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Established April 17, 2001
EDITORIALS
Columns, Letters To The Editor
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ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN'! If only George Bush had appointed Edwin Starr to be his National Security Adviser instead of Condoleeza Rice. Edwin would've told him. And what's with the Generals, saying "Slow down, be cautious, are you sure you wanna do that? It's tougher than you think." If only George Bush had actually served in the Vietnam War. But then, why should he? Cheney didn't. Gingrich, DeLay, Hastert-- it's a long, long list. If only the newspapers would quit running those lengthy pieces about Kennedy's caution during the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the Generals did want to go to war. And now they've started the pieces about Eisenhower, and the patience he showed dealing with the Soviets during the 50s. There's alot of information out there about war and how it never seems to go how it's planned. The best-educated men lead the North and South during the Civil War, and very little went as projected. Of course Saddam Hussein is a bad guy, and if only anti-war spokespeople didn't have to acknowledge that, as if being against this lunatic idea was in reality an endorsement of Hussein's barbarism. But they did what they set out to do: Karl Rove wasn't even secret about it. He said to his inner circle of campaigners, make the war front and center, blow the economy off the page. And Bush and all the GOP lieutenants listened, and here, weeks before the election, with the economy in the toilet, the war is on the front page. Edwin Starr would've told him. War? It's good for absolutely nothin'. |
WHIP THEIR IRAQI BUTTS! Why wait? Like the U.N. has got it together? The time has come, has long-since come, to lay into Iraq and wipe them off the face of the Earth. Not just the leaders. Enough of that simpleton crap. If those people were worth saving they'd've already put a bullet in Hussein. They'd've already pulled off a coup, started a revolution. The fact is, those people like the guy! Hell, they all voted for him. I mean, we all like George Bush, but we don't all vote for him. It's risky enough fixing an election, imagine what those ACLU types would howl if Florida came in 100 to 1 for Dubya! In the words of George Wallace, "quit pussyfootin' around!" Jeez, you got all this hardware that my hard-earned tax dollars have been paying for, and it's money well-spent ever since that draft-dodger vacated the White House. What I'm saying is, it's time to use that hardware. Hit 'em with everything we got. Drones, missiles, tanks, bombers-- hell, throw in a dose of anthrax. Somebody's got it stored somewhere. And while we're at it, let's lose this talk about Regime Change. Sounds like some guy who's been pussywhipped into changing diapers. We're not interested in a Regime Change. We're interested in wiping them out! Let's get plainspoken: get rid of the people, grab the oil, put this country back on the move again. What I worry about is Dubya's too soft. Like his old man, too gentile, drawing the line in the sand and not finishing the job. Where the hell is Patton when you need him? |
From The LeftIS POGO RIGHT AGAIN?! - We are about to go to war with Iraq, ostensibly because they are a tyrannical regime that kills its own people and threatens everyone else. Same with North Korea. And maybe Iran. In our race to prepare to fight terrorism there are steady plans to increase the centralization of command and control of all law enforcement agencies, to increase FBI activity, and to increase domestic CIA activity. And there is talk-- more than talk, really, of figuring out ways around the Posse Commitatus restrictions so that the military can do more in the way of civilian law enforcement. And every piece of this escalation of a martial state has its reason, its rational. There are terrorists among us. Bombers. Snipers. Who can deny it? Our president wants to behave as quickly and as unilaterally as possible. Even if it means ignoring the generals. The media can't wait as they denigrate anyone with a go-slower opinion. World news on our mainstream media is virtually non-existent. Are we making reasoned decisions, or are we operating in a vaccuum, manipulated. I thought it was a white van, but it was a blue Caprice. We are all prisoners of the information we get. And the information we're getting is that we must gear up, ignore the economic indicators, ignore the crazy critics and the foreigners, and move as rapidly forward into an all-American police state, with a flag in one hand and a rally monkey in the other. It is tempting to resist Pogo, and it's also tempting to accept his suggestion too quickly. "We have met the enemy and it is us." Is Pogo right? SNIPERS? AIR STRIKES! Dear Editor, All I know is this: when they say there's a sniper in Afghanistan, they call in an air strike. Curt LeMay, Jr. Harumph, Nebraska I REMEMBER MONDALE Dear Editor, I remember Mondale, and you're no Mondale. Ella Memorex Acetate, Pennsylvania RYDER'S IMAGINATION Dear Editor, So Winona Ryder says she was shoplifting to prepare for a movie role. That's rich. That's really rich. That's like saying all John Muhammed was doing was preparing for a movie role. Michael Leigh Claptrap, England |
From The CenterI WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT - Well to tell you the truth, and I can if I want, when the question of launching pre-emptive strikes beginning unilateral military action against a country that had not and has not attacked us, I didn't know what to do. I know that's hard to believe, but I swear it's true. My first inclination was to talk about the need for all of us to understand that we are at a special place in history. But then I wondered if everyone really needed to understand that before I proceeded. Then I talked to Hillary and she said "Bill, I'm going to vote for that resolution just to show people that I'm my own woman and I'm not tied to your wimpy, namby-pamby foreign policy." Up until that point, I hadn't thought of my foreign policy as being wimpy or namby-pamby. I launched hundreds of air strikes in the balkans and hundreds more in Iraq. That's hardly the act of a wimp, or a namb or pamb. But I never did start an all-out war, especially one that risked the lives of everyone on Earth, what with nuclear power and poison gas being what they are. Then it occurred to me that Hillary was supporting Bush's resolution just to get back at me for getting blowjobs from Monica Lewinsky. So I said, "Making foregin policy decisions on the basis of your husband's ill-advised sexual activity is not wise and does not serve the American people." Well, you would've thought that I'd accused her of being a bimbo. She shouted that one had nothing to do with the other and what did I take her for and things like that. Now that I've had time to think about it, I think my first inclination was to start an all-out war, to launch a pre-emptive strike, unilaterally, against a nation that hadn't attacked us. But let me tell you what you might already suspect. Once I'd gotten a blowjob from that thong-wearing chick, my inclination to start an all-out war vanished. To tell you the truth, and I can if I want, the very thing that secured my legacy as a president who squandered opportunities and degraded the Oval Office is the thing that kept us out of a nuclear war! So my suggestion is for Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz to get a blowjob-- heck, get several blowjobs-- from thong-wearing young chicks with wide eyes and succulent lips, and then take your hand off the triggers and work this thing diplomatically. Blowjobs for Peace. That's somethin' the American people can rally around. Y'see, the American people're not dumb. |
From The Right
THE DEMOCRATS ARE STEALING THE ELECTION AND THE LIBERAL MEDIA DOESN'T CARE- Senator Robert Torrecelli commits crimes and is condemned by the U.S. Senate. He runs for re-election and begins to plummet in the polls. How can the Democrats steal this election? They have Torrecelli resign and they slip in a ringer at the last minute, someone who hasn't been caught commiting crimes, someone who isn't plummeting in the polls. And the Liberal Media reports this as if substituting one candidate for another before an election is a-okay! Then Sen. Paul Wellstone dies in a plane crash. So what if he was a man of his convictions? It's a week before the election and the Democratic party pulls the same thing! They slip in a ringer, someone who hasn't campaigned. These substitutions undermine the American political process. Campaign? We don' need no stinkin' campaign. The Democrats sabotage the campaign process by running high-profile icons. And their partners, the Liberal Media, just go with it, pretending this is all a-okay. Well where is the hoopla? Where is the outrage? Where is the documentary documenting this unprecedented theft of two elections which could mean the theft of the senate? As I write this, the election is a week away. This theft can be stopped! Everyone, Democrat, Republican, Green, must vote Republican in these two elections. It's the only way to save our country, save our electoral system, and preserve our democracy. Vote Republican. It's the patriotic thing to do. GULF WAR VETERANS ARE DANGEROUS Dear Editor, Has anybody else but me noticed that Gulf War veterans are dangerous? Timothy McVeigh was a Gulf War veteran. So is John Muhammed. And there was another guy, too, I think. And Dick Cheney! I'd say this is reason enough not to have another war over there. Lee Harvey Oswald Book Depository, Texas BOWLING FOR MICHAEL MOORE Dear Editor, I am making a documentary. It's called "Bowling For Michael Moore". And here's the thing. It's really about bowling. I'm just using Michael Moore's name to get some attention. Did it work? Charlton Heston Rome, Italy |
| DA DO ENRON, DA DO ENRON "I invested on a Monday and my heart stood still. Da do Enron ron, Da Do Enron. Now it turns out I gotta pay the bill. Da do Enron ron, Da Do Enron." The words to the old song speak volumes. Or, as David Bromberg once sang, "A man should never gamble... more than he can stand to lose." But that's what you get with unregulated capitalism: crooks and scoundrels taking advantage of hardworking people who see no way to secure their future other than to invest in ponzi schemes and deceptions and hope for the best. Kenneth Lay and his Texas Con Artists are the current and most prominent in a long, historical line of swindlers. They bought politicians, created phony companies, bullshitted about what they were up to, and stole from the poor and middle-class to give to themselves. It is the biggest robbery in history. And it's a damn good thing John Walker Lindh has been denied bail, or it might go on-- You get it: what the hell are Lay and Skilling and the rest of these outlaws still doing out of jail? Didn't they conspire against the United States Government (the part they didn't own)? Various state governments? The American people? Man, it's times like these when devotion to liberal tendencies sure is tough. The urge to get a rope and hang 'em is strong. Hang 'em, and display 'em in coffins, like they did the Dalton gang after that bank robbery in Coffeyville. Or just shoot 'em down, like Hoover's FBI did to Dillinger. Blam! Blam! Blam! But we can't do that. We're civilized. It's what separates us from the Taliban, and that's actually important. So instead we will have hearings. Shredded papers will be reassembled. Secret communications will be revealed and eventually, unless this thing is sidetracked the way Iran-Contra was sidetracked, Bush and Cheney and Bush the Elder and many of their cohorts will be jailed along with Lay and his outlaw gang. We have an opportunity. Let us demonstrate to the world that even during a war against bloody terrorists, this country is so strong it can investigate and toss out a thoroughly corrupt administration and still go on pursuing democracy. And anybody who thinks we're not that strong-- well, go join John Walker Lindh, 'cause you're kind of mixed up. And the next time someone says to you "privatize social security" or "deregulate energy" or "the free marketplace will provide" or "God Bless Texas", y'oughta look at 'em the same way you'd look at someone playing professional football without a helmet and say, in the immortal words of Harley Newhouse, "Are you fuckin' nuts?" | A THIRD-RATE ROBBERY GETS TOO MUCH ATTENTION It's time to blame the media, because they've done it again. They've taken a third-rate robbery and blown it all out of proportion, hoping to bring down a president, just to sell newspapers. Like the break-in at the Watergate Office Building almost thirty years ago, the alleged theft of some money from some investors in a legal corporation known as Enron is now being reported as something much more sinister. But let's look at the facts, because, as President Ronald Reagan once said, "Facts are stubborn things." Fact number one: George W. Bush is president. This is a fact the media and a minority of people unable to punch a ballot will never forgive or forget. Fact number two: Kenneth Lay is a businessman with every God-given right to assert his Constitutional rights against self-incrimination. Check your Bible. Fact number three: Electricity does not belong to the public. It belongs to people who find it, create it, sell it. It is not free, like dirty air and polluted water. It costs money. Fact number four: All Kenneth Lay did was invest his time and energy to build a company to sell electricity, and when the truth comes out, he will be exonerated. That's a fact. Now there are those who claim that Vice President Cheney fashioned a national energy policy based on the influence of Enron, to benefit Enron. But they have no proof. Sure, they assert they have a right to records of Cheney's meetings, but they have no such right. And Cheney has already said, not under oath, that no influence took place, that his recommendations on energy policy, followed by the President of the United States, were for the benefit of the American people. In a time of war, it is a risky thing to challenge a Vice President's integrity. But the media could care less about consequences. The media act as if deviant sex took place, interviewing people, reading reports, constantly going on television with questions and accusations and what they call "facts". They never mention the four facts listed above, which actually are facts. In 1973 and 1974 the American people were fooled into believing that Richard Nixon should leave office because he had ordered a third-rate burglary and we lost one of the best presidents we ever had. In 1986 and 1987 the American people watched their favorite president become crippled as the media persisted in demonstrating with evidence supplied by those who knew better that Reagan had lied and we had indeed traded arms for hostages and sold arms in order to finance a necessary war against people who couldn't even speak English. In 1992 we un-elected one of our best presidents because of his lips, all because of media manipulation. Do we want to make that mistake again? It's time to let a third-rate robbery be a third-rate robbery. Re-elect George W. Bush. The job's not yet done. |
| From The Left A CONSPIRACY THEORY WORTH LOOKING AT - Did the Taliban meet with Texas oil representatives and government representatives through the spring and summer of last year to discuss the construction of an oil pipeline-- a pipeline the U.S. and U.S. oil interests have wanted to build since the late 70s in Afghanistan? Did the U.S. believe, until very late last summer, that the Taliban government was the stable government in the region, the best to do business with? Did officials within the then-new Bush administration restrain anti-terrorist investigations against Osama Bin Laden because of his connection with the Taliban, who the administration was trying to do business with? Did the U.S., in August '01, threaten the Taliban, declaring that their conditions to build the pipeline were unreasonable and if they did not reconsider they would face the military might of the U.S.? Did we piss off Bin Laden with those threats the way we pissed off the Japanese by cutting their supplies of our oil and materials? (Not that that exonerates the Japanese and Bin Laden for their hideous, bloodthirsty responses.) Is any of what can be found at http://serendipity.magnet.ch/wot/bl_tft.htm true? IS THIS ALL ABOUT OIL? AGAIN? A friend of mine once had dinner with General Westmoreland. My friend had opposed the Vietnam war. At that dinner Westmoreland told him, he said, that the real reason the U.S. was in Vietnam was to protect the oil in Indonesia, to make sure the Communists didn't get it. In 1980 the American people rejected a president who put solar panels on the White House and elected a president who, within weeks, tore them off the White House. Any reading of the last fourty-five years of U.S. government history reveals, even to the non-conspiracy minded, that the government has lied to us over and over and over again. What was the U.S. relationship with the Taliban? What is the truth about the pipeline? Why, with the prospect of alternative energies and more energy-efficient automobiles, does the oil industry still have so much say in foreign policy? CONFUSED BY DIVERSIONS Dear Editor, Is the Enron scandal getting all this coverage to divert our attention from the war? Or is the Homeland Security Alert and the War getting coverage to divert our attention from Enron? And what about campaign finance reform? I used to think the Olympics might be a diversion, but since it's on NBC (No Body Cares) I know I was wrong about that. Phillip Bosley Brinksmanship Falls, Idaho ICE SKATING AND KEN LAY Dear Editor, Ken Lay is the Tonya Harding of corporations. I'm tellin' ya. Just watch. He'll be posing in Playboy next. Well not him. But one of his mistresses. It'll come out. You'll see. Nigel Dawson Nostre Damus, Ohio MALKOVICH SHOULD PLAY LAY Dear Editor, I think John Malkovich should play Kenneth Lay in the movie version. They look alike. Almost. And he's the best! Jon Lovitz should play everyone else who worked for Enron. Get it? Lorne Michaels New York, New York | From The Center I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT - Well to tell you the truth, and I can if I want, when the question of corruption and oil and big money and selling the Lincoln Bedroom came up during my administration, I didn't know what to do. I know that's hard to believe, but I swear it's true. My first inclination was to talk about pain, but I didn't know if the American people could understand that it was painful for me to deal with questions concerning my inability to know right from wrong when it comes to money and financial contributions. Then I talked to Dick Morris on the phone and between orgasms he urged me to deflect the issue by taking about Race and Sex. Then Al Gore and Janet Reno called. You remember them. He ran for president after me and actually lost, and she's running for Governor of Florida, demonstrating how gravity works. Al said Bill-- that's what he called me, and I let him-- he said, Bill, I think I took some money illegally. And I said, Al, don't worry about it. You have no record of standing for anything or being consistent about anything. You only exist to fulfill the American people's faith in denial, and as the center square to block Bush. No one cares if you took money. And Janet said, Bill, asshole conservative rightwing two-faced hypocritical Clarence-Thomas-loving Senators and Congressman are calling on me to conduct an investigation of Al. What should I do? And I said Janet, don't worry about it. Don't pay any attention. Consider the source. Besides, you've got the guns. You blew away those pissants in Waco. Something George W. should'a done when he was out signing death warrants and drinking with Kenny Lay. Just remind 'em your trigger-finger is itchy and you got away with it once already, and they'll back off. But I'll tell you this. I'm happy Lay is a Republican. I'm sure I'd've been impeached if I'd faced a press corps and a congress armed with blowjobs and friendship with a man so completely corrupt. Hell, they'd've gone after me for using Lay's Enron airplane to campaign. That'd be in the headlines for weeks. I don't know why they're not making a bigger deal of it with Bush. It must be the war. I didn't have a war to hide behind. But to tell you the truth, and I can if I want, I wish I'd thought of keeping that kind of company and getting all the benefits that derive from it. I'd've like to fly around in Kenny's jet while campaigning, like Bush did. Of course, the comparisons between my corruptions and Bush's corruptions are really pretty slim. I got a blowjob or two. Hell, I didn't even cum all the time. Must've been the latent effects of the marijuana I didn't smoke. Bush, he and his family have been swimming in rotten money for decades. And here's the real difference between Republicans and Democrats. We're all corrupt. It's just that Democrats take the money and put some of it back on the street; Republicans take it and keep it. That's somethin' the American people can rally around. Y'see, the American people're not dumb. |
From The Right
JUST LOOK AT A MAP AND DO THE MATH - There's drug dealers and narco-terrorists in central and south America. There's a bunch of yodeling rightwing militant Muslims in northern Africa, the mideast, and central Asia. Europe gets a hard-on just thinking about the EuroDollar. England mourns the death of a Princess it used to ridicule. That mass killer Milosevic is on trial for war crimes and might just get off. The Balkans are so balkanized it makes the concept of balkanization look quaint. And Canada wants to take the Olympics ice skating decision favoring Russia to the World Court. Do the math, folks. We're alone. So it's time to put the uni in unilateral. Hussein? Dead! Khameni? Dead! Qadaffi? Dead! Arafat? Dead! Castro? Dead! Drug dealers? Dead? Bin Laden? Dead! We've got to stop mollycoddling these folks. And we've got to stop criticizing our own. Whether it's Ralph Nader or Kenneth Lay, whether it's Alan Dershowitz or John Ashcroft, whether it's Joe Lieberman or Jerry Falwell, we've got to pull together. So what if Nader's an idiot? He's our idiot, by God! And so what if Lay's a thief-- and that has yet to be proven in this country where any man without the last name of Lindh is presumed innocent until proven guilty-- He's our thief! Patriotism is more than waving a flag, as any one of those lefties who march around and chant will tell you. Patriotism is saying, hey, we're all Americans, so fuck you! If you're an American, and you don't like the Super Bowl, that's your right. But if you're not an American, and you don't like the Super Bowl, you're just so wrong you're lucky we don't have daisy cutter bombs in individual sizes. No lip. That ought to be our motto. Like Don't Tread On Me. Drug dealers and narco terrorist, if you cut the CIA out of the loop and fail to give them a substantial cut of the action, you're going down. I know it's tough talk. And nobody likes long lines. But I'd even wear handcuffs if it meant the planes would fly safely. And you will, too! One more thing. Homosexuals. The thing is, like it or not, they are Americans. The best approach is, don't think about two guys doing it, think about two women doing it. If you're an American who doesn't agree with this Common Sense, I won't charge you with treason. I'll just say an unequivocably as I can: look at a map and do the math. HOW ABOUT NO SHOES? Dear Editor, Why do people need to wear shoes when they fly? :Think about it. Ramps are carpeted. Planes are carpeted. Nobody steps on your feet. And without shoes you have more foot-room. I vote we outlaw shoes when you're flying a plane. I know it's not really a vote, but that's what I think. Buster Soul Barefoot, MO |
| OSCAR NOMINATIONS SUCK Dear Editor, I'm eleven years old and I say the Oscar Nominations suck! I don't know who Oscar is, but I'm sure he didn't see the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE, Harry Potter! Harry Potter rules! I've been watching movies all my life and I never heard of Gosford Park. And who wants to watch a movie about grown-ups arguing in a bedroom? You can see that in real life. I think Lord of the Rings got all those nominations because it's about Jesus. I believe in Jesus, just like everyone else, but Harry Potter rules! I think the whole thing was rigged. Maybe tourists secretly took over. I mean, maybe they flew into California in planes with ballots with hanging chads hidden in their shoes and they messed up the Oscar election to weaken our country. At least, that's what my Dad thinks. My Dad knows, Harry Potter rules! Please do something about this, because I don't want to die of cancer. Denny Dennison Dartmouth, Alabama | WHERE ARE THE INDIANS? Dear Editor, I went to see the movie Black Hawk Down and there are no Indians. Not a one. There's all these Somalis and all these Americans shooting at one another, but there are no Indians. No wagons in a circle, either. I thought the movie was about Black Hawks. They're an Indian tribe. In the north-northwest. It's like when I went to the Jeep dealership and looked at a Jeep Cherokee. It had nothing to do with Cherokees. Not a thing. I bet those Apache helicopters are not flown by Apaches. What has become of this country? Horace Greely Sutter's Mill, CA THE TALIBAN AND ENRON Dear Editor, I know it's probably not right and all to say something good about the Taliban, but I bet they wouldn't allow Enron to steal. Am I right or am I right? Betty Lou Hamper Moab, Utah | WHASSUP? Dear Editor, Whassup? That's what I want to know. You know what I'm sayin'? That's what I'm talkin' about. Mojo Verde Philadelphia, Mississippi THE NAME OF THE GAME Dear Editor, The name of the game is money. That's why Kenneth Lay did what he did. If the name of the game was charity, he would've done something else. John Parker Parkerbrothers, PA HEALTH CARE IS AN OXYMORON Dear Editor, I just learned what an oxymoron is. It's health care. That's an oxymoron. Better than military intelligence. It's got oxy in it, which could be oxygen. That's what we breathe. If we can afford health care. But wait, health care doesn't exist. It's an oxymoron. John Doe Luckenbach, TX |
| WILL THE CIRCLE BE BROKEN? There is a song folkies and their ilk sing that goes like this: "Will the circle be unbroken, by and by lord, by and by. There's a better home a-waiting in the sky, lord, in the sky." Interpret it as you will, there's one thing that's clear. It's about wanting the circle to remain unbroken. What circle? Beats me. But let's take a look at one circle that should be broken. It's the circle of the U.S. helping the wrong leader and then that leader hurting us. It's happened time and again. The latest is Osama Bin Laden. Before that was Saddam Hussein. Before him was Noriega. Quite a circle. Now, why do we make this mistake? In World War II we got it right. We didn't back Mussolini or Hitler or Hirohito. They were ruthless, imperialist dictators, plain and simple. Much worse than King George III, when you get down to cases, and we threw King George and his lobsterbacks the hell out of our country and said "we'll run things from here on out." So what happened after WWII? Well, among other things (like rock n roll!!!), we were so scared of Stalin and communism that we backed French Colonialism instead of Vietnamese independence, and Cuban Fascism instead of a people's revolution. Instead of waving the flag and leading the charge for democracy, we sold out our WWII ally Ho Chi Minh and we supported Batista against Fidel. Further, we got rid of popularly elected leaders in Iran and Guatemala and put strongmen (read: dictators) in there place. Several years later, we actually started a school to train foreign soldiers to fight against democracy all over the globe. So when the Iranians overthrew the Shah (our guy) we helped Saddam Hussein to fight against the Iranians, and when the Soviets, whose government was on its last legs, invaded Afghanistan we threw our support behind the right-wing fundamentalists including Bin Laden. When the Sandinistas, with popular support, got rid of the dictator Somoza (our guy) we recruited gun-runners, drug-dealers and all kinds of black ops people and mercenaries, including Noriega, to fight to restore a dictatorship. When Hussein invaded Kuwait (Bush Sr. said it was a democracy) we pulled together a coalition of all sorts of unsavory characters and corralled him. So now Bin Laden is organizing people because we put our troops on Saudi soil. You know, the only democracy we've supported since WWII is Israel, and half the time that support is questionable, as we need oil on Arab lands, and we needed them to help defeat Hussein, and we need them now to fight Bin Laden and terrorism and evil. So, if we work with and support unsavory characters and despotic countries now (who exactly is the Northern Alliance? And should we really be helping Syria and Pakistan?), how soon before it bites us on the ass? Will the circle be broken? | THE LAST LAUGH When George W. Bush stole the election there were alot of people who were upset, but boy, now the shoe is on the other foot. Why? Because it takes thieves, connivers, and thugs to fight terrorists. Bush and his team proved in Florida that they had the know-how to fight against the bad guys. Whether or not Gore is a bad guy is moot. It was the Bush Network that prevented folks from voting, it was the Bush Network that spun the media coverage so people nationwide started believing uncounted ballots rejected by machines, if counted, would be a recount instead of a count; it was the Bush Network that sent congressional aides to break up the counting of ballots in Dade County; it was the Bush Network that strongarmed the Supreme Court into insisting that those whose votes had been counted had constitutional rights to be protected from those whose votes hadn't been counted; it was the Bush Network that outmaneuvered Gore at every turn. Good grief, if Gore had been elected, our only hope would be that his boring monotone voice and longwindedness would bore the enemy to death. On the other hand, his constantly patronizing, condescending tone would probably have inflamed them even more. No, we are lucky that Bush had the mettle, the will, and the organization to steal that election. And let's revisit that notion for a moment. Did Bush really steal it? Or did he just behave like a frontiersman, an individual, faced with tough choices, choosing to be an American in the footsteps of Jim Bridger and Francis Scott Key and P.T. Barnum and General George Armstrong Custer? If you remember, the American people who voted were divided almost 50-50. Bush demonstrated leadership by stepping forward and saying "I'll take that." That's the kind of leadership necessary to take on Osama Garbage-bin Laden. Like President Andrew Jackson, hero of the Battle of New Orleans, who helped steal Georgia from the Cherokee, Bush committed no crime. Instead, he showed he's rough 'n ready. So who's got the last laugh? We do. LET 'EM ALL LIVE AND LET GOD SORT IT OUT War Fever is in the air. Patriotism and super-Patriotism flourish. People of Arab and Persian descent fly American flags on their cars just so the rest of us loyal Americans will know we shouldn't beat the crap out of them or target them on a drive-by. Soon, very soon, there will be loyalty oaths. Sign one before you get on the plane. Peace is never easy, and ideals are not ideals if they're only fodder for coffee-table discussion, and ignored when push comes to shove. Self-defense and self-preservation are worthy. Revenge is not Would it work to say: Let 'em all live and let God sort it out? |
| From The Left TIME TO CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES OF DRUGS - Watching the news, I miss the stoned generation. If there ever was a time and place when, in Dylan's words, "everybody must get stoned" it is certainly now. People who have no idea what they're talking about are on TV talking about stuff they have no knowledge of. The hawks are so eager to wipe away the memory of Vietnam that they'll actually send troops into a place that makes Vietnam look like a picnic. Newscasters educated at God Knows Where University refer to Saudi Arabia as "our longtime ally". Arabs Muslims fly planes into buildings and people go on TV and say "It's the Jews' fault." Young men brought up on war movies where nobody really dies rush to enlist. The United States bombing of Iraq over the last ten years is marginalized. And what's with CNN and all these new people they've got on the air talking to me as if they belong there and I should listen? And there's all these articles about how stand-up comics have to be careful and sensitive, as if they usually say anything but stupid stuff most of the time. "The difference between cats and dogs"... Yeah, I'm telling you, man: drugs. Massive quantities. It is the only thing that's gonna get you through this crisis. Y'see, this used to be a great country once. Nic nic, nic. | From The Center I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT - Well to tell you the truth, and I can if I want, when the question of waging war on terrorism and evil came up during my administration, I didn't know what to do. I know that's hard to believe, but I swear it's true. My first inclination was to talk about pain, but I didn't know if evil could experience pain. Then I talked to Dick Morris on the phone and between orgasms he urged me to start a war. Then Paula Jones called. You remember her. And she said she remembered when I used to be against war, before I started authorizing bombing in Iraq, the Balkans, Sudan and Afghanistan, and she pointed out none of that bombing was working and I was just creating subsequent generations of anti-American terrorists. She said, Bill-- that's what she called me, because you know, all those women called me that-- Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. She said, Bill, you ought to explore diplodocus channels. I'm sure she meant diplomatic. Now of course I realize she was just part of a right-wing conspiracy trying to draw me away from making war on terrorism and evil so they could discredit my legacy in the future. Well I discredited myself before they even got the chance. Pretty smart, huh? Y'see, I wanted to declare war on terrorism and evil, but I couldn't do it rightaway. If I'd done it rightaway, you know, during my first term, or the first three years of my second term, it'd've jeopardized the other things I was either trying to do or putting off or spinning or avoiding. So I put off a decisive action as long as I could. But to tell you the truth, and I can if I want, I wish I'd thought of declaring a war on evil the way Bush did. Of course, if I had, I would've come up with a better name. Sure, his speech was great, but Infinite Justice and Enduring Freedom are just not names the people're gonna rally around. I mean, that dog won't hunt. If it was up to me, an' it could'a been if y'all had changed the law, I'd've called it Operation We're Number One or Operation We Are The Champions. That's somethin' the American people can rally around. Y'see, the American people're not dumb. | From The Right RESTRAINT? HELL NO! - What is Bush waiting for? Isn't it time to drop some bombs? Answer: you bet it is. The only good terrorist is a dead terrorist and it's been over two weeks and we haven't killed a single terrorist. That's a piss-poor body count. We've got the bombs and gravity is on our side. Fly plane, open bomb bay door, drop bomb. What do you get? Dead terrorists. Now I'm not suggesting we kill innocent civilians. Bomb military targets. You say there are none in Afghanistan? Well pardon me, but if they have a military, they've got military targets. And so what if we can't already bomb them back to the stone-age because it's already like the stone-age there. Let's just remember our history. The stone age featured people who used tools. There was a time before that when people didn't use tools 'cause they hadn't invented them yet. That's where we should bomb them back to... the pre-stone age! Fine by me if you want to move all the civilians out first. But let's hubba hubba. Time's a wastin'. War fever doesn't last long. Not with an easily distracted country like ours. If Bush doesn't move now, focus will be lost and all the energy is going to be diverted by the start of football season. And while they're at it, let's knock off all this talk about how long this is gonna take. Two months. Bring the boys home by Christmas. The girls, too. It's important to set a goal. And if you can't fulfill the "Powell Doctrine"-- identified enemy, identified goal, exit strategy-- then just come up with a new doctrine. Call it The Bush Doctrine: fight evil now. Bush has to be like Lincoln. If Powell won't do it, fire him and keep firing generals til he gets one who fights. Not to mention what war will do for the economy. Those chickenshit investers will come around once the war starts going. They may not be patriots, but they can smell a buck. So why wait? I think we're good to go. |
| ANIMAL RIGHTS Do people have the right to be animals? Do they have the right to choose sexual partners and act on their impulses? Or must they develop a code of behavior and embrace a story that encourages a set of values and condemns those who stray? If the answer is the latter, then which story? Do people have the right to lie just because they have the ability? Should we always tell the truth? Always? Where do we get our ideas about what expectations are reasonable and what behavior is criminal? Why is Gary Condit a criminal for not talking to the police about his affair with Chandra Levy during the first interview, but Jesse James is a folk hero for killing people and robbing banks and trains? What if Butch Cassidy robbed you? What if Paul Newman robbed you? Do you like his salad dressing? Why is Levy's disappearance more important than the injury to and detention of Americans in Italy who peacefully protested at the G8 Globalization Summit in Genoa? Is asking questions the best way to get answers? When professional football coach Marv Levy, probably no relation to Chandra, was asked if Buffalo's fourth Super Bowl game was a "must win" after their three previous defeats, he replied "World War II was a must win." Is this a reasonable perspective? Is perspective necessary? Is it more fun to engage in provocative discussion or to follow the shiny, bouncing ball? Is The Sopranos TV show anti-Wop? Do you like the smell of napalm in the morning? When President Michael Douglas had the affair with the intern Catherine Zeta-Jones, many years his junior, should he have been impeached? How about when he had the affair with Warren Beatty's wife? Is there a difference between truth and fiction, and if so, why? Positions should be taken. If only there really were inquiring minds. | EUROPE EXCITED ABOUT UPCOMING ECONOMIC UNION Fictional Times European Reporter & Analyst Dunkirk, France - (GIN) - Representatives of European nations who met here recently in this lovely, seaside community with its significant history and picaresque ruin-studded beaches continued their plans for a United Europe, due to take effect next year. British representative Namby Chamberlain said the majority of Europeans are very excited about the union. "This is something that has been in the works for a long time," Chamberlain said. "If it hadn't been for American interference, Europe would have been united more than fifty years ago." "We are tres excited," gushed Vichy Maginot, the French Attache to the new union. "We do not even have to surrender this time." German officials are especially enthusiastic about the union, which appears to accomplish what several military attempts failed to do. "We look forward to our friends and allies throughout Europe joining us in this great venture," said German Obersturmbahnfuhrer Heinrich Streicher Eichmann, "and we anticipate a long and lasting Reich--er, relationship." Some German officials had some concerns about the startling number of Jews and other ethnic minorities among the populations of their European neighbors, but felt that it posed no stumbling block to the union. "We have found solutions to that problem before, haven't we?" said Eichmann. Long a dream of several European countries, especially Germany, plans to unify Europe began in earnest when the Berlin Wall was removed and stored for future use by Germany "should the need arise," said Eichmann. |
| From The Left TOO BAD BUSH DIDN'T READ H.G.WELLS - At the end of H.G. Wells War Of The Worlds the Martians are done in by germs. If President Bush had his way, they would have been done in by prayer. Gene Barry would've stepped up to the huge Martian towers that were walking across the Earth, fallen to his knees, and prayed to God that the Martians just go away and leave us alone to procreate with the benefit of marriage but without the benefit of science. If Mr. Bush had his way, this would be the Dark Ages. That would certainly solve the energy crisis. Apparently Mr. Bush would prefer that scientists restrain themselves from being scientific. Explore, but not too much, Mr. Bush would counsel. Just go half way to the Moon. Of course, Mr. Bush can afford to have these attitudes. He's rich. Rich people get to be hypocritical. They get to make their money from technology invented by scientists while at the same time condemning science. And what about him wanting to put nuclear weapons in space? If we should be against science, why don't we just trust that God, who lives in space, will be there to help us when the time comes? The War Of The Worlds was not a book about Martians invading Earth; it was a book to explain biology to the masses, to teach them about the unseen enemy: germs, and to overcome another enemy: ignorance. | From The Center I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT - Well to tell you the truth, and I can if I want, when the question of stem cell research came up during my administration, I didn't know what to do. I know that's hard to believe, but I swear it's true. My first inclination was to talk about pain, but I didn't know if stem cells could experience pain. Then I talked to Chris Reeve on the phone and between breaths he urged me to support the research. Then Mary Tyler Moore talked to me. She's with some organization that cares about juveniles with diabetes. Boy, I'll tell you, she's still got it. I offered her a job in the White House, but she turned me down. She said, Bill-- that's what she called me, because you know, on all those CBS shows like her show and Bob Newhart's show they always started sentences using the name of the person they were talking to-- Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. She said, Bill, support the research. But I couldn't do it rightaway. If I'd done it rightaway, you know, during my first term, or the first three years of my second term, it'd've jeopardized the other things I was either trying to do or putting off or spinning or avoiding. So I put off action as long as I could. But to tell you the truth, and I can if I want, I wish I'd thought of the compromise Bush's folks came up with. Of course, if I had, I would've sold it better. Sure, his speech only took eleven minutes, but he's spent the whole weekend still talking about his decision. A good three hour speech would've solved that problem. Y'see, the American people're not dumb. | From The Right MR. BUSH, MEET MR. STALIN - What if, in 1946, Josef Stalin had said to his people, "Nyet!"? The fact is, he did say "Nyet" and millions of Russian people were murdered. That's because Stalin spoke Russian and was Godless. He did not believe in God. If he had, he would have been God-fearing and he would have so feared God's wrath that he would never have murdered those millions of people. Mr. Bush claims to be God-fearing, yet with this decision on embryonic stem cell experimentation he has agreed to the murder of countless potential people. So the question must be raised, is Bush God-fearing? Or is he just using his talk of faith to lure us into the clutches of post-Cold War Communism? His push for one-world government through international trade, his embrace of the Teamsters Union in exchange for getting their support to drill for oil in Alaska-- something he could have done without their support, all suggests that he is practicing deceit when he preaches faith. He prefers China to American embryos. It is too early to talk of impeachment. And if he is really conning us in such a murderous way then he will have to face the justice of His terrible swift sword. For now, we can only pray that he has been temporarilly mislead, perhaps by the Devil, or the Devil's use of television programming during the corrupted family hour. Life is a slippery slope. We must keep a watchful eye. |
| CONDIT, STEM CELL CONNECTION Dear Editor, Don't you think Chandra Levy's disappearance and Bush's decision on stem cell research are connected? Don't you? Huh? Well I do. Mary Jo Kopelganger Sioux Falls, South Dakota HOW TO GET PEACE IN MIDDLE EAST Dear Editor, There will only be peace in the Middle East when both sides stop fighting. Or are there more than two sides? Cleveland Littlejohn Fort Kearney, Nebraska | WHAT HAPPENED TO JON BON JOVI? Dear Editor, I think it's disgraceful that you don't write about Jon Bon Jovi anymore. I mean, she's dead, and for all we know this promiscuous intern is off hiding with her illicitly conceived love-child. I think we should all hunt for her killer. If we all line up on the Canadian border and walk south, I bet we'll get him. If only the FBI wasn't so messed up, they'd probably find him in no time. He probably wore a ski mask. Harry Lemlystock Witchita, Kansas McDONALD'S FRENCH FRIES ARE NOT FRENCH Dear Editor, I are a French Fry from McDonalds. It tasted like meat. Do French Fries come from animals? I would like to have a French Fry as a pet. Billy Dumiere Bows End, Kentucky | TAX REFUND LOST Dear Editor, When I got my $300 tax refund check I was so happy. I read in the paper that not everyone got one. It felt like I won the lottery. Then I read that smart investors were investing in bio-tech companies who were poised to do stem cell research. They said that what with the president going on TV to give a speech, it meant that he was going to endorse the research because if he was against the research he wouldn't go on TV because it was only taking a position in favor of it that would require an explanation. That sounded pretty sound to me, so I invested the whole $300 in a bio-tech stock, and then some. Then Bush gave his speech and the stock plummeted. Did this help the economic recovery? I hope so. If it did, I can feel a little better about losing the money. Jim Poultry West Memphis, Arkansas |