America's Only E-Paper That Comes Out Every 5 or 11 Days!!|
MAKE A DONATION TO SUPPORT THE FICTIONAL TIMES! Hi. If you like The Fictional Times, please consider making a donation. Thanks. --Gary Gordon, Publisher, Editor, Stuff The Passion of 4,392 Priests  Coming To A Courtroom Near You! Master Of The World And Commander In Chief  Coming To Your 24/7 News Channel Soon! Catch Me If You Can  Coming To A Courtroom Soon!
EXCLUSIVE! Official New Words To The Pledge of Allegiance 
Fictional Times EXCLUSIVE Report and Analysis Operation Not A Quagmire ARCHIVES section; updated 12/31/01   A MediaChannel Affiliate HOLLYWOOD GOES TO WAR! PHOTOSTUFF In The News! Fictional Times Exclusive: An Interview With Enron CEO Kenneth Lay  EXCLUSIVE STEM CELL REPORT President Cuts Baby In Half; Bathwater Decision Remains Unresolved ENTERTAINMENT ARCHIVES Hey!! Fictional Times Fans! Check out Gary's songs. FREE downloads from his CDs: The Smoking Gun Cafe, Truer Words, and Reasonable Doubts & Cheshire Cat Grins  Gary's Music Bra Ads  Archives ++++++++ Gary Gordon Productions ++++++++ 
| 
Al Qaeda Leader Granted Immunity, Will Clear Up Questions And Charges Suffergreat City - (GNS) - Osama bin Laden agreed to testify to the 9/11 Commission in exchange for immunity in what Administration and Democrat leaders are hailing as a bipartisan victory in the effort to "get to the truth". Bin Laden, whose name has come up repeatedly during the hearings, negotiated behind the scenes with Commission and Administration lawyers, using as a model the deal made for Lt. Col. Oliver North when he was given immunity in exchange for his testimony during the Iran-Contra hearings in 1987. Bin Laden is expected to confirm that he was indeed determined to attack the United States, adding credence to the August 6, 2001 Presidential Daily Briefing memo titled "Bin Laden Determined To Attack The United States." He is also expected to insist that no amount of work by the American intelligence and law enforcment community would have prevented the attack "because Allah was on our side." Presented with the mounting evidence that various levels of the law enforcement and intelligence community knew more than bits and pieces of the Al Qaeda plan, and it was only because senior Bush officials and the president "did not shake the trees" that Al Qaeda succeeded, Bin Laden said in a pre-testimony interview, "Believe what you like, Allah was on our side." When it was pointed out that Allah, like God, might work in mysterious ways, Bin Laden said, "Hmmm, maybe you are correct. Maybe you would have discovered our plans and stopped us. But you did not 'shake the trees', and even though hair was on fire you did not stop us. I think it is because you had your eye on Iraq, not me." After his testimony, Bin Laden will be whisked out of the country, according to Bush Administration officials, just as so many of his relatives and other Saudi royals were on the day after 9/11. Fictional Times exclusive: Text Of Condi Rice 9/11/01 Speech "Look Out, It's A Dangerous World Out There" The Fictional Times has obtained a copy of the speech National Serenity Advisor Condoleeza Rice was going to give on 9/11/01. The White House has refused to release a copy of this speech to the 9/11 Commission because of its emphasis on a missile defense shield instead of a focus on terrorism. Warning: Reading this speech may make you complicitous in what the Federal Government, under the Patriot Act, might decide is a conspiracy against the United States of America. Good evening. My speech tonight is titled: "Look out, it's a dangerous world out there." A-hem. In the beginning, Ronald Reagan said: "Well, we need a missile defense shield. A strategic defense initiative. SDI. Star Wars." And it was true. Yes. If He were with us today, He would say: "Look out, it's dangerous world out there." But he isn't, so I'll say it. A-hem. Look out. It's a dangerous world out there. We need to protect ourselves. We really do. No country since the Japanese in World War II has attacked us. Why? Not just because we're strong and free and we're the best. No. It's because there's an ocean between us and everyone else... except the Mexicans and Canadians and they might as well be colonies. But now people overseas who hate us have intercontinental ballistic missiles. We need a missile defense shield. Reagan said so, so it was true. I'm not saying we should put all our money into a missile defense shield, but if your child had a cavity you wouldn't just repair half of it, would you? You wouldn't say, "Hey, that's all I can afford." No, as a parent you would do everything you could to get rid of that cavity. Well there is a cavity in our defense system and as your parents we know we need to put everything we have into it. Don't cry. There, there. Everything will be alright. Yes, the time has come to put everything we have, all our money, if necessary, into a missile defense shield. Even if we have to borrow. Go into debt. You would, wouldn't you? Oh, I know what some of you are thinking. What about terrorist groups who might attack us with conventional weapons or bombs that blow up cars or trains or even, oh, I don't know, with an airplane flying into a building. Well I think we've all had enough of these wacky conspiracy theories about foreign terrorists. After all, Tim McVeigh wasn't an Arab. We have done our homework and we know the big threat to our freedom is missiles with nuclear warheads launched from overseas, not groups like Hamas or Al Qaeda. Look out, it's a dangerous world out there. We need a missile shield. Missile shield, missile shield, missile shield. Say it again. Missile shield, missile shield, missile shield. It's so... safe-sounding. If we had a missile shield, every American could go to work everyday, whether they work at a Wal-Mart or in a Mall or as a migrant worker in the fields, or in a huge skyscraper, and they would be safe from enemy attack. But there are those who doubt American creativity, American know-how, American ingenuity, American gumption, the American can-do spirit. They say the missile shield won't work. Well, the Corvair and the Pinto and the Bradley Fighting Vehicle and Cold Fusion and Perpetual Motion and Water-Powered Automobiles didn't work at first either. The fact that it doesn't work yet is all the more reason to pour all our resources into it. To that end, as National Serenity Advisor, I have ordered a major shift away from the previous administration's focus on terrorism, a focus no doubt fostered by a fixation on oral sex, and toward an emphasis on intercontinental missile attack and defense... I MAD. Job number one is to build a missile shield. Say it one more time. Missile shield, missile shield, missile shield. Doesn't it sound warm and cozy? Safe? Exactly what we need in this dangerous world. Thank you. 
Scientists Confused But Aroused EXPLOSION ROCKS BAGHDAD "It's As If There Was A War And An Occupation Army And Resistance And Religious Animosity And The Plundering Of Natural Resources Like Oil" Says One Observer Kaboom, Iraq - (GIN) - An explosion at a hotel rocked Baghdad early this morning or late last night or sometime when it looks on CNN like it's dark outside. People were killed and injured. Early reports indicate it was probably a bomb. "Hey, if it wasn't a bomb, then we don't know," said one US Official, speaking on the condition that his ignorant remarks be punched up somewhat to seem pithy and knowledgeable. "It's as if there was a war and an occupation army and resistance and religious animosity and the plundering of natural resources like oil" said another observer. The bombing came on the heels of other bombing which was preceded by other bombing with followed other bombing. "There's no pattern. We won," said a US Official, speaking on the condition that his remarks not be described as preposterous. In Washington, President Bush proposed an amendment to the newly drafted Iraqi Constitution outlawing the bombing of hotels. "Hotels have rights," the president said. Paris Hilton, who was thinking of changing her name to Baghdad Hilton, could not be reached for comment. 
SPAIN BOMBED! SANGRIA FACTORY UNDAMAGED! BULLFIGHTS GO ON! "Nobody Expects The Al Qaeda Inquisition" Olay, Spain - (GIN) - Spain was rocked by terrorist bombs yesterday in what is being inaccurately described as the "worst terrorist attack in Spanish history" by those who have conveniently forgotten the Spanish Inquisition. "The Spanish Inquisition wasn't pretty," said one historical scholar who preferred not to be named. "It was no picnic," agreed another, who also spoke on the condition of anonymity. While investigators investigated, some historians tried to put the bombing into perspective. "It's the Cross versus the Crescent, still," said Sepulveda Torquemada, referring to the bloody, centuries-long battle between the followers of two different faiths in the quest for domination and peace. "Like your rebels in the South, they don't forget and they just keep on fighting, century after century," he said, referring to the separatist movement in the United States in 1861 and the people in the southern United States who still think the Confederate States of America was a good idea. Officials confirmed that the hundreds of Sangria factories throughout the country were undamaged and production of the popular beverage would continue. Officials also assured everyone that the Bullfight schedules throughout the country would continue, although the Spanish National Anthem and Spain The Beautiful will be sung before and during each event. The United States, flush with victory after finding Osama bin Laden and bringing democracy to the mideast, vowed to help Spain find the culprits. "We may not be able to ever know who in the Bush Administration leaked the identity of a CIA agent whose husband criticized the War President's policies, but that doesn't mean we can't find who did this half way around the world where not as many people speak English," said one FBI agent, on the condition of anonymity. Spain's President Ferdinand Aznar vowed to crush whoever was responsible, and following the leadership of War President Bush, vowed to implement severe funding cuts for firefighters and police. Fictional Times Headlines... BUSH CALLS FOR CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT OUTLAWING ACCUSATIONS OF LYING AGAINST HIS ADMINISTRATION "These Accusations Are Unbecoming Of A Country At War", Pres. Says ASHCROFT APOLOGIZES FOR FASCIST BEHAVIOR AFTER GALLBLADDER OPERATION "I Had Alot Of Gaul To Think I Knew Best," Minister of Justice & Religion Declares Falwell, Bauer and Robertson Insist French Attacked Ashcroft Charles DeGaulle and Joan D'Arc Unavailable For Comment MARTHA STEWART CONVICTED OF LYING Bush Not Next BUSH DEFENDS HIS 9/11 CAMPAIGN ADS "It Was A Day That Will Live In Famy and I Am Too A Good President. I Am The War President!" JOB GROWTH "SLUGGISH": 21,000 CREATED INSTEAD OF PLANNED 2 MILLION Report Stuns Bush Administration and Wall Street: "We Thought Out-Sourcing, CEO Greed, De-Regulation and Union-Busting Were Good Things... And We Still Think So" CONSERVATIVE RIGHT PUSHES BUSH TO OUTLAW INTERRACIAL MASSAGE BETWEEN MEN 
SCHWARZNEGGER WINS APPROVAL TO GO INTO $15 BILLION IN DEBT Praises Bipartisan Coalition and People of California For Being Senseless; "I Will Hurt Only Some Of Your Children," Governor Says At Victory Party KERRY-STERN TICKET UNDER CONSIDERATION Shock-Jock Howard Stern Announces "War On Bush and The Forces Of Censorship At Clear Channel", Says He Can Win Votes For Kerry That "No One Else Can... I'm Talkin' About People Who Dig Porn and Think Kerry's Stiff-- That's A Huge Demographic!" GAY MARRIAGE EPIDEMIC SPREADS TO OREGON Center For Disease Control and National Guard Put On Alert in California, New York, Massachusetts and Oregon; Surgeon General To Address Nation Tonight ARISTIDE ACCUSES U.S. OF KIDNAPPING HIM Amber Alert Failed Crucial Test DIEM OUSTED IN COUP; VILLA STRIKES LAS CRUCES U.S. Sends Troops To Panama To Restore Democracy IRAQIS CELEBRATE AGREEMENT ON CONSTITUTION BY SETTING OFF BOMBS IN KABALA AND BAGHDAD Muslim Holy Day of Ashoura Marked By Anti-Human Violence GAS PRICES SOAR "This Is The Cost Of Winning An Oil War" Rumsfeld Says EDWARDS, DEAN FAIL TO WIN OSCARS AS "LORD OF THE RINGS" SWEEPS NATION Gore Receives Lifetime Underachievement Award; Inspiring Acceptance Speech, Titled "The Fog Of Fog" Honored By Independent Film Association 
"THE PASSION OF 4,392 PRIESTS" OPENS NATIONWIDE Audiences Flock To Vivid Depiction Of The Misapplication Of The Teachings Of Jesus BUSH DOESN'T SEND TROOPS TO PROTECT DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT OF HAITI "We Have To Wait Until The Evildoers Take Over, Work With Them For A Decade Of So, Before We Invade, But That's Only If There's Oil," Secretary of War Dumsfeld Explains BUSH DOESN'T CALL FOR CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT TO PROTECT AIR AND WATER Nation Not Stunned, Flocks To Mel Gibson Movie GREENSPAN SAYS "LET'S FUCK WITH SOCIAL SECURITY" Nation Not Stunned, Flocks To Mel Gibson Movie PETE ROSE ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT "I Lie Better Than Bush" MEL GIBSON BEATEN AND CRUCIFIED BY ROMANS Jews Blamed STUFF HAPPENS IN HAITI High School Teachers Scramble To Find Maps With Haiti NADER ANNOUNCES, SAYS DEMOCRATS SHOULD VOTE FOR HIM "Gore And Bush Stole The 2000 Election From Me" KERRY CRITICS ATTACK HIM FOR BEING "STIFF" CNN And Fox Air Specials On "The Problem With Stiff Presidents" 
Nation Stunned; Attorney General, Congress Call For Investigation
| 
DONNA RICE TO TESTIFY TO 9/11 COMMISSION "Richard Clarke Never Told Me Anything About Al Qaeda" She Says Bimini Yacht Club - (GNS) - Donna Rice, the woman in the swimsuit who served 10 years in prison for "cavorting" with a known politician of the Democract persuasion, was scheduled to testify to the 9/11 Commission tomorrow. "We believe Rice has information about the vast muddled-middle conspiracy to take down this president, starting with the recruitment of Richard Clarke in the Reagan administration," Commission chair Governor Limbaugh North Liddy declared. "On or about 1987 Rice was sent to visit Richard Clarke to entice him to work for Gary Hart. When the Rice-Hart liaison was exposed, their plan was set back, but it was not dealt a fatal blow," Liddy said. Rice would not comment other than to declare in a 200,000 word book to hit the stands later this week, that "Richard Clarke never told me anything about Al Qaeda." Clarke has been insisting he told Rice about Al Qaeda repeatedly, warning her for months there would be a terrorist attack. Rice, who married Howard Hughes' body after leaving prison now works as an anti-internet porn activist. "Porn belongs in magazines, not on the internet," Rice-Hughes said. Rice-Hughes' book, "I'll Never Tell", will arrive in bookstores on the day of her testimony. Advance copies of the book have been leaked to Fox News Channel and The Washington Sun Myong Moon Times. In it, according to people who claim to have read it, Rice denies everything in such elaborate detail that her denials raise serious doubts. "She says Clarke never told her anything, but she doesn't say when he never told her, nor does she say that she never told him anything, nor does she deny performing oral sex on him. This is serious," declared a production assistant for Bill O'Reilly who spoke on condition of anonymity. "During the time she was in prison she claims she was never visited by Clarke, but the visitor logs show that Clarke never used his own name when he visited," the production assistant said. In an editorial set to be published tomorrow by The Washington Sun Myong Moon Times and leaked to Rupert Murdoch's publications, the paper declared, "The time has come to rip the lid off the vast muddled-middle conspiracy that prefers to allow gay marriage and corporate regulation at the expense of the war against terrorism; that would rather we fight against our friends the Saudis instead of our former friends, the Iraqis. Donna Rice's book 'I'll Never Tell' is a key to understanding the lengths to which this conspiracy will resort if indeed one can resort to lengths; she is a true patriot and oil companies should name tankers after her." Rice's publishers predicted her book would topple the new Karen Hughes book "Gimme A Second, I'll Come Up With Some Spin" from the bestseller list. Commission members said they were looking forward to Rice's testimony. "It's about time," said one. "We pushed for this," said another. "Yeah, the White House talks tough, but they're wimps," said a third. "I heard she still looks good in a bathing suit," said a fourth. 
U.S. Deputy Sec'y of State Targets Clarke Homeland HQ - (GNS) - In his testimony before the 9/11 Commission yesterday, Richard Armitage actually said: "I think the direction that Director Tenet has taken the Central Intelligence Agency has been extraordinarily noteworthy, but some of us were around at a time when the agency was frightened away from doing the dirty, hard and dangerous work that needs to be done to secure our nation. And I think to the extent that you can make covert actions more acceptable and more understood, more broadly, then you'll be doing the Lord's work." Bush Administration officials would neither confirm nor deny that Richard Clarke, an effective critic of the administration, would be shot, or whether he would just disappear only to be found in the woods later, a victim of a self-inflicted wound. GIBSON ANNOUNCES BUSH FILM PROJECT "I Will Show His Suffering And Crucifixtion At The Hands Of The Liberal Media And Pagan World" Obsession, CA - (GNS) - Film maker Mel Gibson announced his next project will be an ambitious epic biopic of President George W. "WWJD" Bush, and will hit the movie screens two weeks before the presidential election, currently scheduled for November, 2004. "Bush is the Christ of our time," Gibson said. "A Savior who is being denied and crucified." He said he planned to use footage shot while making "The Passion of Mel Gibson's Version Of Christ". "I'll show Bush's suffering and crucifixtion at the hands of the liberal media and the Jews, even though I'm not anti-semitic," Gibson said. He said the movie will include scenes where Bush is questioned over and over by non-believers who doubt he served his full term in the Texas Air National Guard. "There will also be a scene where he goes to the EPA and turns over their tables and cries 'Enough of your regulations!'" Gibson said it was his hope that if the American people could see Bush, tattered and torn and flayed and bloody "in a non-erotic, non-masochistic way", they would see he is the American Christ "put here by God to defeat the heathen and save the sacred ritual of marriage." Roger Ebert and his partner, hearing about the movie, fell all over themselves to give it a "thumbs up," even though it has been made. "It's not anti-semitic," Ebert said. Gibson also confirmed he is working on "Lethal Weapon 5" where he and his new partner, Dennis Miller, go on a mission to Iraq and capture Osama bin Laden while he's meeting with Fidel Castro and John Kerry in a bunker filled with Weapons of Mass Destruction near Tikrit "just like Cheney and Rumsfeld said." Fictional Times Exclusive: 
BUSH-FONDA ROMANCE! It Began When Bush Was AWOL, It Continues To This Day! Everyone Denies It (So You Know It's True!) A Special Report by Fictional Times Investigative Reporters Biff Revox, Heather Boutique, and Gilbert Hurricane Austin, TX - (GNS) - Newly released FBI photos and records are evidence that reveal a startling romance between War President George W. Bush and the Academy Award (TM) Winning actress, anti-war activist, feminist and multiple-marriage-and-divorce exercise guru Jane Fonda. The Bush administration vehemently denied the allegation. "As Lenny Bruce said, 'if they've got pictures, deny it,'" Bush Secretary of Denial Jon Lovitz told the press at a hastily called press conference. A spokesperson for Jane Fonda said that there had never been an ongoing romance, but did not deny the two met when Bush was AWOL in 1973. An FBI source, who insisted on anonymity, because he is really a CIA agent and does not want to be outed by the Bush Administration, confirmed the release of the information was timed to coincide with Bush's effort to make the Intelligence Community the collective fall-guy for his failures as a foreign policy and War President. 
Fonda With Bush When He Ran For Unsuccessfully For Congress According to the FBI report, triggered by the investigation into Bush's missing years when he insists he was in the Texas Air National Guard, Bush met Fonda during one of her "FTA" tours when she was recruiting military men to oppose the Vietnam War. "Fonda was between a romance with Donald Sutherland and a romance with Tom Hayden and was pursuing her activity with FTA, which stands for 'Fuck The Army'," the report reads in part. The report says the two met at a coffeehouse near Camp Crowder, Missouri, frequented by anti-war activists and members of the Vietnam Veterans Against The War. 
Fonda With Bush In A Rare Moment When He Was Trying To Think "Bush was attracted to Fonda during this period," the report says. "He was usually drunk and quite rebellious and hooking up with her was a way to rebel against his father and his own inadequacies." Fonda's spokesperson said Fonda worked at recruiting "everyone in uniform", and the successful recruitment of a wealthy Texas Republica whose father was the US Ambassador to the U.N. "was a big score." According to the report and additional intelligence sources, Fonda hoped she could sway Bush, and so she gave him help during his unsuccessful campaign for Congress. Years later, after he became president and she was divorced from Ted Turner, Fonda visited the White House twice; once to encourage Bush to have "a positive, original, coherent, humanitarian thought" and another time, when, in an effort to deny that he was involved in a gay relationship with Tony Blair, he invited her to "cavort with him in the Rose Garden." Republican National Committee sources condemned the FBI report, declared the photos were fakes and not nearly as good as the fakes they put together showing Democratic Senator and Presidential Candidate John Kerry with Fonda at an anti-war rally. "The FBI and CIA are riddled with Communists and Muslims who are out to get the president," Andrew Card declared, reading from a statement signed by Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearle, Don Rumsfeld and himself. Card called for an immediate investigation of the two agency, adding that he had a list of names of "the traitors who are out to get us." 
Bush With Fonda In An Almost Unguarded Moment In The Rose Garden, Waving Off Secret Service
Political pundits were caught off-guard by the release of the report. "Give us a couple of hours and we'll bloviate about it," said Wolf Blitzer, a Political Pundits spokesman. Laura Bush issued a tight-lipped statement: "I'm going to stand by my husband, just as Hillary stood by Bill." BIN LADEN LIEUTENANT TAUNTS BUSH ON TAPE "Nyahh, Nyahh, Nyahh!" Militant Chants DUBIOUS, Untied Arab Ermites - (GIN) - Audiotapes purported to be from Osama bin Laden's top lieutenant aired on Arabic TV stations Tuesday, one featuring taunts aimed at War President Bush. "Nyahh, nyahh, nyahh, I bet you can't catch us in Turkey!" was one chant on the tape. Another was, "Nyahh, nyahh, nyahh, I bet you can't catch us in Tibet!" Experts said the tapes, attributed to Ayman al-Zawahri and broadcast a few hours apart on Al-Arabiya and Al-Jazeera, were designed to provoke Bush into invading Turkey and Tibet in his war on terrorism. War President Bush, in a strong, carefully worded, well-rehearsed statement, declared, "We will not let the taunts of the enemy terrorists provoke us into unwa-- unwar...ran-- actions we don't want to take." "Under my powers as War President, I have authorized the military to undertake a Hot Pursuit policy, which means if we're chasing terrorists and they run into Turkey or Tibet, we're going in," War President Bush said. The U.S. Military Command for the War on Terrorism (USMCWARTEAR) confirmed reports that U.S. Specials Forces and elements of the Marines had entered Turkey and Tibet shortly after the tape was released. The tape also criticized France's decision to ban Islamic headscarves in schools. "Allah does not like berets," al-Zawhri said on the tape, "and we will kill anyone caught in an Islamic country wearing a beret until the French reverse their decision, and then we will kill them anyway because Allah does not like berets." Within hours after the release of the tapes, the band Howard Dean & The Soundbites released two new songs on the internet, "Nyahh, Nyahh, Nyahh" and "Allah Does Not Like Berets," and Janet Jackson went to work on her latest video in which she plays a Muslim student in France whose headscarf is torn from her head by a gendarme played by Jason Timberlake. 
"We live in Fictitious Times." Academy Award winning director Michael Moore flashes peace sign to cameraman at Oscars (TM)
|
"Just Think Of This As An Homage To Your Civil War" Says Ayatollah Robert E. Lee Sadr Fallelujah Chorus, Iraq - (GIN) - Iraqi rebels continued their assault on U.S. forces yesterday as anti-U.S. "cleric" Ayatollah Robert E. Lee Sadr called for increased battle and recruited more disaffected men and women to his ranks. Sadr said he was practicing democracy, American-style, as it was practiced during the American Civil War and by the KKK in the early 1900s. "We build an army. We attack soldiers. We attack civilians, drag them from their cars and hang them, we firebomb, this is democracy, no?" Sadr said. U.S. officials struggled to point out the U.S. Civil War was over despite some states still flying versions of the Confederate battle flag. "You don't like homosexuals, neither do we; we should be on the same side," Sadr said. "And tell me the truth, wouldn't you prefer it if your women did not vote?" Sadr added. After learning that Bush said he wasn't entirely informed before 9/11 and Colin Powell saying some of his facts were wrong during his presentation to the U.N. regarding the reasons to go to war, U.S. officials in Fallujah said the war was really about oil and the ancient war between the Cross and the Crescent. "You have your fundamentalists running your country, Bush, Ashcroft, Frist, Delay, these are all 'born again' men; we have our fundamentalists, and I am the most fun and most damned and most mentalist of all the Iraqi fundamentalists," Sadr said. Sadr said his rebellion would continue "until we have achieved our own corporate-religious alliance, where it is a holy thing to use the World Bank to press foreign countries into servitude, and we have a seat at the table of those who run the world." U.S. officials said they did not like the analogy to the U.S. Civil War, "but if that's the active paradigm, at least they should wear gray uniforms," one official muttered. 
"Massa Says Stay In The Big House Where You B'longs" Says Rice; "My House Nigras Do What I Say" Says President Master Bush Homeland Plantation - (GNS) - Obeying orders from her master, President Bush, House Nigra and National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice won't testify publicly to the bipartisan 9/11 Commission investigation about the three years leading up to the terrorist attack in New York and at the Pentagon. "De Massa tol' me to stay in the Big House an' keep mah mouf shut," Rice said. "He tol' me to talks wif Fox News an' other friendlies but stay away from that meetin' on the Hill." Rice was accused by Adminstration critic and former Counter-terrorism Czar Richard Clarke of being part of the top policy-making group who failed to recognize the urgency of the Al Qaeda threat. Most Democrats on the Commission have criticized the decision by the White House to not have her testify publicly. House Nigra and Secretary of State Colin Powell was allowed to testify to the Commission and followed orders to attack Clarke. "Mister Clarke says we knew about the plans for the attack for 9/11 before 9/11 and did nothing, and that's not true," Powell declared, thoroughly misrepresenting Clarke's charges before attempting to refute them. "My House Nigras do what I say," Bush said as he sipped a Shirley Temple Mint Julep. "When I told my boy Colin to go to the U.N. and dance that Yellowcake tune, he did fine. He's not uppity, like that Maxwell Waters or Ron Demlins. They could learn a thing or two from him." The 3,000 people killed on 9/11 could not be reached for comment. Exclusive BUSH DENIES GAY RELATIONSHIP WITH BRITISH PM BLAIR Says War Partner Is "Just A Partner In War, And A Friend" 
Fop, TX - (GIN) - War President George W. Bush vehemently denied charges not posted on Matt Drudge's website (www.liesnshit.com)that he has a gay relationship with the elegant, suave Tony Blair, from England, where homosexuality has long been tolerated, especially in government. "I am not a gay!" Bush declared, standing in the rose garden. Bush insisted his strong, almost enraged defense of marriage as defined as the union of a man and a woman was not an over-reaction or a cover to conceal his gay orientation. "I am not covering up anything. I am not misleading anyone. I don't lie. I really don't. Honest. And I like women, but, uh, not like Clinton did, because he was immoral," Bush stated. Bush said he would order the release of documents that proved he was not in San Francisco cavorting with men during the period he was absent from the National Guard. "I was drunk alot, but I'm pretty sure I know who I slept with," Bush quipped. Karl Rove, the War President's closest advisor and campaign uberfuhrer, denounced the charges as "reckless and unpatriotic." "Just because they have a photo of George holding hands with Tony doesn't mean they're gay," Rove declared. "It's not like it's a photo of John Kerry sitting a few rows behind Jane Fonda at an entirely legal event, for God's sake!" Vice President Dick Cheney also defended Bush. "He's going through a tough time. There are people who don't like him, who question his values, who criticize him daily. How would you like it if you were just trying to be you and came under so much criticism from everyday people and people in power," Cheney said. Cheney denied that his undisclosed location was a closet. Attorney General John Ashcroft said he would investigate who leaked the photo of Bush and Blair, and would demand the CIA account for itself in not knowing that this allegation might be raised. "Calling Bush a gay is blasphemy," Ashcroft declared as he removed the cloak he had previously placed on the statue of the barebreasted lady holding the scales of justice at the Justice Department. "I happen to know George prefers tits," Ashcroft said, "just the way God intended." Blair also denied having an affair with Bush. In an official statement from 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister's house in London, Blair stated, "Although many have insisted the Prime Minister bent over to accomodate War President Bush and his pre-emptive strike, the Prime Minister of England did at no time place his Instrument in the hands of the President of the United States." A CNN Unscientific Poll asking the question "Do you believe Bush is gay and is he lying when he says he's not?" revealed that 43% of the respondents thought Bush might be gay because he lied to the nation about the reasons to go to war with Iraq. Another 38% said "not that there's anything wrong with that." Bush said his fight to preserve marriage as the union of a man and a woman derived from his belief that God believes homosexuality is a sin. "Sins can be fun, but they're wrong," he said. God could not be reached for comment. WMD FOUND ON MARS 
Bush To Get Honorary Oscar For "Master Of The World And Commander In Chief U.S. INTENSIFIES HUNT FOR OSAMA Some Wonder Why Maximum Intensity Wasn't Already Underway Idunno, Afghanistan - (GIN) - The U.S. military said Wednesday that a "renewed sense of urgency" is firing the search for Osama bin Laden, even as it dismissed reports that the fugitive al-Qaida leader had been located near the Afghan-Pakistan border "The sands in their hour glass are running out," Lt. Col. Matthew Beevers, a spokesman for the U.S. military in Afghanistan, actually said of bin Laden and other fugitives. "We remain committed and reaffirm our effort to track these guys down and get 'em." Beevers played down speculation that American forces had closed in on bin Laden, saying that if coalition forces knew where he was, "we'd already have him." Reporters and other critics would have been quick to wonder why the hunt for the guy who masterminded the biggest terrorist attack on U.S. soil since Tim McVeigh's assault on the Federal Building in Oklahoma required a "renewed sense of urgency", if their publishers would allow them to have real inquiring minds. The news and editorial staff at The Fictional Times, free to wonder whatever they want, was stunned to learn that the hunt for bin Laden required a "renewed sense of urgency." "Wasn't this already the most important thing our military was working on?" wondered Biff Revox, investigative reporter for FT. "I wonder wonder wonder wonder who, who wrote the Book of Love," declared Trish Otrona, another FT reporter, proving that FT reporters are free to wonder anything. Beevers said U.S. forces have not actually located "their hour glass", and was speaking poetically, "like they do in movies and in the Bible." Other U.S. troopers, also speaking like they do in movies, said, "It's quiet... Too quiet." Pentagon spokesman Colonel ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen confirmed that the search for "their hour glass" to confirm that their times was indeed running out was underway, but said details of that search were classified. Advanced physics professors of string theory, contacted by The Fictional Times, were asked how something could be more urgent than urgent. "String theory postulates multiple universes," Dr. Seymour Smepp said, concluding, "I don't know. I thought getting Osama was already the number one priority. I thought we were working night and day to get him, searching for him with everything we've got. You know, when we get him, then this universe will be safer. As for the other parallel universe, well that's a tough one." |
|
