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SUPREME COURT BOGARTS MEDICAL MARIJUANA
Medical Booze Still Okay
 Washington D.C. - (GNS) - By a vote of 8-0 the Supreme Court quashed efforts to allow the use of Marijuana for medicinal purposes this morning.
     This despite the fact that voters in Arizona, Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Nevada, Oregon and Washington have approved ballot initiatives allowing the use of medical marijuana. In Hawaii, the legislature passed a similar law and the governor signed it last year.
     Writing for the majority, Justice Clarence "Coke" Thomas said: "This Court is only interested in State's Rights when the question is one of the threat posed by national environmental health regulations vs. property rights and self-rule, and the threat posed by national worker health and safety regulations vs. the right to make a profit. When it comes to drugs that we say are bad, we must crush the opposition like a lynch-mob facing a lone, minority figure."
     Reams of FBI documents and other government documents supporting the use of marijuana for medical purposes were reported to be missing.
     "I know obscenity when I see it, and medical marijuana to ease the pain and suffering of the victims of AIDS, cancer, multiple sclerosis and other illnesses, is obscene," said Justice Scalia.
     In a related opinion, the Court ruled praying for the ill is illegal.
     "There is no scientific evidence it works. Only anecdotal," said Justices Thomas and Scalia.
     Justice Rehnquist, apparently suffering from a headache, adjourned the hearing after the ruling and the Justices went for drinks at a nearby bar. Thomas reportedly ordered a "Coke 'n' pubic hair," while the others drank Scotch, Bourbon, Martinis, Screwdrivers, Bloody Marys, White Russians, Tequila, and one Colorado Motherfucker.