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Fictional Times Exclusive: An Interview With Enron CEO Kenneth Lay Fictional Times: So you're going out of business? Kenneth Lay: Only in the broadest sense of the word. FT: Tell us what Enron did and why its failure has significance. Lay: We made Enrons. I'm not sure I'd agree we failed. It could be that our job was simply done. FT: What is an Enron? Lay: An Enron is a measurement of market share and profit. FT: You produced market share and profit? Lay: We did it very well, for awhile. FT: We're not sure we understand. We thought you produced energy. Lay: Alot of people, especially our shareholders, clients, investors and victims, had the same mistaken impression. FT: So you weren't in the energy business? Lay: Yes and no. And yes. But we didn't make energy. We made Enrons. FT: So you kind of were in the energy business? Lay: Up to a point. We entered the fringes of the industry when regulation was solidly in place. It was our business philosophy that regulation should not exist, hence the need for deregulation to accomplish the goal. FT: So you produced a philosophy? Lay: In part. But not just a philosophy. After all, a philosophy without action is, well, just a philosophy. FT: So you took action. Lay: We inserted ourselves into the pipeline, if you will. We became the middle-man between the buyers and sellers. FT: With just a philosophy? Lay: And political contacts. But don't underestimate the power of philosophy. FT: How, exactly, did it work? Lay: We went to the seller and convinced them that they could make more money if they paid us an exorbitant fee to broker their product in a deregulated environment. FT: Could they make more money? Could they raise prices that much? Was that true? Lay: Up to a point. They had to pay us for making them more money. If we hadn't pulled off the so-called California energy crisis, it would have been touch and go. FT: So you got the sellers to pay you even though they were the ones with the actual product, already selling to actual markets? Lay: Right. Shrewd, huh? Then we got the buyers to recognize that they could save money if they paid us to broker the deals with the sellers. FT: You got buyers to pay you money they could've been spending on actual product, in order to get a better deal on the product-- and you were able to arrange enough of a discount so they were saving enough money to make this worthwhile? Lay: Up to a point. FT: Just to be clear, sellers with a profitable product pay you to sell it for what you say is a greater profit and buyers pay you to get it for them for less than they're currently paying. Lay: Pretty smart, huh? FT: That's a helluva philosophy. And you actually made it work. Lay: The key was deregulation. FT: Why was that the key? Lay: Without regulation, no one was looking. We could go from closed meeting to closed meeting, from boardroom to backroom, free to do business the way it was meant to be done. FT: Meant to be done by whom? Lay: By businessmen who were not actually selling a product, by businessmen who were selling an idea. FT: So what lead to the demise of this idea? Lay: I don't think it's dead. I just think it's dormant. A sleeping giant. It will be back. FT: But you're liquidating, going bust. Lay: The company is. Personally, I made a shitload of money. FT: But, no more Enron. Lay: Well we knew that would happen. After all, it was only a matter of time before the market discovered it did not need a middleman. Our flaw was in not controlling deregulation. We should have had the authority to deregulate placed in our hands. FT: So you could regulate it? Lay: Exactly. A private, independent deregulation oversight agency, funded by the government. Enron-IDOA. I spoke to George about it, but it was too late. The cat was out of the bag. Inevitably, buyers and sellers and some keen investors figured out you can't make money selling something for more when buyers are spending their money on a broker to get it for less. FT: The sellers had to decrease their price in order to make it affordable because the buyers money was tied up with paying you to make the product cheaper. Lay: The buyers were happy for a moment. FT: But the sellers hired you to increase their profits. They weren't able to do that by lowering prices. Lay: That's one of the laws of the market we weren't able to get around. We ran models but the numbers never crunched in our favor. Then, when the price went down, the buyers realized they didn't need us anymore. FT: What happens to your stockholders? Lay: You win some, you lose some. FT: And your employees? Lay: It's a great country. FT: And the baseball stadium? Lay: I'm going to miss that. FT: I heard George won't return your calls. Lay: It's temporary. Once I get on my feet again, we'll be talking like we used to. FT: So you've got your next move figured? Lay: With my background and brief success selling Enrons, I'm ready now to move into missile defense. ECONOMY IN SHAMBLES, BUT STILL IN GREAT SHAPE Laid-Off Airline Workers To Become Federal Security Guards Desmond Redondo and Mort Smepp - The economy is in shambles but is still in great shape, the government announced today. Citing leading economic indicators, Secretary of the Treasury and New York Yankee Outfielder and Designated Hitter Paul O'Neil said "it's like this is the fifth inning and we're down five to one. Our ace pulled a muscle and had to be taken out, and Knobloch is having trouble in left field, but there's still alotta game left." He said often secondary indicators indicate more than leading indicators and that in this case secondary indicators are indicating that "things are happening in the bullpen that will turn this around." "Tertiary indicators are also important," he said. O'Neil announced that all airline workers laid-off off in the last two weeks will be hired as Federal Airport Security Guards. "They'll be trained and everything," he said, noting that baggage-handling and surveilling a crowd for suspicious characters was "really very similar". O'Neil confirmed that the economy is the number one issue on the president's list, right behind the war on terrorism, the war on drugs, the war on corporate taxes, the war on the laws that prevent oil drilling in Alaska and elsewhere, and the war on education. O'Neil said the government might have to hire "some unsavory characters" to win these wars. "SEC rules about insider trading and stock manipulation may have to be changed, but if that's what it takes to get the economy going again, well, you don't call up someone from double-A when you've got Bernie Williams on your roster," O'Neil said. AMERICANS AFRAID TO EAT OUT, SAYS FAST FOOD INDUSTRY McDonald's, Burger King Ask Congress For Federal Aid Desmond Redondo and Mort Smepp - Americans are threatening to undermine an already struggling economy because of their fear of eating out, says the Fast Food Industry (FFI). Fast Food Industry spokesman Ham Saucenfries said the industry would be requesting federal aid. "Without it, we'll crumble, and the terrorists will have won," he said. Saucenfries noted that 150,000 teenagers have already been laid off. "This may be good for Standardized Test Scores, but it's not good for the U.S. of A," he said. Americans are knowledgable about terrorist attacks, aware that Palestinian terrorists have attacked restaurants in Israel, Saucenfries said. "We realize McDonald's is not the World Trade Center, but we're not Stuckey's either," he said. Members of the Fries Cooks Union of America (FCUA) have requested the right to carry guns at work. Attorney General John "Alien & Sedition Acts" Ashcroft said he has taken the request under advisement. MICROSOFT SAYS ANTI-TERRORIST VIRUS POSSIBLE Gates Says He'll Design One To Protect U.S. If "Government Gets Off My Back" - Microsoft CEO Bill Gates said it's possible to create a virus and plant it in any computer program or computer used by a terrorist, and he can do it, but to do it would require that the "government get off my back". "We can create this, but it'll involve what the Feds call invasion of privacy, and it might involve the further expansion of the Microsoft monopoly. It's a choice the Feds will have to make," Gates said. Gates said his programmers have several programs "waiting in the wings" that can be distributed as viruses that will shut down computer communications if certain words are used. "We've also got programs that are what we call 'language smart'. If the person is typing in a language other than their native language, zap, the computer crashes," he said. Gates said he will meet with Justice Department officials to talk about these ideas. The Fictional Times Interview by Financial Correspondent Johnny Dow (originally published in the VIC newsletter, July 2000) Last night FICTIONAL TIMES conducted an exclusive interview with genome mapper J. Craig Venter, ex-con hacker Kevin Mitnick, dotcom rapper WwwLLYoDoctorWaasup?Itsthebop, and ABC anchor Peter Jennings, producer of the recent ABC special "The Search For Jesus." Venter, Mitnick and Www-Bop have just teamed up and announced plans for an IPO for their six-hours-old dot-com company, ATCG.COM, so we wanted to find out what they make of all this DNA stuff, and what it means for the Computer Industry, the Internet, and the New Economy. Www-Bop is white. Jennings is Canadian, thus, he is whiter. FT: Craig, you've just produced the map of the genetic makeup of human beings. People are comparing you to Meriweather Lewis. How's that feel? VENTER: What Lewis and Clark did was incredible. The bears of Idaho are more dangerous than the bears of Wall Street. But, look, getting from Missouri to Oregon, you just go west. Mapping the human genome? You can start in Missouri, but that doesn't mean you're half-way there. Let's just say it took a lot more than a couple of canoes and a Sacajawea. FT: It took super computers? VENTER: Really super computers. Super-duper computers. Without the computer revolution, we'd still be living without computers. JENNINGS: I have nothing to say, yet, but I'll be back, after more of this. FT: Craig, some people who looked at the genome map said it resembles the staircase in Sunset Boulevard. VENTER: Yes. FT: Okay. Let's talk about this IPO. WWW-BOP: Yo man, it'll open high and go higher. (sings) I wanna take you higher. FT: What exactly will ATCG.COM do? What product- WWW-BOP: Yo, man, it's not about product. It's about content. An' you can't get more content than A, T, C, G. FT: A, T, C, G? VENTER: A, T, C, G are the building blocks of life. Imagine the commercial possibilities. We're already planning a theme park. DNA Land. Put Legoland right out of business. Just crush 'em. Oh, and the drugs. WWW-BOP: Yeah, the drugs. JENNINGS: Why am I on this panel? I'll be back after this. FT: When you talk about the building blocks of life, are there ethical considerations? VENTER: With A, T, C, G we can build humans who have no ethics. FT: Peter? JENNINGS: Instead of building humans who have no ethics, wouldn't it be simpler to have them just watch television or join one of the two somnolent political parties? As I searched for Jesus- WWW-BOP: Yo, man, dig it. The proof is on the pavement, man. Cop shoves a broomstick, goes to jail. Cops shoot him forty-one times, get away clean. Where's the ethics in that? FT: Yes. Well, now, Kevin Mitnick, hacker, forbidden to even touch a computer, what part do you play in this Dot-com and IPO? KEVIN: My job is to hack Bill Gates. I'll get his DNA, I'll map him, I'll be able to re-create him without flaws, or with the kind of flaws we desire. FT: You're kidding, right? KEVIN: Oh no. What Craig did opens up the possibilities so much that privacy will be a quaint notion of the past. Ask the Shoshone. What privacy did they have after Lewis and Clark visited? What I did, hacking soon-to-be obsolete corporations, that's nothing compared to what I'll be able to do with this map. FT: Peter, what would Jesus say about this? JENNINGS: Well what I learned was that what he and his disciples said then has very different meanings from what we two thousand years later think he meant. I mean, if one of the presidential candidates, and I won't say who, can say he asks himself "What would Jesus do?" and then he carries out an execution, I'm not sure what it all means. WWW-BOP: Yo, man. He'd say "Turn the other keyboard." KEVIN: "Turn the other monitor." ALL: (laugh) FT: I guess what I'm asking is, are we really mature enough to handle all this knowledge in a decent, humane, generous-all right, stop laughing. Really, I'm serious. KEVIN: Technology has always outdistanced ethics. The key question has always been whether or not the general economy of the society improves even with the misapplication of technology and the avoidance of ethics. VENTER: And ethics has played an important role, it hasn't been ignored. Without a strong sense of ethics, rationalizations wouldn't be necessary. Without rationalizations, advertising would be empty, and if advertising were empty, virtually nothing would exist on the internet or anywhere else in the economy. WWW-BOP: Yo, Peter, when the Romans built the cross to use as a tool of capital punishment, did they say to themselves, "Say, bro, is this really down?" JENNINGS: You have a point. I just don't know what it is. I'll be right back. FT: I thought sex is what drives the internet and the development of new computer technology. KEVIN: Well, duh. FT: So what does the future hold? VENTER: With DNA sensitive keyboards, we'll be able to build a library of everyone's individual DNA. You turn on your computer, start to type, when you touch the keyboard your DNA is sent through your internet hook-up straight to us. Of course, we will not share that information with any third party. ALL: (laugh) WWW-BOP: Yo, man, if you're lookin' for a significant other, you just hook up, punch in what you want and you find it. And like Napster, you're on the list, so if someone is huntin' for your, uh, qualities, they find you. People be downloadin' each other all over the place, man. KEVIN: Privacy will become a commodity, and ATCG.COM will be there to offer privacy. We've already developed software so you can conceal your DNA from your computer. VENTER: Of course, we've also developed software that assists your computer in sneaking into your bathroom and getting some DNA off your toothbrush. KEVIN: And we've developed software so you can mate with your computer. WWW-BOP: Yo, man, even the phrase "your computer" is obsolete. KEVIN: Www-Bop's right. It's not really your computer anymore. FT: Well whose computer is it? VENTER: Ours. FT: So, Peter, what's going on in Canada? |
TEN BEST CORPORATIONS OF 2001 ANNOUNCED Award Ceremony Will Be Televised In February Houston, TX - (GNS) - A list of the Ten Best Corporations of 2001 was presented by The Loyalty Oath Group, a Houston-based Think Tank yesterday. This is the fourth year in a row LOG has honored businesses in their pursuit of extreme freedom. "These corporations took advantage of the marketplace, challenged the government, dared the consumer to beware, accumulted wealth, and pushed the envelope, and in our view, that's what America is all about," said LOG Director J.P. Bottomfeeder. Abbott Laboratories, Argenbright, Bayer, Coke, Enron, Exxon Mobil, Philip Morris, Sara lee, Southern Co. and Wal-Mart were named in LOG magazine's annual listing. "These behemoths have ripped off the public, polluted the environment, abused their workers and debased our culture," said Bottomfeeder, "all in the name of naked entrepreneurship and bold capitalism. They appear in our lives everyday, proud, respectable members of the community. They deserve public recognition, applause and awards, but most of all they deserve every penny they've got." Bottomfeeder said Enron was the most popular in the current environment, having triggered the most recent Federal investigation, but Enron was not the only award-winning corporation. "We listed them in alphabetical order because, really, all ten deserve equal recognition," Bottomfeeder said. "If you've got a favorite, after reading the list, buy their product or contribute to their defense fund," he added. Abbott Laboratories made the 10 best list for its TAP Pharmaceuticals, a joint venture with Japanese Takeda Pharmaceuticals. TAP survived and prospered "even though it was forced to pay $875 million to resolve criminal charges and civil liability in connection with allegations of major Medicare reimbursement fraud," Bottomfeeder said. "That's strategic planning, that's resilience," he said. Argenbright, the security company, was named to the list because it repeatedly violated regulations for airport security. Argenbright's record helped convince Congress to federalize U.S. airport security operations, "so by their actions they helped change and improve the way we travel," Bottomfeeder said. Bayer appears on the list because it overcharged the government and public for the anti-anthrax drug Cipro, as well as peddling dangerous antibiotics for poultry. "If businesses don't push the envelope to discover the value of a product, how can the concept of 'overcharging' be turned into a practical unit?," Goldwater asked rhetorically. "As for marketing dangerous antibiotics, well, that honor speaks for itself," he said. Coca Cola was named among the 10 best for its sponsorship of the first Harry Potter movie and possible sequels, using a children's favorite to hawk its unhealthy product, and for alleged complicity with death squads in Colombia targeting union leaders there. "Talk about creativity. You've got to hand it to them," Bottomfeeder declared. Enron made the list for costing many of its employees their life savings by refusing to let them dump Enron stock from their pension plans, as the company plunged toward bankruptcy. "Again, note the value of strategic planning," Bottomfeeder said. ExxonMobil earned a spot on the list for leading the global warming denial campaign and blocking efforts at appropriate remedial action, plus a host of other reckless activities. "You can always count on Exxon, a perrenial," Bottomfeeder said. Philip Morris "made it by virtue of a 'we've changed' marketing campaign. Imagination can lead to the simplist thing sometimes and in simplicity there is beauty and profit," Bottomfeeder explained. "The campaign worked, even though they hadn't changed at all!" Sara Lee was named because of a scandal involving its Ball Park Franks hot dogs. Contaminated hot dogs due to company negligence killed 21. "Okay, perhaps a controversial choice, twenty-one is such a small number, but what better example of caveat emptor?" Bottomfeeder declared. Southern Co., the largest electric utility in the United States, grabbed a place on the list for its efforts to defeat sensible air pollution regulations, and Wal-Mart secured its place among the 10 best by mistreating workers domestically and abroad, and by contributing to the sprawl that blights the U.S. landscape. Bottomfeeder said an awards ceremony will be televised by FOX and NBC in February. "Charlton Heston will Emcee, John Ashcroft and Janet Reno will be among the presenters, we're hopeful Justice Antonin Scalia will present the Bosky, and Dan Quayle and the Indiana National Guard will present an inspiring song and dance tribute," Bottomfeeder said. "We have alot to be proud of," Bottomfeeder said. "But now it's 2002, and the race is already on to see who can be the best or make the top ten for this year." UNIONS JOIN BUSH IN EFFORT TO DESTROY ALASKAN WILDERNESS Hoffaville, MI - (GNS) - Teamsters leaders joined President Bush in promoting the administration's plan to destroy the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) by drilling for oil. Some unions support the proposal, they say, because it could create thousands of jobs. "The President says this energy bill is a jobs bill, and we believe him," said James Hoffa, currently the head of the powerful, periodically corrupt Teamsters. Bush told a dozen union executives at the national headquarters of the Teamsters that his plan to drill for oil in ANWR would create 700,000 jobs and would "help us become less dependent on foreign sources of crude oil and foreign sources of energy." Opponents of the bill have argued that the drilling would create only 46,000 jobs and that increasing gas mileage by 3-4 mph in SUVs alone would replace what the U.S. would realize from ANWR oil. There are many major labor groups who oppose Bush's plan. He did not meet with them. Majority Leader Tom Daschle has promised to take up energy legislation by February, and White House aides said that unlike the President's father and so many of the President's friends and business acquaintences, Daschle appears to be a man of his word. Bush was not asked to explain why making the same efforts in health care and education would not realize similar if not greater boosts to the American economy. "If you put out the money to hire 700,000 new teachers or 700,000 new health care workers, you'd have 700,000 new jobs, and ANWR would still be pristine," said one person who is not and probably never will be a member of the Bush Administration. ANTHRAX SCARE GOOD FOR BUSINESS Boom Created By Only Five Deaths Chicago, IL - (GNS) - A handful of businesses filled with the entrepreneurial spirit praised recently by President Bush were beginning to realize massive profits from a variety of inventions geared at detecting and irradicating anthrax. “You’ve got your neutralizers like Neut-it, Rax, and Pow,” said Entrepreneurial Spirit Conglomerate Vice President of Saying Stuff Martin Rubber. “You’ve got your detectors, like Found-it, Aha!, Eureka, Freeze!, and Woah Up There, and you’ve got your eradicators like Death-stop, End-it, Eat Dust, and Yer Outta Here. “Post Offices, private mail box outlets, corporate mail rooms, they’re all buying this stuff hand over fist,” Rubber said. Rubber said new products were also in the pipeline for personal home use. “Right now most of these are designed for large mail sorting systems, but there’s some stuff coming that even the most braindead consumer could use,” he said. “Of course, if they’re brain dead, you know, what difference is it gonna make if they have anthrax?” Rubber said the makers of various bug sprays have developed a variety of sprays to use on individual pieces of mail. “Some of these sprays, they make the anthrax stuff stain the envelope, then you spray it with the eradicator and, poof, you’re safe,” he said. Rubber said all of the products are “probably safe” but “even if they’re not, I mean, it’s anthrax. That’s bad.” MAOIST REBELS HIT COCA COLA PLANT Pepsi Denies Connection Kathmandu, Asia - (GIN) - The Coca Cola plant here was attacked by Maoist rebels yesterday, without warning, without so much as a how do you do, according to bewildered and angry Coca Cola officials. "Coke is non-partisan. It does not represent an ideology. Why they would attack us-- well, you wonder what Mao would say," said Anita Burntlip, local spokesperson for the company. Burntlip said they would ask President Bush to declare the Maoists terrorists and attack China, which allegedly still harbors Maoists. When asked if Coke suspected Pepsi, Burntlip replied, "Just because Nixon went to China and he was a lawyer for Pepsi, and Carter was the Coke president, doesn't mean that Pepsi or the Republicans were behind this. That makes as much sense as arguing Pepsi tastes better than coke," she said. The Maoist rebels issued a statement just hours after the attack. It read, in part: "There is no question that Coca Cola tastes better than Pepsi, but we would strongly prefer the end of the use of aspartame. It is not good for you. It is not good for the people. Long live Mao." Pepsi lawyers said Pepsi "did not need Maoists to bring the news to people all over the world that Pepsi is a better product." "Our aspartame is better than their aspartame, and the proof is, you don't see Maoists bombing Pepsi plants," said Michael Hairfire, Pepsi's chief legal counsel in its anti-coke division. He did not confirm rumors that Pepsi is planning a new commercial, to air during the super-bowl, showing people of every race, creed, and color, including a Maoist, singing about the greatness of Pepsi, "the people's drink." The Bush Administration's only comment on the attack was to say that it appeared the Maoists wanted some attention, having been ignored for years, and that they misunderstood history, in that "Capitalism won." "Are there still Maoists?" one State Department offical asked. "I thought we won." Presidential Spin Secretary Ari Schikelgruber said a leaflet would be air-dropped over the Maoist-infiltrated area, explaining that even with the failure to properly invest in infrastructure, hospitals, medicines, health care and education, Capitalism's reliance in the market-place to determine what is valuable was still a better idea than a bunch of fashion-free anti-aspartame relics running things. SHAKEY ECONOMY TEETERS AS INVESTORS DECIDE IF WAR IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS It's A Question Of Patriotism And Money New York, NY - (GNS) - "In the old paradigm, war was good for business, but there's been so many paradigms since that people just aren't sure anymore," said one longtime Wall Street broker as the stock market opened this morning. "It's a question of patriotism, but, it's also a question of money," said another. "You have to ask yourself, what's the best move for me and for the country, and then you have to watch what others are deciding," said another analyst. The bottom line, they all concluded, was that the bottom line was murky. "It's easy to say 'Buy American', but would you invest in American Airlines?" another analyst said. "I'm as patriotic as the next guy, but the next guy, well, he's selling," said another. Several congressman surveyed the devastation at the New York Stock Exchange as debris cluttered the floor after a heavy day of selling, and discussed whether or not to launch an investigation. "It's clearly un-American not to buy stocks and it's possible we'll want to revive the House Committee on Un-American Activities," said Representative Bob "Where's My Investigation Headlines?" Barr (R.-GA). When another congressman suggested that Americans have the right not to buy stocks, Barr replied, "I don't think so." There were optimists among the ruins. "Ten years from now, when we're pushing 30,000, we'll be looking back on this and wondering what the hesitation was to dive right back in," said one broker who had just purchased a multitude of shares in a variety of weapons industries. FORD RECALLS ERA BEFORE RECALLS Detroit, MI - (GNS) - Several Ford executives gathered at the Ford Hunting Lodge & Detail Shoppe just outside of the Motor City to swap stories about days gone by when Recalls did not exist. "I remember 1931," said Daryl Carburator, a graying former Vice President of the motor company. "There were no recalls then." "Remember 1938?" asked Steve "Timing Belt" Rod. "Sure do," answered Travis Ford, 71, a third cousin of Henry Ford. "No recalls then." The executives fondly remembered 1943, 1950, 1958 and 1962, and each and every year before and in-between as years before the Recall era. "Back in those days you could put out a car an' if somebody was to wreck it, it was wrecked. No lawsuits. No recalls," said Carburator. "Simpler times," Rod said. "Simpler times," Ford agreed. "But they didn't have email back then." "An' they didn't have nudity in the movies," said Carburator. "True, true," said Rod, with a nod. "I remember 1931," said Daryl Carburator, a graying former Vice President of the motor company. "There were no recalls then." EMERY CARGO PLANES GROUNDED Must Use Surface Roads Miami, FL - (GNS) - Emery Cargo planes were grounded and required to travel by road yesterday in a sweeping effort to enforce air safety. "These planes are not allowed to fly," said Wilbur Wright of the National Transportation And Safety Board (NTSB). The planes were allowed to travel on surface roads in order to make scheduled deliveries. Emery Vice President In Charge Of Tough But Fair Alternatives Frank Lullwater tried to put a positive spin on the order. "We'd rather fly, but if we've got to use Interstate 75 and Hill Street and Peachtree Road and what all and have those planes crawl on their bellies like reptiles, then that's what we'll do," he said. EVERYONE LAID OFF Economy Could Falter Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Everyone was laid off yesterday in what economists say could be a devastating blow for the economy and President Bush's political future. The news came at 2:32pm EST, shortly before the New York Stock Exchange rang its final bell for the day, but no one was there at 3pm to ring the bell, since they'd been laid off. "The downside is, everyone's out of work," said former Undersecretary of Stating The Obvious Max Wormhole. "The upside is, well, not apparent yet." Former presidential press secretary Ari Uh-oh said Bush would recover from the utterly failed economic situation. "Economic indicators are coming in all over," said Uh-oh. "And Bush is a fighter. He's tenacious. He's been down before, like when the Rangers weren't doing well, or one time when his Dad cut his allowance in half and he only got fifty thousand that month. And he's a leader. We'll get out of this," Uh-oh said while sitting in his boat in the Potomac River, searching for a paddle. "Don't even joke about this," said Tom Brokaw, author of the bestselling novel 'The Greatest Generation'. "Depression is a horrible thing." "Hey, just because everyone's laid off doesn't mean it's a depression," said former Secretary of Bunk Paul O'Neil. Boomer spokespersons Chris Matthews and Jeff Greenfield said their generation would respond to this depression by loading up on Prozac, Zoloft and Welbutrin. "We don't tough it out," said Greenfield. "We take drugs," said Matthews. "But you won't see us starting a war, either," said Greenfield. "I'd like to," said Matthews. President Bush was reported to be taking the news in stride. "This will slow up development on my missile shield program, but at least Jenna won't be able to go out and buy a drink," he reportedly said, with unusual philosophical insight. OPEC SCREWS WITH GAS PRICES War Not Imminent Washington D.C. - (GNS) - Arabs meeting in palaces and tents voted to screw with oil prices yesterday. President Bush denounced the move. "No, hey, that's not right," he said. OPEC response to Bush's denunciation was swift. "Oh yeah? What're you gonna do about it?" they said. "Um, I don't know," was Bush's stinging reply whcih resounded throughout the Free World. Bush did not announce what could be done as a policy to move the United States from its dependence on foreign oil has been stalled since 1981. One advisor who suggested requiring cars and trucks to get better gas mileage was dismissed for suspicion of having sex without the benefit of marriage, or knowing someone who did. Another advisor who suggested massive amounts of Federal money be spent on R&D for electric or battery-driven cars, "the kind of money like what was spent on the space program" was dismissed for not having an intern who could become missing. Bush did declare Saddam Hussein was "still a menace". "Anyone who shoots at or interferes with our spy planes is a dangerous rogue nation that should bear the full consequences of their actions and experience the full brunt of our force, except China," he said. A Special Forces team was dispatched to Saudi Arabia, near the OPEC meeting, to find the line in the sand drawn by Bush's father, President George Bush, in 1991. But Bush said war was not "imminentable" which most observers took to mean war is not imminent. PASTA FUTURES UNCERTAIN Naples, Italy - (GIN) - Fall-out from the violence in Genoa has threatened Pasta futures, according to PastaWatch Director Leonardo Carbohidrati. "People see violence on TV, they don't feel like eating pasta," he said. "They go straight to the ice cream." Carbohidrati said the outlook will improve only when the images of violence in Genoa are replaced by the images of violence elsewhere. "If we're lucky, something will happen while Bush is in Kosovo," he said. EPA CHIEF WANTS LAX REGULATION TO COMBAT DIRTY AIR Dirty Air Is Clean Air Says Whitman, Former Governor Of Polluted New Jersey Washington D.C. - (GNS) - EPA Chief Christine Whitman, the former Governor of New Jersey, called for new, relaxed regulations and standards governing power plant emissions yesterday at a hearing of The Senate Committee To Foul Up & Destroy The Clean Air Act. "Right now there are rules that require any power plant that plans an expansion to meet strict standards or face maximum fees. Well, the industry doesn't like that so I'm here to say it must be changed," she said. "Existing, aging, new and planned power plants thoughout the nation need to emit bad things into the air. If we don't let them, the people who run those plants will be mad and won't contribute to the politicians who need their money to get re-elected," she said. Her proposal was to combine all the rules the industry doesn't like into one rule, then eliminate that rule. "It's more efficient then eliminating all the rules one by one," she said, "and this government should be about efficiency." She characterized the Clean Air Act as a "feel good measure" no longer necessary because it worked. "The air is much cleaner than it was before the act was implemented. Now it's time for the pendulum to swing back," she said, citing the unwritten law of American politics. She denied that air pollution had any ill health effects. "Mercury and other chemicals, compounds, elements and shit that goes into the air has no unproven medical effects," she said. "I grew up in New Jersey and I can tell you dirty air is clean air," she said. BUSH VISITS NYC, CALLS FOR REMOVAL OF TRADE RESTRICTIONS, U.N. SANCTIONS New York City, NY - (GPS) - Adding New York City to his list of visits to foreign countries, President Bush was warmly greeted with his call for an end to U.S. trade restrictions and U.N. sanctions. "The time has come to heal the future and remember friends don't blow up each other, they blow up other people," Bush said, in what may have been his longest sentence since taking office. Bush said New York City has made progress in the area of human rights, despite the activities of its police department in regard to minorities, and that it is time to lift the restrictions and sanctions that have historically prevented New York City from being like the rest of the world. "Let's remember, restrictions and sanctions have reasons of their own, and sometimes those reasons, you know, aren't applicationable," he said. Efforts to remind Bush that New York City was part of the United States were unsuccessful. TOP |