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US STEPS INTO CRUISE-KIDMAN FRACAS Action Follows Intervention Into Mid-East Quarrel Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Vowing to make peace throughout the world, Colin Powell, Secretary of Doing Stuff Differently Than Kissinger, followed his intervention in the Mid-East Quarrel with phone calls to Tom Cruise's People and Nicole Kidman's People, urging them, for the sake of the nation, to stay together. "A house divided against itself cannot stand," Powell said, quoting a Republican president who could speak eloquently. "If Jews and Arabs can sit down at the same table together, then certainly Tom and Nicole can work this out." Attorney General John Ashcroft said local police have been able to handle the sporadic rioting so far, but he was glad Powell was stepping in. "This kind of thing can tear a nation apart. Just look at what happened when Lucy and Desi broke up," he said, referring to the riots that swept the nation and lead to the last Civil War. Administration officials downplayed reports that the CIA was taken by surprise by the split, and encouraged reporters at a press conference yesterday to "focus on the proactive steps we're taking." "This is a family. There's a kid. If they split up, what kind of message does that send?" Press Secretary Ali Oxenfree said. Powell would not comment on the conversations he had with the actor's and actress's People, other than to say "the phone lines are working, but there are many, many issues." Morality Czar William Bennett applauded the administration's proactive initiative. "You can't just hope and pray for morality. You can't just create tax structures that encourage marriage and discourage promiscuity. You can't just discriminate against single and divorced people. You've got to make morality happen. Keep families together," he said. Historians have pointed out the differences between American actors and Australian actresses have long, deep roots. "One always hopes ancient hatreds will fade away, but there is so little evidence of that," said Professor Martha Stewart. "Sometimes even a garden or a homemade basket doesn't help." Kidman appeared on Oprah last week to say she would not talk about the divorce. Informed sources say Cruise will begin making the talk show rounds to declare that he, too, won't talk about the divorce. "It's so easy for this to escalate," Powell said. Powell denied that he asked broadcast and cable networks to refrain from covering "the emotional carnage", but said he hoped news editors and talk show producers would "show some sense". In related news, Undersecretary of Assuaging Australia Quantas G'day sent a Kangaroo from the Los Angeles Zoo as a gift to the Australian people. "We hope this nightmare will soon pass and the people of America and the people of Australia will still be friends," G'Day said. |
