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NRA BACKS "GUNS IN SCHOOL" LEGISLATION by Phil Haney Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - The National Rifle Association endorsed a White House backed bill that would enable high school-aged Nerds, Geeks and Outcasts to carry concealed weapons into class. "Arming high school students is a logical step," Charlton Heston, NRA president, told reporters at a Washington press conference. "We need to ensure the safety of America's high schools by giving unpopular students, the downtrodden and the infirm the right to bare arms. If they know a student has a gun, Jocks and Bullies will think twice before attacking them," Heston said. The aging actor, known for his audiotapes of the Ten Commandments, then raised his fist in the air and shouted what has become the battle cry of the NRA, "Out of my cold dead hands!" Polls indicate the proposed bill has substantial support from parents and community leaders, particularly those concerned that their children might be potential victims of another Columbine-type massacre. One parent of a high school football quarterback said, "My son has a good throwing arm. Best arm in the Mid West Division. Thing is, when he’s not tossing the pigskin, he’s using that arm to beat down those little degenerates who like to be, you know, well, they're not jocks. It's okay with me if one of them brings a gun to school just as long as my son can fire back. Cause a football isn’t the only thing he has dead aim with." Some people weren't so sure more guns were the right answer to the growing school violence epidemic. Tiffany Brittney, a high school cheerleader at Curtis LeMay High School in Colorado Springs, commented, "Like, I don’t think that, like, people should have guns. I mean like, why can’t all the weird kids just shop at the Gap like us? Like- I like puppies. Everyone should have a puppy instead of a gun." Senator Jesse Helms, an outspoken civil rights leader, in a speech to the Dorks Before Dishonor Service Club in Charlotte, North Carolina, said "the time has come to 'low our young people to protect themselves from the threats posed in today’s suburban high schools." "When I was growin' up we didn’t have this here violent television with cussin’ and sex," the aging senator said. "Kids see a man cussin’ an' in bed with a woman an' clear as all get out it makes 'em want to kill. It’s just common sense that'll have an effect on a young person. Just as much as all these colored people running around on TV today," he said. In response to concerns about insufficient weapons training, the NRA said they plan to release a computer-based target practice game to help students with their shooting skills on high school campuses. Named "Trench Coat Mafia," the game was slated to be released in September, just in time for the beginning of the next school year. Game play takes place when students, armed with semiautomatic weapons the NRA successfully prevented from falling under gun control legislation, take aim at abusive athletes and bullies. Through several levels of play students eventually battle ATF officers in the high school cafeteria. The National Rifle Association said they hope the game will improve the marksmanship of all students who plan to take advantage of the new law. Attorney General John Aschcroft said the bill was "a sign from God that all good Christians will finally be able to protect the homeland in the ways that He intended." President Bush said he supports the legislation. "My uh, dad, remember, he was the Education President." |
