The Fictional Times Fashion & Lifestyle Section

An independent product of Gary Gordon Productions

Yves St. Laurent Retires

Paris, TX - (GNS) - Sometimes fashion reflects current events, as with the mini-skirt during the sexual revolution. Other times current events dictates fashion.
     Enter the gas mask and chem-suit.
     What would have appeared hideous a few weeks ago, popular only at a science fiction-themed costume ball, is now all the rage.
     "It's practical, you don't have to worry about your hair, and it may save your life," said designer Pierre Chisolm, whose design leads the industry in awards and sales.
     "And almost anyone can model it, so we save alot of money at shows," he said.
     The gas masks come in a variety of colors, but function over form is essential.
     "It is, after all, a gas mask," Chisolm said, "not an accessory."
     The chem suits also come in a variety of colors and with a variety of pocket placements, "but they are all tightly sealed. Again, function over form," Chisolm said.
     Boots, sold separately, have a little more liberty in their design.
     "You can get day wear chem boots, evening wear chem boots, jogging chem boots and even some sexy numbers for that special evening in the bedroom at home," Chisolm said. "But you should only take them off when the 'all clear' has sounded."

Seattle, WA - (GNS) - Nike announced a recall of its Enforced Child Labor Running Shoe yesterday. Thousands of pairs of the shoe have already been shipped.
     "The shoe is morally defective," Nike CEO Harmon Blather explained at a press conference.
      "We discovered in tests that people wearing the shoe suddenly have concerns about the pain and suffering of the young children who are forced to make the shoe for low wages in harsh conditions. It makes it difficult for the wearer to compete, to race, to win, to have fun." Blather said the problem was located in the soul of the shoe.
     "If we re-do the soul, we'll be okay."
     Plans to adjust the soul and re-ship the shoes are underway, he said.

Austin, TX - (GPS) - President Bush announced today the drinking age should be eighteen.
     "It was a mistake for the great and powerful Ronald Reagan to insist it be raised, and to tie Federal highway funds to the issue," said Bush, referrring to Reagan's threat to withhold Federal highway funds to any state that did not raise the drinking age to twenty one.
     "Hell, I drank in college. Everyone drinks in college. We don't want to make outlaws of our children," he said. "We don't want them to be 'outlaws in the eyes of America," he added, quoting the Jefferson Airplane.
     The announcement of the new proposal comes on the heels of his two daughters, Jenna and the other one, being cited for willfully and knowingly puchasing or arranging for the purchase of alcohol while underage.
     "If the law was what it was fifteen years ago, what they did would've been legal," confirmed Secretary of Imbibation Anhauser Bush.
     "If you're old enough to fight and die in Vietnam, or wherever the heck our boys and girls are, then you're old enough to drink," said Bush.
     "Colombia," said Secretary of War Don Rummysfeld.
     "My dad's cool," said Jenna.
     When asked if this meant Bush might change his mind on marijuana and medical marijuana, Bush answered, "Yeah, right. Alcohol is fun, but drugs, whew, that's a whole other thing."
     "Colombia," said Secretary of War & Covert Smuggling Operations Don Rummysfeld.

AMERICANS SHIFT INTEREST TO A NEW KIND OF REALITY TV
New York, NY - (GNS) - Only weeks ago the majority of Americans who participate in mainstream culture would come home from work and flip on the TV to watch either fictional sitcoms or dramas ("no doughnuts at the craft services table") or trumped up "reality" shows featuring contrived contests and carefully pre-selected contestants.
     Suddenly everything is different.
     Mainstream culture is watching real reality TV instead of fake reality TV, and although this reality hasn't replaced the sitcom, for there is little humor, it has certainly revealed in stark terms the difference between "realities".
     "There was a time when the difference between news and entertainment, between reality and fiction, was clearcut," said longtime media scholar Dr. Michael Tube. "That difference has blurred in the last few decades to a point at which, up until Sept. 11, many people could not distinguish the difference. Now the difference is vivid."
     Network programming executives, about to launch their always touted fall season, believe that this current love affair with real reality is a simple flirtation.
     "Real life at times is compelling," said Paul Monotony, a programming exective at ABCBSNBC, "but in the long run, it's boring. They're watching the news now, but they'll return to sitcoms, dramas, and our versions of reality as represented by 'Survivor' and 'Big Brother'.
     "They may return to 'normal' programming, but it won't necessarily be their choice," said Dr. Harold Squeezed. "It will be the economics of TV that compels it."
     "Unless advertising firms are willing to underwrite the cost of 24-hour news shows, the networks won't be able to afford continuing unending and thorough coverage," he explained, "and the networks will be propelled back into the entertainment business. Unfortunately, fake reality is what has passed for entertainment in the last couple of years."
     Do the people have a say in the matter?
     "If they keep watching CNN instead of 'Survivor' maybe they can effect a more permanent change," Squeezed said, "but 'Survivor' has got babes."

Ann Arbor, MI - (GNS) - Polls conducted by the University of Michigan Sociology Department & Football Team show youths are confused by and about President Bush.
     Most think Bush is a beer.
     When asked "What is Bush?", 37% replied, "Beer." Twenty-one percent replied, "Beer, man." And 12% replied, "Yo, it's a beer." Four percent replied, "It's lousy beer."
     Only 18% replied with an answer that included the word "president", but forty-six percent of those said, "It's a beer that ran for president."
     When asked, "Who is the president?", 67% answered, "That's a good question." Twelve percent said they thought it was someone from Florida. Eight percent said they thought The Rock should be president.
     Only ten percent got the answer right.
     When asked about the recent flip-flops and foreign policy shifts regarding China, many said, "Yeah, I don't drink beer made in China. I think it's made from sweat, you know, in the shops where they make these shoes I'm wearing, see?"
     Some said, "It's confusing." And nearly no one said, "It marks a dangerous direction, and is a clear indication that this administration has no real foreign policy."
     When asked about bipartisanship and civility, an overwhelming number denied being bipartisan, but said bipartisans ought to have equal rights.
     Youths split almost evenly, 52%-48% over whether or not beer makes one more or less civil.
     "If I drink a little, I'm mellow. If I drink alot, I'm mean. But if I get shitfaced, I'm outta here," said one youth.
     When asked about Anhauser, eighty-one percent said he was Vice President.

SURGEON GENERAL DECLARES WAR ON FAT
Washington, D.C. - (GNS) - Surgeon General David Satcher declared war on fat last month so earlier this week elements of the 101st and 82nd Divisions, SEALs, Special Forces, and several Infantry units mobilized to rescue kids and adults from fattening food.
     Grocery stores and fast-food restaurants were surrounded and ordered to stop selling anything fattening to aleady overweight Americans.
     Schools throughout the country shut down drink machines serving beverages with sugar.
      The SEAL teams patrolled beach-fronts and towns on the lookout for fried fish restaurants and anyone consuming large amounts of batter-fried food.
     Satcher said pockets of resistance were active around the nation, but projected the war on fat would end victoriously, even if it took awhile.
     “We will not quit until there is no fat in this country,” Satacher said.
     He reminded reporters at a noon press conference that the elimination of fat-causing food was just the first step in the war.
     “It’s been known for quit a while that dieting without exercise doesn’t accomplish the goal,” he said.
     Satcher said once fat-causing food makers and distributors had been shut down, consumers would be required to exercise at least three times a week.
     “Initially President Bush was opposed to this kind of nation-building, but if we’re going to build other nations, we might as well build this one. The armed forces will be a major part of this effort until the job is done,” Satcher said.
     Satcher is 5’11” and weighs 175 pounds, with very little body fat.

Sac, NE - (GNS) - You are the General! You are the Commander-in-chief! You are the Secretary of War! You are the spymaster and the spy! You are the leader of the covert ops team!
     Your only weapon is Afghan Plan 9, and with it you must save your country!!.
     It's the new game from Board-O-War, and it's flying off the shelves around the country and around the world.
     "We can't keep it in stock," said Davey Munchlink, assistant manager of WarGames N Stuff in Duluth, Minnesota.
     "Sacre bleu!" said Pierre Delacroix, assistant manager of The Maginot Line on the outskirts of Paris.
     This board game actually contains four boards: a board map of Afghanistan, one of the United States, one of south Asia that include Pakistan, India, Iran, and all the nearby stans, and one of the mideast, from Saudi Arabia to Libya.
     Players can be as few as two or as many as seventeen.
     Part chess, part Risk(tm), part Wheel Of Fortune(tm), part Survivor(tm), part poker, part Monopoly(tm), part battleship, part charades, and part Trivial Pursuit(tm), the game includes chess-like pieces, cards, a wheel, dice, cards that give instructions on when you can eat, what you can eat, when you have to do ten push-ups, and when you can take a break; pieces representing houses and motels, pieces representing ships and tanks and more, play money, and cards with questions.
     The game starts with a surprise terrorist attack on the United States. Players declare sides but can change sides if they want. There are Military cards, Diplomacy cards, Financial cards, History cards, and wild cards.
     Sometimes you spin the wheel, sometimes you throw the dice.
     And sometimes, if you can't answer a question posed on the history card ("What was the name of the U.S. diplomat who gave Saddamn Hussein the green light to invade Kuwait?") you lose more than just a turn.
     Board pieces identify whole armies and single cars and suitcases which may be carrying bombs.
     The game can last between three hours (The Nuclear Option) and thirty years (The Real Time Option).
     "The game is fun, challenging and educational," said Board-O-War CEO George Dwight Patton-Grant.
     "It's fun for the whole family," he said, "unless your family doesn't find it fun."

Dayton, OH - (GNS) - Americans no longer use the bathroom for bathing or the other stuff they used to do in there, according to a recent poll taken by RecentPoll of Dayton, Ohio.
     "The figures don't lie," said RecentPoll CEO John Flush. "Americans read, they think, they use the phone. I don't know what the hell's going on," he said.
     According to the poll, 53% of Americans read in the bathroom, 47% think, and 33% use the phone.
     "I know it adds up to more than 100%," Flush said, responding to critics. "I think people are maybe thinking and reading or on the phone and thinking or who knows, they might be reading and on the phone," he said.
     "Or it could be there's a 50% margin of error," he added.
     Toiletmakers voiced concern about the extraordinary amount of phone usage.
     "Don't use the phone when you're on the throne," said John John, president of Toilets Are Us, from nearby Cincinnati, quoting the organization's bumpersticker.
     "It's dangerous," he said, but he did not elaborate.
     Americans For Safe Bathroom Use has called for Congressional hearings regarding the safety of using a cell-phone in the bathroom. And Mothers Against Indecent Stuff (MAIS) have also called for hearings.
     "What, exactly, are these people reading?" Mrs. Inqui Sition demanded to know.
     MAIS is an off-shoot of Tipper Gore's now-defunct Parents For Labeling Music We Don't Like.
     Flush said RecentPoll was planning to do a survey to determine how people use the bedroom, but cancelled those plans.
     "If we find out they're not sleeping, then I don't know what," he mumbled.