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BUSH TO TROOPS: "REMEMBER THE ALAMO" Troops Ordered To Take Up Battle Cry by Michael Adler & Gilbert Hurricane Bumfuck, TX - (GNS) - President Bush gave spirited encouragement to the men and women of the Allied Armed Forces stationed in Kuwait yesterday in a televised address taped in the safety of his ranch in Texas, urging them to "Remember the Alamo." "We must remember," Bush declared, "we didn’t want this war. They brought it to our shores and we must fight back." "We are surrounded as were the men and women at the Alamo, by hostile enemies who hate us," Bush said. He went on to describe the siege of the Alamo and the brave resistance of the outnumbered men and women who held off the Iraqis for 13 days of glory, and concluded with a sentimental tirade about the gruesome tortures Saddam’s men inflicted on the captured American heroes. "They beat Davey Crockett til every bone in his body was broken, but still Davey wouldn’t talk," Bush said. "They electro-shocked his patriotic penis til it smoked, and still Davey wouldn’t talk, so they shot him in the stomach and let him bleed to death in agony." "Davey died so that all Americans can be free. Now that the Iraqi butchers have taken some of our men prisoner, it's time to remember Davey and all the others who died there on that sacred ground after drawing a line in the sand," Bush said. He went on to name all of the men killed at the Alamo. General Franksan Beans said the Allied troops would be taking up the "Remember the Alamo" battle cry within twenty-four hours. Noisy, troublesome anti-war critics who claim to be scholars took great pains to contradict the President of the United States by whinning in op-ed pieces and on liberal media talk shows that the people at the Alamo were fighting for Texican independence from Mexico after originally moving there and agreeing to be Mexican citizens. "There is no evidence Iraq was involved in Texas in 1836," one critic alledged. "The FBI has no evidence Iraq wasn't involved in Texas in 1836," said FBI Director James Bowie. In a subsequent press conference, Secretary of War Donald Rumself acknowledged the administration had "no smoking gun evidence tying Saddam Hussein to the Alamo massacre, but," he said "we have credible evidence that Pancho Villa operatives were given safe haven in Northern Iraq." "Remember," Rumself said, "the absence of evidence does not prove the lack of evidence." |
