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FERC SETS PRICE GOUGING CAPS Sacremento, CA - (GPS) - The Federal Expletive Ramalamadingdong Commission (FERC) announced an energy price plan with a cap on price gouging yesterday. Analysts say this may or may not but probably won't help the average consumer. Under the plan, price gouging is capped, allowing for the excessive gouging that exists when quasi-monopolies control vital resources, but prohibiting really, really, really excessive price gouging that's just way too obvious, FERC spokesperson Blenko Handcraft explained. "In the past few months, many energy providers have made profits at over one thousand percent of their costs. This will halt that, under most conditions," Handcraft said. The average consumer will still "pay an arm and a leg," Handcraft said, "but that's better than the blood and flesh that's been demanded up to now." FERC chairperson Oooeeeoo Ah-Ahhh said vigorous debate occurred between FERC members. "Some wanted no caps, and some wanted no caps at all, so you can see this was a compromise," Ah-Ahhh said. Opponents of the measure called the price gouging caps "totalitarian". "The word 'gouging', when used to describe the rewards of hard work is hardly appropriate," declared Gordon Gekko, of Nelson, Carnegie, Vanderbilt, & Morgan. "Gouging is something you do to someone's eyes, not their wallet," Gekko said. California Governor Gray Davis reportedly fell to his knees and said "Thank God" upon hearing of FERC's decision. "It's not as good as the Lakers' victory, but it helps," his spokesperson said. The price gouging caps will be phased in over seventeen years, beginning in January, 2003. |
