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MAD CANTELOUPE DISEASE RAMPANT Fresno, CA - (IGN) - Reports of Mad Canteloupe Disease swept the country yesterday in what seems to be the vegetarian version of Mad Cow Disease. "The canteloupes are pretty pissed off," said Walter McCoy, a farmer in California's Imperial Valley. "Turns out they don't like bein' fertilized with shit any more'n the cows like eatin' cow-brains." The effects of Mad Canteloupe Disease vary. "It's turned some people into strictly meat-eaters, while others simply turn bright orange and start emitting pits from their nostrils," said Dr. Soupy Relish, a researcher with Admiral Daniels Mindless (ADM), one of the world's largest agribusiness conglomerates. Health officials throughout the country are urging people to avoid canteloupe and are launching an overwhelming public relations blitz. Contract negotiations are underway with Frank Zappa's People to use one of his songs with different lyrics. "Lemme put it this way," said Relish, "Yellow snow is alot safer than canteloupe." |
