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J. EDGAR HOOVER RETURNS FROM DEAD TO RUN F.B.I.
Vows To "Straighten Out Bureau, Other Furniture" Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Former Director J. Edgar Hoover returned from the dead yesterday to run the F.B.I., a formerly dead man with a mission and a dress. "The G-Man returneth," said F.B.I. spokesman RuPaul. The return was hailed far and wide by conservatives and non-liberals alike. "It's about time," said Alex Mangiopanni, a staple gunner from New Madrid, Missouri, speaking for most patriotic Americans. "If Hoover'd been alive none of this bad stuff would've happened," he said. "He would've caught that spy Hanssen the way he caught Benedict Arnold and the James Gang," declared Pete 'Biggy Smalls' Segundo, a copy editor for the Santa Anita Racing Times, in Long Beach, California. Hoover founded the F.B.I. in the beginning and ran it with an iron fist and velvet glove until what many regard as his untimely death in 1972. A plethora of recent scandals that still plague the Bureau, as it is known, induced him to return. "First, anyone caught stealing our guns and our laptops is going on our Most Wanted List," Hoover said. "And I've got one thing to say to them," he added, "Dillinger got off easy." Hoover announced his intention to get rid of all spies, find out what happened to Chandra Levy, solve the Jon Benet murder, recover all stolen items, restore widescale wiretapping and blackmail to the list of acceptable practices, see to it that a major network brings back the FBI TV show, take advantage of all sales at Bonwit Teller, and "get Communists" before he returns to the dead. Attorney General John Ashcrop was reportedly very excited about Hoover's return. "Hoover? Damn!" he said. |
