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CATHOLIC CHURCH ATTACKS HERETICAL PROSECUTIONS
"Our Bumfucking Priests Should Be Protected By The Separation Of Church And State"
Boston, MA - (GNS)
- Calling on God to strike down the evildoers who attack the Catholic Church in the name of multi-cultural, sinful justice, a conclave of priests, bishops, knights, pawns, rooks, and a male secretary named Miss Scarlet met to draft a strategy to "fend off the attacks of the heretical state".
     "God is on our side," declared one attendee, "and you'd better not forget that."
     "Pedophilia is wrong," declared another, "but I'm sure there's a line in the Bible somewhere saying it's okay. After all, you can pretty much justify anything with some quote from the Bible."
     "What've we been telling you?" was the rhetorical question posed by a conclave of Irish Protestants meeting across the river. "I mean, we've got some sick fucks, too, but we don't let them hide behind their robes or require celibacy."
     Other equally religious groups meeting around the world in glass houses threw stones.
     A telegram from Osama Bin Laden urged the world not to condemn the Pope.
     "It ain't easy running a narrowminded religion with its roots in the 8th Century, or older," the telegram said in part.
     Producers of Bill Maher's show and National Public Radio producers and talk show hosts who have denied Michael Moore an opportunity to promote his new bestseller challenged all attacks on the Catholic Church and any parallels drawn between the primitive rituals of the Taliban and the primitive doctrines of Catholicism.
     "Just because they've known about this shit for years, decades, and just because they've been secretly paying off victims doesn't mean they're sick or evil or corrupt or dangerous," said NPR Bishop Bob Siegle.
     "Hey, look at the mideast. It's the Jews," said an ABC programming executive, hoping to draw attention away from his network's concentration on news about hockey dads and dog maulings and its failure to investigate stuff like this that's been going on for a long time.
     "My contention is the kids lured the priests," said John Stossel, reportedly preparing another one of his convoluted exposes.
     "Begosh and begorrah," declared Bill O'Reilly. "Maybe I'd better get off my ass and investigate something rather than just bloviating."
     Discussions about the pedophilia scandal and celibacy prompted reaction from the White House.
     "Celibacy, yes, that's good, the right way to go, but not for everyone, when you're, well, no, you shouldn't be celibate... Disagree with me? Over my dead body," said President Bush, in a carefully worded statement.