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POPE ISSUES NEW LAW: GOD DOES NOT FORGIVE PEDOPHILIA
Gilbert Hurricane
Religion Correspondent
Vatican, Rome, Italy - (GIN)
- Departing from centuries of doctrine that allows a confessing sinner or criminal to receive absolution, the Pope declared yesterday that pedophiliacs will not be forgiven.
     "You do this, you go straight to Hell," the Pope's statement read, in part.
     Vatican scholars said the Pope's decision was based on a reinterpretation of the episode in Genesis when God orders Abraham to sacrifice his son Issac.
     "God is clearly saying 'don't hurt your kids,' said Cardinal Muncie. "There is nothing in the passage that suggests God will ever forgive you if you do," he said.
     Reaction to the new law was swift but varied.
     Catholic Priests For Pedophilia (CPFP) denounced the Pope's decree while Catholic Priests Against Pedophilia (CPAP) celebrated it.
     Choir Boys Local #47 in Teaneck, New Jersey, also celebrated the Pope's announcement.
     "Dis is good," said Harvey McNally, 13, union spokesperson.
     Nuns For Good Stuff (NFGS) applauded the decision but said it did not go far enough.
     "Hey, we need some protection, too. Some of these Priests, they could care less about the boys. They go after us," said Sister Mary Hartman.
     Theologians and Biblical scholars also voiced mixed reactions.
     "When you start closing the door to forgiveness, well, what's next? Drunk driving? White collar crime? It just really turns the basis of the religion on its ear," said Professor Radley Fulbright of Emory University School of Religious Stuff.
     Theologian Dennis Prager agreed. "You reinterpret the Bible, you're opening a whole can of worms. Unethical worms," he said.
     Former presidential candidate and TV commentator Alan Keyes agreed with Prager.
     "We are all born with original sin. If you remove the prospect of forgiveness, or redemption, then you are creating an incentive for everyone to behave themselves on this Earth or suffer earthly consequences decided by Man instead of God and therefore you are undermining the very reason for religions like this to exist and you are threatening the basis of my political candidacies and my job."
     Keyes said he was considering a lawsuit against the Pope.