Because That's Where We Live
(Remember folks, it's fiction. That means everything we print is a lie)
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BUSH BEGINS 2ND HUNDRED DAYS WITH CALL FOR TAXES ON RELIEF Midland, TX - (UGN) - - President Bush, basking in the mixed success of his first hundred days getting to be president, added another idea to his tax program yesterday: a tax on relief. "People on Relief ought to be taxed," declared Bush, using an FDR-era word for welfare. "I say put those suckers in the 28% bracket, so they know how it feels to be an American," Bush said. Critics in both parties immediately questioned Bush's commitment to compassionate conservatism. "To give someone two hundred dollars in food stamps and then take fifty-six dollars back just seems mean," said one Senator, who wished to remain nameless. 
"How do you spell relief? Not B-u-s-h," said another. Bush called upon Congress to approve his idea, in the spirit of bipartisanship. "If you don't approve it, you're going to look pretty unbipartisan," he said. Bush speaks with back to crowd for no discernable reason CHENEY TOUTS CIVIL RIGHTS PROGRESS, DEFENDS VIEQUES BOMBING Washington D.C. - (GIN) - "Vice President" Dick Cheney said the nation should congratulate itself on thirty-seven years of progress since the passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act in a meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus yesterday. And he defended the U.S. Navy's bombing of Vieques, Puerto Rico. "Years ago you could bomb black churches and Puerto Rico with impunity. No longer. The bombers of the black church in Birmingham are on trial, and there will be justice." Cheney said. The lessson, Cheney said, is this: "Although you can still bomb Puerto Rico, you can't bomb a black church in Birmingham. That's progress," he declared. U.S. SOLDIERS KILLED CIVILIANS IN VIETNAM; INVESTIGATIONS, INQUIRIES, HEARINGS UNLIKELY; RANDOM CONVERSATIONS POSSIBLE Arlington, VA - (IGN) - Revelations that former U.S. Senator Bob "Bob" Kerrey and seven other Navy SEALS killed civilians during a nighttime raid near Da Doo Ron Bay in 1969 during the Vietnam War stunned the nation's media last week, leading many who pay attention to say, "Hey, this isn't news. All this was known. What, did you think we didn't kill civilians?" "It's been so long since we reported any real news, I'd forgotten that we'd already reported these kinds of stories years ago," said Tim Russert, Cokie Roberts, Sam Donaldson, John McLaughlin, Charles Nelson Reilly, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, Ted "Ted Baxter" Koppel, and Diane Sawyer, during a media roundtable yesterday. "I'd forgotten there even was a war," said moderator Chris Matthews. "Bullshit, they were all fucking gooks, anyone who says otherwise is a traitor," said G. Gordon Liddy, representing the talk-show radio hosts. "I blame Oliver Stone," said Dennis Prager and George Will. "His movies like 'Platoon' and 'Born On The 4th of July', which depicted our boys killing civilians, that no doubt encouraged that kind of behavior." William Calley could not be reached for comment. BUSH POINTS TO CARIBOU AS NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT Washington D.C. - (GPI) -President George W. Bush declared today that Caribou pose a significant threat to "our national security" and issued executive orders to the Joint Chiefs of Staff to draw up plans for "the removal or eradication of these vultures." "The Caribou hold land vital to our national interests. There is oil there. We must drill," Bush said. "Further, they procreate without the benefit of marriage,on our land! And I'm against that. It's not right," Bush added. "It's similar to the Sioux using up all the Dakotas, or the Cherokee taking up Georgia," General William T. Sherman said, referring to Bush's orders. "There is precedent," Attorney General Ashcroft said. "After all we eradicated a lot of Indians, and removed a lot, too, and they were actually people. These Caribou are just glorified deer." "Ironically, Caribou means 'threat' in French," Elliot Abrams, newly appointed Disinformation Officer, said. The Pentagon is expected to finalize plans within a month. "We're calling it 'Operation Arctic Storm', and let me put it this way: resistance seems to be light," Sherman said. When asked if he thought the Caribou maybe aware of the Navys' inability to surface a submarine without accident or the Marines' inability to fly the Osprey or the Air Forces' inability to ditch a spy-plane, Sherman said, "It's all according to plan. As long as we keep attention away from Colombia, we're fine."  Rare photo of Tito getting the hell out of Yugoslavia discovered in Balkan archives |
FETUS RIGHTS ORGANIZATION FORMED DEMANDS EQUAL PROTECTION IN HOSPITALS, MATERNITY WARDS AND MORE Bethesda, MD. - (GIN) - Fetuses currently residing in Bethesda Naval Hospital announced yesterday the formation of the Fetuses United in Common Kinship (FUCK), a Fetus Rights Organization. Their first demand is equal protection in hospitals and maternity wards. "Some places are great, others suck," said FUCK spokesfetus Not Named Yet. "And I'm not talking about suckling, I'm talking about substandard facilities." "What's the point in protecting us from murder if you're going to allow shitty hospitals and maternity wards to exist?" asked out-going FUCK President Will Probably Be Named Britney. "Yeah, and what about this unequal housing and unequal education bit?" gurgled Not Named Yet. "You wanna stop people from murdering us, then you throw us into this stew? What the hell are you people thinking? Where are your values? Upgrading school facilities costs $112 billion and you'd rather put it into nuclear space-war technology and golden parachutes for failed CEOs?" The FUCK manifesto includes a ten-point list of demands, many having to do with the environment, Not Named Yet said. "We hold this to be self-evident," Will Probably Be Named Britney said, "Those so-called right-to-lifers don't really give a shit after the baby is born." Just minutes after the press conference Will Probably Be Named Britney was born, and was named Gloria, after Ben and Debbie's grandmother. MISSISSIPPI RIVER DECLARED FUGITIVE, EVADES JAIL WHEN STOPPED FOR CITATION 
Dubuque, IA - (AGP) - The Mississippi River ran a Stop Sign in Dubuque, Iowa yesterday and then evaded police who tried to take the river to jail. Under the new U.S. Supreme Court definition of the Fourth Amendment, jailing a suspect accused of a minor traffic offense is not unreasonable. Officers of the Dubuque police department said they observed the river running the Stop Sign and proceeded to give chase. "Our intent, initially, was just to give the river a traffic citation," said Office Fred Bullshit. "Then we remembered, we could jail the sucker. I shouted out 'You're goin' to jail', and the river just took off." Arrest warrants have now been issued for the river, which is believed to be headed south, toward St. Louis. THURMOND DANCES 
Washington, D.C. - (GIN)
- Senator Strom Thurmond (R - S.C.) danced "The Strom" before voting yesterday. Reliable sources said the really old Senator is "fit as a fiddle, but not a Stradivarius."
"The Strom" dance craze is sweeping the Capitol. Beginners find the drooling and twitching easy. It's the wobbling and atonal off-beat chanting that requires work, sources said.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GUNNED DOWN BY PERUVIAN DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENTS |
Culver City, CA - (GGN) - - Actor Robert Downey Jr. was gunned down yesterday by undercover Drug Enforcement agents of the government of Peru on the sidewalk outside Sony Studios. The Peruvian DEA agents are part of an undercover operation to search out and destroy Cocaine users in the United States. This is part of the agent-exchange program, confirmed a Pentagon official who wished not to be identified. "We send our military, overtly and covertly, into their country to seek out growers and dealers, they send agents here to seek out users," the official said. "This is what’s known in military parlance as a pincer movement. In baseball it would be a squeeze play," the official explained. Downey, in trouble with the law ever since Cocaine was outlawed, apparently was the PDEA target. "It’s like Rock Hudson having AIDS," U.S. Drug Czar Jack Webb said. "An actor with a high profile getting hit by a death squad for doing Coke, well, that’s going to send a message." Upon learning of his death, Downey was fired from his recurring role on Ally McBeal. PERU SAYS DOWNING MISSIONARY PLANE WAS "RIGHTEOUS SHOOT" Lima, Peru - (GIP) - Declaring that "religion is the opiate of the masses," Peru’s Drug Czar Jose Cartel said that Peru’s anti-drug air patrol did the right thing shooting down the small plane carrying Evangelical Missionaries across Peru. "We don’t want no drugs here," Cartel said. "Nada." He added that his men were suspicious rightaway when the CIA told them to hold back. "The CIA, you know, they smuggle drugs. Who can trust them?" Cartel asked. He said his soldier’s suspicions increased when the plane would not submit. "If they were missionaries, they should have assumed the position. We’re on top, they’re below. They flew away, showing their tail. What were we to think?" he continued. He said the Peruvian Air Force would continue to patrol the skies diligently. And he said they have a cute saying in his country, as all foreign countries do. Roughly translated, he said, it was "You can give Coke to a Llama, but if you want our skies, you must pry them from our cold dead hands, even if the Llama does not drink the water." 
Mad Wheat reported in flooded areas of Dubuque, Iowa
COMMISSION TO CONDEMN MUSIC INDUSTRY CONDEMNS MUSIC INDUSTRY | Washington D.C. - (GIN) - Another fucking government commission, this time the Fucking Trade Commission, announced today that the fucking music industry was fucking responsible for screwing up kids by engaging in ordinary fucking capitalism in response to ordinary fucking demands of ordinary fucking stockholders and consumers. The fucking committee denied it wanted to fucking censor the fucking music industry, although fucking Senator Joe Lieberman (fucking D.- Conn) did announce he would propose some fucking regulatory legislation. The fucking committee declined to comment on the fucking connection between fucking violence in the fucking real world as a major fucking cause of violence and instead fucking concentrated on the fucking song lyrics as the fucking primary causal factor. "Police shootings and beatings that go unpunished, military bombings and accidents that go unpunished, light sentences for celebrities wielding guns and abusing women, these have nothing to do with influencing the behavior of young people," said FTC chair Cotton Mather. "It's the lyrics," he insisted. Fucking music industry leaders defended their fucking free speech rights and released a statement defending their fucking business decisions. "Congress shall make no fucking law abridging free fucking speech," the statement said in part. Lenny Bruce could not be reached to fucking comment.
CIA DENIES EVERYTHING, |
BLAMES PERU Maybe Langly, VA., Maybe Not Langly, VA. - (GIN) -CIA Director Jon Lovitz denied everything at a news conference today, including any involvement in the downing of the Missionary plane over Peru. "We weren't there," Lovitz said. "We're not even in South America. We never were in South America. We had nothing to do with the overthrow of Allende in Chile. We weren't involved in anything in Central America, either. Not even the overthrow of Arbenz in Guatemala in 1954," he said. "Drug war? What drug war?" he asked. "And we were never in the mid-East. That's just a lie. We had nothing to do with ousting Mossadegah in '54 and replacing him with the Shah of Iran. And we were never in Vietnam, or Cambodia, or Laos," he added. "As a matter of fact, we don't even exist," Lovitz declared. "So you can forget about that Kennedy assassination stuff, too," he added. Lovitz insisted Peru is to blame for everything. SUMMIT LEADERS PRAISE DEMOCRACY, CONDEMN PROTESTS Colony of Canada, U.S.A. - (IGN) - Sporting RCMP hats and Wayne Gretzky-autographed hockey pucks, leaders at the Free Trade Arrangement of the Americas summit held a press conference and praised democracy and condemned the protests. "Democracy good, protest bad," declared U.S. Praysident George W. "Dubya" Bush, his arms around Mexican Jefe Vincente Fox and Canda's Prime Minister What's-His-Name? "Free trade es muy bueno," Fox agreed, adding, "We don' need no stinkin' badges." "Hey," said the Canadian Prime Minister, besieged with charges that Canadian Bacon factories will move to Guatemala once the new trade agreements are finalized. "I want to thank Nelson Eddy and Cantinflas for making this possible," Bush said, adding that he was glad the media never asked "free trade for who." FICTIONAL TIMES is the publication America embraces. It is published Now and Then. © 2001 Gary Gordon Productions Be The War The New Age Bestseller about World Domination by Deepak Kissinger Learn how YOU can outlive everyone and win! Coming soon to a bookstore near you... if you live near a bookstore 
published by Ism Press New York, Cairo, Pittsburgh ---------------------- EMINEM SENTENCED, ANNOUNCES NEW CD Bumfuck, MI - (GNS) - Standing silently before a Michigan judge, thinking silently to himself "what a Jew Fag," rapper-celebrity-millionaire Marshal "Eminem" Mathers was sentenced to two years probation for illegal possession of a handgun. Originally charged with assault, for pistol-whipping the shit out of someone at a bar, the charge was reduced through a plea bargain. The Judge insisted in his speech to "Eminem" that his celebrity status had nothing to do with the reduced charge, that probation was a "tough sentence" and that this sentence was designed to send a message to all celebrity-millionaires everywhere that if you pistol-whip someone you don't have to go to jail. Following the sentencing, "Eminem" announced his new CD, "Pistol-whip The Jew Fag", would be in stores within the month. The CD features several more songs about "Eminem's" perception of his deprived childhood and further justification for his violence-prone, homophobic and anti-female lyrics, including "The Judge Was A Jew Fag", "It's Hard To Tell What I Hate More", "If You Kiss My Ex-Wife You're A Fag And I'll Bust You Up", "I'm A Sensitive Artist With A Gun So You Better Fuckin' Watch Out", "Women Are Just Fags With Tits", and the duet with Billy Joel, "Hold Me Close, Tiny Dancer".
MCVEIGH EXECUTION PAY-PER-VIEW DEAL INKED |
Burbank, CA - (GNS) - The execution of mass murderer Timothy "Collateral Damage" McVeigh will be telecast pay-per-view in the first of what many in the entertainment, news, and justice industry predict will be a long series of pay-per-view execution events. "There's a growing interest in this kind of programming," declared Ron King, chair of Zappem, the production company that managed the deal and will produce the event. "They were mired in this closed-circuit lottery thing. Two hundred and eighty people from Oklahoma City wanted to see it, and they were gonna have only ten seats. We just had to re-orient their thinking," King said. He said the previous Justice Department was reluctant, but the change in administration smoothed the way. "Justice wants to make some money, the people want to see it, and, frankly, the criminals like the idea, too. It's win-win," he said. The execution will be the main event in a package of three events, King said. The first two events will be police abuse of power, one on an urban street, and one in a police interrogation room. "People like to see that, too," King said. He added that those events haven't been nailed down, but negotiations are underway with police officials from L.A., Philadelphia, Cincinnati, and New York City. "If we had known the New York police were gonna shoot that guy forty-one times, we could've made a fortune. And the broomstick? I could've retired on that," King said. Speaking about the deal for the Justice Department, Attorney General John Ashcroft said, "This is for the people. Lynchings used to be popular. A real event. It helped bring the community together, gave them a common goal, a purpose, and a chance to celebrate their values. Then the sissies took over and everything was Alan Alda and music videos and mush. Well, there's a new sheriff in town. You got your cross-gender programming, now we've got our execution programming." King said plans were also underway to create a reality/gameshow based in part on "Survivor" and in part on "Millionaire". "The winner wins big, the loser gets the chair," he said. King predicts this will be the largest pay-per-view event yet, "priced at an affordable $19.95, it'll be fun the whole family can enjoy." |
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MISSISSIPPI VOTES TO RESTORE SLAVERY Natchez, MS - (GNI) - Mississipians voted today to restore slavery and maintain the Confederate symbols in their official state flag. Voter turnout was heavy, and decisive. "Although we've only counted 1% of the vote, we can tell y'all that we won," declared Mississippi Secretary of State Robert "Stonewall" Beauregard. "After all, them Black voters make up only 36% of the vote, an' I'm not sure many of them voted, if you know what I mean," he said. Last year an organization called The Mississippi Heritage Preservation Club gathered enough signatures to put the question on the ballot. "Why settle for just the flag when we can restore slavery, too?" asked Edward "Stonewall" Persimmon, a leader in the Heritage Preservation movement. "We should take pride in the fact that our ancestors were wealthy enough to own slaves, and smart enough to have a value system that recognized racial differences," said Jimmy "Stonewall" Montgomery, chairman of the Fair Play for Slave-Owners Committee. "They had slaves in the Bible, didn't they?" Reverend Billy "Stonewall" Forrester said. "Let's quit pussyfootin' aroun'," said George "Stonewall" Wallace Jones, recording secretary of the We're Better'n Them Club. "Let the other states argue an' fuss about flags. Slavery's what's important," he said. Leaders and members of all the organizations behind the restore slavery effort denied that a return to slavery would mean a dehumanization of blacks and further mistreatment of blacks. "Hell, how could we mistreat 'em any worse'n we do now?" Jones said, grinning. Black leaders expressed concern that, if passed in Mississippi, the effort to restore slavery could spread. "We would like to argue that slavery is against the law, but given the make-up of the Federal Supreme Court and this administration's position on supporting States Right, if we press it, we may discover slavery is not against the law," observed Fred Douglass Mfume, a coordinator with the recently outlawed Mississippi Human Rights Coalition. Charges that the Federal Government would allow slavery are premature, according to Attorney General John Ashcroft. "My office would have to study the matter." Ashcroft did say that the Mississippi action could be studied, as an experiment, a pilot program, but, he said, that would fall under the Interior Department. "Slaves would be considered a natural resource," he said. Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, who once argued a case by declaring much was lost in the states rights movement when the Confederacy was defeated, said she would be glad to monitor Mississippi's experiment. "We could save alot of money drilling for oil in Alaska if we use slave labor," she said. "And it would make us competitive with the Chinese, but that's the Commerce department." Secretary of Commerce Simon Legree agreed slave labor would make the U.S. competitive with the Chinese, but denied suggestions that the purpose of the current trade talks and the President's planned trip to China is to study Chinese slavery. "Oh come on, that's not it at all," he said with a wink. "We just want to get our busted up plane back. You know, the one the Chinese military has already completely studied and is really of no value to us, except for the symbolism." Secretary of Symbolism Colin Powell agreed. "The plane itself is useless, but the symbolism of getting it back, that's priceless." Conservative columnist William Kristol called the charges that the administration might be pursuing a pro-slavery course nonsense. "George W. Bush is turning out to be the most liberal president of our times. He's drifted so far to the left these last hundred days, I'm surprised he hasn't replaced the American flag with a hammer and sickle. "The big clue was when he didn't bomb China rightaway," Kristol declared, "and noboby but me picked up on it." In Mississippi, pro-slavery forces conceded there may be a fight about today's vote, but seemed to relish the thought. "If'n they don' like it, let 'em fight the damn war all over again," said "Stonewall" Jones, "'cause this time we'll win." |
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