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CHINA GETS 2008
SUMMER OLYMPICS
Lone Man Vs. Tank Event Added; Additional Changes Planned
Washington, D.C. - (GIN) - The International Olympic Committee announced today that China, once the home of the Red Peril, would host the Summer 2008 Olympics.
     The IOC also announced new competitions would be added to the games.
     "We have added a Lone Man Vs. Tank event, and a team event called Subjugation Of Minorities," IOC Events Designer Dim Sung Barnum, said.
     He conceded the Chinese have the upper hand in the Lone Man-Tank event, but suggested all countries have seven years to prepare for the competition.
     Competition in the Subjugation Of Minorities event is expected to be fierce.
     "Everyone has subjugated minorites," Barnum said. "No one has the inside track on that one."
     Barnum said other new events will include a cooking competition, a gang warfare competiton, an opium competition, a Great Wall competition, and a Ming Vase competition.
     "In the cooking competition each country will compete at cooking a meal which, when eaten, leaves you hungry an hour later," Barnum said.
     It has not been decided yet whether the Great Wall event will involve building one or tearing one down.
     "If it's tearing one down, the Germans from Berlin have the upper hand," Barnum said.
     Criticized by some for the selection of China, because of its history of human rights violations, the IOC defended the selection by pointing out the 1936 Olympics was held in Nazi Germany.
     "Yeah, well, okay," the critics said.
     IOC spokesman Juan Tonamera added, "After all, we can't have every game every year in Canada."
     U.S. Secretary of Confusion, Condoleeza Rice, named after one of southeast Asia's largest exports, said the United States was neutral.
     "We didn't have anything to do with this decision," she said.
     Rice also issued a new government report that insisted Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, and that maintained there were no U-2 flights over Russia in the late 50s and early 60s.
     Rice denied the U.S. was urging the inclusion of a spy plane event, but confirmed the U.S. requested a new event that would pit Tibetan fashions against Maoist fashions.
     "Why isn't fashion included in the Olympics?" she said.
     The Anti-Defamation League voiced concern over the selection.
     "It's so easy to make fun of the Chinese," ADL spokesman Don Rickles said. "We're worried that people will use this as an opportunity to make jokes."
     Rickles urged everyone to refrain from joking about the Chinese.
     "They have a hard enough time," he said, "what with all of them looking alike."