[Visit The Gary Gordon Band; Get info on Gary's CDs]
America's Only E-Paper That Comes Out Every 5 or 11 Days!!TAKE ME TO The Fictional Times!
Established April 17, 2001
MAKE A DONATION
TO SUPPORT THE FICTIONAL TIMES!
Hi. If you like The Fictional Times,
please consider making a donation.
Thanks.
--Gary Gordon, Publisher, Editor, Stuff
|
JESSE HELMS TO RETIRE "I Say, Uh, My Work Here Is Done, Y'all" Raleigh, D.C. - (GNS) - Jesse Helms, the racist, segregationist, isolationist, sexist senator and would-be presidential assassin from North Carolina, and a real kidder, if you only got to know him, who modeled his career on the cartoon character Foghorn Leghorn, announced he would retire from the Senate today, citing his long list of accomplishments and the typical "health reasons". Helms, who was elected on a pro-war, anti-civil rights platform in 1972, spoke with pride of his efforts to block integration, stall voting rights, oppose the expansion of civil rights legislation to cover women and minorities, senselessly expand the military, oppose living up to financial obligations with the United Nations, secretly fund foreign terrorist groups, oppose environmental regulation and tobacco regulation and more. He said he was particularly proud of threatening the life of President Bill Clinton, whom he warned not to come to North Carolina to visit a military base after advocating that gays have a right to serve in the military. "I say, uh, I say, uh, I say, uh, it's time nigras, commies, wimmin an' other subversives were reminded they are not Amuricans," Helms said, using a line that had helped him get elected and re-elected in several close elections. Helms voted against the Clean Air Act several times and even recorded a regional hit song about it. "Clean air, huh, what is it good for, absolutely nothin'." Political analysts and observers note that when Helms was elected, balancing the budget was not a popular idea, and Ronald Reagan was an actor. "There was a period after his election where Reagan wasn't an actor and balancing the budget became popular, but Helms stuck to his guns and we've returned to a much more sane time," said Beauregard Murphree, a former Helms aide. Murphree said Helms took pride in helping to usher in an era as represented by President Bush, where the U.S. behaved arrogantly and took unilateral action, even if it was opposed by everyone including a majority of Americans. Helms also spoke with pride of his role in defending tobacco. "I say, uh, I say, uh, I say, uh, people say smokin' kills people. Well that dog don't hunt," he said. Helms' retirement announcement has spurred speculation that Elizabeth Dole, a former transportation secretary with the Reagan administration, who was born in North Carolina but hasn't lived there for forty years, will run for the seat. Even with her inexperience in actual governmental decision-making and leadership, Dole would bring more to the office should she be victorious than Helms did. He was a former newscaster and editorialist before winning office with 55% of the vote-- his highest margin, in 1972. Democrats are unsure of whether to run someone who would present a stark contrast to Helms' record, or run someone with a similar record in an effort to work to the middle and win some Helms votes. "We never know what to do," said a Democrat party official. |
