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LIEBERMAN EMBRACES VIOLENT VIDEOGAMES
by Jordan Eisenberg
Washington, D.C. - (GNS)
- Senator Joseph Lieberman, long known for his militant opposition to violent videogames, announced a new position which would not only forgive some previously derided games, but would also reverse the rating system now in place so that some of the more violent ones would be celebrated.
     "I realized that in today's world it would be hypocritical to indiscriminately condemn violence", he said. "It was personal reflection on my part. Sometimes violence is necessary to achieve our goals."
     He explained how it was necessary for children to understand important concepts, such as kicking, throwing, stomping, crushing, bombing, exploding and defeating, before their initiation into important fields such as global politics.
     "They should learn early on the various methods of dealing emotionally with violence, such as compartmentalization and justification," he said.
     "If the younger generations grow up understanding that violence by the hero is good and necessary, but violence by the enemy is bad and can lead to 'Game Over', then they are well equipped for dealing with the important issues of our times. They will also have made important progress in learning to dismiss critics who might claim that all violence is unacceptable."
     A poll of teenagers in arcades across the country indicated strong approval for Lieberman's new position.
     "When I saw the videos on September 11th, I felt really shocked because those were Americans, those were real people I could have known, and it was a new experience for me. I wished there was something I could do to make all the killing stop," said Dylan Dylan-Dylan, 14, from Mulch, Indiana.
     "Then when George Bush came on and talked about how they would hunt down the people responsible and smoke 'em out, and people started mentioning bombing Afghanistan, it seemed like they were just making it worse," he said. "The last thing I wanted to hear about was more killing, even if it was bad people. It was only after a lot of thinking and a lot more watching the news that I accepted that our leaders know what's best for us."
     Dylan-Dylan said he thinks the new videogame plan would be helpful to others like him, because "if I had been raised on violent videogames earlier in life, maybe I wouldn't have been so sensitive, and wouldn't have damaged our national unity with those dangerous thoughts."
     Lieberman explained his position in as much detail as reporters could listen to before falling asleep from the sound of his droning voice.
     "The name of the game is winning. If you get in the way it's your own fault and you need to pay the price. If you're not with us, you're against us."
     When asked to explain how the many innocent villager who are casualties in the war on terrorism were "getting in the way", he insisted that it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Their deaths give fuel to the propaganda machines of our enemies. It does nothing but hurt us, so we have to desensitize ourselves to it as much as we can. Sometimes that means suppressing it to some degree ... but if we stop and think about every little thing we do, we'll never get anything done."
      "Besides, there is some amazing graphics techonology out there," he said. "We can't let it go to waste. Without violence, what's there to do in videogames? You can't really separate the two."
      To critics of his new position, Lieberman emphasized the need for consistent logic in the policies of any self-respecting government and citizen. "I really was concerned about my own hypocrisy, and I admit it was a tough choice. It was either accepting violent videogames or condemning my country's constant use of war and counterinsurgency to solve its problems. And I've got a political career to think about."