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OFFICE OF STRATEGIC BIAS CREATED by Jordan Eisenberg & Gilbert Hurricane Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - The Bush administration announced the creation of the Office of Strategic Bias as part of the "war on terrorism," according to Press Secretary and Disinformation Officer Ari Flyshirt. "This office will spread ideas that will help fight rogue states, terrorists, and other enemies," Flyshirt said. "Its primary activity will be the preparation of ideological principles and guidelines for American newspapers and TV stations to follow in order to protect American interests worldwide." Flyshirt said the first twenty major newspapers to subscribe to the American Principles Program would get a sticker. "The cornerstone of the project is to encourage emphasis on some news accounts while sidelining others," said OSB Director Rudy Bighorn. "People are bound to form subjective viewpoints. We don't want to distort facts, but simply create a process for the way we organize and report information. Objectively speaking, some subjective viewpoints are better than others." "The biggest threat to the American government at this time is people making generalizations. We want to make sure people notice the right patterns and come to the right conclusions," he said. "For instance, it's good when people conclude that Islam is a bloody, primitive religion, that de-regulated capitalism is the best way of life, and that unity of purpose and a singing Attorney General is good. It's bad when people start making observations about hypocrisy, greedy self-interest and the American ruling elite's contempt for true democratic and humanitarian principles. We can't have that," he declared. Bighorn explained his office would see to it that information would be given its proper emphasis through its placement and length. Any information that challenges anti-terror policy or provokes critical thought would be reported only when such information could be used to challenge the integrity of the organization publishing the information. Even then, he said, the information would be presented "in the most skeptical context possible", or would be placed next to breast enhancement ads or tire sale ads, where readers would be easily distracted. "Really long newspaper articles are also a good dumping ground for disturbed, anti-unity notions," he said, "especially towards the back of a newspaper. What's most effective is to counterbalance bad subjective viewpoints with moving personal accounts that fortify the can-do attitude and pioneer spirit of the American heartland, "like the way divided communities come together when they're hit by a twister. They survive, they work together, dreaming of a future when they can be divided again." "An account of an ice-skater unfairly judged, or the agony of a family whose child has been kidnapped in Utah, or reports about the positive benefits of managed news, banal entertainment, and the utter hopelessness of doing anything other than what the President suggests are critical in helping people stay focused before they go crazy and start jumping to conclusions," he said. "If the end of '1984' has taught us anything, it's that people can't hold on to rational thought forever. People are surprisingly bad at putting 2 and 2 together while under pressure. Enough appeals to sentimentality and fear can always win out in the end," he said. Polls indicate public response to the creation of the Office of Strategic Bias was mixed. "That can be fixed," said Bighorn. |
