in sight." As the mass media "news" did its best to cover the confrontation instead of the substance of the protest or meetings, stock traders from Wall Street to Stockholm cashed in on the amount of tear gas consumed and engaged in heavy betting on increased use. Marketed under brand names like "Stop The Rabble", "Order & Order", "Barricade-In-A-Can", and "Whiff This, Punk", all makers of tear gas reported a sharp increase in earnings and a sharp rise in orders. "Planning for a one-world monopoly of ruthless global capitalists who have no regard for national sovereignty, democracy, working people, or the environment has been very, very good for us," Arthur Cough, CEO of Barricade-co, said. Mitchell Rash, CEO of EyeSting agreed, but added, "Our product's good only as long as there are people willing to fight for freedom and democracy, for human and environmental rights. Our fear is that when that ends, the bottom will fall out." |
