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BUSH ADMINISTRATION CALLS FOR PRO BALLISTIC MISSILE STRATEGY
Urges Congress To Ditch ABM
 Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - PBM instead of ABM.
     That's what Generals Ripper and Custer argued for at a hearing of the Senate Weapons Out The Kazoo Commitee yesterday.
     "Senators, we have a treaty that has worked. It's time to withdraw from it," said Ripper, reading from a prepared statement.
     "The Anti-Ballistic Missile treaty was fine when we were against ballistic missiles, but it doesn't work now, since we're pro ballistic missiles," Custer said.
     The generals insisted that if a strategic defense initiative approach based on ballistic missiles was implemented, the anti-ballistic missile approach would be "contraindicated".
     They conceded that no test of the PBM/SDI/MOUSE approach has worked yet, but cautioned senators to not draw hasty or even well thought out conclusions.
     "It is a known fact that when domestic strife and political gridlock threaten an administration, its only recourse is to revamp the military by suggesting danger lurks everywhere and threatens our borders," Ripper said.
     "Imagine if Timothy McVeigh had been an Arab," Custer said.
     "Our precious bodily fluids and way of life are at stake," Ripper said, in a reference only a few people understood.
     When asked if the ABM treaty hadn't contributed to the general world peace and freedom from nuclear peril during the last thirty years, the Generals questioned the value of peace.
     "During the last thirty years this nation has slipped further and further into a moral quagmire," Ripper said. "During the Cold War we didn't have Gay Rights."
     "When Indians were the enemy, we didn't have illegal drugs," Custer said, sipping some Laudnum. "Peace leads to sloth. Not the animal, the-- what is it, a verb?" General Ripper said.
     "It's one of the Seven Dwarfs," said Sen. Lott," and we're investigating that.
     "No it's not," countered Sen. Daschle.
     The committee spent the rest of the hearing discussing the use of the word 'sloth'.
     President Bush issued a brief statement, through his press secretary Ari Butter.
     "We are pro life, we are pro education, we are pro environment, we are pro baseball, we are pro ballistic missiles," the statement read, in part.
     "We are the world. We are Spartacus," the statement also said.
     Asked whether they were pro or anti sloth, Butter said, "we're studying the issue."