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Established April 17, 2001

PALESTINIANS WILL HOLD ELECTIONS TO ELECT ARAFAT
Florida 2000 Model Studied; Jews For Buchanan Could Tip Election To Mubarek
Palestinian-Occupied Gaza - (GIN)
- The Palestinian Authority announced it will hold elections in January and Arafat will be elected.
     "How can he lose? No one but Mubarek is running against him," said Arafat Press Secretary Ali Flihad.
     Mubarek, President of Egypt, stepped into the race when Palestinians who stepped forward were kidnapped in the middle of the night, tortured and killed.
     Flihad defended Arafat's campaign tactics.
     "When Bush said we should have elections, the concept of rigged elections was implicit. After all, isn't that how he won?"
     Former Secretary of State and unindicted war criminal Henry Kissinger urged Arafat to rig the elections "peacefully, with honor."
     "Killing your opponent isn't necessary," he said. "We stole the '68 election from Humphrey with old-fashioned back-channel treason. Reagan did the same against Carter in '80. You don't have to kill your opponents. Just get unethical, get devious. Arafat knows this. He's just not thinking clearly."
     Patrick Buchanan, who inadvertently pulled votes away from Al Gore in the U.S. presidential vote in Florida, endorsed Mubarek.
     "He walks like an Egyptian, he talks like an Egyptian," Buchanan said.
     When asked for further explanation, Buchanan replied, "Look, my reasoning makes as much sense as anything else going on there. I mean, have you read the history of the middle east and Persia? You've got Muslims killing Muslims, Muslims and Hindus killing each other, a map mostly drawn by the British, almost everyone worshiping Abraham and Moses and wanting the Jews driven into the sea, and young girls blowing themselves up so they can go to heaven to sleep with female virgins-- It's sick."
     Bush Press Secretary Ari Flyshirt denied the on-going accusation that Bush stole the election, but praised Buchanan for supporting the only candidate to block Arafat.
     "The man's a Catholic. I think we can all agree if Catholics ran the mid-east it would be alot different," Flyshirt said.
     Israel accelerated its plans to build a wall.