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JAPAN ATTACKS PEARL HARBOR | Bush Declares War On Cuba Wackydoo, TX - (GNS) - Forces of the Imperial Japanese Army attacked Pearl Harbor yesterday during memorial ceremonies in what was supposed to be a peaceful re-enactment of the historic surprise attack that we all remember so well if we're old enough. Hundreds of Japanese Zeroes bombed the shit out of Ford Field and the harbor, pretty much killing or wounding everyone there, and sinking ships named after states and presidents. "Ohmigod, there'll be another awful movie about this," one victim was heard to cry before staggering to the statue of a machine gun and trying to fire at the merciless yellow peril as they probably shouted "Banzai" from their cockpits. President Bush, upon hearing the news, flew around on Air Force One for awhile, you know, biding his time and uh, strategizing, then, in an MTV/Shopping Channel video to the music of a Toby Keith song, Bush said "This is a day that will live in memory as an infamous, a really bad day," and declared war on Cuba. (See related story, next column). No official reason for the attack was given, but unofficial sources through back channels that could be traced if journalists wanted to or cared to focus on it rather than the Kobe Peterson Jackson trial, indicated that Japan was "sick and tired of always apologizing for aggression and enslaving Chinese women for sexual purposes" every year on this date when "the United States never has to apologize for anything." Members of the Sioux and Cheyenne nation, meeting at their detention camps in Montana, were not allowed to comment. In New York, members of the United Nations agreed to debate the difference between "aggression" and "naked aggression". Many nations in the Coalition of the Willing quickly condemned the attack while several neutral nations dismissed it as "collateral damage in the game of World Domination". "We condemn this attack," the Bulgarian ambassador announced in an extensive four-word statement. Secretary of More Bullshit Than You've Ever Heard Before Including All The Bullshit You Heard During The Vietnam War Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at his regularly scheduled press conference that he regretted this would mean the United States would have to fight another war in the never-ending series of wars against terrorism. Official Japanese sources (as opposed to the unofficial ones mentioned earlier in this story) said the attack was carried out by a renegade group within their military that has secret ties to Hollywood. "We are a peaceloving people, just as the people of the United States are a peaceloving people and would never dream of doing such a thing, ever," said the Japanese Ambassador wearing Western clothing and smoking a Cuban cigar. "Just look at our history." The Ambassador said Japan has no intention of trying to build an empire through military force. "We will leave that to the United States," he said, "then we'll move in and make it work for us financially." Bulgaria, a Coalition of the Willing member, quickly announced it would send troops to La Jolla to help defend California. "We hear that La Jolla is very beautiful this time of year," said the Bulgarian ambassador. Barry Sadler could not be reached for comment. 
BUSH DECLARES WAR ON CUBA | Cites Jap Attack On Pearl Harbor And Need To Free Saudis From Religious Oppression As Reasons Wackydoo, TX - (GNS) - President Bush declared war on Cuba today in response to the suprising and brutal Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor yesterday. "This nation cannot stand divided against the naked forces of aggression and there are terrorists so help me God," Bush said. "I am telling Congress we are declaring war on Cuba. They're either with me or against me," he added. The Republican National Committee immediately released television ads to run starting this evening during the Democratic Presidential Candidates Debates brought to you live on CNN-The Offical News Channel of the State. The ads will feature the punchline "Unpatriotic malcontents and liberal do-gooders and Cuba-lovers are attacking the president for being patriotic. Vote Republican in 2004-- if you can't make it to the polls, don't worry, we've got it rigged anyway." "Fidel Castro esta es Hitler," Bush said in his war declaration statement. "The people of Cuba yearn for Cuba to be the fifty-first American state. This is not about oil. It's about the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor," Bush said. Bush said Saudis have suffered under the yoke of religious oppression for too long. "This war against Cuba will send a message to the world. Support the Saudi royal family against the attacks and conspiracies of the non-Christian religious zealots within their midst," Bush said. Democrats and Republicans alike clamored to support the president in this war against "the mother of all terrorists, Fidel Castro." "I'm against the war until we have troops there, then I'll be in favor of supporting the troops so I'll be in favor of additional funding and an indefinite presence," said a generic Democrat congressional spokesman. "War good," said a generic Republican congressional spokesman. Secretary of I Can't Believe You Buy This Shit Over And Over Again Colin Powell said the liberation of Cuba on the heels of the Nip attack will improve American baseball, "a goal all of us can embrace." The Saudi Royal Family said they will support Bulgaria entering the war against Cuba, sources close but not too close to the family said. "Let's get this puppy over with," Bush said at the end of his declaration. "I want to eat Christmas ham in Havana with the troops." Some U.N. officials, not yet imprisoned without charges, expressed concern that the U.S. "did not have the authority to go to war against Cuba." "Badges? We don' need no stinkin' badges," Attorney General John 'Son of God' Ashcroft replied. National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice, who has repeatedly denied sleeping with the president, said the war will begin "any day now" and will be over "within days". She said she did not expect a quagmire, "but then, we never do." In a four-hour three-word speech Castro responded to the U.S. war declaration. "Es muy typical," he said. 
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GORE ACTUALLY ENDORSES DEAN "Let's Blow This Election Before They Get A Chance To Steal It" Harlemphoto-opville - (GNS) - Former Democratic presidential nominee and former Vice President and former shining hope of the neo-con Democratic Leadership Council Al "Doughboy" Gore endorsed former governor of Vermont (not Connecticutt) Hobart Dean for president, surprising everyone who actually thought Gore had some sense. Gore denied positioning himself for a return presidential candidacy in 2008, since Dean will lose in 2004. "Anyone who is so cynical they would think this is not about me stepping in when Dean stumbles is just not paying attention," Gore said. Gore, who actually won the 2000 election, also denied that this was a petty move to get back at the man who betrayed him in 2000, Al Gore. "I did not betray myself by rejecting Bill Clinton. Sorry, but my ineptitude and self-hatred go much deeper than that," Gore said. Dean said he was happy Gore pulled his name from the hat. "He could've endorsed anyone, but I think he knew, as a pseudo-Democrat, that I was the real pseudo-Democrat running in this race. I mean, have you been paying attention to what Gephardt and Kerry said about my positions and their similarity to Gingrich's positions? I'm no McGovern. I'm no Humphrey. Like Gore, I'm a cypher," Dean said. Gore said his support for Dean should not be construed as anything other than an effort to blow the election before the Republicans got a chance to steal it. "It's a preemptive strike," he said. GOP strategist and White House Actual President Karl Rove said his forces would not stand down just because the Democrats were taking suicidal steps. "We have people in place to steal the election in seven key states in 2004. This could be a feint on their part," he said, "so we're maintaining our guard, we're at Defcon Five." THE FICTIONAL TIMES RESUMES PUBLICATION E-Paper Had Been Suspended By Dept. of Justice Since October Manzanar, CA - (G) - The U.S. Justice Department lifted the Suspension of Publication Order on The Fictional Times yesterday. In a brief statement the Department said, "Satire is not as dangerous as we thought. Actually, it's proving to be inconsequential." The publication had been suspended since its October 11 edition under the secret protocols within the Patriot Act. The Department would not confirm that the publication is still under Double Secret Probation. The publisher of the Fictional Times, Gary Gordon, issued a brief statement. "I was not tortured during my stay at Manzanar. The cots were comfortable. And the visit from Jane Fonda was great." Gordon said he wished Leonard Peltier would receive more attention, "but I understand Arab-American and other dissidents held secretly are the new Indians and the old Indians are yesterday's story." "Of course, I mean that satirically," Gordon said. "If I meant it actually it might be construed under the Patriot Act as a statement against "Us" and, of course, nothing could be further from the truth." Gordon's attorney, William Kunstler, urged his client to shut up at that point, so he did. |
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