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MISSISSIPPI VOTES TO RESTORE SLAVERY
Natchez, MS - (GNI) - Mississipians voted today to restore slavery and maintain the Confederate symbols in their official state flag. Voter turnout was heavy, and decisive.
     "Although we've only counted 1% of the vote, we can tell y'all that we won," declared Mississippi Secretary of State Robert "Stonewall" Beauregard. "After all, them Black voters make up only 36% of the vote, an' I'm not sure many of them voted, if you know what I mean," he said.
     Last year an organization called The Mississippi Heritage Preservation Club gathered enough signatures to put the question on the ballot.
     "Why settle for just the flag when we can restore slavery, too?" asked Edward "Stonewall" Persimmon, a leader in the Heritage Preservation movement.
     "We should take pride in the fact that our ancestors were wealthy enough to own slaves, and smart enough to have a value system that recognized racial differences," said Jimmy "Stonewall" Montgomery, chairman of the Fair Play for Slave-Owners Committee.
     "They had slaves in the Bible, didn't they?" Reverend Billy "Stonewall" Forrester said.
     "Let's quit pussyfootin' aroun'," said George "Stonewall" Wallace Jones, recording secretary of the We're Better'n Them Club. "Let the other states argue an' fuss about flags. Slavery's what's important," he said.
     Leaders and members of all the organizations behind the restore slavery effort denied that a return to slavery would mean a dehumanization of blacks and further mistreatment of blacks.
     "Hell, how could we mistreat 'em any worse'n we do now?" Jones said, grinning.
     Black leaders expressed concern that, if passed in Mississippi, the effort to restore slavery could spread.
     "We would like to argue that slavery is against the law, but given the make-up of the Federal Supreme Court and this administration's position on supporting States Right, if we press it, we may discover slavery is not against the law," observed Fred Douglass Mfume, a coordinator with the recently outlawed Mississippi Human Rights Coalition.
     Charges that the Federal Government would allow slavery are premature, according to Attorney General John Ashcroft. "My office would have to study the matter."
     Ashcroft did say that the Mississippi action could be studied, as an experiment, a pilot program, but, he said, that would fall under the Interior Department. "Slaves would be considered a natural resource," he said.
     Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, who once argued a case by declaring much was lost in the states rights movement when the Confederacy was defeated, said she would be glad to monitor Mississippi's experiment.
     "We could save alot of money drilling for oil in Alaska if we use slave labor," she said. "And it would make us competitive with the Chinese, but that's the Commerce department."
     Secretary of Commerce Simon Legree agreed slave labor would make the U.S. competitive with the Chinese, but denied suggestions that the purpose of the current trade talks and the President's planned trip to China is to study Chinese slavery.
     "Oh come on, that's not it at all," he said with a wink. "We just want to get our busted up plane back. You know, the one the Chinese military has already completely studied and is really of no value to us, except for the symbolism."
     Secretary of Symbolism Colin Powell agreed. "The plane itself is useless, but the symbolism of getting it back, that's priceless."
     Conservative columnist William Kristol called the charges that the administration might be pursuing a pro-slavery course nonsense.
     "George W. Bush is turning out to be the most liberal president of our times. He's drifted so far to the left these last hundred days, I'm surprised he hasn't replaced the American flag with a hammer and sickle.
     "The big clue was when he didn't bomb China rightaway," Kristol declared, "and noboby but me picked up on it."
     In Mississippi, pro-slavery forces conceded there may be a fight about today's vote, but seemed to relish the thought.
     "If'n they don' like it, let 'em fight the damn war all over again," said "Stonewall" Jones, "'cause this time we'll win."