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DR. STRANGELOVE REVEALS SECRET PLAN FOR NUCLEAR WAR "You Can't Handle The Truth," Says Former Disinformation Director Cheney Armageddon Dept., Pentagon - (GNS) - Just days after dismantling the Office of Influence, otherwise known as the Disinformation Office in the Pentagon, the Administration's Armageddon Department announced plans for nuclear wars with China, Iraq, Syria, Iran, Russia, California, and Grenada. "Let's settle this once and for all," said Armageddon Dept. Director Dick Cheney. Flanked by Special National Security Advisor Dr. Strangelove (no first name available) and the Singing Apostle & Attorney General John "The Eagle" Ashcroft, Cheney said the U.S. military would be developing battlefield nuclear weapons "and whatever it takes to get the job done." Dr. Strangelove elaborated on the new strategy apparently embraced by the Bush Administration. "We will no longer constrain ourselves with a second-strike or retaliatory capability. We will develop and use these weapons as first-strike weapons, and we will do it mach schnell," he said. Reaction from European allies was swift. "Are you fucking kidding?" was the statement issued by NATO. "Bloody Hell!" declared British Prime Minister Tony Blair in a separate statement. It was unclear if this was a criticism or a cheer. Reaction from the designated targets was more cautious. "Inscrutably speaking, we will reserve comment for the moment, but you can bet your ass we're not going to take this lying down," said Chinese Premier Mu Shu Jiang. Iraq, Iran and Syria issued a joint communique of two words: "Jihad! Allah!" Russia was unusually silent. California Governor Gray Davis, a moderate, said simply, "This is a disappointing development in our relations with the President." The official in Grenada in charge of Being A Fall-Guy Type Nation said, "We will do our job and do it proudly. If we must be destroyed for the sake of giving the United States a victory in its war against whatever, so be it." Dr. Stangelove said that although an estimated 230 million Americans would die in an all-out nuclear war with six nations and one state, "that would leave almost seventy million Americans to rebuild, and that's enough, especially if they are among our best, most fit, most indoctrinated citizens." Cheney confirmed most of the seventy million had already been identified. At the end of the brief news conference Ashcroft burst into song. It was a new song of his titled "God Loves Us And Our Nuclear Capabilities". Lyrics were distributed to the press corps, most of whom eagerly sang along. "We might as well sing along, we've been dancing to their tune for over a year," said a reporter with CNN-ABC-CBS-NBC-Fox. Advice columnist Ann Landers had this to say: "Better laugh and have as much sex as you can, 'cause it's all over now." |
